Page 18 of I Got Abducted by Aliens and Now I’m Trapped in a Rom-Com (Cosmic Chaos #1)

The weather on this planet was a violent, fickle thing. During my march to the dunking, the sun shone bright on the horrors basking in its rays. Almost as if it was delighted. Hungry for its Sankado sacrifice. Robbed of its meal, the sun hid away behind festering storm clouds and lashed out with claws of lightning and the hiss of pelting rain.

Sol did his best to shield me from most of it. Despite my protesting that he was obviously more banged-up than I was, his yix wool coat was thrown over my head, its water-resistant material keeping the worst of the freezing rain’s bite from my skin. With a snap of the reins he urged Beast faster, hell-bent on putting as much distance between us and the king as he could. The normally ornery duckbill snorted but did as he was told. His heavy hooves sank deep into the mud, leaving an obvious trail for any pursuers to follow, but in the mix of the giant migratory herd that surrounded the fortress, it was unlikely anyone would be able to distinguish one set from another.

Behind us, I heard Toto groan and looked back to see that the poor lion was hanging on for dear life. His claws tried to dig into the beast’s hide, but the dinosaur’s tough, scaly skin proved too tough for Toto to get a good grip. The arms around my waist sagged, and I had only a fraction of a second to grab hold of my alien before his weight slumped and pitched to the side. I pulled the reins from his loose fingers and pinned his arm to my stomach with my free hand. “I can’t hold him up forever. Tell me you’ve found a place to rest.”

Intern toyed with his screen. “My scanner picked up a human enrichment building not far from here.” With a ding, the screen shifted into a floating yellow arrow. It spun in circles before pointing toward our right. I steered Beast to follow it.

When we finally reached the location indicated by Intern’s scanner, a storm-ridden pink grove unfolded before us. The relentless tempest had already plunged what I could only imagine was a normally picturesque scene into disarray, with swirling petals and bending branches creating a chaotic dance amid the ongoing downpour.

We quickly sought refuge in the looming Renaissance-style chapel that stood as a silent sentinel amid the storm. I guided Sol’s head to rest on Beast’s back before sliding off the dinosaur to force open the heavy double doors. It was only by sheer force of luck that whichever Biwban designed this thing was so extra that they thought a whole-ass Sistine-style chapel was a human enrichment toy. But the doors were big enough for a duckbill, so I wasn’t going to complain. I ushered Beast inside and Toto immediately jumped off the dinosaur, violently shaking the rain out of his precious mane.

Inside, the atmosphere was as tense as the violent storm that echoed in the stone walls. Rain battered against stained glass windows, and the fractured patterns of pink and gray they cast were the only light we had—and that wasn’t saying much.

The duckbill knelt down, making it easier for me to slide Sol gently out of the saddle. Dizziness struck me out of nowhere and I slipped on the wet floor; he came crashing down on top of me, knocking the wind out of my lungs. My vision blurred as I stared up at the ceiling. I forced my eyes shut and shook my head, trying to force it away. When my head stopped spinning, I slid out from underneath him. When I tried to stand, my heart thudded in my chest and my body pitched to the side, and I found myself on my back staring at a spinning ceiling once again.

Shit. Nausea was not a good sign. Heart palpitations were not exactly ideal either. Nor did they give me any real hint about what kind of poison I was dealing with.

All right, think. King Osid said I’d be lucky if I got three days before whatever this shit was would kill me. It had been a few hours since exposure, and I was only beginning to see initial symptoms. That should rule out cyanide or any other fast-acting poison. Unless I was about to drop in the next few minutes. No, can’t think like that.

If it was a slow-acting poison, something like oleander, then the Biwban research center could probably sort out an antidote for it after we grabbed Lok. I pulled out my phone and jotted down my condition, as well as a description of the fruit. I’d need to keep a running log of the effects to maximize my chances.

Sol’s lashes fluttered and he regarded me through bleary eyes. “Did we make it out?”

“Barely.” I sighed, stuffing my phone back in my pocket. The ground thudded and I looked up to see that Beast had taken a page from our book and plopped down.

