Page 46 of In the Long Run

GEN

Knox is still here when I wake up, feet resting on the bottom of my bed, his big body folded into my desk chair. He’s drawn the curtains, but wisps of mid-afternoon light slip through, highlighting the scruff on his cheeks and the shadows underneath his eyes.

‘Hey,’ he says, setting the book that was splayed across his chest on my desk behind him. ‘How are you feeling?’

I’m … a lot of things right now. Exhausted, still.

And it’s the kind of bone-deep, soul-deep tiredness that will take more than sleep to shake.

I’m angry. At Brand and myself. For not taking his behaviour more seriously earlier.

But I’m going to do my best to listen to the logical part of my brain that says there’s no point playing ‘what if’.

No one ever wins that game. All I can do is everything in my power to try to stop this from happening to someone else.

But mostly I’m grateful. That I’m okay, and that the person I want by my side is here. Too far away for my liking, but I get it. Knox is waiting for me to say that it’s all right. That I still want him close.

I sit up and rest my back against the woven cane headboard, dragging my pillow with me and taking my time getting it exactly where I want it to be.

‘I’m okay,’ I say. ‘Could be better.’ I mean to imply that I want Knox next to me, but he jumps up and slips his feet into the runners he wears to the gym.

He’s still in his workout clothes. It’s been hours but he hasn’t left my side.

He was sitting outside the bathroom on the hallway floor when I finished showering.

‘What do you need?’ He pats his pockets and pulls out his keys. ‘Food? Something to drink? Another blanket?’

‘You.’

Everything about him softens. It’s like all the tension he carries runs right out of his body.

‘I’m right here.’

I shake my head. ‘You’re too far away.’

That gets me a smile. It’s only small, but I’ll take it and add it to my mental collection of all the ways Knox has looked at me. He kicks off his shoes and pads across the floor in his socks. I scooch over, pat the spot next to me.

‘Are you sure?’

He’s annoyingly kind sometimes, really.

‘I am.’

He eases in next to me, pulling the covers up over our legs and smoothing them down around mine, cocooning me in place. It’s cosy and warm, but I want him.

‘Can I?’ I ask.

His chest rumbles with a quiet laugh. ‘You know I’ll give you anything you want, Halliday.’

My nickname starts a slow burn that warms me from the inside out. I lift up and curl into his lap, fitting into the spot that I want to always be mine.

Knox settles a big palm against my thigh and uses his other hand to hold mine against his chest. ‘Tell me if it’s too much.’

What a perfect example of when the simple truth is all you need. ‘It’s not enough,’ I say.

We share a loaded look, and when his gaze drops to my lips, his phone rings.

‘This fucking phone,’ he mutters. ‘Hang on.’

The heavy sigh that makes his chest rise and skates across my skin signifies that it’s an important call.

‘You can get it.’

‘It’s my boss.’

‘Oh.’ I start to move away, but he shakes his head.

‘Don’t go. Please.’

I relax against his firm body, tucking my head into the crook of his neck.

He swallows before answering the call with a calm ‘Knox Watson’.

I can hear every word as Knox’s boss speaks for a minute, until Knox cuts him off.

‘You know how you have things all over your desk, Sir?’ It’s a weird way to start a conversation, but Knox’s breathing is steady and sure. ‘All the family pictures and different things you’ve collected from your career?’

‘I do,’ his boss says slowly, and I suspect I’m not the only person wondering where Knox is going with this.

‘My desk has always been empty. No pictures, no little curios or knickknacks. No signs of a life outside of work.’

‘And?’ His boss’s tone is curious.

Knox takes a deep breath, and when he speaks his voice cracks but he doesn’t pause, doesn’t falter. ‘I want that.’

I press closer, planting a small kiss underneath his jaw, which earns me a quick thigh squeeze.

‘I want to make memories and fill my life in ways I haven’t let myself before. And I need to be transparent with you before the posting order is issued. Sir, my priorities have changed.’

