Page 63 of His Blazing Witch (The Silver City #3)

Being a human is strangely complicated.

They do a lot of unnecessary things and act as if their own bodies are too weak. Their skin is not enough, so they wear other animals' skin or fur. They don't use their hands to eat; they use things that touch their food instead. They clean themselves with water rather than their tongue, and they do that every day, for some reason. They burn their food before they eat it, but they don't even eat all of the meat. They are very particular about where they sleep, where they sit, where they eat, where they pee, and for a reason I don't understand, they hate the ground for all of that. They have bad eyes, bad sense of smell, and their body is not comfortable with anything either.

Aside from the physical side of it, being a human is a lot of trouble. My head is always filled with many more things than before, and I think about things I didn't know I could think about. Everything I feel, and even the emotions I knew before, are so much stronger. Now, I know anger is much more complicated from a human's point of view. There are different forms of anger, more or less powerful, and it can last longer than I thought... which is what Luna calls resentment, when anger lasts for a long time over something that's already done. I never thought that could happen before... I'd forget about anger as soon as the next emotion came up, but it turns out humans handle many emotions at once and they can't easily ignore them. They stay sad for a long time, and very sad too. All day long, and even more at night. I've become sadder because of Luna's sadness. When they are happy, though, it just doesn't last long. Humans are never just content. They get easily irritated, nervous, or upset, but they aren't easily content or satisfied. There's always something that flies into their mind to distract that happiness.

I am thankful I can go back to being a wolf when I want. Being a human is just way too complicated, and at times, I just want to be a wolf like any wolf, without all those annoying thoughts, and with my comfortable body too. My human body is a lot of trouble! Each time I feel there's something wrong with it, it turns out this is part of the human's norm...

Luna is not very patient with me, either. It can't be helped; like she says, witches are more human than humans. She feels every emotion deeply, and she even feels the emotions of others. That's way too much for me. I'd rather stay a wolf and not care much about all of this.

I miss my mate even more when I am a human, and it hurts. It hurts like it never hurt before, and I can hardly take it. How do humans endure such pain? I understand that they cry to let the pain out, but the pain just doesn't go away with all those tears we spill! It makes the chest lighter, but the pain is still there, like a thorn I can't get out of my heart, no matter what I do. Even worse, now that I've experienced it, I can't even make this pain go away when I return to my wolf appearance. I don't know why, but of all the emotions, sadness is the one that afflicts me the most and ignores the bit of relief I try to get whenever I change back. I have almost given up by now, and I only shape-shift when I want to be alone, or when I am tired of Luna's lessons.

She wants to make me a witch, and I understand we can get closer to my mate this way, but she's too impatient sometimes. Like a human, she gets angry and mad too fast. I don't want her anger and her pain too, so I ignore her when she gets frustrated with me. I am barely just learning to be a human, but she wants me to be a witch too, as fast as possible. She wants me to learn everything like one who'd force a pup out into the sunlight too soon. She's impatient like a hungry cub, and it's annoying. I've almost bitten her a few times, but I try to be nice, so I growl a lot instead...

Being a witch is more interesting than being a human. I learn a lot about our environment, nature, plants, water, and the ground we walk on. About fire too, that stingy little thing that acts so feisty. Witchcraft is that strange thing that makes me connect deeper with all those things. Actually, it's not like anything about it is too difficult. I understand they work even more simply than a wolf does; nothing is as complicated as humans. What is complicated is understanding that strange language the witches have come up with to name things, those runes as Luna calls it, and mastering it to do even more complex magic. ...Although, at times, I don't like magic.

It's rude, and it forces all those elements to bend to its will. I do not like it. Luna is strong, but if I was fire or water, I'd get mad at how she manipulates it so brutally. I'm glad witches can't direct wolves like that; I'd fight back... Perhaps that's why she finds I'm so good at being a witch. I understand those elements better than her. Water is composed and calm like me. The fire is so playful, yet capricious like a young cub. It's strong, but it doesn't like to be tamed, and only wants to grow. Nature is even easier to manipulate. I know the soil beneath my feet, I know the sounds of trees, and the smells of all those good, nice things. I find Luna selfish when she imposes her magic on it.

I still don't really understand why my mate was so adamant about coming to see this witch every day, but she is indeed very lonely. Sometimes, she looks very sad, and I don't understand why. She often stops talking about what bothers her rather than stating it fully, which is frustrating to me.

If only I could find my mate to ask him... I still look for him, whenever I can. Sometimes at night, when Luna sleeps and I can't seem to find the same peace. I have seen no trace of him, but I still have that little hope in my heart. I've spotted a few of my children with their new packs from afar, but no sign of their father. Perhaps being a human at times exacerbates my longing, but it's becoming more and more painful every day.

"...Don't you go there anymore?"

"Go where?" asks Luna, as we are eating.