“Why are we on the ground?”

“You’re heavy.”

“Noted.”

“You’re not gonna die, are you?”

A smile tugged at his lips. “The compassion in your voice is truly heartwarming. You know I’ve always longed for a mate that would question my continued existence with the same nonchalance of someone asking to pass the garlic bread.”

I sucked in a breath. “There’s garlic bread on this planet?”

“Do you even realize how much wonder is in your eyes right now? This is the happiest I think I’ve ever seen you, and it’s directed at neither me nor Lok.” He took my chin in his hand and tilted it up to face him. His voice was low and purposefully seductive. “Yes, my star, we have garlic bread on this planet.”

“I see they didn’t beat out that sassy attitude.” I laughed.

“Just a tooth.”

“Oh no, really?”

He hooked his finger on his lips and pulled back, revealing the missing molar on the upper right side.

“Oh, you poor thing.” I reached out and brushed his hair out of his face, taking gentle care not to brush against the dark bruise forming above his eye.

He pulled me to him and his kiss sang through my veins. “See now, this is better. This I can get used to.”

I could too.

The thought was involuntary. As was the way his name hummed in my chest. Damn. Is this what love is? It feels good.

The Tamagotchi went off like a church bell around the Intern’s neck, blaring the tune of my embarrassment to echo through the halls of the cathedral. Intern pulled it out, his face brightening when he saw the screen. “Seven notches! Oh, this is a wonderful development. You know, the manual did have an entire chapter based on near-death experiences. I’d hoped we’d get to at least a four after today, but this?” He jumped up with a loud chirp, then paused when he noticed neither of us was celebrating with him. “You two need time alone. I’ll just…” He paused and looked around. “Be over in that general direction,” he said, flying off.

Even with the distance, I could hear the Tamagotchi’s jolly little tune peal out between the rumbles of thunder. “I’m gonna break that thing.”

Sol seemed rather pleased with himself. “Look at you. Besotted.”

I smacked his shoulder, trying to stifle the laugh building in my throat.

He merely grinned with smug delight. “Oh, don’t feign an icy demeanor now. You’re obsessed with me.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“You love me.”

“You’re all right.”

“Sing as many lies as you like, Stardust,” he said, pulling me to rest on his chest. He tugged his coat over us and threaded his hand in mine. “You forget, before the end of the world, I was a liar’s worst nightmare in the House of Justice, and you, my adorably smitten little alien, read like an open book.”

There was something warm and enchanting in his humor. It provided a sense of safety I wasn’t used to feeling. Even with everything that had happened. Hell, poison coursed through my veins, and by no account were we actually safe at all, but…I felt at peace, just lying there with him.

It was not unlike how I felt around Lok. I somehow felt more at ease lying on a cold cathedral floor here with Sol than I ever did on Earth. I wondered what it would be like if we got the chance to explore this further. Somehow beat the odds, defeat the mad king, get the antidote, and punch that bird in the face. I could still study animals on this planet—a much wider variety than I’d planned to study on Earth. I’d have none of the funding or tools, but on the bright side, no student loans. Take that, Sallie Mae.

Even more than that, I’d get to stay with them.

“Maybe there’s something to that Biwban algorithm after all,” I said.

“I admit I had my doubts at first.”

“And now?”

“You have to ask?” He laughed. “I sang Lok’s might and praises to anyone with an arrow tattooed on their neck until I felt I’d retch from embarrassment just to incite a riot, then fought my way through an entire fortress to get to you.”

“I’d still like to hear you say it.”

“You first.”

“Churlish.”

“Fine.” He sighed. “I love the way you yell at plants.”

I snorted. “You jerk.”

“I’m serious,” he said, and his thumb traced the vein in my wrist in a way that made the room grow quiet. “Watching you comb through every leaf, cataloging their growth and how it’s going to affect each creature from crawling bug to flying giant, makes me view the world with a sense of importance I’ve never had before. Before you, a vine was just a vine. Now I fret over their plans for world domination. You make the mundane precious.”

I’m gonna fucking cry.

