Page 9 of I Got Abducted by Aliens and Now I’m Trapped in a Rom-Com (Cosmic Chaos #1)

Some would call ignoring your problems unhealthy. I call it an art form. Lose out on that scholarship? Crochet a jellyfish. Ring cam showed your overbearing mom on your doorstep with some lawyer’s son? Go for a hike until they leave. Crazy possessive alien mate problems? Distract, deflect, ignore!

“What is going on with these billboards?” I asked. Intern followed my gaze, as if the stream of billboards randomly scattered about the rolling hills was supposed to be an everyday occurrence.

His beak clicked before he slowly sounded out the word. “Billboards.” With a delighted tail shake, he hopped from the crook of Blossom’s neck to her back and proudly waved at the menagerie of confusing advertisements. “Ah, your human note cards! More enrichment items to help with your transition to this planet. Do you like them?”

The closest boasted a spoon rising out of a graveyard surrounded by bats under the full moon, while 1980s horror- movie-style text read SPOONKILLER SERENADE: JAZZERCISE WITH UTENSILS . Not far from it sat another billboard that had a picture of a smiling woman holding a clipboard that read Who will add your enemies to the list? Call Kiran today!

“Intern, tell me what you think billboards are.”

His cheer faltered, and he looked at Kiran’s billboard before tilting his head. “Um…Hmm. Don’t humans use them to mark their way? We saw them all over the roads leading to your homes.”

Case studies could be done on how little research these fuckers put in before they grabbed us.

“All right, first of all, no, we don’t use them to mark the way. We use them to advertise goods and products. Second, these aren’t even in a line on the road. Or, well, dirt path, I should say.” Exactly one of them was actually on the beaten path we’d been following all day. And by that I mean it was directly in the center of the path, and Blossom had to veer around it. The others had no rhyme or reason to their placement. Some were smack dab in the middle of the river, some jammed straight through trees, and a cluster of them formed a bush that could have passed as an art exhibit called Capitalist Jamboree . “Third, do you even know what they say?”

He blinked as if the meaning behind the words never occurred to him. “No, we assumed your language was too primitive to bother studying. Our translator symbionts couldn’t even make sense of it when we ran our initial tests. These billboards were all done by AI. It’s a marvel that the symbiont you absorbed on the ship was capable of altering itself to fit your rudimentary human brain. OW!” He held a tiny hand to his forehead, rubbing the spot where I’d flicked him. “What was that for?”

“Just my rudimentary human brain getting the better of me, I guess.”

As we kept on the path, the rolling hills disappeared into thickets of kudzu. The aggressive little vine had even climbed its way up a few of the billboards in its quest for world domination. “Even alien planets aren’t safe from your conquest,” I muttered.

“Whose conquest?” Sol asked, from behind me. After our tryst in the grass, Lok had offered up Blossom to the other Sankado and mounted Beast instead. Maybe he did it as a reward for Sol being agreeable for once. Or maybe he just wanted to show off the fact that he was capable of riding the ornery duckbill without getting bucked off. Either way, I was glad for it after his little possessive snit.

“Hmm? Oh, I meant that thicket choking up the billboards over there. It’s called kudzu. Also known as ‘the vine that ate the South’ due to how absurdly fast growing and invasive it is. Entire jobs have been created just to fight its eternal crusade. It’s a little funny to see it still doing its thing on an alien planet.”

“Your people dedicate part of their workforce to fight a vine? Must be incredibly deadly. We’ll be sure to steer clear.”

“No, it’s not deadly. Just highly invasive.”

“Does it matter?”

“Of course it does. Kudzu can destroy a thriving ecosystem and turn it into a monoculture. All the native wildlife gets swallowed up into the thicket, which means less food for wildlife, erosion control issues, and a host of other problems.”

“Hmm, I never expected such a fuss over a vine.”

“I am a never-ending sea of useless plant knowledge.”

He gave the kudzu an appreciative glance. “Doesn’t seem all that useless to me.”

Blossom groaned her complaints as the path bled into a steep hill. The incline forced me to shift my weight back to maintain my balance, and I found myself pressed against Sol.

My breath hitched as I felt the powerful muscles of Sol’s chest behind me; the heat of his body seeped through the layers of fabric separating us. My heart raced as I became all too aware of the strong arm wrapped protectively around my waist. Which by all accounts was fucking ridiculous. We’d just had sex. Twice already today.

