Page 11 of I Got Abducted by Aliens and Now I’m Trapped in a Rom-Com (Cosmic Chaos #1)

Nothing ruins the blissful afterglow of a scalding-hot shower like a saber-toothed tiger in your bedroom.

Water dripped from my red curls to the hardwood floor. My hand stayed frozen on the doorknob while the cat pinned me with a chilling glare.

“You have no business being in this climate.”

She snarled.

I shut the door.

Resting my head against the doorframe, I tried to fight off the impending mental spiral of why in the world an ice-age megafauna was in such a hot landscape. Clearly the Biwban just dropped every animal they made wherever they wanted, but did no one question the reason for the double coat? The damn thing must be so hot. “Stop it, Dory. Focus,” I whispered to myself. “How does one get a Smilodon out of one’s bedroom?”

For a moment, I decided to pretend that the Smilodon and I came to an agreement where we both just decided the other didn’t exist so we could move on with our lives in peace.

Bam!

“I’m sure that was nothing.”

The Smilodon roared and threw herself against the bedroom door. Which probably meant she’d decided to try to eat me after all, instead of allowing us to delude ourselves into a mutual peace. Shame, really. Why does no one else want to live in delululand?

I calmly walked over to the window next to the staircase, opened it, stuck my head out, and screamed bloody murder. The reaction was immediate: Toto leapt up from his spot resting in a patch of grass and looked around wildly. My two aliens burst from their respective houses and bolted toward mine.

Help on the way, I pulled my towel tighter around my body and descended the stairs. By the time I reached the bottom, the Smilodon had smashed a paw through the bedroom door and was frantically clawing at the wood to get out.

My trio of protectors burst through the front door while the Smilodon broke down the other. I shouldered my way past them. “Take care of that, fellas. I’ll be in house 1.”

“Great fireball in the sky. She is a vision .” Toto’s voice held the reverence of a prayer. I turned back to see the lion staring at the enraged Smilodon at the top of the steps. He crept forward. Fangs the size of daggers glinted as she snarled at him.

“Toto, I don’t think she wants to talk,” Sol warned.

He slinked closer, never taking his eyes off her as he reached the staircase. “She…she can talk, snarl, or spill my blood on these steps. As long as she tells me her name.”

The Smilodon roared when his paw reached the first step. He froze.

“Toto, are you insane? Get away from her—she’ll kill you!” I moved to stop him.

Lok blocked my path and said, “Let him handle this.”

“If she were a cobra I’d beg for her poison every sunrise and sunfall.” His forward advance was met with a dangerous swipe from her claws. He backed to the bottom of the steps and sat down. “It’s too soon, you’re right. What would we tell the cubs if we rushed things? You luscious thing, our sons will be giants.”

She didn’t swipe at him again, but she did jump out the window.

Toto darted up the steps to watch her retreat to god knows where. “I’ll see you tomorrow? Or tonight? Just roar when you want some company. Or worship. Everlasting adoration.” He sighed, so struck with wistful pining that he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and kept going. “Oh, darling, why are we fighting this? I want to swim in your eyes and die defending your lands!”

We dodged out of his way when he ran out the door after her. “She’s going to eat him,” Sol said.

“Probably.”

“No faith in either of you.” Lok shook his head in admonishment.

“Well, as much as I love standing around dripping on claw-marked hardwood, I’m going to get dressed and snag one of the other beds.” I held a hand up to Lok when he opened his mouth. “No, not yours.”

The bedroom in the first house was on fire. Which was odd, as when I first explored the house some two hours prior, it was definitely not on fire. Stranger still, the roof of the second house collapsed just before I stepped inside. I glared at Lok, who held his hands up in surrender. “I swear, it’s not me.”

Sol motioned to the third house. “There’s still two beds left. Sleep in house 3 and Lok and I can share 4.”

“Oh, thanks, Sol, that’s real—” My words were interrupted by a loud rumbling, causing me to lose my balance and fall to the ground. Lok quickly grabbed me and pulled us away from house 3 just in time for two massive brontosaurs to come crashing through it.

The force of their collision was so strong that I could feel the ground shake beneath my feet. One of them swung its long neck at the other with such force that I worried it might have given itself a concussion. The second brontosaur stumbled and crashed into the neighboring house, sending shingles flying to the ground. But the larger one wasn’t finished yet; it let out a fierce cry before charging toward its rival and slamming into it once again, chasing it off into the darkness of the night.

Which left us with one house and one bed.

I turned to see the intern perched on the mailbox of the final house. The little blue bird innocently cleaned his feathers, refusing to look at me. “How did you even do this?” I asked him.

