Page 44 of Hold Me Instead (Elmwood Falls #1)

Charlie

Charlie slid her hands up and down her thighs, pressing her back against the passenger seat of Zachary’s car. Her attraction to him vibrated through her body, ready to burst from her fingertips if they didn’t do something about it.

The closer they got to her place, the more nervous she became. Zachary’s light touch on her shoulder made her jump, pulling her focus from the window to find his gaze on her.

“You okay?”

“Of course!” It came out high-pitched, immediate proof of her lie.

He nodded toward her hands, clenched into fists on her lap. She stretched her fingers, sliding them down her legs until her upper body was flush to her thighs.

“Fuck,” she mumbled. She lifted her head. “Can we go inside and…talk?”

Zachary nodded. “Whatever you want.”

She gave him a small smile, then bolted from the car, hurried up the walkway, and through the alcove to her apartment.

Two small lamps glowed from the built-in shelves.

Toothless was perched just inside, waiting to greet them, and wove between their legs.

Charlie used the distraction to feed the cat and mutter sweet nothings at her .

“Feels so much later, but I guess we got to the bar early,” she said as she pulled the curtains and joined Zachary on the couch.

The darkness of late November added a chill to the air. She shivered. Zachary pulled the blanket from the end of the couch and draped it over their laps, then silently grabbed her hand, tracing her knuckles. She watched the motion, building up the courage to speak.

He waited. His patience, his care, went so much further than he could ever realize.

“I have something called vaginismus.” The admission fell from her lips, no bullshit, no dance. Her heart rate picked up, and Zachary gripped her hand. She dared to look him in the eye. “It’s a physical limitation. A sexual dysfunction, more specifically.”

His hand relaxed slightly, but he stayed focused on her. “Okay.”

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“There are different causes, based on the person. Some experience it after trauma, some after medical treatments…which I guess is a form of trauma. Some, as far as they can tell, are born with it—that’s my scenario, by the way.

Nothing happened, it’s always been like this. ”

Zachary nodded, still quiet.

“Umm. Right. So I’ve been in physical therapy for years.

Actually, it took years to find a doctor who understood what I was going through.

I cycled through a bunch, most of them telling me it was in my head.

Others saying that, with time, I could work through it—without giving me guidance, by the way.

Oh, so I suppose I should explain more of what it is, huh?

That might help.” She cleared her throat, nervous, emotions clawing their way out.

Zachary gave her a small smile. He didn’t move closer, but he still held her hand .

“Basically, it’s difficulty with penetration.

There’s immense pain, a burning that, no matter what you hear, is not normal to experience—it should not bring you to tears from pain any time you try to put a tampon in, or even a finger.

If anything, you want to cry from happiness.

Or pleasure. Anyway.” She waved her hand to move forward.

“Some women have it so bad that sitting is too painful, or clothing rubbing against them is awful. I fortunately didn’t have it like that.

But for the longest time, I couldn’t get anything in.

It amped up my anxiety, and it became this snowball effect, where my mind knew there was pain—not this made up pain that some doctors like to pin on women as if we were still in the 1950s—so fear added this extra layer to any attempt at figuring things out.

I was just…lost. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it.

My mom and I don’t talk about sex. All my friends started talking about tampons, and by the time they were having sex, it felt too late to bring anything up.

I was extremely embarrassed. I didn’t know what was going on or who to turn to.

No one talked about issues like that, at least, not in my circle of friends. ”

Her breaths were heavy. “This is way more information than I planned on saying. Almost feels like I’m giving excuses for why I’m… I’ve hardly told anyone this yet. Maybe that’s obvious. Feels like it might be.” She swallowed.

“It’s okay,” Zachary said softly.

She gave a firm nod. “Eventually, I found a doctor who knew what I was talking about. She was amazing, took extra time and care with me, referred me to this amazing physical therapist who does pelvic floor therapy. It took some time for me to trust her, but she’s been awesome.

It started small, but I’ve made a lot of progress.

The pain is almost gone. I’ve been working through layers and layers of protection I’ve built around myself, and that’s not something that can be rushed, you know? I’ve carried it with me my whole life.”