I let out an aggravated sigh and waited for the onslaught of lust. When my kitty cat didn’t start singing the song of her people, I let myself relax against him a bit. Maybe I’m just feeling the residual effects of the serum.

Sol rested his chin on my head, causing a tingling feeling to spread throughout my body. I swallowed thickly and tried to push the feeling down. It wasn’t lust, thank small miracles, yet his nearness all but had me twirling my hair and kicking my feet like some blushing schoolgirl.

Oh no.

“Are you all right?” he asked.

“Hmm? Yeah, why?” I asked, in a completely normal, totally not high-pitched voice.

His hand slid down my arm until his thumb traced circles along my wrist before pressing against my pulse. “This is beating faster than a war drum. Do you need to rest?” The attention only caused my heart to race faster.

No. Nooo, fuck! I ripped my arm out of his grasp and scooted as far away from him as the saddle allowed. “I’m fine. Just a little hot.”

“Are you sure?” His tone turned teasing, and I could practically feel the smirk on his face. “You humans clearly aren’t a hardy bunch. There’s no sign of a storm coming yet, so I promise I won’t hold it against you if you need a break.”

I want to ask about your day and create a shared playlist on Spotify so I can learn your music tastes. No, dammit, Dory! You weak bitch, this was supposed to be fun alien sex. Why do you always equate good dick with relationship material?

CORRELATION DOES NOT EQUAL CAUSATION!

“Dory?”

The devil on my shoulder giggled at the concern in his voice, and I mentally grabbed the evil little bugger and threw her under Blossom’s feet. A crush on Sol was not a part of the game plan. The plan was to get to the research center, punch the department head in the face, and see about stealing a ship for the ride home.

…after figuring out if there were gas stations in space.

It was probably just a trick of the serum anyway. If we were back on Earth, and he was just another guy in a coffee shop, I absolutely would not look twice at that strong jawline. His catty attitude was annoying and not endearing in the slightest. Nor were his weird-ass golden eyes that shimmered with the warmth of a thousand sunsets… FUCK. MEEEEEE!

“I said I’m fine!” I snapped, then fanned myself to drive home the lie. “This heat, it’s just getting to me, that’s all. How long until we reach the cul-de-sac, Intern?”

The Biwban jumped up and struggled on tiny wings to lift himself higher in the air. He peered past the hill we were climbing, then fluttered back down to his perch. “About four more Earth miles. You should be able to see it once we clear this hill.”

“That’s a relief.” I sighed.

“Hey, Stardust, what’s that one say?” Lok shifted back on Beast’s saddle and pointed to a billboard in the river. His demeanor was back to that of the carefree flirt. How easily the wolf slips into his sheepskin.

At some point I’d need to sort out how far Lok’s possessiveness went. With any luck, he was simply a wolf in the sheets. If so, hell yes, be still my raging heart. But if I actually had to do something about this, I was gonna be fucking pissed.

Still, I was beyond grateful for the distraction and peered over my shoulder, then snorted at the image of a shark with piano keys for teeth and read it aloud. “Accordion Acid Academy: Squeeze the Noise!” He barked out a laugh and pointed to another. “Fizzy Pickle Parakeets Tickled by the Brine!”

Behind me, Sol let out a sound that had me whip around to see his face, confirming it was still him and not some doppelg?nger. “Sol,” I asked slowly, “was that a laugh?”

His jaw clenched. “No.”

“Well, fizzle my brine, maybe you can do more than scowl and run your mouth.”

He smirked. “You weren’t complaining about my mouth earlier.”

I bit the inside of my cheek. “I…all right, you win that one.”

Starting tomorrow I only ride with Lok. Sol is dangerously my type and a girl has to have her wits about her when traversing an alien planet. Lok was a danger all on his own, but at least his playboy style of flirting didn’t make me fantasize about cosigning a lease.

So long as I played the part of an agreeable mate, he’d keep taking me toward the research center. For all he knew, I just wanted revenge against the department head. I made a mental note to tell Toto not to spill the beans about the escape plan, or the birth control.

Deep down I knew there was no chance in hell I’d be able to fly an alien spaceship back to earth, but living in la-la land, where I wasn’t permanently trapped here, felt comforting. Besides, miracles happen on occasion; look at a Hallmark movie. I had to at least try to get home.

Right?

