Page 14 of Icy Heart, Empty Chest

D amien wasn’t entirely sure how he ended up in my car with a seventy-five-pound golden retriever in his lap. Just twenty minutes before that, he was puzzled why we were going to my neighbor’s. I seem to have a knack for throwing him curve balls.

“Recon,” I told him cheerfully as I went to go knock on the Millers’ door. Mrs Miller answered the door, looking exhausted with four sprite children jumping around in the background.

“Can I take Peanut for a walk? I’ve missed my fluffy friend.”

She gratefully handed me the leash as the happy titan flounced over. I knelt, letting myself get covered in kisses and golden dog hair. Damien stood back curiously, watching me get steamrolled by the wagging creature’s affection.

“Are you scared of dogs, Dae?” Peanut was about as vicious as daisy. He’d never known a creature he didn’t love.

“No? I’m just not as used to them as you are. He’s cute though.” He walked forward to ruffle Peanut’s coat. All seventy-five pounds of fur and saliva wagged with happiness.

I clipped on his leash and led them both out to my car. It hadn’t been used in a while because you really could walk everywhere in the city. Mostly I had it for longer trips.

“You should probably get in back. Peanut tries to ride shotgun.” I could tell I was trying his patience but it was too funny watching the big dog try to climb over.

“Why do we need a dog?” He looked at Peanut’s clueless expression quizzically.

“I always need a dog, just look at his cute face. But it’s easier to be in neighborhoods not your own with an excuse. Besides, I missed him.”

“You want a dog?” He seemed surprised.

“Yeah. I started taking Peanut for long walks every once in a while if Mrs Miller looked like she was balancing the world on her shoulders, which is often considering how many kids they have. Came in handy for my second job later. She doesn’t ask questions and he comes home all tuckered out.”

I drove us to about a block before the doctor’s house and parked. Damien got out and I took Peanut’s leash.

“Let’s go see what we can find out.” We set out at a brisk pace. Peanut was clearly thrilled and found every tree and hydrant to sniff on the way. I wasn’t going to interrupt his investigation. Soon, we got in the cul-de-sac.

I nodded to which house it was. “With your perfect vision, what do you see?”

He took a moment to scan before he answered.

“Two story brick house, chimney, shed in the backyard. No signs for a security system. No visible cameras either. Newspaper box is full of a few days’ worth of papers. So no security system and no one has visited it recently.”

I carefully let go of the leash and Peanut walked a few steps away, turning his head to see if I was coming. I had taught him this. As long as I kept walking, he would keep walking forward, into the good doctor’s backyard.

“Cor, what are you doing…?” Damien hissed quietly

“Oh no, Peanut’s leash slipped out of my hands!” I called dramatically. I had looked around. Many of the houses didn’t appear to have anyone in them at this time during the work day. No kids playing outside either.

I could see enough of Damien out of the corner of my eye to see him run a hand over his face and try to pin me with glare.

“You’ll be the death of me, woman.”

“No I won’t. I’m saving you, remember?” I called that out with more confidence than I had currently. I let my curly hair flounce over my shoulder.

My stomach had been churning for the last few days since he came back into my life. I’m not sure if it was nerves, his faith in my skills, his dislike of my methods or the fact that he’s probably the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen and has aged like a glorious vintage.

It was very distracting when someone who looked like statue of the old gods was staring at you.

The backyard was mostly empty. Quickly peeking in the side window to the shed showed some landscaping tools, some bagged dirt and not much more. There was a door to the outside though.

“Peanut! There you are!” I called. He turned his fluffy head toward me with a big floppy smile on his face and headed back to where I could “snatch” up the leash.

“Damien, I got him,” I called triumphantly.

“I see that,” he answered both agitated and amused.

“Come on boy, get off the lawn.” Despite my silly tone, I knew the dog was having a fun romp even if my old friend wasn’t.

Once we had cleared the grass I knelt in front of the driveway and nuzzled his fluffy face.