Zachary pressed a kiss to the inside of her wrist. She reached out her other hand and brushed his cheek with her fingers, keeping her focus there as she avoided his eyes.

“What I’m trying to say is,” she said softly, “I haven’t slept with anyone before. I mean, I’m not completely innocent.” She forced a wink. “My ex and I tried various things, but I haven’t really dated much since then. Nothing serious. Nothing that really got physical.”

“How was your ex with all this?” Zachary asked, his voice low.

“Um.” She pressed her lips together. “I didn’t really understand what was going on at the time. Neither one of us did. But he was far from being the right partner while I figured it out.”

Zachary’s grip tightened on her hand. “I don’t want you to feel pressured, Charlie. You’re in control here. This is…well, it’s a lot.”

She sank back against the couch. “Did I scare you off?” Her tone was light, her attempt to be playful about a topic that had ruled her life in all too serious a manner.

“What? No.” Zachary scooted closer. “I’m here with you because it’s the only place I want to be, not because I want to get you naked.” He paused, picking at the blanket. “Okay, full disclosure, I’ve thought about you naked plenty of times.”

She smiled. “Same.”

His eyes locked on hers. “Yeah?” He grinned, his focus trailing to her mouth, then back up to her eyes.

“You pretty much pawed your way under my skin, Harris. I don’t know how, it’s like you burrowed in and took over.

” He patted his chest softly as he spoke.

Swallowed hard. “Like it’s been your spot all along. ”

Her heart flipped. His analogy hit home, the comfort she felt with him the only reason she’d divulged everything she had. She pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. His hand slid up to her face, cradling her jaw, and he kissed her tenderly.

When his fingers slipped into her hair, a tingle shivered down her spine, and Charlie was reignited.

The weight of the conversation was off her chest. She didn’t want it to rule her anymore, and that started immediately.

It wasn’t going to stop them from enjoying each other—as much as her body and mind would allow.

With how turned on she was, both were clearly on board.

Mouths locked, Charlie clambered onto her knees and straddled Zachary. Her hands gripped his shoulders as she set herself down, their lips slipping and searching fervently with the movement.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Zachary said, pulling his mouth from hers.

She trailed her kisses down his neck and settled her body lower on his lap, feeling him harden beneath her.

“Harris, baby.” He held her away from him, then touched her cheek. “Charlie. We don’t have to do anything tonight. Really.”

She pressed a kiss to his nose, then whispered, “I thought you were following my lead?”

He shivered, and she grinned.

“Yes, but you just unloaded a whole ton of heavy shit. Don’t you need a minute, or a night, or…something?”

She shook her head, then gasped. “I’m sorry, do you ?”

“No.” He sighed as she continued her kiss trail, and when she bit his earlobe, it earned her a groan.

She breathed into his neck. “I don’t want it to overrule what we had going. Like I said, I’ve made a lot of progress. I just wanted you to know that I couldn’t just spread my legs and say, ‘Put it in me.’ Much as I might want to.”

He snorted. “Jesus.”

“I’ve had orgasms.”

He clenched his jaw.

“I really like them.”

He cursed softly.

She pulled back slightly, smiling that they could be light about it. “Are you uncomfortable with doing anything tonight?” Her eyes searched his.

“No.” He shook his head firmly. “No, I’m good if you’re good.”

“Good,” she said softly against his lips. “I trust you, Zachary.”

His palms curved to her cheeks as he pulled back, eyes soft as he scanned her face.

Her stomach flipped at the intensity of his gaze.

It was a look she’d fantasized about, but the feeling it elicited was beyond her imagination.

She was light enough to float on a cloud yet heavy with need.

It was a gut punch of desire, a mutual want. Tenderness.

They moved at the same time, and when their mouths fused, they held. Charlie touched his jaw lightly, then tugged his bottom lip between her teeth.

Zachary groaned, and one palm engulfed her nape and angled her head.

The kiss was deep, the strokes of his tongue long, slow, playful, like he was letting her know he could make these kisses count, that they could be enough if she wanted.

His hands mapped her hips and slid to her ass, following her movements as she ground herself against him.

Her whole body was ignited, sparks shooting everywhere that she wanted to chase immediately. Naked.

He tugged his mouth from hers. “Are you okay? ”