Page 23 of Hunger in His Blood (Brides of the Kylorr #3)

CHAPTER 23

ERINA

I pulled my shawl around my shoulders tighter as I looked out over the quiet night of eastern Vyaan. It was in the early hours of morning, and only recently had I heard the last of the guests departing from the keep.

Sleep wouldn’t come, so I’d long stopped trying. The only thing that made me feel better was the icy night air on my hot cheeks. My eyes stung from all the tears, but I didn’t have any left in me.

I just felt drained. But strangely at peace.

I knew what I had to do. It was the only thing I could do.

And so I left the balcony, feeling oddly calm, though my movements were stiff. I felt like I was out of my body when I left my rooms and trekked to the West Wing. I hadn’t heard Kaldur return to his quarters. I thought it likely he might’ve still been in his study.

Maybe even with Lydrasa, I couldn’t help but think, feeling a twinge in my chest.

I saw a curl of light beneath the door. I stared at the spot I’d been just mere hours before. The spot where I realized I’d had it all wrong when it came to Kaldur of House Kaalium .

Now I only needed to hear it from his own mouth.

I didn’t bother knocking. I pushed open the door and stepped inside.

Kaldur’s gaze snapped up to mine. He was seated at his desk, his features both illuminated and shadowed by a blue projection of architecture plans from a Halo orb.

He frowned when he saw me but gestured forward.

“Is something wrong?” he asked, his eyes flicking back down to a glowing tablet of notes before him. “I need to finish this tonight?—”

“I heard what you said.”

Kaldur paused and looked up at me slowly. His frown deepened. “What are you talking about?”

I almost laughed. He didn’t even remember? Did he talk that way about me often, then?

“With Lydrasa,” I added, keeping my tone even, keeping my eyes pinned to his so he couldn’t look away. “Right here, earlier tonight.”

Realization went through him.

“You were listening?” he asked, his gaze pinned on mine. I had his full attention now . “Did you follow us?”

“No,” I said simply. “I left the gathering, and on my way up, I heard your voices. You didn’t close the door. I heard everything you said.”

Kaldur stood. He was still wearing his clothing from earlier, as if he hadn’t bothered to change. Whereas I’d slipped out of the dress immediately, as if it were a shackle around me and not Salairian silk.

“And what exactly did you hear?” he asked, stalking around the desk to approach me.

For a moment, I thought that maybe I should fear him. He was so much bigger and stronger than me.

“What you really think about me,” I told him, meeting his eyes. I was proud when my voice didn’t tremble, when my voice was strong. He already thought I was a weakness. I didn’t want to give him any extra ammunition. “That I’m easily disposable to you. That you’ll always see me as a keeper and nothing more. That you find the idea of loving me laughable. That you never intended this to be anything more.”

“Which I told you,” he said. “How many times have I told you not to look too closely at what this is? If you do, you might not like what you find.”

How cold he was! I didn’t understand him. I didn’t understand how someone could be so callous.

“And then to go laugh at me behind my back with your former mistress, telling her private things about moments that have nothing to do with her!”

That made him close his eyes, a deep breath falling from his lips. I would’ve thought it was regret if I didn’t know any better. Before last night, I would’ve thought just that.

“You made a fool out of me,” I breathed. “And I’m here now because I want you to say this to me directly. I want to know how you feel about me. Or if I’m just wasting my life, hoping one day you might care for me. That one day you might love me. Hoping one day we might be something more.”

My voice ended on a tone of a plea…and I hated that. But I couldn’t help it. For two years, I’d admired him from afar. I’d entertained fantasies of him, which made me feel less alone. Because when someone like me was suddenly in the magnetic and overwhelming presence of a male like him, she savored every scrap she could—thinking they were delicacies, only to find they were rotten.

“What are you asking me?” Kaldur growled. “Ask me directly. I’ll tell you what you need to know.”

“Did you say those things?” I started. The most basic of questions.

“Of course I did,” he replied, looming over me, a glare on his features. He didn’t bother to deny it. “You heard me yourself. ”

“And is that what you really think of me? That I’m young and naive? That I could never be right for someone like you? That you think me beneath you, a mere keeper trying to better her station in life by slipping into your bed?”

