Page 1 of I Got Abducted by Aliens and Now I’m Trapped in a Rom-Com (Cosmic Chaos #1)

“Thicken Nugget, you evil bitch, stop murdering half the desert,” I muttered from behind my camera. As expected, Thicken Nugget ignored my request.

Instead, the fierce meerkat matriarch of the Venus tribe charged into enemy territory. The Venus tribe was thirty meerkats strong, and judging by her protruding belly, Nugget planned on growing those numbers soon. Which might explain why she’d been on such a murderous rampage.

For the past few days, Nugget had been on a warpath clearing out the neighborhood. This time, her sights were set on her grown daughter. Tulip, aka Train Wreck, had recently come into power in the Pluto tribe after murdering their last matriarch. Like mother, like daughter, I suppose.

Success was still not without its pitfalls. Nugget was a supremely successful dominant female and had been leading this group for the past six years. Nearly unheard of in the meerkat world. She was so successful that I and the rest of the research team were growing concerned that we might need to take her out, as she was narrowing down the gene pool. But hey, that’s how you know she’s made it. Girl’s got an entire research team plotting her assassination.

I shifted from my spot in the brush and crept closer, readying my camera to record the incoming carnage. This kind of development would give my research team the season finale we needed to get funded for another season. More importantly, I’d be the one to capture it. Not that blowhard John. “Oh, I can’t wait to see the look on his 1970s pornstache-lookin’-ass face when he sees this.”

Rhythmic chanting about an evil overlord hit my ear, and I fumbled around my camera to answer my phone, lest the noise interrupt the oncoming battle. “Mom,” I whispered, “What did I tell you about calling me while I’m in the field?”

“Don’t use that tone with me. I’m still your mother,” she chided. The sound of plates clattering and muffled conversations rose from the other end of the phone. “Anyway, I’m having lunch with Cassandra. You remember Cassandra from church.”

“Mom, I’m kinda—”

“A lady never interrupts, Dorothy. Where was I? Right, Cassandra was just telling me that her son finally graduated from Harvard!” she gushed.

My stomach twisted. I was already well aware of where this was going. Having a daughter more interested in animals and bugs than in etiquette classes and social status has always been a sore spot for her. My older sisters were more than happy to brave the cruel and unforgiving world of pageant society, but apparently two out of three perfect mini–Amelia Valentines weren’t enough.

I’d bet my next paycheck that the sight of my solar-powered, heavy-duty phone case would have her fainting faster than her pastor after his wife and girlfriend both showed up to Sunday sermon. Which, to this day, is the most fun I’ve ever had in church. However, unlike Pastor Dan, she’d jump right back up only to lament how my unsightly cargo pants were made by the devil himself. If so, dear devil, I thank you for these marvelously deep pockets.

“Top of his class, mind you!” Cassandra piped up.

“Yes! Top of his class. You know I always said that boy was smart.”

False, you always said he thought he was more important than the turkey at Thanksgiving.

“You know, he’s coming back home to visit his mama next week. Why don’t you fly in too? I know you’re a career lady , and there’s nothing wrong with that,” she said, in a tone that implied that there was obviously something very wrong with that. “But I’m sure he’d love to see you.”

And you’d love to play matchmaker so you can brag about your daughter snagging a Harvard grad. “Oh, of course. How does he feel about meerkat slaughter? If he’s pro, I’m about to have a great story to tell him.”

An aggravated sigh. “Dorothy Ann Valentine, don’t be crass.”

“Mom, I can’t just fly home at the last minute. I’m needed here.”

Also, flight prices are insane this time of year.

“I won’t hear it, missy. You are coming home to visit and you’ll wear something nice. No, your hiking boots do not count as nice,” she said in warning.

“I sprang for the red Timberlands; you said those were stylish,” I shot back.

“And I’m sure all of your animal-nerd friends were very impressed.”

“Wow.”

“Listen, your father and I paid for you to go to that fancy animal school in full, and you still didn’t come back with a man on your arm. Who’s going to take care of you when you’re done with your little research project?”

“Aside from the literal PhD I’m about to get?”

An even deeper sigh. “Dory, at some point you’ll need to settle—”

“Oh shoot, Mom, you’re breaking up!” I said, mimicking the sound of static. “This damn desert has the worst signal. Well, just in case, I love you.”

“Dory, you don’t fool me! Don’t you dare hang up—”

My thumb slipped of its own accord and ended the call. Terrible accident, really; could have been anyone. Funny how life works.

Anyway, I tucked my phone away and readied my camera. For some reason a death match between a mother and daughter felt even more interesting than it had been a few minutes ago.

The relentless Kalahari sun had my shirt stuck to my back. Sand packed itself into literally everyplace you didn’t want sand to go. But such is life. No one said your dream job would be no guts, all glory. Careful so as not to interrupt the battle, I plucked a twig out of my way and settled in.

Nugget raised her tail high and began her war dance, an adorable little hopping fiasco to anyone unaware of the bloodlust meerkats were known for. But after studying these little guys for the past year, I knew this would end in one of two ways. Tulip could either surrender and flee or gather her forces for battle.

I turned the camera to Tulip, waiting for her decision. She scanned the war band before her. Her mate, Celestial Beast, came to her side. His reassurance seemed to help her decide. Tulip broke into a dance of her own, riling up the Pluto clan into a rage before charging at her mother.

Oh shit, she’s really going for it. It was a ballsy move to be sure. Her clan may have rivaled her mother’s in terms of numbers, but Nugget was a vicious fighter.

I shifted the camera back to Nugget, just in time to see her stumble back, no doubt just as surprised as I was at her daughter’s defiance. Against a clan as numerous as hers, most other meerkats avoided confrontation, a strategy she was no doubt counting on.

The old gal recovered quickly. With a war cry, Nugget launched herself at Tulip. Dust kicked up around them as the two clans clashed. A flurry of tiny paws and fangs tumbled. Neither side was willing to yield.

I heard a piercing shriek and shifted just in time to capture Celestial Beast bite down on the back of Satan, Nugget’s eldest son. Tulip joined him in the assault, no doubt looking to remove her mother’s greatest fighter.

A sudden knowing fear sliced through me like ice, sinking into every bone until I shivered from the cold. The world grew still. Sounds rumbled to a low pitch…

Death was to my left.

Time snapped together at once. I rolled to my side, peering through the camera to see a lion heading straight for me.