Page 15 of Hold Me Down (KRK Security #4)

"So, how have you been?" Doctor Kumar asked, already a familiar question after only a few sessions.

They were meeting twice a week now, which seemed way too much for him at the start, but he'd kind of… gotten used to the idea.

While Travis wouldn't want to do this forever, he could see how it was helping him focus on his reactions and interpretations of things. He didn't like it much when Doctor Kumar offered a different point of view for certain things, but it was honestly useful.

"Travis?" she prompted him now, and he realized he hadn't answered her question.

"Pretty good, I guess."

He paused at that, but he already knew what was coming—her silence. She was good at waiting him out when he tried to skirt on a short, easy answer.

"It was different," he finally said to the art piece on the wall.

"I went to the office on Friday and again today, and on one hand, it was weird, going there without Dave.

It felt off the entire time. On the other, it was nice to see my coworkers.

I got a talking to, but it wasn't as bad as I feared, and it seems like we're good now. "

"Tell me about how it went."

As Travis gave her a recap of what had happened, he started thinking that maybe she wouldn't see it as he did, maybe she would tell him that things were worse than he'd assumed and he needed to do better than this, if he wanted to truly make up for his mistakes.

"It sounds like you have good friends over there," she said instead. "Ones who would be honest about how they're feeling but also give you grace as you're working on your issues."

Travis shifted in his seat. He would never put it in those words, exactly, but she wasn't wrong.

He focused on the easier part. "Yeah, we have a great team at work, like I told you before, and some of them have become close friends."

"You mentioned being relieved that after leaving the military you were able to find another group of people you enjoy spending time with."

"It's more than enjoyment, actually. Having people at my back is priceless, in our line of work but also in general."

"And being the kind of person who has other people's backs."

"Yes, of course."

"How do you view your relationships, in general?"

Travis frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You have family ties, a close-knit group at work, a partner with whom you live, a former commander turned boss… It looks like you tend to gravitate towards solid, long-lasting relationships."

Snorting, he rubbed his jaw.

"Nobody has ever said I'm into long-lasting relationships, myself included."

"Why not?"

"I don't… I'm not interested in a long-lasting, committed romantic relationship, and I've never been in one."

Doctor Kumar stared at him for a few seconds, but this time it didn't seem like she was waiting him out, more like she had something to say.

"What?" Travis sighed. "Please don't tell me that not wanting such a thing is somehow a flaw I need to fix."

"Not being interested in a romantic relationship is not a flaw or something to fix," she said. "However, it is worth exploring why you're so adamant about this. What don't you like about the idea of being in such a relationship?"

"I'm so adamant , because many people are judgmental about somebody being single by choice."

"I see. And that's what you don't like? Other people telling you what's best?"

"No, I just…" He huffed. "I have a great life, and I honestly don't feel like anything's missing.

Going out there and looking for someone to build a relationship with when I have everything I need feels counterproductive.

I'd rather spend that time with Dave, or with my other friends, instead of fulfilling someone else's idea about what I should be doing. "

"So it's not commitment that bothers you, but more the fact that you'd have to take away from what you already have to give to that other person. Is that correct?"

Travis had never thought about it this way, but phrased like that, it made sense.

"Yeah, I guess."

Doctor Kumar tilted her head. "You're not sure?"

"It's a different way of seeing this, that's all. I'm used to saying I don't do commitment and that's that. Many guys don't care for one, anyway, but I learned to be straightforward from the start, so there would be no expectations later on."

"So you're honest with any potential romantic or sexual partner that you're not into commitment long-term."

It was more of a statement than a question, but he still nodded.

"Exactly."

"That makes sense in this context, then.

" Doctor Kumar rolled a pen in her hand.

"However, I'd argue that calling yourself a person who doesn't 'do commitment' in general can create confusion, because that's not who you are in every context.

You are committed to people who are already in your life and with whom you have close bonds.

You're committed to your job and the idea of protecting people, even strangers.

It's all commitment, and it's not better or worse than any other form of it. "

Feeling hot, Travis glanced towards the window. It was wide open today, and a slight breeze moved the sheer white curtain slowly.

"Did that make you uncomfortable?" Doctor Kumar asked, prompting him to look at her again.

"More like unsure, I guess." He shifted in his seat. "You're basically telling me that how I've seen myself for years isn't actually who I am."

She shook her head. "You're not a fundamentally different person just because of the words used.

It's more about giving a name to things that were contradictory until now.