Of course I’m right. I’ll enjoy my little alien vacation, go home, sell the videos and notes I’ve taken to the highest bidder, and live the high life for the rest of my days. Simple.

Damn I miss TikTok.

“What’s got your mind in a rush?” Sol asked.

I shrugged. “Just wondering when I’m gonna learn to stop lying to myself.”

“Ah. Did you come to a conclusion?”

I turned to look at him, drinking in that mind-numbing tonka-bean smell until I grew dangerously close to trying to decipher what his zodiac sign was. “No. I think I’ll live in my fantasy world a little longer.”

“Hmm. Let me know when you return to reality.”

“What if I don’t want to? It’s nice here in denial land. I might set up shop and stay awhile.”

“Then you are a foolish creature with fits of fancy.”

I snapped my fingers. “Virgo.”

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s not important.” Of course he’d be Virgo to my Cancer. I remembered Intern mentioning something about the Biwban using an algorithm to match pairs based on compatibility. Not that a race of highly intelligent beings would base their research on a star chart from a solar system they weren’t even a part of, but still. He seemed like a Virgo. Which meant I was fucked.

Thwack.

Something wet and sticky slapped against my side, nearly yanking me off Blossom when it retracted. I flailed, grabbing the front of the saddle to avoid falling off. I looked around wildly for the source. “What the hell was that?”

Behind me I heard Lok’s booming laughter. He pointed to a green boulder on the side of the hill. The boulder suddenly grew eyes, and a long tongue shot out to grab at me again with a loud thwack , but its stickiness was only strong enough to jerk me forward. My mouth hung open when the giant frog bellowed in disapproval.

“That’s an American bullfrog the size of a cow,” I said, pressing my palms to both sides of my temples. “An American…bullfrog…the size. Of. A. Cow.”

Sol peered over at the scientific anomaly with bored interest. “So you mentioned.”

Lok clicked his tongue and steered Beast closer to us. “Did you want to eat it? The legs are delicious over an open fire.”

I swung my legs to one side and slid down Blossom. “I don’t think you guys are hearing me.” My arms flung out to the bullfrog to emphasize my point. “It’s a giant…frog. This doesn’t happen. That’s nowhere near the size a frog is supposed to be.”

Intern lifted his arm and scanned the creature. His screen came up with a little beep and a holographic image of the frog pulled up. “Hmm. It says it’s a common Earth species. Could it be another one of your dinosaurs?”

“No, it cannot be!” I said, fully freaking out. “Never, in the history of frogs, has there ever been a species more than ten pounds. TEN! Not even the Beelzebufo, the KING DADDY of frogs, got to be even a third of the size of that thing!”

Lok nodded slowly, eyeing me as if I’d grown a second head. “All right…Do you want to find out what it tastes like or…?”

“I just…” Mind reeling, I put my hands on my hips and moved closer. “No scientist in the entire world has ever recorded a frog of that magnitude. Yet there it is. Trying—”

Thwack.

“And failing to eat me. How am I supposed to move on from this?” I asked the frog. “How are you even alive?”

Its only response was to slap me with its tongue again.

“We’ve already established that doesn’t work,” I said, running a hand down my face. “Which leads me to ask again, giant frog, how are you alive?” My question ended on a shout that had the behemoth amphibian squatting lower in his place in the dirt.

“Why is she yelling at the frog?” Lok asked Sol.

The hunter shook his head with a smirk. “She does this. Just let her have it.”

Intern scoffed from his place on the saddle. “Dory, never mind the frog. We should get going—”

I held up a finger, cutting him off. “We’re not going anywhere until I figure this shit out!” I marched up closer to the frog and began snapping pictures with my phone. When I got a good ten feet away, I beckoned Lok closer with a wave. “Hey, Lok, sweetheart, you want to earn some good mate points, grab your spear and come help me.”

The larger Sankado dismounted and came to my side. “What do you need, gorgeous?”

Not bothering to look back, I moved in closer to the frog. “If it eats me, stab it until it doesn’t.”

Sol let off a frustrated noise before jumping off Blossom. “No, no, don’t get near it. It’s still big enough to swallow you whole!”

I stuck a hand to my hip and whirled to face him. “I know that.” Smiling, I nodded to Lok. “That’s what he’s here for.”

Terribly smug, Lok crossed his arms over his chest and looked down his nose at Sol. “Yeah, that’s what I’m here for.”

