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Chapter twenty-seven

Danae

GRIFFIN

Where’s your ideal place to sit and read?

ME

You mean everyday location or dream locale?

GRIFFIN

Both.

ME

Everyday would be at one of the nearby parks when the temperature is perfect. Dream would be sitting by the fireplace of a ski lodge in the mountains.

GRIFFIN

You mean after a full day of skiing? winking emoji

ME

Do you even know me at all?

GRIFFIN

So we’re going to a ski lodge but not going skiing?

ME

You’re welcome to go skiing. You could even take Jason. I will sit by the fireplace with my book.

GRIFFIN

Yeah my coaches would kill me if I went skiing. They don’t appreciate us doing any injury-prone activities.

ME

Looks like you’ll sit by the fireplace and read with me then.

GRIFFIN

I’ll just watch you while you read.

ME

You can’t watch me if I’m snuggled up in the crook of your arm while I’m reading.

GRIFFIN

I can get on board with this dream.

ME

What’s your favorite city to travel to during the season?

GRIFFIN

Ooo that’s a tough one. Probably Baltimore, but that’s mostly because one of my buddies from college plays there. We always try to catch up somehow when we’re in each other’s cities.

ME

I haven’t traveled to the northeast before. My mom always preferred beaches, so we never went north for vacations growing up.

GRIFFIN

So we’ll hit up Baltimore on our way to the ski lodge in Vermont this winter. Sounds good to me.

ME

Have Samantha schedule it. winking emoji

Closing myself in the staff restroom, I take a deep breath, willing myself not to cry. Griffin has been gone for two weeks now, and although that means I’m two weeks closer to seeing him again, it’s been two of the hardest weeks of my life.

Jason has been struggling more than ever, which means I’m doubting myself more than ever. I know he’s having an equally hard time with Griffin’s sudden absence, considering how quickly he'd become a regular fixture in our life.

Last week, we got together for lunch with Cathy, his grandma, for her birthday.

On the one hand, it was really good to see her, to continue that connection for Jason, and for her to see us doing well.

I know she loves and cares about Jason, even if she didn’t feel equipped to raise him.

But his angry reactions were off the charts at school and at home for the three days following our visit, complete with another destructive outburst smashing all of his Lego sets.

At least those can be rebuilt . . . I’m not sure how much of my confidence in myself as a mother can be repaired.

To top it all off, Jason’s huge blow-up happened on a day that Griffin was completely unavailable.

I talked things through with Kara, who encouraged me to also talk to Samantha.

I didn’t want to burden her when I know her own troubled childhood is probably difficult to relive.

But when she came to babysit while I went to book club, she could immediately tell things were off.

She stuck around after Jason went to bed, and I unloaded the whole story on her.

Samantha listened intently and encouraged me to find a therapist who specializes in working with adoptees and children who have experienced trauma.

She even helped me find some options, and after calling around, I found a therapist who was able to get us in this week .

I already did a telehealth meeting with her yesterday to give her information about Jason’s background and current behavior challenges. We’re leaving school a half hour early today to meet with her in person for the first time, and I’ll have a debrief with her alone tomorrow.

I’m overwhelmed. I’ve wondered more than once what it would be like to have loving parents lending their support in this journey.

I’m beyond grateful for Samantha’s understanding, for Kara’s encouragement, and for the support of all my coworkers and friends.

Simultaneously, my heart aches with the deep void of Griffin’s absence in the midst of such an emotionally and mentally challenging time.

And I’m ticked off at myself that I would be thrown for this much of a loop missing a man I’ve known less than two whole months.

Now here I am, crying in the staff bathroom right before the library is about to fill up with twenty third graders.

And all I want is to burrow myself against Griffin’s strong chest. To feel his arms fold around me.

To drown in the spicy scent of his cologne.

To have his hands wrapped around mine, stopping me from picking off my nail polish.

He was the only one who seemed able to subdue that anxious habit.