"To the stone. You used to go all the time before."

She stops eating and moving. She does that when she is surprised, so I wonder what is surprising about what I said. Did I make her upset again? She looks upset. What was upsetting about my question? Is it that intrusion thing she talked about before? Humans are strangely very picky with that thing they call intimacy; there are some invisible walls, things we're not allowed to see, and things we can't say or ask. Luna gets very fussy over such things, so I have learned to read the signs.

"Can't I ask that?"

"...I don't go anymore," she replies.

So strange. She went all the time before, but now she doesn't go anymore. I wonder what was so special about that rock anyway. I think there was something written on it, but back then, I saw it as a wolf and couldn't read it. I wonder what I would be able to read if I went now. Why do humans carve words into rocks anyway...?

"Alright, enough talking," she says, suddenly standing up. "Let's resume training, you're getting better."

"Better than you, Luna?" I ask, a bit excited.

Luna glares back at me. She doesn't like when I act prideful, but it won't stop me. Wolves are prideful, after all, and just because I live with a human doesn't mean I'll stop being an Alpha. I like being strong. I am strong with magic.

As soon as we resume training, Luna forgets about being angry, and goes back to explaining things in words I can understand. She makes me draw magic circles and play with nature, water, or fire. I do everything she says effortlessly. She teaches me about Dark and Light Magic, although that is a bit unclear to me still. She explains how witches have to be careful about their emotions, but... to me, their emotions aren't the issue. Luna and the humans are just too riddled with all those emotions... The emotions control them already. I don't understand why she's so scared I'll be overwhelmed by mine, when I'm better than her at controlling my anger or my sadness.

"You don't understand," she says again. "Magic is powerful, especially your magic. Because I've created you, you were not made to handle magic in the first place. I am only able to because I am a powerful witch."

"I'm more powerful than you, though."

"No. Being more capable of manipulating the elements or magic doesn't make you more powerful, Luna. You have to understand the real nature of magic, how it flows through our emotions, and how it guides us."

"Are all witches like you, then?"

"...I'm not sure. I haven't met anyone else like me but my own mother. And she learned everything she knew from her mother before her, and our ancestors before that. We receive magic through our blood, and we have to be careful with our gift."

"I understand... So you're the only one who can make someone like me, then?"

"...Yes. But there are others like you, though. Not witches, but wolves that turn human. I was able to do so because you, like your mate, carry that blood in you. I only... awoke a very old, dormant power."

"Really?"

There are more changing wolves? I wonder where... I believe that if I had met one like us, I'd know. Would this be where my mate went, then? To look for more people able to change, like us? Indeed, I don't feel like a mere wolf anymore. Although I can change back, my human self will still be there, from now on. Its birth cannot be taken back, just like I can never really forget, even as I revert to being a wolf, what it is like to feel so many emotions.

"Do you know more changing wolves, then?" I ask.

"No... I have only heard about it, and found the rest in your blood. Let's just go back to training now, Mara. "

"...What did you call me?"

"Luna. What else would I call you? Come on, focus."

No, I heard that other name, again... Mara. Who is Mara? It's odd... I feel like I've forgotten something very important, something I want to remember, but I can't. That name has been haunting me for days now. I hear it at random times, calling me, always calling me... Why would that name be in my head? I've never had a name before; I am a wolf. Still, it feels like... it's truly mine. So... how?

"Luna, focus!"

I growl, annoyed to have her irritated with me. So impatient. Even if she were an Alpha, I wouldn't allow her to disrespect me like this! I try to focus again, but I'm too distracted by the name haunting me, but that’s not the only thing.

I glance to the side while playing with the fire, and sure enough, it's there. This strange butterfly... It's always near, but for some unknown reason, Luna can't see it. She didn't trust me when I mentioned it. I don't think the butterfly minds her, either. It follows me all the time, even when I leave the cabin. I have no idea what that thing wants, or why Luna can't see it. It's just there, like an annoying little bug. I've tried chasing it, but it ignores me and flies away like any butterfly would, so I've decided to leave it alone.

Mara!

I ignore it again and focus on my magic. Luna will get mad at me if I am distracted; she's just impatient to have the two of us achieve what she wants. She said it is dangerous magic, so I ought to grow stronger, much stronger, or else this spell might kill us both. I have never understood why this spell would kill us, but I understand danger and death, so I just follow her orders, like a wolf following the lead.

"Almost there... We're almost there!"

The circle expands beneath us, but... I feel sick. Those menacing black marks are growing on my body, making me suffer more and more. It's painful! I let go, the circle disappearing, and me falling down on my knees.

"Almost!" grunts Luna, her black markings disappearing too. "We were almost there..."

"Why is it so... painful?" I ask, out of breath. "Why can't we just bring my mate back? This thing... Each time we grow it, it becomes so painful!"