Growling, Sol grabbed my shoulder to stop me. “That doesn’t mean you go sticking your strange little head into a predator’s mouth just because it’s big. We’ve already established that those Biwban took a few creatures from your planet you’re not used to seeing. This is no different.”

“You don’t understand!” I squeezed his biceps and shook him a little bit in my excitement. “It should not exist. Based on the fact that its tongue isn’t strong enough to pull me to it”—I paused to run a hand up my body before gesturing to the frog—“a creature which, by all accounts, it should be able to eat due to the increase in size, then…” I released the hunter and ran around the frog to capture its full size. “This is my white whale. This is a mystery.” I snapped another picture, then looked at my much calmer companions. “Why is no one else freaking out?”

They stared at me blankly, so I moved on to more important matters. The bullfrog’s body was half sunken into the dirt. A layer of dried crust around its lower half told me it had been there for a while at least. Drag marks appeared in the dirt behind it and headed toward the river not far away. “So you must have dragged yourself here instead of hopping. Your legs don’t appear to be any different from your Earth counterpoint. Which would mean your body hasn’t adapted enough to your new size to maintain your mobility. But your tongue didn’t get stronger either, and you didn’t gain any extra muscle mass to be able to lunge after prey, so just what are you eating, you giant slimy marvel, you?”

The frog’s body lifted slightly, so its large eyes could focus on me. One large webbed forefoot came out as the frog shifted its weight to its side.

“Oh! Yes, yes! Come chase me!” I said, running into its sight line and backing up. I patted my knee with one hand and held up my camera in the other. “Come on, big guy. Show me those moves.”

Lok glanced at the hunter and gestured toward me. “Should we be jealous?”

“I refuse,” he replied instantly.

The frog’s forelegs shot out and dug into the ground a few steps from my feet; then with a grunt the frog slowly dragged itself toward me.

“Get away from the blasted frog!” Sol snapped.

The poor giant made a few pitiful attempts at trying to gobble me up. But all I had to do was back up another step to avoid it. There was no way this thing hunted anything bigger than a house cat. Yet it had grown to adulthood, and if those groaning noises coming from the lake were any indication, there were enough of them to warrant a breeding population. What could have caused frogs, of all things, to blow up like this? My mind was so deep down the rabbit hole of this ribbit mystery that I didn’t even notice Sol dragging me away until he pulled me in front and forced me to look at him.

“Do you want to die?” he asked, vexation evident in his dark eyes.

“Not particularly.”

“Then why are you offering yourself up to a frog?”

“I wanna know what it eats.” The words came out a little more clipped than I’d meant them to. “Thought that would be pretty obvious at this point.”

“You,” he barked. “You and any other wandering creature foolish enough to stick their head in its mouth.”

Thwack.

Sol jumped with a yelp, then shot the frog a glare. He closed his eyes on an inhale. “Look, it’s not like you can ask it.”

I stared wordlessly at him. “OH! I CAN KISS IT AND ASK IT!”

“No!” Sol lunged, catching me around my waist. He brought an arm around my neck, bringing me flush against him. His breath fanned across my ear as he took a measured breath. “You are not kissing the fr—”

Thwack.

I watched as that tongue globbed onto Sol’s face seemingly in slow motion; every emotion from surprise to horror to grim acceptance flashed across his face. His cheek pulled away before snapping back on a ricochet.

I couldn’t stop the laughter if I tried. Sol threw me over his shoulder and brought me to where Lok was doubled over in the grass. “Watch her,” he said, dumping me next to him. Sol left to wash his face off in the river as Lok and I tried to get it together.

“Fly!” bellowed a voice.

The frog’s tongue shot out and caught a microraptor flying overhead. Poor thing never stood a chance.

“Oh…well, that answers that.”

In seconds the frog’s meal was no more than a few blue feathers trapped around its mouth. “Ack!” it croaked. In a long confused-sounding bellow, it shouted, “Answers…that?” It tilted its head, then blinked rapidly. Then fixed its eyes on me and asked, “Fly?”

Keeping my voice soothing, I answered, “No, buddy. Not a fly.”

The frog shuddered at my words, then leaned back and watched the sky. “Not…fly.”

“Nope.”

Its eyes darted to me again, then away. “I…not fly.” The frog blinked rapidly again. A look of shock crossed its face. “I…I can…think?” The frog fell very still. Then it just started screaming and didn’t stop.

I pulled out my phone and added a note not to grant sentience to any other animals.