Page 19 of Hold Me Down (KRK Security #4)

As the car parked outside of Kalei's house, Travis realized that it was the second time in less than three weeks that he was coming here shaken up, his emotions all over the place.

Clenching and unclenching his hands, he focused on his breathing.

He counted the houses on the left side that he could see on the inhale, and then the houses on the right as he exhaled.

He repeated it a few times before glancing back at Kalei's house, only to see him already there on the front porch.

Of course.

Travis still had no idea how Kalei did that—even his exceptional hearing couldn't explain it fully, could it?—but he was grateful for it, now. Who knew how long he would have sat in here instead of walking up and knocking, otherwise.

Probably as long as the driver would let him before getting impatient.

It didn't matter that Travis wasn't ready to have the conversation he'd come here to have—he didn't think he could ever be ready. He was here, and Kalei was staring at him, which meant Travis was doing this, one way or another.

The moment he left the car, Kalei turned and walked back into the house, and Travis chuckled humorlessly. No matter what kind of crisis he was going through, some things stayed the same.

In the kitchen, Kalei had already taken a pitcher of water out of the fridge and was putting ice cubes into the glasses.

It sharpens the mind , he liked to say, and whether it was scientifically proven or not, Travis did think it at least helped keep his focus on the here and now when things were hard.

Alcohol was for smoothening the edges for a while, the ice-cold water was for looking right at them.

Kalei put a glass in front of him and sat on the opposite side of the table.

"Okay, give it to me."

And Travis wished he could explain it in some kind of logical order, but if he could manage that, he probably wouldn't need to be here in the first place. As things were, his head was a mess, his emotions were a mess, and he was grasping at straws to make sense of it all.

"What if I'm an asshole to Dave?" he finally blurted out, clasping his hands around the glass, which sent a cool shiver up his arms.

Kalei sat back.

"Oh, boy."

"I never intended to!" Travis straightened in his seat. "I never, ever intended to. I thought everything was great! I honestly did. If you had asked me a month ago, I would have told you things couldn't be better."

"I know, because I did ask."

Travis grimaced before taking a sip of the water.

"You asked me in the context of my adrenaline thing."

"I asked you in general, and I never assumed your 'adrenaline thing' was separate from the rest of you. So don't play me."

Slumping back in his seat, Travis nodded.

"Speaking off, I've been calmer than usual in the last two weeks or so. Of course, the circumstances are what they are, but I am better."

"Good. I'm glad. Now, go back to the current crisis."

"Current".

Damn it, Travis had gone years without any major issues and now it was one thing after the other.

"Well, it all started at the therapy today," he finally spoke.

"Or maybe last night, actually. Dave's been pushing himself to do things on his own, including stuff I've been doing for him ever since the accident.

And I guess last night it came to a head, and we were both frustrated.

Me because I had to watch him struggle from the sidelines, and him…

He apparently thought I was hovering." Travis's stomach tightened at the memory of Dave's face as he'd thrown it all at Travis earlier.

"Anyway, that was last night. This morning it was a little tense but better—or so I thought.

Then after I left the office, I had a therapy appointment, which was…

hard. Some of it was enlightening but hard to hear.

" He grimaced. "I'm still digesting things, let's put it that way. "

Kalei nodded, tilting his glass towards Travis a bit.

"Yeah, that's the hard part, for sure."

"There was some stuff I managed to digest right away, though, including how I was perhaps coming off as if I wanted to hold Dave back, which was never my intention.

So I was determined to do better, I swear I was.

I had the whole plan of how I could support his progress without suffocating him.

But then I came home and found him in our gym room, about to start bench pressing at a level we'd agreed not to try on our own—and we've had those rules for years, so it wasn't an idea I suddenly came up with, for the record.

And yet today, here he was, with a fucking weight plate on his legs to make it even worse. "

"Why the plate?"

"To keep him in place, I think. But I didn't get to that part, because when I asked him what the fuck he was doing, he went off on me, accusing me of being overbearing.

" Travis took another sip of water, his stomach tensing even more.

"Then he told me I'm always pushing for things to go my way and that he was sick of it.

I got angry and told him I'd give him space then, and I left. "

"So you walked out when he expressed that he wanted some distance. The emotions were heated, but that's not an asshole move."

"But am I an asshole in other ways? Am I pushing for things? I don't want him to do things just because I want them!"

Kalei leaned closer, resting elbows on the table.

"What are you really asking, here?"

"I don't know!" Travis ran a hand over his hair.

"Fuck, it's all confusing, okay? I went out to a bar to let out some steam after a hard day, and instead of getting laid I ended up having an existential crisis when some guy told me about his asshole ex who didn't want commitment despite the fact that they were living and working together already. "

"Ah."

Travis narrowed his eyes at Kalei, who glanced down at his glass.

"What 'ah'?"

"I'm starting to understand what's going on, that's it."

