Page 30 of In the Long Run

GEN

Roadworks and extra traffic on the Great Alpine Road make us late getting into Bright so we bypass our accommodation and drive straight into town for the team lunch Anneke organised.

Violet rushes ahead of us while Knox finishes a call with Eugene about some insurance stuff and then explains what happened this morning at Alizée’s.

Anger courses through me at the thought of Brand doing this, but Knox makes me promise not to dwell on it.

Says he has it handled. I take a steadying breath and push any thoughts about Brand out of my mind.

Three long tables have been dragged together near where a guy in a flannel shirt, shearling jacket and busted-up boots plays acoustic, bluegrass-y versions of popular songs that kind of make me want to dance as we walk towards the group. The mountain air’s doing things to me.

Of course, it might also be the man next to me, his palm firm against the small of my back, his steps in time with mine. The backwards baseball cap is back too, and the tip of Knox’s nose is already pink from the cold. He’s so rugged and handsome and here with me.

‘Over here!’ Annabeth waves at us. We don’t see much of her anymore due to the size of the run club and the fact that she switched to doing the half instead of the full.

‘That’s Annabeth, right?’ Knox tilts his head and whispers, his breath tickling behind my ear.

‘Yep. Annaliese stayed home, and Anneke’s over there.’ I gesture towards the outdoor bar where the gorgeous blonde is making puffer jackets look like high fashion. ‘Look at you,’ I tease. ‘Finally able to tell them apart.’

‘It was a lucky guess,’ Knox whispers, staying close enough to make me shiver. ‘I still haven’t figured it out.’

‘Should I share my very secret, very sophisticated system?’ I ask. My insides warm when Knox leans closer. ‘Annabeth recently dyed the ends of her hair purple. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed.’

Knox stops, his hand pressing into my back. ‘Why would I notice that?’

I roll my eyes. ‘Because they’re so pretty.’

He makes a show of looking over at Annabeth and then Anneke. ‘Yeah, they are.’

‘Knox, you weren’t supposed to say that.’ I laugh, and my breath appears in a puff. Oh, well done, Gen. Please continue to point out all the attractive women to the guy you like. That’s a great idea.

‘I didn’t notice because I’ve been too busy looking at someone prettier,’ he says.

‘Oh,’ I squeak.

‘Come on,’ he says, taking my hand and urging me forward. ‘Let me buy you lunch.’

Everyone greets us warmly, teasing us about why we’re so late.

‘We were delayed leaving,’ Knox tries to explain, which earns us a series of jeers and Uh-huhs paired with knowing smiles.

He shakes his head and leads me over to the empty chair between Annabeth and Violet.

He pulls it out for me but doesn’t let go of my hand.

‘Do you want a drink? I’ll grab us something and find another chair. ’

‘I’m fine with water.’ I nod towards the carafes in the middle of the table.

‘Good luck getting another chair,’ Annabeth says. ‘We’ve had to fight to keep that one for you two. At least you can share!’

‘Oh,’ I say again, because apparently that’s all I’m able to say when everyone’s looking at us.

Knox coughs into his fist before sitting and raising his eyebrows at me. ‘C’mon, Halliday,’ he says.

But I still hesitate. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Don’t make me beg in front of everyone.’

Gingerly, I step between his legs, twisting one way and then the other, trying to find the best way to do this. I’ve thought about scaling Mount Knox many times but never like this. Not with an audience who assume we’re long past this level of intimacy.

‘Gen.’ Knox laughs and pulls me down on his lap. He’s so solid underneath me. One hand lands possessively on my hip, rubbing the side of my fleece-lined leggings. Any shivers that occur are because it’s cold, okay?

‘This all right?’ His words tickle my neck and I squirm, unable to stop myself from moving as the blood rushing through my veins heats and thickens. ‘Easy,’ he breathes against my skin as things touch.

My eyes widen as he shifts. ‘Sorry.’

‘Everyone ready to order?’ A server stops at the table, pen poised over her notepad. Luckily she starts at the other end of the table and Annabeth passes me a menu. Knox’s chin settles on my shoulder as he reads it as well.

‘What are you going to have?’ I ask, congratulating myself for managing to speak when all my senses are overwhelmed.

His chest presses against my back, and his hand has shifted from gripping my hip to making long, slow passes of my ITB, his knuckles digging into the tired tendon.

If this continues, I won’t be able to run tomorrow because I’ll be a puddle of goo.

‘Can never go wrong with a burger.’

The burgers are the perfect mix of smoky cheese, chipotle mayonnaise and peppery tomato relish. And I’m a firm believer that any meal is improved with hot chips, especially when they come with aioli.

Conversation is easy. Not just with Knox but the rest of the table. We hear all the Army guys’ dating war stories, which leads into Anneke recapping her last disastrous Tinder date with a man who said he was in his late thirties but was clearly pushing fifty.

‘I could’ve been into it,’ she muses, waving a chip in the air like she’s the conductor of some imaginary orchestra, ‘if his toupée hadn’t fallen off when he went down on me. His head was so shiny. Ruined everything.’

