Page 49 of House of the Beast

When he put it like that, it sounded so easy.

They had spared my uncle the consequences of the men he had killed on his way to the banquet; of course, he was still unconscious and wouldn’t have been able to answer for his crimes anyway.

But his madness had been readily accepted by the court, as fair exchange for all his deeds in service of Kugara.

If I served Kugara as well by slaughtering the Wanderer of Still Waters and becoming the next First Hand, there was a chance they would spare me in turn.

“Sounds like I have no choice,” I said miserably. “To answer for my crimes, or to make it so anyone else is too afraid to question them.”

“Alma,” said Aster, gentle but firm. His other hand tucked a clump of wet hair behind my ear.

“We always knew that this path would be paved in blood, and we set out on it anyway. Remember why you’re here.

If you give up now, all those deaths would have been for nothing.

We can’t cower from it. We can’t stop until everything is finished. ”

He was right. I had already crossed several points of no return. I thought of my mother, reprimanding me for hurting that boy who had called her names. I had thought it justified at the time—and she had told me that it didn’t matter, as long as we were happy.

That peace she had described was beyond my reach now. I had already lowered myself. The guilt would not fade—not after all these terrible things I had done over the years. All I had was the end that Aster and I were working toward. Without it, there was nothing.

Tomorrow, I would go through that gate and finish the job I had set out to do.

“Just promise me one thing,” I said.

“Hm?”

I let out a slow breath. My arms, which had been crossed before my breasts in a subconscious attempt to cover myself, tightened further before relaxing.

I wanted to hide—but I knew I had to get this out in the open, had to address it before it spun beyond my control.

I could not erase the black marks of my past, but perhaps it was not too late to stop myself from adding more.

“We don’t kill anyone else that we don’t need to kill,” I said, forcing myself to meet Aster’s eye.

“We don’t hurt people without a reason.”

Aster sighed. “Alma.”

“I mean it,” I insisted fiercely. My heart hammered in my chest. Saying these words felt like flaying myself open, exposing my own weakness.

I feared that the sight of it would turn my god away.

Still, I gathered what remained of my courage and soldiered on, “I don’t like how I felt today—like I was glad to have their lives ended by my hand.

I know that it doesn’t matter to you, but it matters to me.

It felt like I was letting go of the last memory of my mother—and if I don’t even have that anymore, then I don’t know what I’m doing this all for. Please, Aster.”

Aster’s face was terrifyingly blank. I held his gaze, refusing to look away, even though a part of me screamed for it. I had crossed a line, demanding such things of my elder god. He was the harbinger of death and darkness. What care did he have for my feelings?

But I had already lost something today—it had been hollowed out inside me.

I could not get out of my mind the shining glee that had raced through me as my sword pierced through flesh.

The hot elation as blood spattered my skin.

It had never been like that before. The small animals around the estate, I had killed with only regret.

I had done it because I had to, not because I wanted to, and sometimes that felt like the only part of me that was still good.

Today had been different.

And now, right before the Pilgrimage was to begin, I was afraid.

I did not want to be afraid. Not of the one person I trusted. If I was afraid of him, then I would truly be alone again—and that was worse than anything else in the world.

So I refused to look away. I held his gaze, watched those starlight eyes watch me back, as if assessing me for something I could not guess at.

The gentle lap of water at the edge of the tub echoed in the silence between us, and my breath was loud in my ears.

But I would not give this up. I would not give him up.

Finally, Aster smiled. He leaned in close, resting his forehead against mine. “All right,” he said gently. “We don’t kill anyone unless we have no other choice. A strange request to make of the god of death, but I will accept your terms, only because you’re the one asking me.”

I almost deflated against him with relief. But I knew I had to push my advantage while I still had it.

“And Sevelie,” I added. “Be nicer about her... and Fion, and Six.”

“Would you like me to cast away my possessions and join the Church, as well?”

“Aster.”

He rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Fine, fine. I’ll be nice. Now, let’s get you clean. You’ll feel much better afterward.”

I allowed him to help pour water over my hair and scrub bloodstains off my back until the bath was filthy and red, and then I allowed him to stay sitting by the tub, back politely turned, as I refilled it with fresh water and repeated the process all over again until I finally felt clean.

Afterward, when I was dressed, he helped rub my hair dry with a towel, the motion almost putting me to sleep.

Outside the window, the Wanderer of Still Waters blazed in the sky, and the umbral gate turned in slow, glowing arcs.

I met Aster’s eye in the mirror, and though a part of me yearned already for that bright clarity that had overtaken us this afternoon, I secretly hoped I would never feel it again.