Page 20 of In the Long Run

GEN

Talk about unexpected.

I blink at my inbox, wondering if I’m still asleep. This is the sort of thing I should be dreaming about, but my dreams have been all wrong for weeks. Wrong hopes, wrong fantasies, wrong guy.

What are your thoughts on kissing?

The look on Knox’s face when I’d asked him to kiss me – because let’s face it, that’s what I was doing – plays on repeat in my mind.

Ugh. I’m the worst. Under the dictionary definition of the word ‘desperate’ is my picture.

And I guarantee my eyes are closed, too, because apparently that’s the energy I bring to the universe.

My phone chimes on the coffee table and I lean forward to look at the screen even though I’m confident I know who it is.

Brand. Again. I haven’t replied to any of his messages or answered his calls for weeks, but he still keeps trying. It’s exhausting. I flip my phone over and curl back into the soft cushions of the couch.

‘Hey.’ Caleb wanders out of his room in his PJs and a hoodie from one of his favourite bands. He flops down next to me and rests his head on my shoulder.

‘No Lawson?’

‘Nah, he had an early shift.’ Caleb steals my coffee and swallows a few mouthfuls.

I’d complain but I don’t care. He’s also been buying extra groceries and doing the cooking ever since I started my own business.

He says it’s to try out different recipes and figure out what kind of culinary establishment he’d like to work at next, but the man’s a dessert chef to his core.

Not a lot of stir-fries or risottos or ‘meat is the hero of this meal’ dishes are going to make it onto the menus of any of the places he’s going to want to work at.

‘What’s this?’ He points towards my laptop, where my email’s still open.

‘The Annas want me to do some work for them. They’re launching their own online fitness platform, and they need someone to help get everything set up financially and then manage it for them.’ My gaze skims the message again. It’s written like we’re friends, opening with an exuberant ‘Hey Gen!’

‘Wow. That’s a huge opportunity for you,’ Caleb says.

It really is. If the Annas can convert even a quarter of their audience into paying customers, I’ll be very busy. ‘Meredith must’ve suggested me. She mentioned something about chatting with Annaliese the other day. Said she’d been asking questions about the gym.’

‘Looks like everything’s coming together for you, Gen.’ Caleb squeezes my knee. ‘I love to see it.’

I swallow.

‘What’s that look about?’ he asks.

‘No look. Nothing to see here.’

Caleb’s gaze narrows. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah. I … you know what? I don’t even want to talk about it. I did something silly, and I want to forget it even happened.’ I stand and head to the kitchen to make a fresh coffee. The soft thump of Caleb’s socked feet against the wooden floorboards follows me.

‘Does this have something to do with the hot soldier?’ Caleb taps the printout of Knox’s Army ID on the fridge.

‘Nope.’

‘So yes,’ Caleb murmurs.

I open the fridge, grateful for the brief reprieve from Caleb’s knowing grin. ‘Let’s talk about you. How’s work?’

‘Fine. Boring. It’s whatever.’

‘Still thinking it’s time for a new job?’ I reach for what is now clearly his coffee, asking wordlessly if he’d like a refill.

‘Kind of. I’d like to stay local. If Alizée’s was hiring, I’d apply in a heartbeat, but I’m guessing it’ll be a while until they’re able to do that.’

I think back over the most recent profit and loss statements I’ve prepared for Alizée’s. Things are headed in the right direction, but adding a new full-time wage would be a big deficit to cover. ‘I’d say so, but that’s above my pay grade. Probably best to chat with Eugene or Celeste.’

‘Not Knox?’

‘You could ask him too.’ My attempt at a smile doesn’t stick.

‘Or you could ask him for me.’

‘Sure. I could do that.’ It’d be complicated because I’m currently avoiding him, but what Caleb doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Caleb crosses his arms. The coffee cup rests against his chest. ‘How’s that all going?’

I stir my coffee slowly. Blow away the steam that rises from the cup. ‘Good.’

He makes a humming noise. ‘Your TikToks are fun.’

‘Thanks. It’s all Celeste. She’s the social media guru.’ The brittle edge to my voice wavers.

‘Gen.’ Caleb sighs, setting his mug back down on the bench. ‘What’s going on?’

My mouth twists to the side as I consider how best to answer this and decide to go with the truth. ‘I did something dumb.’

‘Rude to refer to Knox that way,’ Caleb jokes but his smile falls to the floor when I sniff loudly.

Christ. I’m not about to cry over a man who doesn’t want me, am I?

Emotion wells inside me and I’m too exhausted to fight it.

I hate being back here again. Being the joke.

The last person to understand what was going on.

I promised myself after Tim that I’d never wrap up my self-worth in what a man thought of me again.

Not that I’m suggesting Knox is like Tim.

Knox mightn’t be interested in me romantically, but he never made me any promises or lied to my face.

Knox is a nice, friendly guy who was being nice and friendly.

Nothing more. The mistake here was mine.

Unlike Tim, who built everything on lies.

‘Gen,’ Caleb says quietly. ‘What happened?’

I pick up my coffee and hide behind the mug. ‘I asked Knox if he wanted to kiss me.’

‘And he said …’

‘Nothing.’

Caleb winces sympathetically. ‘That’s not a no.’

My grip tightens. ‘It’s also not a yes.’

‘Maybe you caught him off guard?’

I shake my head. ‘I read the situation wrong. It’s okay.’

Caleb steps forward and settles his hands on my shoulders. ‘I don’t think so.’

‘You have to say that. You’re my best friend.’

‘You guys have been vibing with each other. Anyone can see that. People are turning up to see it, because they believe that maybe it could happen for them as well.’

‘People are seeing what we want them to see.’ I was the one who forgot it wasn’t real. Who got swept up in Celeste’s excitement. Who’d spent too long imagining what it would be like to kiss Knox.

‘Just talk to him, Gen.’

‘And get shut down again? No, thank you.’

There’s a knock at the front door.

I grab Caleb’s arm when he moves to answer it. ‘Don’t. It might be Knox.’

‘And?’

‘I’m embarrassed.’

‘You shouldn’t be. If he’s got half a clue, he’ll know he’s punching well above his weight with you.’

Another knock rumbles down the hall. ‘Genny?’ Brand calls through the door.

‘Now can I answer the door? Tell Brand right where to fuck off to?’

‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘I don’t want to deal with him right now. He’ll leave soon. He must’ve snuck into the building with someone else.’

‘Might be time to report him for stalking, Gen.’

I sigh. ‘They won’t do anything. He’s Brand Bolton.’

‘Fancy a morning of bad TV on the couch?’ Caleb asks, after a full minute has passed and it’s clear the last knock won’t be followed by another.

‘Nah.’ I pat his arm. ‘I want to get started on this stuff for the Annas. Show them how much of an asset I could be. This could be the big break I’ve been waiting for.’

And that’s what I do for the rest of the week. I meet with them for coffee to nut out exactly what they’re after, and offer to research different membership platforms, come up with a cost comparison and write a report with my recommendations. It’s extra work, but it keeps me busy.

It gives me the perspective that I need.

But I still dream of Knox each night.