There was a flutter in my chest, which I hoped to god was love and not cyanide. I fought the urge to squeeze him to me, mindful of his bruises. Instead, I buried my face in his chest. “Do you think we’ll make it through this?”

He didn’t answer at first, and when he did, he spoke in an odd, gentle tone. “Why not? After all the nonsense we’ve had to go through, I’d say we’ve earned some good fortune. We’ll find Lok and warn him about his armor, tell him King Osid poisoned his precious Stardust, and he’ll rip the king’s throat out and get you that antidote. Easy.”

“Just like that?”

“Of course. I won’t accept anything else.” He said the words with such certainty it made me giggle.

“For some reason, I believe you.”

I heard the fluttering of wings before Intern landed on my knee. “What’s this about an antidote?”

“Oh right, you weren’t there. The king poisoned me during dinner in an attempt to get Lok to fight him. He said it would take about three days to kill me. Which, now that I’m saying it out loud, I’m kinda starting to panic a little,” I said, voice wavering. Sol gave my hand a comforting squeeze.

“Well, stop that,” Intern said. “You’re not poisoned.”

“I…Yes, I am. I got cut with wispfruit.”

“I don’t know what wispfruit is, but I know there’s no need for an antidote. Nothing on this planet is poisonous to humans.”

“You know, I’d love to believe that, but based on your track record, I’m going to go out on a limb and say this, too, fell through the cracks.”

“You aren’t poisoned,” he repeated, more sharply this time. “You can’t be poisoned; you’re far too expensive to be replaced. You cost more than this continent; there’s no possibility of you being in any danger.”

I sat up and laced my fingers together. “Intern, have we not been on the same journey? We just escaped the fortress holding us hostage.”

His tone had become chilly. “You are too expensive to lose. Every plant and creature we introduced from your world was scanned by our finest detection system. It’s completely infallible. If you are poisoned, someone is getting executed.”

“That’s…dark and yet strangely comforting.” I was more on board with that news than I should have been. You know what? Scratch that, I’m worth it. Kill that fool.

“Did you check the plants from our planet?” Sol asked.

The intern halted, stunned.

I showed him my cut, now burning with dermatitis.

All hell broke loose.

Intern’s talons latched onto my wrist, his wings flapping wildly as he tried to drag me toward the exit, all the while screaming at Beast to get up. I shook him off my wrist and backed away, but the Biwban flew behind me and shoved at my back. “Stop fighting me and get on the Parasaurolophus —we don’t have much time!”

I stumbled forward, then sidestepped out of his way when he tried to push at my calf. “Will you calm down? We’re not getting anywhere in that damn storm.”

“What part of ‘too expensive to replace’ are you not understanding? Get on the dinosaur. If we ride through the night, we’ll get to the research center by morning. We need to get you in the healing pod before the poison runs its course!”

“We can’t leave,” I snapped. “Lok’s as good as dead as soon as he dons his armor. If King Osid is right, then I’ve got days. Lok doesn’t. We have to find him.”

The intern squealed indignantly. “Seeing as you still have one fully functioning mate, no, we don’t! Get on the Parasaurolophus !”

“What is it with this fucking planet and leaving people to die? We’re not doing that. Stop suggesting it! Besides, we’re already in the Fuchsia Grove, I doubt it will take us long to find him. We’ll look for Lok first thing in the morning, then head to the research center right after. King Osid can follow us if he wants a fight that bad.”

“There’s no time!” Intern screeched. “Without exact knowledge of how your body is going to react to the poison, we can’t take any chances.”

Sol struggled to his hooves and collected the screeching bird in his arms. “That’s enough of that. Calm down, Intern.”

“Calm down?” the bird hissed. “I’m trying to save her life! What are you doing with that rope?” Sol looped a red rope around the Intern. “No, no!” he cried, trying to thrash his way to freedom.

“Find a light, would you? I’ll set him in the next room to collect himself.” When he turned to leave, the intern kicked at him like a petulant toddler, but Sol merely held him away from his body and kept on.

“It’s just one thing after another.” I put a hand on my hip and looked around the room. “Toto, help me find a light switch, would ya?”