We’re both holding our breath, because while I still don’t know much about the Army, I’m conscious that this is going to cause a lot of headaches.

‘How so?’

‘Do you know about my parents?’ Knox asks.

‘I’m aware of your situation.’

‘I’ve carried a lot of shame around because of what they did. And I’ve made some poor decisions because of it. I’ve spent so much time trying to do the right thing by everyone else that I forgot to do the right thing for myself so I could be happy. I don’t want to leave Melbourne.’

‘Because there’s something there that makes you happy?’

Knox tips my face towards his and, holding my gaze, he says, ‘Yes, Sir. I’ve met someone and they showed me how different things could be.

All the things that I’ve gone without have been by my own choice, and I own that.

I’ve let my fears hold me back, but I don’t want to do that anymore.

I can do my current job just as well from Melbourne as I can in Brisbane.

Or if you’d prefer to have someone actually in headquarters then I’ll do any other job in Melbourne. Literally any.’

‘And if I say no? Tell you that it’s Washington or nothing?’

I tense automatically.

‘Then, with the utmost respect, Sir, I’d thank you for the opportunity and put in my discharge.’

I stifle a gasp. I mean, it’s romantic but it’s also a lot of pressure.

‘You’d give up everything you’ve worked for?’

‘Are you sure?’ I whisper, so low I worry he might not hear me. It’s pointless though, because his boss asks the same question.

‘It’s time for me to put myself first, Sir.’

I love the way he’s phrased that. It’s intentional, too.

I’m sure of it, which convinces me that it’s true.

This is Knox making the best decision for himself.

Not because he thinks it’s what I want – even though it is – or it’s what will make the people who care about him happy.

He angles the phone away from his mouth and presses his lips to my ear.

‘I’m sure, Halliday.’

‘Then I guess I’ll see what I can do,’ his boss says. ‘No promises.’

‘Thank you, Sir.’

Their conversation continues for another minute, but I zone it out.

Knox is staying.

We can be together.

And right now I’d like to wash away everything that’s happened today – even though I’ve already showered – and in all the days leading up to this moment. Call it a rebirth if you will. A new beginning. A better version of us that will be real and intentional and enduring.

‘Where are you going?’ Knox asks as I shift off his lap and stand, holding out my hand to him.

‘You need a shower.’

‘Oh, yeah, sure.’ But he’s confused. I see it in the slant of his eyebrows and the way his lips tip down in the corners. He stands and almost loses his balance. I steady him, relishing how solid he is against me.

‘Let’s go.’

‘To the shower?’

I press my laugh into his chest. ‘Yes.’

‘Together?’

‘Yep.’

‘We don’t have to do that. We can take our time.’

And we have time now. But this is about taking my power back. Being in control of what I want. Asking for what I need.

I tug on Knox’s hand and pull him out of my room and down the hall.

‘What happened with Brand was scary. But I trust you. I always have,’ I promise, to him and also to myself. ‘This is about trusting myself and my choices.’

Knox cups my jaw. ‘Seems like we might both be on a similar journey here, Halliday.’

I twist my head and kiss the palm of his hand. ‘There’s no one else I’d rather be on it with. Now, can you do me a huge favour, please?’

He nods.

‘Get naked.’

He raises his brows at me, failing miserably at keeping the grin off his face.

‘I’m working on asking for what I want.’ I lift my shirt over my head and unclasp my bra.

‘And I’m what you want?’

‘You’re what I’ve always wanted.’

Knox leans forward and scoops me into his arms. My bare breasts push against his chest hair.

‘You’re more than I ever dared to dream of,’ he says, then pauses, glancing around the space like he’s looking for something.

When his gaze meets mine again, his eyes are red but so bright.

‘I never imagined that my life could be like this. And it wouldn’t be without you. I love you, Gen.’

My fingers twine through his hair and I press a soft, chaste kiss against his lips. Feel him smile into it. ‘I love you too, Knox.’

And then we’re kissing, and when we eventually find our way into the shower, it’s as slow and tender as I need.