Page 23

I grabbed my journal from the desk in my room and settled myself at the kitchen table.

With pen in hand, physically writing the words became an insurmountable task.

To put on paper that I was amazing felt like a monumental lie.

My grip on the pencil was tight enough to bend it a little, but I couldn’t make myself write the words.

Daddy B, who’d been watching me, strode purposefully across the room and crouched next to my chair.

“Kiddo, what’s wrong?” Daddy’s hands landed on my thighs as he waited for me to speak.

As hard as it was to put the words on paper, I definitely couldn’t speak them aloud.

There was nothing awesome about me. I was a nondescript guy doing a nondescript job and leading a nondescript life.

There was nothing fucking awesome about me.

But if I put that down on paper, it would be a lie.

However, if I admitted there wasn’t anything great about me, then I would sound like a pathetic loser to Brennen Tate, goalie of our hockey team, whom everybody thought was really fucking awesome.

“I just don’t think I can do this. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that I can’t.” This was so embarrassing. I should’ve just written it down. It wasn’t like it really mattered anyway, but I had to make a big deal out of it for no reason other than… I didn’t even know why.

“Why do you say that?” Daddy B didn’t press me for an answer or list off a bunch of alternatives it could’ve been. Instead, he stayed right next to me, crouched down, and let me formulate an answer in my head before I forced myself to speak.

“I just don’t think I’m fucking awesome.

I’m basic. My family isn’t rich. I’m terrible at sports.

There’s no one who’s going to go weak in the knees because I smile at them.

I’m not dumb, but I’m not a super genius either.

Writing down a sentence that says I’m awesome feels like more of a joke on me than anything. ”

If my goal was to ruin whatever amount of attraction Daddy B felt toward me, this was the perfect way to go.

There was nothing like laying all my insecurities bare.

If I didn’t already feel like such a joke, I would’ve laughed at myself.

I could tell Daddy B was choosing his words carefully.

He was thinking hard about them before he spoke.

“How about we table this for now, and you come take a walk with me? I think we could both use some fresh air.”

“You’re not mad, Daddy B?”

“Not at all, kiddo. Come on, let’s go get your shoes on and then we’ll go.

” Daddy B took my hand and led me into the living room, where my shoes were next to the couch.

He helped me put them on and then tied them tight.

The apartment was only a block or two from the city park, so we headed over there at a brisk pace.

The Pacific Northwest in the spring wasn’t exactly warm, but at least the rain had let up for a couple of hours.

Even though it was soggy, everything smelled fresh and new.

At the entrance to the park, Daddy veered us off to the right, which led to an undeveloped path along a creek bed.

I stopped to read the sign that said it was a salmon spawning creek, but it was too early to see any fish.

The farther we ventured down the trail, the more rustic it became until it felt like a path cut through the woods.

In about five minutes, a clearing opened up, and we arrived near a shallow creek bed.

There were a few benches and picnic tables set up along the pebbled creek edge.

“How do you even know about this place?”

“I grew up in this neighborhood, and we used to come down here as kids to play war or whatever. When I got older and needed to think, I’d come down here too. Skipping rocks clears my head. When I told my parents my major, I spent a lot of time down here.”

“Why?”

“My dad was hoping I’d follow him into academia, but that was never going to happen. I don’t mind school, but I don’t love it.” Daddy B reached down to select a rock and then sent it skipping down the creek. “My parents swear I’m not adopted, but I think it’s possible they’re lying about it.”

“Yeah?”

“My dad’s a psych professor, remember? I don’t remember if I said my mom taught English. Anyway, they love themselves some school.”

“Oh. My. God. Is your dad Professor Tate?” Daddy B laughed and nodded. “I took Intro to Psych with him.”

“Yeah, he always teaches one session of it because he says it keeps him on his toes.”

“The TA said we were lucky to get in there with him because he usually teaches graduate and upper-level classes. He’s a great teacher.” Daddy B was clearly proud to hear me praise his dad. “How did I not put it together sooner?”

Daddy B shrugged. “That part I don’t know, but yeah, they ended up with this oversized kid—both my parents are kind of short, but I take after my dad’s brothers—who loves hockey and being outside.”

“Your parents aren’t outdoorsy people?”

“I’m pretty sure my folks are allergic to fresh air. They live in the good old PNW and don’t even hike. Well, my mom never does, but my dad makes an exception for the trails near our cabin.”

“Shocking!” I clutched my pearls at his shocking confession. “I bet they don’t even own beanies.”