“Oh, Mr Peanut, you found me a backyard basement entrance. You are the best boy.” Dogs were far more soothing to me than people could ever be.

Peanut gave my face another kiss or three and we continued on our walk.

Damien started laughing as we approached my car.

“What’s so funny?”

“Can’t say you’re not resourceful.”

I did a mock curtsy in my coat and opened the door so the dog could get back in.

After dropping Peanut off, we parted ways. I told Damien to meet back at seven to get to Ziedlin’s house.

I wondered around my apartment aimlessly. It was still relatively early in the morning but the apartment felt smaller, emptier without him in it.

I didn’t like that. Maybe it was just ’cause I typically didn’t have company.

Maybe some of the girls from work, maybe Finneas.

I was usually a solitary creature. I always had been.

When my father was alive, he was a master of letting me have my space but would always answer questions or entertain my disruptions.

My urge to stress clean was kicking in. I frowned.

That wasn’t good; I usually wasn’t this nervous before a job.

Mostly because I usually didn’t have any personal stakes in them.

This was different. If I thought something would be dangerous enough, I just wouldn’t take it, but right now I had no choice.

I spearheaded this mess after getting choked by my own hubris. We both did.

I sighed and headed over to the almost nonexistent dishes. I’m sure the bathroom would need to be scrubbed too. I narrowed my eyes at the laundry—later.

A few hours later, I found myself in a visual meditation.

If I knew where I was going, I should be able to see it in my head, and the routes I’d need to go.

Finneas had taught me this visualization a few years back when I first started out.

Many people blank when it comes to new places.

Being able to construct an area in your mind gave you more power over your surroundings.

I could see the doors and their knobs, the windows and their locks, paintings on the walls and— a knock on my door?

I rose from my spot and made my way to the front to see Damien holding two steaming coffees.

I eyed him suspiciously. “You’re early.” He was. Close to an hour and ten minutes.

He pushed a coffee toward me. “Can I come in?”

I took the java offering gratefully, recognizing the roast from my place of employment.

“So…?”

“So what?” he asked, putting his coat on the hook, not meeting my eyes.

“You’re early,” I repeated.

“Yup, you said that.”

“What’s wrong? You look agitated,” I observed, dropping onto the couch.

“I shouldn’t be. I work in a somewhat high stress field. I’m usually OK with chaos and the unknown.” He shrugged his shoulders and took the chair opposite me.

I swirled the cup around. “This is a bit different.”

“I just couldn’t really relax at home,” he confessed.

“I think I’d be surprised if you could.”

He frowned. “What do you mean?”

“When you’re at work, do you usually have any personal involvement in your cases?”

He shook his head, dark seafoam hair shifting. “Never. We’d have to pass it on to someone else if we did.” I nodded, taking a deep swig of the coffee.

“This is heavy for me too,” I admitted. “This isn’t my typical job.”

The last job I had before this one involved climbing a trellis to get into a mansion site where I was acting like a waitress for a fancy occasion. I “got lost,” grabbed the necklace and went back out a window. Way more fun.

“I keep imagining that scene from the gothic book where it’s my heart and it’s just pulsating underneath someone’s floor.” The look on his face was bitter, regretful. “I fucked this all up,” he announced, leaning his head to the back of the chair.

“Well, let’s see if we can un-fuck it.” I rose to get a map of Ziedlin’s house.

I found you could get more accomplished with a can-do attitude rather than actually giving up before you start.

“Before you got here, I was trying to visualize the space. I could teach you.” It was easy enough to learn with some imagination.

I started to clear my mind to teach him the basics.

“Before I got here, Marie asked me out.”

I choked on a small sip of coffee, trying to collect myself, with a deep cough.

“Don’t spit take on the map, now,” he said.

I hadn’t checked my phone in hours. I wondered if there was anything on there from her.

“What did she say?” I was endlessly curious.

“Gave me a bevy of compliments and asked if I wanted to get dinner.” He shook his head.