He smirked, and it hit me like a punch in the gut. “Isn’t that exactly what you’re trying to do, Erina Denoren?”

I nearly gasped at how hard that question hit me.

“I do think you’re young and naive,” Kaldur said. “But I also think you’re more calculating than you appear. You fooled even me…for a little while. But I see now what you’re trying to accomplish. Do you think you’re the first female to try to use me for my House, for my title? Every female in my acquaintance has tried. You are certainly not the first, and you will certainly not be the last.”

“I haven’t,” I argued, narrowing my eyes on him. “You’re just so—so jaded that you can’t see that. That you suspect me for doing something that I haven’t done!”

Kaldur laughed, bitter and dark. “You said you wanted something more with me. That would imply a lasting position within this House. And I’ll tell you right now, Erina, I’d be more than happy to make you my mistress, if that’s your ambition. But that’s the highest you will ever ascend yourself in my keep.”

My breath felt squeezed from my lungs.

“I’m surprised you would make me your mistress, considering that the sex was just fine ,” I replied hollowly.

That made his lips press together. A muscle in his jaw jumped as his nostrils flared. Did he look guilty, or was that just my imagination? I couldn’t trust my perception of reality anymore because I’d been so, so wrong about Kaldur. I’d thought he’d cared about me. Every lingering look, every whispered exhalation against my skin, every meaningful touch or genuine laugh.

It had all been a lie I’d told myself.

“Can I ask you something?” I started. “Did you care when you left me in your room that night? Did you even think to check on me afterward?”

“Check on you after what ? Sex?” he asked. “This is what I’m talking about, Erina. You expect far too much of me.”

“It’s basic decency,” I argued quietly, shocked at the reply. I bit my lip. “I’d never…I’d never been with a male before. That had been my first time.”

His eyes widened. His lips parted with a scoff. “Do you really expect me to believe that? Gods! How manipulative you are!”

He didn’t believe me.

I hadn’t expected that, and it made me feel like my insides were being scraped raw. The ache was excruciating.

“Manipulative,” I breathed. “You made me feel so discarded, Kaldur. Like what happened didn’t mean anything. I’m telling you the truth, whether you want to believe it or not.”

“You got what you wanted that night,” he said, dismissing my words. His expression was unreadable, but for some reason, it struck me as stung . “ You made that choice. You came back into the room. So don’t give me that. You got what you came for, didn’t you? We both did.”

He meant his feeding.

“And that’s all I am to you,” I said, realization crashing down on me. “ Blood. A means to an end. That’s so…”

I took a deep breath, turning from him briefly to re-center my thoughts.

“That’s so tragic,” I finally decided softly. “That you have everything in the world you could possibly want…and you only see people as more things to possess. You used me. For one thing only. I thought…I thought you were different.”

“And what about you?” Kaldur replied, stepping toward me until I had to tilt my head back to look up at him again. He took my chin in his grasp. “You haven’t even washed it off. I can still smell it. Your precious gift from Luc Denoren in Laras.”

The name made me gasp. “How do you?— ”

He’d looked into him.

“I know all about your plan,” Kaldur said, his eyes hardening like metal, his tone mocking. “Velle told me.”

“Velle?” I breathed, shaking my head. I didn’t understand. “What are you talking about?”

“She told me about how you wanted to secure credits so you could finally be reunited with him, that everything you do is only to get back to him. I know you write him letters, send him money. I know you’ve been in frequent contact. I know that all you want is to be with him, no matter the price. You think I used you ? What do you call what you’re doing?”

“That’s not…that’s not…” I started, my mind jumbled. I hadn’t expected him to say Luc’s name. It threw me, like two realities colliding that I always thought of as separate spheres. “You don’t understand. I love Luc—he’s always been there for me. Of course I want to see him! But it’s not the same thing.”

“Do you hear yourself?” Kaldur said, pinning me with a hard glare as he released my chin, as if in disgust. His fangs had elongated at the mere mention of Luc’s name, and for the first time, I felt a thrill of fear sizzle within my belly. He bellowed, “You just admitted it to me! And you can try to twist it however you want, but it is the same thing.”