"...He's just too far; we can't get him back yet with our current power. He's in... a place that's very hard to reach, Luna, but you and I, we are strong, we can get there… Come on, let's try again!"

"No," I protest. "I am tired, I want to rest. I don't want to suffer again to make my mate come back."

"Don't you want to see him again?!" she yells, mad. "You can't give up!"

There she goes again... I growl as a warning, but she ignores me and gets back into position.

"Come on, Luna, again!"

I growl, but I ought to help her. Perhaps, this time...

I take a deep breath and extend my hands to prepare. She starts the circle, and we articulate each element like a limb. We need all of them. Soil, water, fire... It's hard to move them all, and incredibly tiring, but we still do, relying on each other. The circle expands, and the pain grows, but finally, I feel something happening inside. That sensation, gripping my guts, that something is pulling from the inside...

A horrible stench appears. So strong, so fast, I'm about to let go and throw up. I feel horribly sick, and that thing makes me want to vomit. Not only that, but... something appears inside the circle. Something unnatural and scary. It... looks like bones... No, I must be wrong. Yet, that thing is moving, and Luna looks... happy. She keeps holding on, but I can't. Something's wrong, and I don't like that. I let go and step back, completely hit by the pain. What was that? Human bones? What happened?!

"Why did you stop?!" she screams, crying out of the blue. "We were almost there!"

"We weren't! That was... death," I scoff, shocked. "What happened?!"

She shakes her head, furious at me.

"It's part of the process, Luna! If you hadn't stopped... Oh, Moon Goddess! I can't believe we were almost there!"

"No, I'm not doing that again. That thing is dangerous and scary. Let's not call it back."

"You're... Ugh!" she screams in frustration, but I change back, and leave her there.

I can't handle it when she's like that, it just makes me uneasy. She's going to cry and scream, get mad for one of those strange reasons humans find when they're unhappy. I won't be there for it. I walk away. I need a walk, I need to get away from that crazy woman...

I wander aimlessly in the forest, relieved to finally find some peace of mind. In the quietness of nature, I can rest my mind. Both wolf and woman, beast and witch, I can find a gentle balance here. I don't feel as uneasy, as torn by my two identities as before. I like my white human hair almost as much as my white fur. With magic, I feel the nature around me even more intensely, as if it was greeting me, so soothing.

My steps push me toward a part of the forest I recognize. It should be around here... I find it. From afar, I recognize the rock Luna acted so strange about. I must have made a detour from the house. A bit curious, I approach that thing. I wonder what word made her cry so much. What would make a witch so sad? She only ever cries about that rock or my mate. I can understand her crying over my mate being gone, but why a rock? Is that another one of the humans' strange customs? I step closer, hoping to finally get an answer to a question that was lying around my mind for quite a while now...

I shift back into a human so I can read it and understand. I stop in front of the rock. It takes me a little while to read, this time. Is it because it's carved in stone? It feels like the letters are moving, dancing and confusing my eyes. I force them to read. It's just one word, so why is it so hard to figure out…?

Liam.

...What is Liam? It's odd. Why does that name feel so familiar... Liam. I know Liam. Liam is a... It's my... my mate? No, it doesn't make sense. My mate doesn't have a human name... My mate is... No, wait, why am I so sure? My mate is Liam. Liam... Liam Black. What is this? That truth is engraved in my mind, so set in stone I can't shake it off or ignore it, not even for a second. Like a hammer pounding in my head. Liam, Liam Black is my mate. Each time I think about his name, about him a little more, my heart races. Liam, Liam, Liam... What... Who is Liam?! Why can't I remember him…? Who... Why... Why would my mate's name be there? What is that... What is that stone? What's going on…?

As if to echo the storm in my head, a headache breaks in, and I stumble back, utterly lost. I don't understand. The name on that tombstone, it... it's almost glitching, like something's wrong. No, something is definitely off about that thing. My mate... My mate is dead. Liam is... Liam is not dead. If Liam was dead, I... Oh, Moon Goddess, it hurts so much just to think about it! I can't! I can't, I can't imagine for a second that Liam is gone, no. It's impossible, I wouldn't... Oh, how could I…?

"What is it?"

I turn around. The witch is there, staring at me with that cold look in her eyes... Something's off. She's standing at a careful distance, and there's something odd about her, something different from before. My heart accelerates a bit, wary. I feel danger, restless. I look around. The forest is still the same, but my gut tells me something is off about all of this as well, all my surroundings shouldn't be trusted. What does that mean? Why did that tombstone... make me feel like this?

She steps forward, but I growl, as a warning. I don't want her near me, or near my mate. ...Wait, what am I saying? My mate is dead, so why would I think…?

"What is it, Luna?" she asks, tilting her head. "You look confused."

"Don't... call me that."

"It's your name. Luna. You chose to take my name, remember? You're Luna."