I blow my nose, wash my hands, and pat a wet paper towel under my eyes. Pull yourself together, Danae, I lecture my reflection. You’re a grown-up, not a lovesick teenager. Start acting like it.

“Jason, it’s been so nice getting to know you a little bit this afternoon,” Miss Jessica says. We spent the first thirty minutes of the therapy session getting acquainted while Jason played with water beads. “Before you go home today, could we do a little puppet show?” she asks.

Jason responds with enthusiasm, so she pulls out a basket filled with puppet animals. Miss Jessica says, “These puppets help me explain some of the things that go on inside our brains, some of the things that I’m going to help you with while you’re here. Can you put this puppy on your hand? ”

He slips his hand into the puppet and immediately starts barking. Miss Jessica continues speaking in her soothing tone of voice. “You are very good at making dog sounds! Do you know that we all have lots of different animals inside our brains?”

Jason’s eyes grow wide. “I have animals in my brain?”

Miss Jessica smiles, “Okay, we don’t really have animals in our brains.

But different parts of our brain act in different ways, a lot like how different types of animals act.

” She holds up her hand, which is now covered by an owl puppet.

“We all have something called the prefrontal cortex toward the front part of our brain,” she says, tapping Jason’s forehead.

“A what?” he asks, face screwed up in confusion.

“I know, it’s a fancy word, huh? That’s why I like to use the animals,” Miss Jessica says.

“That part of our brain is like this wise old owl. When the wise old owl is here in our brains, we can make good decisions, we can pay attention and solve problems, and we can regulate the emotions we’re feeling.

” I’m watching her puppet show with rapt attention, positive that I’m learning more than Jason is.

“But we also all have part of our brain that’s like your watchdog there,” Miss Jessica continues.

“When the watchdog thinks we might be in danger, he barks to sound the alarm.” She points at Jason, who barks and growls aggressively.

“Exactly! The watchdog is trying to keep you safe, so he lets you know if he thinks you’re going to get hurt, whether that’s physically or emotionally.

And if the watchdog doesn’t calm down and stop barking, he scares away the wise old owl.

” Miss Jessica flaps the owl puppet’s wings and flies it away behind her.

“Now, when the wise old owl leaves, there are different animals that might take its place. Some people have the same animal all the time, and other people might have a different animal depending on how they’re feeling that day.

One of the options is the porcupine,” she says, pulling out a porcupine puppet.

“The porcupine raises its spikes, ready to fight the danger. It wants to keep you safe, so it’s ready to get into a fight in order to do that.

Have you felt that way sometimes? I know I have. ”

“Yeah, I do think I have a porcupine in my brain sometimes,” Jason answers .

“But sometimes it’s not a porcupine that answers the watchdog’s alert.

Sometimes the bird pops up, and it flies away to try to run from the danger.

Other times, we have a turtle that takes over.

It freezes and draws inside its shell to try to hide from the danger because it doesn’t know what to do.

Do those animals make sense?” Miss Jessica asks, as she lays each puppet out in front of Jason.

“Uh-huh,” he says. “Which animal is the best one?”

“Well, there’s not a good or bad animal,” Miss Jessica responds.

Even though I’d like to point out that the fighting porcupine seems less than ideal.

She continues, “All of the animals are there trying to protect you. But sometimes, those animals can make us act in ways that might be harmful to ourselves and others, so we have to learn how to calm down the animals when that happens. Once we can get wise old owl to come back, then we can make better choices with our words and actions. So we’re going to work on some strategies to help you be able to tell when your watchdog is barking, how to tell if you’re really in danger, and how to get wise old owl to come back faster. Does that sound like a good plan?”

“Yeah!” Jason says. “Can we play with water beads again too?”

Miss Jessica leans forward like she’s whispering a secret. “We have lots of fun things to play with. We have water beads, shaving cream, and a whole room full of sensory toys like a swing and a trampoline. We’ll play with different things each time until we figure out your favorites.”

“Awesome!” Jason yells.

“Our time is up for today, but I can’t wait to see you again, Jason,” Miss Jessica says.