I stumbled back, my heart racing. When I turned, I heard Kaldur hiss out a sharp breath, as if to calm himself.

Silence dropped between us. I stared at the wall of his study, textured in arching patterns that reminded me of depictions of wind.

I didn’t know what to feel anymore. It was all too much. Too overwhelming. And I was tired.

“I’ll never be enough for you,” I said quietly. “I’ll always be that person that the nobles whisper about at your parties. You won’t defend me against them. I’ll be alone. Just like tonight.”

My future was so clear if I stayed.

It hit me like a stone wall, one I’d been sprinting toward. And now, dazed and hurt in the aftermath, I saw what a hopeless and naive fool I’d been. To hope that someone like Kaldur could love someone like me.

He’d been right about that at the very least.

“Your greedy ambitions leave something to be desired,” Kaldur said, his voice cold. “I see what you’re trying to secure for yourself—and for Luc. And I want you to know that I know . Your own friend, Velle, told me everything. She warned me about you. But I’ll play along for now. I’ll give you the credits and the status you desire. But if you’ve set your sights on Kylaira …”

I sucked in a sharp breath. Lady of the keep.

“It will never happen,” Kaldur said quietly and simply. “I understand who you are now, Erina Denoren. If anything, this is a punishment for me too.”

For him? What was he talking about?

“So is that what you want? To be my mistress?” he asked, coming closer. His fingers brushed over my cheek, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. His voice was gentle, but there was only distrust in his eyes. “It would be an ascension from blood giver. Shall I have another contract drawn up? How much will you require? Will twenty vron a month be enough for you and your beloved Luc, or do you want more?”

I flinched back, away from his touch. I felt like curling up into myself like crushed, crumpled parchment.

“Keep your credits,” I said, my voice sounding as hollow as my chest. “I don’t want them.”

Kaldur smirked. But when I didn’t react further, that smile died. His eyes flickered back and forth between my own, as if trying to read me. “What?”

“I made all kinds of excuses for you in my head,” I whispered. “For why you treated me poorly. Because I understood. I know better than anyone what I am. I know the life I was dealt by fate. I’m not a noble. I’m an orphan who became a keeper. I never lied about that. But I constantly lied to myself about you because I didn’t want to see the truth.”

“And what truth is that?”

“You’re not anything like I’d hoped you’d be.”

Kaldur’s gaze went past me—to the textured wall of wind patterns, his eyes tracing them—as if he couldn’t stand to look at me anymore. “I did tell you I’d only disappoint you. And here is the reality of it. No one can live up to ideals in your head, little dallia . You’re foolish to believe anyone can.”

The sweet name sounded mocking now, reminding me of the afternoon we’d had in the garden, under the shade of a tree, as we’d talked of fables.

“I won’t make that mistake again,” I said, holding his eyes.

I’d heard what I’d needed to.

I’d been a dreamer for too long. And now I was crashing back down to reality. Why was I surprised when that impact scattered me into millions of fragmented pieces?

Just like the vase I’d admired, the one Lydrasa had broken, I could try to put myself back together, but I would always be cracked and marked. Marked by this. Marked by him .

I couldn’t stay. That much was clear.

Kaldur wouldn’t care if I left. He’d made that abundantly clear tonight. Velle had, apparently, been in his ear the entire time. I didn’t trust anyone. I felt utterly alone.

And there was only one person I wanted to see. One person who had always felt like home.

I thought this might be the last time that I saw Kaldur of House Kaalium.

“The first time I saw you,” I started, “it was out on the terrace by the gardens. My very first day when Maudoric was showing me the keep. The moment I saw you, it was like the world swirled and everything was more beautiful.”

His brows lowered. He frowned.

“ You were beautiful to me then,” I said. “But you were just a ridiculous dream. And now I know what you’re really like. That makes me feel better, at the very least. It gives me peace. Closure.”

I looked up at him. A face I’d drawn countless of times in pencil. Every sharp slice of shadows across his features, every tilting, curled smirk of his lips.

“Now I won’t always wonder what could have been.”

I turned from him, my heart both heavy and broken. I didn’t expect it to ache so much.

As I left his study, I didn’t look back once.