He blinked at me quizzically. “What’s a light switch?”

“Right.” I sighed. “Sometimes I forget you’re a lion. Okay, I’ll find the switch and you…just keep doing what you’re doing.” Running my hands over all the usual spots by the door yielded no results. Nor was there any lever visible. Hmm. If I was designing a playhouse for an animal, I’d put in a rope lever or an obvious pad they could step on. Which I didn’t see.

Unless…

I clapped my hands, and sure enough the lights turned on. “Are you fucking kidding me? You didn’t trust us not to break the button?”

An exasperated male voice drifted from down the hall. “Can you blame us?”

I meant to fire back about him being a cheapskate, but my retort died when I looked at the room. Really looked at the room. I expected the beautiful Renaissance-style paintings. Priceless stained glass windows were also par for the course in an elaborate celebration of reckless ecclesiastical hypocrisy. The subject matter was what threw me for a loop.

“Intern,” I called.

“What?” he snapped. Clearly in no mood at all.

“Why do you think we worship Steamboat Willie?”

The paintings were endless, all of them of old cartoons, King Kong, Dracula, and Sherlock Holmes for some godforsaken reason, all locked in battle with Steamboat Willie.

In the center of the room, erected in his honor, was a statue of the glorious mouse himself, sailing his little steamboat over the bodies of his enemies.

“What’s worship?” Intern asked.

“What?” I made my way into the next room and found the pew where Sol had stashed him. “What do you mean, what’s worship? If this place isn’t in service of what you think our god is, then what is it?”

He swiveled his head around and huffed out a response. “It’s listed as a communal entertainment building. You can…mingle, and stuff.”

“I desperately want to be mad at you,” I said, gazing up at a portrait of Steamboat Willie choking the life out of Frankenstein’s monster. “But this is really fucking funny.”

Fits of anger died out from the little bird at my laughter, not enough to quell it completely. He worked up enough nerve to cease his bitch-pouting and asked, “Did we get it right?”

“You know what? Better. You’ve exceeded all expectations. I’m incredibly entertained. Follow-up question: why is it all vintage pop culture?”

“I can check the notes if you untie me.”

Behind him, Sol lay spread out on the pew, his coat bunched up behind his head for comfort. “I just pulled him off you. If you free him, you’re on your own.”

“Such a protector.”

“And don’t you forget it.”

I shook my head and turned my attention back to the Biwban, now gazing up at me with innocent wide-eyed adoration. Unfortunate for him that I’d just spent two years handling gaggles of adorable meerkats. All with their own special brand of doe-eyed deception. All of them biters. “How about you just tell me, and I’ll decide if I want to risk you scratching up my arm after?”

“Ugh, have it your way.” He wiggled his arm until a few primary feathers poked out from the rope. “Press down on the one in the middle.”

I did as instructed. This time, instead of using his hands, Intern appeared to be controlling the screen by thought alone. He clicked his beak and a third model of the chapel came on-screen. “Give me a moment to read through these atrocious notes. Novu, you singed-feathered half-wit, why would you arrange this as alphabetical and not categorical? How is anyone else meant to— Oh! Here it is.” He pulled up a page all marked with red. The silhouette of a mouse’s head popped up on-screen before it beeped angrily, and a crossed-out circle stamped itself over the mouse. “Ahh. That will do it.”

“Do what? What does that mean?” I asked.

His tone was solemn and final. “Copyright infringement.”

“I can’t with y’all,” I yelled, half laughing, half crying. “You’ve got no problem snatching up innocent women, but you’re scared of copyright infringement?”

“Intellectual property theft is no laughing matter, Dory. Biwbanian law clearly states that if we are found in violation, the courts could put an injunction on our entire conservation project and shut us down. Not to mention the potential seizure and destruction of all of our research.”

“He’s right, corporations don’t mess around with that,” Sol added.

I rested a fist on my hip and regarded the former lawyer with clear disbelief. “You can’t honestly tell me that copyright infringement is taken more seriously than human trafficking.”

His brow quirked. “How dark do you want to get?”