His feathers poofed like he was shocked at the accusation. “Me? I…I didn’t do anything.”

“I know it was you, okay? Today is not the day I get gaslit by a bird . The bedroom did not just spontaneously catch fire.”

He flicked a piece of fuzz off his talon before inspecting it. “Must be faulty wiring. I’ll send in a work order to the maintenance team when we get to the research center.”

“And the roof?”

His crest flattened against his head as he shifted on his feet. “…Water damage.”

“The rampaging dinosaurs?”

“Mating season!”

I clicked my tongue. “Intern, what’s your name?”

His eyes widened. “Why?”

“What do you mean ‘why’?” I shrugged nonchalantly. “I’m just asking your name.”

Tiny fingers tapped nervously on his leg. “You’ve never needed my name before this moment. What would cause you to need it now? I’m fine with you just referring to me as my title. Why are you coming closer? Stop advancing!”

I spread my arms wide and smiled. “Why do you look so stressed? I’m just asking for the name of the creature who is lying straight to my face.” The last few words came out in a rush as I lunged at him. My fingers brushed soft tail feathers before he darted out of the way.

“I’m not lying!” he shouted, then flapped for all he was worth when I jumped up to grab him. His tiny wings weren’t meant for hovering, but they damn sure tried in the face of my wrath. “These are all just highly unfortunate coincidences that have nothing to do with— Ah! Stop trying to grab me! That have nothing to do with my chances at promotion!”

“Aha! So that’s your game!”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Bullshit, we all heard you.”

“Oh zorblax!” he cursed. Intern ducked behind Lok, using the larger Sankado as a meat shield before trying to placate me with a friendly grin. “Look, Dory, I misspoke. Remain calm, everything is fine.”

I stomped my foot. “Everything is not fine! You purposely orchestrated these events to get us to sleep together, admit it!”

His cheeks puffed before he let out a shrill cry. “All right, fine! I admit it. I lured the Smilodon into your room, I compromised the structural integrity of that roof, and yes, I set the bedroom ablaze! Happy?”

“No! Why are you going so far just to get us to sleep in the same room? We’re already fucking. Your work is complete.”

It was his turn to stomp. “Physical attraction isn’t enough. You’re supposed to fall in love with each other so the pairings last! The guidebook clearly states that this trope sets the stage for tension, humor, and romantic developments. You’ve been with them all day and your affection meter has barely risen.

“There’s an affection meter?” Lok asked.

“Yes.” Intern reached into the feathers in his neck ruff and pulled out a little egg-shaped pendant. He removed the necklace to reveal the screen on the back. He pressed a button and the screen lit up with a jaunty little tune. Two pixelated characters danced next to a couple of bars.

I took it from him and inspected it more closely; Lok and Sol both peered over my shoulder as well. The background was a gradient of yellow and turquoise, with four star-shaped buttons lining the bottom. Both characters did the same little dancy dance, but the meters next to them were mostly empty. The green liquid on the slightly smaller character’s meter filled up only three of the ten notches, while the other had two. “Is this Tamagotchi supposed to mean anything?” I spat out.

“Of course. That shot I gave you also had a little chip that lets my affection meter keep track of your hormonal levels and biometric data. I expected this thing to be half-full by now. Sol’s is a little higher, but these numbers are terrible. Terrible! So stop being difficult—”

“DIFFICULT?”

“YES, DIFFICULT. Now, go sleep in the bed!”

“OH, I COULD JUST THROTTLE YOU.” Before I could make good on the threat, Sol hooked his arms under mine and began dragging me to the final house.

“There’s been enough destruction for one day, Dory. Let’s just go. Intern, stay out of the house tonight. We’ll see you in the morning.”

The Biwban glared back at me, feathers puffed up in a sorry excuse to make himself look bigger. I will pluck those feathers off one by one. “I will never forget this slight,” I seethed.

“Come on, darling,” Sol drawled.

“Do you hear me?”

“Good night, Intern,” Lok called.

“NEVER!”

* * *

I rummaged through the drawers of the bedroom, looking for any kind of garment that could pass for a bonnet. If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say the clothes and items inside the house were also AI generated based on what an AI thought would be in a human house. Shiny metallic catsuits took up an entire drawer, and another was filled with Renaissance-style clothing. There was a pair of men’s boxers made of silk that might’ve worked, but I just couldn’t bring myself to put them on my head. The curls must be protected, but at what cost? I sighed, throwing the boxers back in the drawer. “There will be no tension,” I said coldly.

Lok combed out his hair next to the full-length mirror in the corner. “Of course, my heart.”