I cringed. “And what did you say?”

“I told her she was very sweet but a relationship wasn’t really a priority right now.”

I felt oddly relieved. Maybe it was because I wouldn’t have to see any lovey-dovey crap, or that Marie could finally move on.

“And now you’re going to make me talk to you every day, now that she’ll be too embarrassed?” I said jokingly. The mood didn’t lighten.

“Sorry. Your emotions doing OK?” I felt a bit unsettled myself. I seldom saw him this blank, this numb. Maybe he was faking any smiles but, man, they sure looked more convincing. This was unnerving.

“Not really. They’ve been better.” The frown on his face hadn’t moved since he got here.

I sat at the table. “What does it feel like?”

“Like getting hit with really strong waves as a kid at the beach. One way is negativity, another might be fear, another might be anger.”

“Want to refocus?” I tapped the map.

He nodded.

“With the help of Peanut, we discovered that backdoor. If we go up the basement stairs, we’re at the first level.

Looks like mainly a kitchen and small bathroom, maybe a sitting area.

The east stairs go up to this big floor space, with bedroom over here and these set of rooms over here.

Probability says here,” I said, with a tap.

“Thank you.”

I looked up, puzzled.

“For what?”

“For doing this. For not leaving me to find it myself.” He looked sad, remorseful. It felt wrong. The Damien I knew was previously jubilant, easygoing. I was the moody one.

“I was stupid to move it. I didn’t think about what I was doing,” I admitted. “Besides you have my money-back guarantee.” I threw in what I hoped was a dazzling smile. “You used to love dumb jokes,” I bemoaned when his facial expressions didn’t move.

“I still do. Dad jokes or puns. That was just bad,” he said neutrally.

“It got you to smile a bit so it’s a win.” A ghost of smile had crested over his face.

“Then, Cora, you’d be the first person in a while. I have to fake a lot of stuff these days.”

I looked up, not knowing what to say. This side of Damien was foreign to me. I couldn’t fathom how empty he looked in the last few days.

“We have an hour till we have to go. What can I do to help?”

“With what?”

“Your emotional wellbeing.”

“Do you happen to have a time machine to help me go back and stop me from doing some extremely stupid shit?”

I patted the pockets of my jeans. “Darn, left it in my other pants.”

He cocked his head slightly. “Tell me a good memory. Of us, as kids.”

I put my cup down and thought for a second.

“Remember the swimming regional championships in eighth grade? You were so nervous. Your coach put you in as a substitute and then your other team member got diarrhea. It was just you up there from your team. It wasn’t even one of your usual events, you just volunteered because you didn’t want them alone.

As soon as you hit the water, you were off like a shot.

Left the other three completely behind. Your mom was sitting next to me that day.

Told me how proud she was of you.” I could still smell the heavy chlorine, see him pulling off his goggles to observe his first-place finish.

“I never knew that.”

“Totally true. And! And after you gave us both a very wet hug, you turned greener than your normal shade because it turns out, you too had gotten food poisoning from the same team dinner. Just delayed a few hours.”

He chuckled.

“You were the only one I knew who could set a new swimming record while having projectile diarrhea.” I smiled at the thought. “Maybe that’s why you swam faster.”

“I thought I’d have to go to the hospital because I was so dehydrated the next few days.”

“You were OK. I made sure you had soup.”

He turned to me seriously. “I remember the healing powers of your dad’s soup.”

I felt a pang in my chest at the mention but kept a smile on.

“Cor, after tonight, you tell me what happened with the benefit.”

My smile vanished.

“You want the truth?”

“Always.” Some fire had returned to his eyes.

“That one hurts. That day would have been my time machine moment.”

“That you would have gone someplace else or done something else?”

I nodded. I downed the rest of my lukewarm coffee.

“Be back in a minute.”

The burn of tears threatened my eyes as I moved to the bathroom as casually as I could. I changed into the black T-shirt and black legging combo and braided my hair, trying to refocus.

I had a job to do.