And some of those things will be easier to accept than others, probably, but it's not about forcing you into anything.

The goal isn't to get you out there to date strangers you don't care about, if that's what worries you.

The goal is to explore how a different perspective may help you understand yourself more fully, which will then inform your actions and maybe even assist you in handling your emotions better.

" She offered him a brief smile. "It's normal to be frustrated when you're stuck.

We all experience this. However, understanding ourselves and the situation we're in is crucial in order to get unstuck. "

Rubbing his thumb over the palm of his other hand, Travis could feel tension growing in his body as he tried to digest everything she was saying.

"I'll think about that. I see the logic in it, but I need some time to process, I guess."

"Great." She smiled again. "I appreciate you're willing to think about this, and I'm open to a future discussion, even if you don't agree. For now, how about you go back to telling me how you've been the last few days?"

Travis winced before he could stop himself. That was only marginally easier to talk about.

"It's been fine, until yesterday. I mean, I'm okay, I haven't done anything stupid or reckless, or anything, but it's… Dave's been struggling and I wish I could do more."

"Healing from an injury is often a complicated process, with ups and downs along the way. What has he been struggling with?"

"Not being able to do things. It's been killing him from the start, but he was more upbeat in general, and he could snap out of it more easily.

Now he's withdrawn, he gets irritated quickly…

And that's not me complaining, to be clear," Travis rushed to add.

"I'd be a mess if it was me, so he's already ahead, but I'm afraid he's pushing himself too much.

He waits for me to leave the room to do certain things instead of letting me help.

Last night he insisted on walking up the stairs on his own, even though I was right there, and I had to watch him struggle over the simplest thing.

" Travis dug his thumb even harder. "I could tell he was getting even more pissed at me for watching, but I couldn't just leave, because what if he fell? "

Again.

What if he fell again?

Watching Dave climb those stairs had been brutal on Travis's nerves, and he hadn't quite shaken it off yet.

"So there's a conflict between the two of you over how much or how little Dave should do on his own."

Travis sat up straighter.

"A conflict is too strong of a word. He's irritated, that's for sure, but I wouldn't say we're fighting."

"A conflict of perspectives, then. He thinks he should be doing more, and you think he should be doing less and letting you help."

"I want to help him get better."

"Of course you do. And he knows that, too, right?"

"Right."

"Meanwhile, he's also struggling with not being able to do things and insists on trying stuff. Did he make it up those stairs?"

"Yeah." Travis slumped in his seat again. "It took a while, but he made it."

"And you were at his back."

Closing his eyes briefly, Travis sighed.

"I'm not sure I'd be fast enough if he fell. He'd be safer if I helped him up."

"But if you helped him up, he wouldn't be able to try on his own.

" Doctor Kumar rolled her pen again. "That's a common struggle in a situation like this.

The person with the injury pushes for independence, and the person who's there next to them tries to protect them from further harm.

What about when he's not injured? Do you find yourselves in similar circumstances at work, for example? "

"You mean, do I try to do things for him when he's not injured? No, I don't. I mean," Travis added with a frown, "we do stuff for each other all the time, but it's more usual, everyday stuff, like making coffee or something. We're not hovering over each other out in the field."

"And do you think you're hovering now?"

He grimaced. "I walked right into that one, didn't I?"

"For the record, I'm not calling it one way or another, I'm simply using your words."

"I don't know if that's better or worse," he muttered, but he was rewarded for it with a twitch of her lips.

"I don't think I'm hovering most of the time, but I can see how it may feel stifling, especially for Dave.

Independence is crucial for him, like I said.

He always made sure he was self-sufficient and able to do things.

We fit well right from the start, because we both wanted a partner to rely on in the field but were also eager to excel on our own.

We never tried to hold each other back—the opposite, really. We push each other to get better."

"But now you feel like you do want to hold him back, at least a little."

Swallowing an immediate protest, Travis gave himself a minute to think about it.

"If I thought it was safe for him to do it on his own, I wouldn't hold him back," he said slowly, but then realized that it wasn't quite right. "Fuck, I am holding him back."

He caught himself and apologized for the swearing, but she waved it off, as she'd done in the past.

"Maybe you do, maybe you don't. His doctor or physical therapist should probably decide what's enough and what's too much. I'd like us to focus on how it feels. Right now, you want to protect him more than you want to push him into getting better. None of this is bad in itself."

Travis lowered himself in his seat, feeling the tension blooming in his head.

"It's not that simple."

Not to him, and certainly not to Dave.