Page 18 of Icy Heart, Empty Chest

D amien just stared at me. Three beer caps lay before him. I took a sip of a water that Sam had dropped off.

“Cor. Why didn’t you tell me any of that before?”

I shrugged.

“You didn’t really seem to want to talk to me.

Anytime we had plans, you’d reschedule. You were suddenly busy with other clubs and sports.

It’s my fault too. I didn’t really talk to much of anyone during that time.

If I did it was a homework assignment or some such.

I heard what they said about me. You remember Lydia and Ginger? They stopped talking to me too.”

Damien put a hand to his chest and started to rub the scar with the palm of his hand.

“Dae, what’s wrong?”

I froze, not wanting a repeat of a few nights ago. He held out his other hand gently.

“No. I asked for this. I told you my father told me that I shouldn’t see you.

I shouldn’t be friends with you. I don’t know why he didn’t like you so much but he made my mom drop me off and pick me up at activities.

I couldn’t do what I wanted. He had me under a really tight leash.

He’d monitor my phone and email so I couldn’t message you.

If there was any hint of rebellion he’d…

lash out at me any way that he could.” I could see his grip tightening on his bottle.

I wasn’t surprised that Daemon would have resorted to physical punishment.

In fact, it seemed to sit squarely in his wheelhouse.

“I wanted to text you. I wanted to call. But I was afraid of him.”

As father and son went, Daemon and Damien were nothing alike, name similarity aside. Damien took after his mother more: sweet, conscientious. Daemon was more quick to anger, snarky.

“I don’t get why he hated me.” I never actually could figure it out. I had always wondered if my father or mother knew anything about it.

“I don’t either. He just made you out to be ‘lesser.’ The more I fought back about seeing you, the more he cracked down.”

“Did your mom like me at least?” I asked forlornly. I had remembered having good memories with her. She had a very kind and gentle spirit. I had always wondered about their marriage, with him being so bullish, and her so mild.

“She adored you but wouldn’t go against him.

” His dark eyes scanned the room. “He made sure I was busy throughout the entire trial. Any after school time was taken up. The one time I snuck out, I made it a few blocks away from your house. The beating I got that night was something else.” He rubbed his neck in remembrance.

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this then? I knew what he was like, or at least I thought I did.”

“It was Mom actually. She convinced me that slowly cutting you off would be easier than fighting back, even if I didn’t want to do it.

She begged me. Couldn’t stand hearing him get to me.

She couldn’t bear seeing him beat me or hurt me so often.

I wanted to reach out. I mean, you were just a kid.

We were just dumb kids. You shouldn’t have had to go through any of that shit alone.

I mean, kids always want their parents’ approval right?

I shouldn’t have wanted it that hard. I should have… fought harder for you.”

“You shouldn’t have had to push that hard.

I sorta had to. There was no one else but me.

” I had abandoned my drink at that point.

I didn’t feel like drinking. I hated being this vulnerable.

All the things I’d had to swallow down for years were just pouring out of me.

A downpour of truth. It felt odd in truth.

I felt exposed. The raw nerve I’d covered with layers of Band-Aids was now open to air.

“Can you tell me what happened in high school? Include the lake thing. I think it’s obvious now that there were so many pieces I was missing.”

A flash of pain went through me.

“Not tonight. It’s a bit too much tonight,” I replied. My wounded heart was curling like a millipede, trying to protect itself.

“Alright.” He looked forward with sad eyes. “I wish I had known. I owe you every apology under the sun. You always, always deserved more than what you got. Wish I had never had to choose between you two.”

“Maybe I should have been smarter. Maybe I should have figured out that it wasn’t me and my dad issues, and trusted you...I should have trusted you more. It just hurt at the time.”

“I didn’t make it easy for that, I know.” His beautiful eyes glanced at me.

“Damien, I swear on my father’s grave I will get your heart back.

I won’t let you die. I won’t lose you.” As I swore what I hoped was a binding oath, tears started to well up and flow.

I couldn’t remember the last time I had actually cried before he came back into my life.

He looked up, alarmed. I quickly brought up my sleeve to wipe them away.

“Hey! Cor, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t want you to die,” I admitted through sniffles. I felt a ballooning in my chest.