"No."

I growl, pissed for some reason. This isn't my name, this isn't... true.

Mara!

Who the hell is calling me?! This voice just keeps coming to my ears, again and again, like some distant echo I can't ignore. I feel so drawn to that male voice, to this... feeling. This thing in my heart, that feels just so warm and so good. I want to see you. I want to see my mate, find my mate. I need you...

"We will find him, together," says the witch, gently.

No. I don't trust her. Something's off about her, and I just trust my instincts, the instincts that warn me to stay away from that woman... I growl again, warning her not to approach. I know something is off, and I won't let myself get trapped in this lie. I just... want my mate. I step back again, closer to that tombstone, but... that's not my mate, I know it in my heart. My mate is alive, I haven't lost him. My mate... My Liam.

"Enough, Luna, let's go back."

I don't trust her, and I know she lies.

"What have you done to me?" I growl.

"Nothing. You're like me now. There is nothing here."

"What is that?" I ask, glancing at the tombstone.

This time, she stops and chuckles.

"This? Don't you already know, Luna? It's your mate's. You know it, right? He is dead. I killed him."

Those words hit me like a dagger in my heart. No, no, no, Liam isn't dead. I don't believe her. I can't believe her. Liam isn't... I can still feel him! There's no way my mate is gone. I need to ignore her words. Each time she speaks, her voice... I even forget that other name each time she calls me Luna. I'm not Luna...

Mara! Mara, answer, please!

I smile, keeping my eyes closed. That's right. That's my name. Mara. My name, so bright and so warm, like... like a flame. That's right. I'm Liam's mate, Mara. I'm not Luna.

"Enough," hisses the witch. "You're coming back with me. I killed your mate."

"No, you're lying."

"It's the truth," she continues. "I killed your mate, Luna. I killed the wolf you loved so much, I killed the one you loved the most."

I feel my heart aching, my throat tightening, the tears coming up to my eyes. No, no, I can't believe her. I can't give in. This... This isn't my pain, she's just trying to make me feel like it is, to confuse me. I need to get out of here...

Mara, wake up, please! Mara!

How do I wake up? I'm not asleep! I'm awake, and trapped here!

"...Liam?"

Mara! It's me, babe. Come on, come back to us, please. Wake up! Mara, wake up!

How do I wake up? How do I get back to him? I ought to remember. I keep my eyes closed, trying to ignore what I hear, what I feel. That snow under my feet isn't real. This cold isn't real, neither is the sound of the leaves rustling in the trees, or the sounds of the forest. I can't trust any of this.

Liam... I need to focus on Liam's voice. I feel him. Moon Goddess, it's so strange, but also... so warm. I smile without thinking, absorbed by our bond. I can feel him... His warmth, his presence by my side. He's here, he's alive, and he's with me. I am alright. I feel... his hand on my shoulder. I smile and grab it. It's faint, but I can feel his large hand, his gentle fingers grabbing mine back. Moon Goddess, I'm so relieved. He's really there... I can feel him, my inner wolf feels him too, like we're complete again. Oh, I feel like crying...

"Stop it!" she screeches. "Your mate is dead, and I–"

"Stop lying!"

I finally open my eyes, and this time, I'm sure. The snow, the forest, none of this is real. Whatever she did to me, I can see through it now. Perhaps because I know, everything now feels... so fake. I can see her illusion wavering. Everything turns into some weird shades, like an image unable to settle in my eye. The only thing that doesn't change is the butterfly. I see it fly and land on the tombstone. It flaps its wings a couple of times, and I stare at it, like my only point of focus.

"Stop your stupid illusion trick," I growl.

This time, she just stares, but... the witch. She's not real either, is she? I can see through her lies, now. This is all... fake. I take a deep breath.

I am Mara Jones, Liam Black's mate. It all comes back to me now. Moon Goddess, how long... have I been here? I was really in the she-wolf Luna's place. All this time I spent here, in this illusion... I've been here for years! No, no, it can't be. As the panic rises, the hand on my shoulder seems to fade away. I try to hold on to it, but the anger, the pain comes back to haunt me. I didn't leave them behind. I couldn't have. I didn't... I look around, hope to see a sign, something, anything to help me out of this nightmare. I want to see my mate, I want to know he isn't dead, that everything's alright. This is a dream, but doubt creeps in, to make me waver, and I can't stand it.

My eyes finally land on the butterfly. That blue, mesmerizing butterfly, that looks so peaceful and pretty inside this nightmare. I take a deep breath.

"...Help me," I whisper.

It flaps its wings, just once, and suddenly takes off, flying to me. I put my hand forward and, as soon as it lands on my finger, a wave of relief comes over me. Not just that, but all of my memories come back too.

Silver City. Kelsi, Ben. Nora, Selena, the Black Brothers... and Liam.