“Never mind, I’ll shut up.”

“Smart.” He reached out his arms in invitation, and for once, my ever-harried brain decided to stop and smell the tonka beans. I melted into him with a contented sigh, resting my head against his chest. Snuggling in a church pew wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world, a downright blasphemous scandal if my grandma were alive to see it. But fuck me, the soothing cadence of his heart would always be worth the scarlet letter.

I loved him.

The realization came without fuss or fanfare. It was pouring outside, my back hurt, and I loved him.

I loved them .

The Tamagotchi beeped, and its song started up anew. Sol chuckled beneath me; calloused fingers brushed a curl from my cheek. “Twice in one day? Honestly, Dory, I’m hardly even trying.”

My body tensed at the sound of a faint hiss. Some deep primal instinct inside me screamed to run.

“What, no witty comeback—?”

“Hush.” I clapped my hands, casting the room in darkness. The stained glass windows were too opaque to see through; instead, I watched the fragmented scatters of light they cast on the floor.

The only sounds were the rain outside and the Tamagotchi’s infernal song, yet the hair on the back of my neck rose.

Sol looked around the room before giving me a cocky grin. “Surely you’re not still embarrassed? I’m only teas—” I put a hand to his mouth.

There it was again, a low, rumbling hiss. Slowly, I sat up and scanned the reflected light along the ground. Rows of color danced against the rain, before stopping completely at the edge of the room. I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked up, hoping against all hope that the room simply ran out of windows. It did not. There was, however, a dark shadow looming on the other side.

My thoughts flitted to Lok. All alone somewhere outside with that shadow. Possibly poisoned, possibly worse. A fist closed around my chest.

The Tamagotchi beeped.

The shadow moved in an instant, darting in front of the windows nearest to us. Lightning flashed, revealing the stark outline of the last fucking thing I needed right now.

Sol’s arm tightened around the small of my back. “The Gruulorak.”

Her head snapped up, nose scanning the air, searching for something. When the Tamagotchi’s song reached its crescendo, she let out a chattering clack from her maw, the way I’d seen Catzilla react when he caught sight of a bird just out of reach. She shifted her weight to one side and clawed at the window with her foot. A horrible screech filled the air.

I snatched the Tamagotchi from the Intern and sat on it, muffling its noise as much as I could. The Gruulorak’s movements grew less frantic. The three of us stayed as still as statues.

A voice pierced through the silence. “Dory!”

Startled, I jumped, and my scream echoed through the room before being cut off when Sol snatched me up and held a hand to my mouth. Without the muffled cushion of my booty, the Tamagotchi’s tune rang loud and clear, ending on a cheery note that echoed through the chapel.

Toto’s eyes glowed in the darkness as he looked both of us over. “What are you do—”

“Shh!”

“Why?”

I reached out and closed his mouth, then drew him closer to Sol and me and whispered in his ear. “Be quiet, that crazy T. rex is outside.”

The lion dislodged my hand with a shake of his head and peered over our heads to see the Gruulorak’s silhouette.

An ear-piercing screech filled the room when the T. rex scratched at the window again. Heart pounding, I shut my eyes and hoped against all hope that she’d get bored and leave.

“Hey, Dory?” Toto whispered.

“What?” I snapped back.

“Can my queen stay here with us tonight? She doesn’t like the rain.”

“Queen?” Sol asked. Shock siphoned the blood from his face when he turned to see a Smilodon sitting in the pew behind us.

Toto slipped from my arms to join her. He was only able to get a good five feet from her before she gave a warning hiss. He stopped his advance and jumped up on the pew to sit as close as she would allow. “She won’t eat you, she promised. Right, my darling?”

The Smilodon gave what sounded like a noncommittal grunt and lay down. Not the best vote of confidence. But there was a fucking T. rex outside, so I couldn’t really muster up the effort to care. “Fine, whatever, just keep quiet.”

With the big cats finally appeased, the Church of Cheese fell into a deathly quiet. I watched the Gruulorak pace around the chapel looking for any way inside. Sol held me close until my eyes grew heavy and I fell asleep.