Knox shakes with laughter underneath me. ‘Poor bastard,’ he murmurs so only I can hear it.

‘I’ve got a better story,’ Violet declares. ‘One time, long ago, I went out with this guy who had a dog. And he thought it was fine to … you know in front of the dog.’

‘Gross,’ Annabeth says.

‘He always put the dog outside when I’d ask. The sex was okay. But one night we got home after a party and the dog wouldn’t leave us alone. And I realised it was because it was trying to lick his ass.’

The whole table dissolves into laughter. ‘Needless to say, I didn’t marry him. And I found out later that he was cheating on me with someone from his work anyway.’

Everything around me cools. That’s the thing about carrying a secret shame with you. Just when you think you’ve moved on, it slaps you in the face.

‘What about you, Gen? Got any tragic stories from your time before you met Knox?’ Violet asks.

‘Um, not really,’ I stammer, sure my cheeks are flaming and I look as guilty as I feel. ‘I’m boring.’

The conversation moves on, but I can’t stop thinking about what Violet said about being cheated on. How it’s eerily like my most horrible story, the one I’ve kept to myself. Buried under so much shame and embarrassment that I’ve never told anyone but Meredith and Caleb.

The one where I lost everything and unwittingly became the villain.

The one that destroyed what little faith I had left in romance.

The one that made me an easy target for someone like Brand.

Knox’s hand slips under the back of my jacket, but all the cosiness from before is gone.

‘I’m going to go and get some more water for the table.’ I stand, needing space and cool air to clear my head.

He starts to stand too. ‘I’m good,’ I say. ‘I’ll be right back.’

But I don’t go back. Not right away. I find a spot on the corner of the balcony that overlooks the Ovens River and close my eyes. Feel the bite of the chill that even the sun can’t banish. Listen to the rustling leaves of the gum trees. Hold on to the rail and do my best not to spiral.

You didn’t know , I remind myself.

But it doesn’t matter. A marriage broke up because of me. My actions helped destroy something that was supposed to be sacred and special and enduring .

Suddenly, I’m angry. Furious, even. Because you know what?

It does matter. I didn’t know. It wasn’t my marriage.

I wasn’t in the wrong. All I was guilty of was trusting someone and then overcorrecting.

Brand was supposed to be a safe choice, and look at what a disaster that’s become.

And now he’s going after Knox and Alizée’s.

None of that would’ve happened if I’d been smarter with my choices.

These men have all taken so much from me.

And I’m sick to death of it. I deserve better. We all deserve better.

‘Are you okay?’ Knox asks. Of course he’s come to find me.

Hands buried in his jean pockets, his hair all messy from the mountain air and the baseball cap he took off when we sat down at the table.

But it’s his expression that disarms me.

Concern is written all over his face in the way his mouth tips into a frown, the lines on his forehead, the earnestness in his eyes.

It knocks down the barriers I’ve worked so hard to erect.

‘Is this about the stories? They don’t mean anything. Swapping stories is a rite of passage in the Army. I don’t have any good ones either.’

The easy thing to do would be to laugh it off, pretend I’m fine.

But I don’t want to lie to Knox, or taint whatever this thing is between us. If I expect honesty from him, then I have to offer him the same. I swallow past the lump in my throat. ‘If I tell you something, will you judge me?’

He doesn’t blink or look away. ‘No.’

‘The guy I dated before Brand was married.’ I pause on purpose, and it’s cruel to test him like this when he’s never been anything but good to me. But I know from previous experience that when people promise not to judge you, they can’t help doing it anyway.

Knox’s eyes flicker but he doesn’t speak. He waits and I realise he’s giving me an opportunity to tell him the full story. What am I doing, treating him like this?

‘I didn’t know,’ I continue. ‘But we worked together and when Violet said … it brought everything back. I’ve been beating myself up about this for so long. Thinking I should’ve realised somehow. I’m tired of blaming myself.’

It’s funny how two opposing things can be true at the same time. I don’t want Knox to think badly of me. But I needed to see if he would. His reaction to what I’ve said confirms everything I know about him.

That he’s a good guy.

That what he tells me is true.

I hadn’t realised how much I’d needed to know that.

‘I feel like such an idiot,’ I say.

‘It’s hard to let go of the things that hurt us.’ Knox says it so simply, like it’s just true and there’s no need to question it. Or maybe he’s got personal experience to draw upon. Is this what Celeste was referring to when she said that there were good types of notoriety?

‘You want to get out of here?’ he asks. ‘It’s been fun and I like everyone but’—he shifts his weight from one foot to the other— ‘I’d like to chill out now. Get organised for tomorrow.’

‘That sounds perfect.’

Once we’ve transferred all of Violet’s belongings into Anneke’s car, because they’re staying at the same place, and said goodbye to everyone, we ride in a comfortable silence to the accommodation Yeti organised.

But as Knox unlocks the stained-glass front door of the cabin we’ve been given, my stomach falls to the floor. It’s not the three-bedroom cabin we were expecting.

It’s the honeymoon cabin.

And there’s only one bed.