Page 40 of Hold Me Instead (Elmwood Falls #1)

Charlie

“When are you two going out again? Don’t get me wrong, I like your mug, but I figured you’d jump at any free time to spend with him. I know you guys are there together long hours, but I don’t see you getting frisky in that office.” Amber chuckled, following Charlie into her apartment.

Charlie hung up her coat and settled onto the couch, Toothless sauntering over for a pat.

She’d invited her cousin over with the sole purpose of talking with her.

After telling Magnolia, it had been a little easier for Charlie to picture sharing her vaginismus with Amber, and with the way she and Zachary were advancing, she needed the support.

“I don’t know. We’ve been swamped, plus he’s helping with his dad. We see each other almost every day, though.”

“That’s not the same as going out! How are you keeping your hands to yourself?”

They had trouble keeping their hands to themselves. Each day was part of a painstakingly sexy foreplay, and Charlie was an excited participant.

Amber squealed. “You’re blushing! What happened with the sexy vet?”

“Well, he knows I had a crush on him.”

Amber gasped. “Did he figure it out? ”

“I kinda let it slip.” She laughed at Amber’s pained groan. “It ended up being a good thing. He was very sweet about it.”

“I’m excited for you. I know he’s a big deal, but you’re so happy. And you deserve to be happy. Also, I’m surprised you haven’t jumped his bones already.” She chuckled.

Charlie bit the inside of her cheek, glancing away. “I can’t just do that,” she said quietly.

“Yeah, I know, that’s not your style. Totally get it,” Amber said, squeezing her arm.

“No, I mean.” Charlie took a breath. “Physically. I can’t just go and do that.”

Amber was silent, her eyes searching Charlie’s as Toothless walked across their laps.

“Wait. Charlie. Are you…?” Amber shifted, the crease between her brows deepening. “Are you still a virgin?”

“Well, technically, yes.”

“ Oh. Oh, shit. Wow, okay, yeah, I didn’t know.”

“That’s not the whole deal, though.”

“I’m confused.”

Charlie huffed out a laugh. She gave Amber a rundown, similar to her conversation with Magnolia. She let her talk, listening quietly.

When Charlie stopped, Amber said softly, “I had no idea.”

She shrugged. “How could you? I never told you.”

“Why?”

“It got to this point where…everyone had gone well beyond tampons and losing their virginity. I thought by college, I’d have some answers. When I didn’t, it became too difficult to bring it up.” She blew out a breath. “I was extremely embarrassed. ”

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about—”

“Try thinking that when everyone around you is talking about getting laid, hooking up with strangers, trying new positions, or kinky things with their boyfriends.” Charlie shook her head.

“It made me feel dumb somehow. Naive. Like I couldn’t chime in about anything because I didn’t have the experience.

No one ever talked about having pain that never went away or being unable to stick anything in.

I felt very alone, like something was wrong with me.

Bringing it up to someone I’m interested in is the last thing I want to do.

Even Bobby couldn’t wrap his head around it. ”

“What did that asshole say?”

Charlie waved her hand. “He got tired of us not really progressing. We did other stuff, but I had a hard time even being in the mood. I mean, he was more concerned with getting off, anyway. Said I was a tease for having wants and desires but then being too nervous to follow through. Made me feel guilty if I didn’t participate, that he couldn’t do it solo for religious reasons… ”

“Motherfucker.” Amber tapped the armrest. “We tell each other everything.”

“We did. When we were younger.”

“We still do.”

“Amber, it’s not like it used to be.”

Amber crossed her arms and looked away from Charlie, no doubt thinking of her own mother. How much she’d pulled away once she’d passed.

“All those times I talked about hooking up with guys…” Amber shook her head. “You must’ve hated me.”

Charlie reared back slightly. “Hated you? Why? ”

“It was like throwing it in your face. Taunting you.”

“I never thought of it that way.”

“I would’ve.”

Charlie smirked. “No you wouldn’t.”

Amber sighed. “You think too highly of me sometimes.”

Charlie snorted.

Eyes pinched with worry, Amber leaned closer. “Is it hard to talk to me about stuff?”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just…I’ve had a hard time processing it. And accepting it myself. It’s been me and my doctors, which kept it in this strange little bubble. Telling Magnolia was the first time I felt like I was actually admitting it aloud.”

Amber leaned back. “You told Magnolia?”

“Only recently. She happened to see me,” Charlie fumbled, not wanting to reveal anything of Magnolia’s before she did. “It just sort of came out. I think it bubbled to the surface or something.”

“We hardly know Magnolia.”

“Come on, that’s not true. She fit in immediately, like we’d known her forever, you even said that yourself. Why would we all have been helping her with the shop this whole time?”

“Still.”

Charlie rubbed her forehead. “That doesn’t matter.”

“Maybe not to you.”

“Look, I’m still figuring out how to process all this.

How to not feel embarrassed, to be able to say the words to people close to me.

To try and not worry about what people will think, like my therapist says, even though all I can do is spin my wheels with ways people won’t understand or will tell me it’s not real, when it’s been very real , and for most of my life!

And to top it off, I’m wild about this amazing guy, and I have no clue how to talk to him about this because the last time it came up for me, the relationship didn’t go too well.

How do you tell someone you want to be with them in all the ways , and then add on that you’re broken?

That…you feel like your value is somehow less as a person, and a partner?

What if I’m…what if it’s not worth the effort to him, and the patience, and he wants to leave? ”

Charlie’s voice shook. Her frantic eyes found her cousin’s, Amber’s glistening with tears.

“Is that how you feel? Like you’re…broken?” Amber finally asked.

All Charlie could do was nod. Amber launched herself forward, wrapping her arms tight around Charlie, crying with her. This time, Charlie’s tears came out in sobs, the force of them racking her body. Amber squeezed her tighter, whispering over and over again that she had her, that it would be okay.

It shocked Charlie to realize that this time, she believed it would be.