Page 67 of House of the Beast

“Rest while you can, Lady Alma,” said Lord Carnus. “We will give you a room where you can refresh yourself. And then”—he turned back to me, eyes seeming to stare right through my soul—“we will see if you truly are worthy of becoming First Hand of the Dread Beast.”

***

“WE’VE ALREADY CLEARED THE BUILDING OF TERRORS BEFOREHAND,” reassured the Heavensguard leading me toward a private reading room, in which I could quickly eat and nap a little before we set off. “You’ll be safe inside, Lady Avera.”

“Thank you,” I said as he bowed to me at the door.

After Lord Carnus had announced to his men our plan to go after my father, they had begun treating me with the same respect they afforded Kaim.

We were allies now, I supposed—something I had not expected to have upon this Pilgrimage.

It was strange to think that there would be people at my back.

Reassuring, in its own way, and yet—I could not help but worry for them now.

We would be going into danger. They barely knew me, and yet they afforded me their loyalty, and I did not want to fail them.

Things were easier back when the only person I could get hurt was myself.

The guard left, and I opened the door to step into the dark room.

It was a cozy size, with the same floral carpeted floors and bookshelves lining one wall.

The curtains were partly drawn back, letting in the starlight.

There was a comfortable leather sofa that I would be glad to rest upon. I turned to close the door.

Behind me, Aster’s voice said, “So they’ve accepted you as the next First Hand of the Dread Beast.”

It was ridiculous, how his voice alone settled my nerves.

Only, there was another feeling alongside the relief.

For the first time in my life, I did not know what to say to my oldest friend.

I had wanted nothing more than to see him again while he was gone, but now a part of me wished he hadn’t returned.

Tension pulled between us like a taut string, and any wrong word could snap it.

I see now. How it must be done . He’d said that before he left. I wanted to ask what those words meant, but was afraid to confront him. I couldn’t stand when he disappeared, but now, it was also difficult to have him with me.

The door clicked shut and I turned. My monster stood by the window, half-facing the street outside. The starlight limned him in silver, like a specter one might see in a dream. Leaving the lamp unlit on a desk nearby, I went to join him.

“It seems so,” I said, cautious.

I had chased after the title for so long, borrowing strength from that promise we had made each other, that it didn’t seem real. And now not only had my uncle passed it on to me, but it had been acknowledged by both Kaim and Carnus Metia, one of the highest members of the court.

Perhaps, if Aster acknowledged it too, it would help. But though he tried to smile, there was an unhappy twist to it. “You must be pleased.”

My heart fell. The feeling of wrongness between us grew. “What is it?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” he sighed, leaning his elbows on the windowsill.

I shifted, caught out. So he had sensed it after all—that I was afraid of him. “You know how I feel about bloodying my hands.”

“And you know it’s an unavoidable task—one that you were ready to accept for years. Yet you shy away from it and jeopardize our goal, your revenge, the whole reason we’re even here. For what? I know you want to do good, but you must accept that the result can only be achieved with sacrifice.”

“What sacrifice? Theirs? Or the one I must take upon myself every time?” I shot back, indignant enough to admit it.

“It’s not all about the people I kill—it’s about me.

It’s about how I feel, and what I don’t want to become.

We’re still getting what we want—maybe not the way we’d planned, but a member of the court has acknowledged me as the head of House Avera.

I thought you’d be happy. We’ve been chasing this dream for so long. ”

“That’s exactly it,” he said, running a hand through his bangs.

“I had imagined this all to happen quite differently. The two of us, slaying the fallen star and claiming victory in a blaze of glory. Together. Not having it handed to us by someone else, someone who thinks he’s so important everyone will simply listen to what he says. We were going to prove ourselves.”

I understood. I had wanted the same thing as well. How things had happened left me glad in a different way—but I could understand the pining for a dream we had nursed together for so long.

“It’s not over yet,” I tried. “We still need to stop my father’s plans—and we’ll do it together. No one will take that from us.”

But when he looked at me, his eyes blazed.

“Will you be up for that, though?” he said viciously. “Or will you cower from it again?”

It felt like someone had pulled out the floor from under me. Aster had never spoken to me like this before—so full of venom and accusation. I knew he had a good reason for it. He had felt it after all, the moment when I had wrenched myself away from our connection.

It still hurt.

For a moment I could not speak past the lump in my throat.

I felt pathetic for it—driven to near tears by a few words.

But I hadn’t cried since the death of my mother, and I was not going to start now.

I swallowed down my emotions and said, “I understand why you’re upset.

But you’re the one who promised me we wouldn’t kill those we didn’t have to.

You said I could help my cousin if I wanted.

And now I have allies, people who want to believe in me.

” My voice was growing louder, but I couldn’t help it.

“For the first time in my life . Did you ever think that it could be different? That sometimes, it doesn’t have to be us against the whole world? ”

The words were tumbling out of me unbidden.

I did not know where they had come from—only that as I spoke, I found myself meaning them.

For so long, Aster had been my only friend.

And I had done everything to please him—trained endlessly, fostered my hate, snuffed out those tiny lives of birds and rabbits around the Avera estate even when I hated it.

But the moment I wanted to do something for myself, to assuage the small part of me that still wanted my mother’s approval, it was met with his displeasure.

He had chosen me for being horrible—but did that mean I had to be horrible forever?

That I could not ever become someone better, that other people might like?

Aster’s eyes hardened. “It is us against the whole world,” he said. “After everything they’ve done to you, all the years of misery, you’re going to just join them? You’re going to leave me behind, just like that?”

“I’m not leaving you behind!” I almost screamed. “I want us to finish this together!”

“They won’t let you. Carnus Metia will not simply step aside and let you kill the Wanderer of Still Waters and take all that power for yourself when it’s right at his fingertips.

It was the Heavenseer whose men abandoned you in your hour of need when your mother was ill.

Their lord will do no different, and still, you trust him. ”

His words stung as if he’d slapped me. Of course, I couldn’t forget that it was a Seer-Priest who’d driven me past desperation to reach out to my father in the first place. But that was then, and this was now. Or was he right? Was I betraying my own grief by allying with Lord Carnus?

I didn’t know what to think anymore.

Aster sighed, then came in close. I wanted to grab him and hold on for comfort—I wanted to push him away.

His hands came up to cup my face, the pad of his thumb brushing sweetly over my cheek.

His brows were wrinkled with turmoil, but he was handsome, even now.

“I care for you, Alma. So much. I wish you’d see that I only want what’s best for us. ”

It hurt to breathe. “I know,” I managed.

“Then remember I’m always with you,” he said, his breath brushing against my cheek. “I always have been, and I always will be. Nothing will stand in our way.”

He leaned in slow, waiting to see if I would resist, until he was close enough to brush my cheeks with his lashes.

The tip of his nose bumped against mine.

Then he pressed his lovely mouth softly to my own.

My eyes slipped shut as he held me there, cradling me against him like I was something precious.

After a moment, he withdrew, only just enough to speak.

“When you need me, I will be there,” he said, his lips brushing against mine. “Whether you believe in me or not.”

When I opened my eyes again, he was gone.

“Aster?” I called into the empty room. “Aster!”

But he did not reply.