He hopped off his stool and threw his arms around me. “That’s one of the best things you could have said to me.”

He felt like home. A little piece of home from a long time ago.

I hugged him tightly back. Gods almighty he smelled so good. And all that muscle under my fingers—down girl.

“We should probably close out the tab and go home. I will likely ruin my sterling reputation of being ineffable and I have some ideas about my next steps,” I added sniffling.

He released me and raised an eyebrow. “How much do I want to know about this?

I met his eyes and took a deep breath. “I will likely have an answer for you tomorrow. But I need you to trust me.”

“I always have, Cor. That never changed.”

I gave him a watery smile. My brain was buzzing with ideas. As we headed back out to my car, I contemplated how deep I was in. I don’t know if he realized it but I didn’t care. I would go to the ends of the earth to protect him and I think I always knew I would.

As I saw him get into his car, I sent a smile and wave his way.

I was hit by a flood of tears. Sliding down against my door, I stared off into my apartment.

Losing Damien would be like losing the sun in the sky.

I had forgotten how warm he was and how alive he made me feel.

He was one of the few that could ever break me out of the hole I frequently stuck myself in.

I was in so fucking deep.

If I got his heart back then what would change? Would he be the same Damien I’d always known? Would he be able to feel anything?

What if I couldn’t find a way? He was on borrowed time as it was. Would I be able to tolerate him dying in my arms? I’d already lost my father and mother. If I lost his heart, then mine might as well cease to exist. I scrolled up to one of our longer text exchanges from sophomore year:

Cora: What happened today??? All I saw was you fighting and then your dad breaking it up!

Damien: Nico was running his mouth, threw the first punch

Cora: I’ve never seen you lose control like that. What did he say?

Damien: It was stupid.

Cora: So you’re not going to tell me? Your best friend?

Damien: He was calling you a loser, among other things. I stopped it

Cora: Oh, Dae. He’s an idiot. Was your dad upset?

Damien: He’s been going nuclear for the past few hours. I don’t expect it to stop anytime soon.

Cora: I’m so sorry. Do you need to come over?

Damien: He will not let me. I’m on lock down indeterminately

Cora: Damn. Don’t fight over me OK? It’s not worth it.

Damien: I’m always going to defend you, Cor.

Cora: Well, hopefully not at the expense of your face. ;)

Damien: I’m serious, Cora!

Cora: So am I, you have a nice face.

Damien: Gotta go, old man’s angry again.

I went over my wardrobe to find the most professional pieces that I had, laying them out on my bed.

Sometimes the best disguise is the one right before your eyes.

Knee length boots, pencil skirt and a blazer would be suitable for where I was going.

Before going to bed, I sent him a text saying simply, Stay strong , and got a happy face back in return. I hoped it was genuine.

I woke up Saturday morning early. I hadn’t gotten much sleep, mostly tossing and turning, thinking about Damien. Thinking about my plan.

This was not the smartest plan I’d ever concocted in my life but at this point, desperation was starting to seep in. He was in pain. I couldn’t allow it to continue.

So, when the time was right, I hopped in my car for the two-hour journey.

I kept trying to center myself on what was yet to come but my thoughts kept floating to him.

Past but also future. Would he visit me again once his heart was safely back in his chest?

Was I still his best friend, still the same “little nymph” he’d always known?

I pulled into the convention center parking lot feeling a tad nauseated. Was it the fast-food coffee I’d gotten or was it from nervousness? Likely both. I adjusted my wig, scratching at the back of my head.

When I got into the convention center, I picked up the pamphlet with the speakers’ names on it and what rooms they were in.

That was step one. Step two was to adjust the fake glasses that I was sporting and bump ever so clumsily into a doctor.

I relieved her of her badge quickly, flipping it around so only the conference name was showing.

I sat through a forty-five-minute lecture on advancements in hematologic cancers which was fascinating but mostly I was just killing time.

After it let out, I mingled around, looking at the varying exhibits but keeping an eye out for him.

There, close to the mezzanine. He didn’t seem very striking at first, pristine coat, balding, sweating slightly.

Maybe it was for the better. He didn’t have the most muscular frame so I hoped he’d spent more time on books and less on self-defense lessons.

He was picking at a giant pretzel and eyeing the room he was set to go into next.