"Enlighten me, then." Travis drowned the rest of his water and put the glass on the table, only for Kalei to fill it up again. "I'm not sure what I'm looking at, here."

"Well, that's bull. You wouldn't be here if you hadn't already figured it out. You'd be at that bar, having your dick sucked or whatever. But you're not back at home, either, which means something's still blocking you, so walk me through it. What are you seeing?"

Feeling suddenly hot and uncomfortable, Travis shifted in his seat.

"You're making me feel like I'm at another therapy session."

"Yeah, well, be glad I'm allowing house calls at all hours, then." Kalei raised his eyebrow. "You didn't come here to be coddled, you came here to figure things out, so do it. What's holding you back?"

"I could lose everything."

The words rushed out of him before he could stop them, and they hung between them for a minute.

"What exactly would that look like?" Kalei asked in a softer than usual tone.

Travis breathed in and out, staring at the table in front of him.

"It looks like losing the best friend and partner I could ever imagine having. Or like going home to an empty house, or like having to switch jobs because I'd never want to rob Dave of—"

"Okay, okay," Kalei cut in, lifting his hands in a placating gesture. "You have to know you're catastrophizing, here."

Travis glared at him. "Well, you asked!"

Kalei conceded with a nod, so Travis ran a hand through his hair.

"I don't want to be the asshole ex," he offered, staring at the glass.

"The way you always told it, you didn't want to be an ex, period. You've always been pretty vocal about not wanting to be in a relationship."

"Yeah, and according to my therapist, I was lying to myself the whole time."

Kalei raised both eyebrows now. "Did she really say that?"

Shaking his head, Travis looked down at the table again.

"She basically said that for a guy who claims not to be into commitment, I seem to be already committed to several people and things. And that a committed relationship doesn't have to mean going out there, snatching a stranger, and having to mold my life around him."

"She sounds smart."

Travis huffed. "Don't I know it."

"Still, she didn't say you were lying to yourself, more like seeing things one way and not the other.

That doesn't mean you have to—" Kalei paused.

"Okay, help me out here, because I don't want to put words in your mouth.

How's the fact that you may now see yourself differently in regards to the whole commitment thing related to Dave and your fear of losing him, exactly? "

Travis bit his lower lip, shifting in his seat again. "You know how."

Now it was Kalei who huffed.

"Listen, when it comes to you two, I thought I had you figured out a few times over the years, only to be proven wrong each time, so no, I don't know.

I mean, I can see some things," he added as he leaned on his forearms, "but not the whole picture.

And it sounds like the picture has just shifted for you, so. Talk to me."

"I've never lied to him," Travis whispered. "Not on purpose."

"Right."

"I was never interested in dating, and he said the same, so it was easy to fall into things, you know? Why not add sex into the mix if we enjoy each other's company and have great chemistry on top of that? Win-win for everyone."

"Not for the people running into the two of you while you're at it, in various places."

Travis snorted, amused despite it all.

"Yeah, well, like I said—great chemistry. So, it was always easy, and we were never exclusive, but it kind of… Most of the time, it was the two of us, because why not? Why would I go out there looking for something else, someone else, if I had Dave at home? There's no beating that."

Fucking hell .

As Travis was talking, things were getting pretty damn clear, but they weren't getting any less scary.

"A few months ago," he continued, quieter than before, "he told me he'd been reconsidering the no-relationship thing, and he asked me if I ever did, as well.

And I swear to you, I thought it was nothing more than a throwaway question, and I was already taken aback by his admission, so I told him, no way, never in a million years.

" He sat up and pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes. "Fuck."

Kalei didn't say a word, and for a while they sat there in silence as Travis tried to pull himself together.

"What if he was asking for himself?" he finally whispered. "What if he was trying to ask me to make things official, and I was the asshole who told him no?"

"Hey, listen." Kalei's tone made Travis look up on instinct. "You can't make any decisions based solely on what he wants. Assuming you're right, that is."

"Well, right now, I'm rather desperately hoping I am, actually."

And the truth of it—the simple, clear truth of what he wanted—made everything fall into places inside his head.

He slowly lowered his hands and clenched them around the edge of the table as his heartbeat sped up.

"So you want to be with him, then?" Kalei asked. "Not just for him, but for yourself?"

"Yeah." Travis nodded, still getting used to the idea, but the growing excitement inside of him pushed out any lingering doubts. "Yes. I feel like I've already been with him for ages."

"You certainly looked the part, but it doesn't matter what other people see, okay? It's about how you feel and how he feels. Nothing else matters."

"He's pissed at me right now."

"He's pissed at you for something else," Kalei pointed out. "You can clear that out, and then figure out the relationship thing."

"If he wants it."

"If he wants it." Kalei nodded, straightening in his seat. "But from what you're telling me, and from what I've seen, I'd say your odds are pretty damn good."

Travis perked up at that. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. Now, get the hell out and go talk with Dave."

Snorting, Travis got to his feet.

"Yes, Boss. I'm on it."

He couldn't wait to get home.