“No humor or romantic developments either.” Another drawer revealed the bright, flowery aesthetic of 1970s disco. Still nothing I could really use as a bonnet, but disco clothing would be a lot less hot than the Renaissance clothes or the catsuits. My own T-shirt and cargo pants smelled like ass after days of running around, so there was no way I was putting them back on tomorrow. Instead, I laid out a gold backless halter top and a pair of bell-bottom pants. Not the best travel clothes, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Honestly, I gave the AI props for having clothes in my size. It may not have known what time period I was from, but I guess it also had no idea what the American standard of beauty was either. The clothing size ranged from toddler to sumo wrestler. And by that I mean I literally found a sumo wrestler outfit.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Sol murmured. His hair was wet from the shower, and the pants he wore hung low on his waist. I did my best not to stare.

Okay, fine. I stared.

A frustrated chirp came from outside the window. “But that just defeats the purpose—”

“Intern, I swear to god.”

“All right, fine.”

“What are you looking for, Dory?” Lok asked.

“My hair has been a nightmare with all this adventuring. I’m trying to find something I can use for a bonnet. You wouldn’t happen to have an extra sash made of yix wool, would you?” It was a pity and a crime I wasn’t given a moment’s notice before getting shipped off into an alien breeding program. They could’ve at least let me bring a carry-on bag. I had no hair supplies, no lotion, no laptop filled to the brim with movies, nothing.

I’m gonna punch that guy twice.

“I should have one in my pack over there; check the front pocket.” He pointed to a bag in the corner.

I made my way over and plucked a roll of yellow fabric from the front pocket and rolled it out. The material was unbelievably soft in my hands, and I breathed a sigh of relief. “Lok, I’m gonna be honest here. You scare me a bit, but, dammit, you’re growing on me.”

“Scared? What for?”

“Oh, I dunno, the general warlord business and the ‘you’re mine’ attitude. Lest we forget, your and Sol’s little ‘will they / won’t they kill each other’ dance.”

“Come on, that was funny.”

Sol stared at him. “For. Who?”

“Calm your fire, harvester. I was only kidding around.”

We’ll see about that.

Lok held a hand over the tip of his right horn and bowed slightly. “From now on, I’ll be on my best behavior. There. All better now, right?” When the room fell silent, he let out a huff. “What is it?”

“I mean, you’ve still seen battle,” I said.

“So?”

I rolled my eyes. “By show of hands, who in this room has killed someone?”

Lok and Sol both raised their hands.

“WHAT?”

Sol scratched the back of his head, looking not nearly contrite enough for the admission of murder. “Your morals have to be set aside in the apocalypse. Things are more stable now, but when we were first dropped on this planet, there was a lot of infighting.”

His words rocked me. Of course he’d told me about the destruction of his planet before, but for some reason it never truly hit home the horrors they must’ve faced on a dying world. It was a miracle Lok was as nonchalant as he was.

“And he’s a lawyer,” Lok said in a low, conspiratorial voice.

Sol’s posture straightened and his arms crossed over his chest. “And what does that have to do with anything?”

“I’d say it means you probably let evil men back on the streets every now and then. Who’s to say you haven’t released anyone far worse than me? At least the viscera I carved had a purpose.” He nodded at Sol and whispered to me, “He’s clearly a villain, this one. I say you just kick him out now.”

His rival snorted. “So much for art needing to be shared.”

“Things have changed,” Lok shot back.

“You’re just jealous that I’m higher up on the affection meter than you.”

“YES!”

“Calm down,” I said, getting into bed. “I’ve known you a day and Sol a fraction longer. Don’t expect any insta-love from me.”

Lok sighed dramatically and climbed into bed. His weight dipped the mattress until I rolled into his side. He settled me to rest my head on his arm. “Fine, Sol wins today. I’ll make up ground tomorrow.”

“Don’t get your hopes up,” Sol replied. He slid into the other side and rested his hands behind his head, a smug grin on his face. “I’m sensing this might be a recurring theme.”

“Pride comes before a fall.”

“Whatever you need to tell yourself.”

“That’s it.” I slapped my hands on my thighs and sat up. “Intern, toss me the Tamagotchi.” I caught it easily enough and pressed the center button. When its theme song started to play, I focused my attention on Sol’s meter.

“Wait, what are you doing?”

Through the sheer power of spite, I focused on every little annoyance I could think of.

Sol sucked in a breath when his meter began to drop. “Stop that!”

Lok’s roaring laughter shook the bed, and it took all my focus not to grin. When the meter dropped down to one bar, Sol snatched it from my hands and threw it across the room.

“There, it’s over,” I said, settling in. “Now, both of you, shut up. I’m going to sleep.”