“And they’d both rather be caught dead than wear socks and Birks.”

“But how do they wear them in the winter?” I was genuinely perplexed.

“They don’t even own Birks… Wild, right?”

“It is. It really, really is.”

“So here they are with this kid who tells them he doesn’t want to go into academia or law school or engineering or whatever but wants to be a cop.”

“Maybe they’re concerned about your safety.”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s part of it. And they are good parents who love me a lot, but they don’t understand why I want to move to Tannenberg and be a deputy up there.”

“Why do you?”

“You remember the area we went to for our hike?” I nodded, and he continued, “It’s our family land, and I’ve always felt most at home there.

We spent every summer and most winter breaks up there.

Every weekend I could go, I did. As for the deputy part, it’s gonna sound cheesy, but I want to do something that protects the area I love most.”

“I don’t think it’s cheesy. I think it’s sweet.”

“They’d like you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you. Maybe we were switched at birth because you’re their kind of people.

You like books and learning.” Heat flooded my cheeks.

It was true—my dad had gotten tired of hearing about what I’d learned each day, and I’d gotten frustrated that he didn’t want to hear about it.

When he had an extra thirty seconds, Dad checked sports scores like a religion.

“You know why else they’d like you?”

I shrugged.

“Because I’ve got really great fucking taste.”

I wasn’t sure if he was serious, but he wasn’t laughing. There was no glint in his eyes, only a deadpan expression and sincerity. The absurdity finally struck me and I just couldn’t control myself. My giggles turned to full-blown belly laughs.

“Are you serious right now? That’s why you think your parents would like me? Because you have great taste?”

“Well, that and you’re sexy as hell…”

“I don’t think your parents would care about that.”

“You’re probably right on that one. All right, we’ll just leave that one for me.” When I rolled my eyes, he reached over and lightly pinched me. “They would appreciate how much you care about other people and how considerate you are, but it bothers me that you don’t see that about yourself.”

I got off the park bench where I had been sitting and moved to the edge of the creek to examine all the rocks on the bank.

Some of them were pretty cool, with polished edges and interesting veins running through them.

I thought about how to explain myself, and it took me a minute to gather my thoughts.

“It’s hard for me to say I’m awesome when I’ve never been enough.”

“What do you mean?”

“I wasn’t enough for my mom to stick around.

My dad would rather stay at work than be around me.

I’ve been here three years, and you’re the first person I’ve connected with.

My old roommate actively kicked me out of our dorm room.

Wojak hates me, and I’ve barely spoken to him.

I don’t get why people don’t like me because I try really hard. ”

Daddy B squatted next to me on the creek bed while I continued to mindlessly hunt for pretty rocks.

I hadn’t expected to lay out my insecurities in front of him like that, but it was too late to take them back.

I knew my mom and dad splitting up didn’t really have anything to do with me, but the effect was the same.

She happily went on with her life in Portland.

My dad had been stuck with me, and now Daddy B was too.

“Kiddo, I think I messed up.” I looked up over at him, confused.

“My punishment was intended to be a reminder. It didn’t do that at all, so I’m changing it.

Instead of writing sentences, every morning you’re going to tell me something you like about yourself, and every night before bed, you’re gonna to tell me something you did right. ”

I felt queasy over his changed punishment, and I now sincerely, completely, and totally wished I’d been able to bring myself to write those sentences.

Rather than push back on it, though, I returned my attention to the rocks.

The rocks were something I couldn’t mess up. Daddy B silently joined in my hunt.

Over the next hour, we hunted rocks in silence. By the end, we had a large pile created between the two of us. Unfortunately, I couldn’t take them all home, but I sorted through them to find my favorites. It took several rounds before my keep pile was a reasonable size.

“Daddy B, thank you for bringing me here. Most of the time, I don’t like being out in the woods, but I like it with you.”

“Thanks for coming out here with me. I like sharing it with you.” For the first time today, Daddy B looked unsure. “I’m going to make mistakes.”

“With me?” I ran back through the day. He’d invited me to lunch and defended me to Wojack. And even though I struggled with the sentences, I knew he wasn’t out of line about them. Plus, when he saw my struggle, he took me out of my head and got me talking. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Next time, I need to ask more questions.” I shrugged. “And I shouldn’t have let Wojak get under my skin at lunch.”

“I think you’re doing a great job, Daddy B.”

“Thanks, kiddo.” He pulled me closer for a forehead kiss. Gah, he was so hot. And he was extra, extra hot when he was being sweet. We needed to tag a few more bases. Soon.