Page 34 of His Blazing Witch (The Silver City #3)

September 17

I'm still unsure why I decided to start this journal. Maybe it's the perspective that I'm bound to die soon, or about to do something crazy: survive.

If someone other than me ever reads this, then... Well, I guess it means I'm gone. I don't think anyone would be sad over it, so that's fine. Maybe Amy will be. I was surprised when my older sister agreed to help me. I never asked her for anything, she never asked me for anything, and that was our relationship for the last fifteen or so years. If I'm gone, she would be the only one I'd miss. I think she liked me a little. Probably.

I came to Silver City to find something about Mom. I have been researching witches for so long, but recently the first concrete proof I ever found about living witches led me here. It would have been easier if Father cared just a little to help me know more about Mom, but he doesn't. I won't miss him. I won't regret writing that either.

I have very few memories about my mom and the dreams I have about her tend to blur what I think I do remember. I can't tell what really happened from what I dreamed about. Maybe it's both. I try to do as much as I can to remember everything, because I don't have anything but my stupid brain to remember her by. Father threw away everything I had when I was taken to live with him. I only managed to save that one old picture that was in my backpack. I miss Mom. I miss our days together in that small house. We didn't have much, but we were happy. I even thought about going back, but I'm afraid that would only make me miss her more. Plus, Father could stop me from it.

At least now, I have something to focus on. I registered at the university and picked some courses randomly to throw Amy and my father off. If they know what my real aim is, they'll drag me home right away. I don't want that. The first class is tomorrow, I really hope that it's what I'm looking for.

September 20

It feels a bit strange to be in a city half-filled with werewolves when all I care about are witches. I tried to ask around and there definitely was a witch living in the area. However, it seems like she died... I really wish I could have met her and asked her if she knew anything about Mom. According to Mom, all witches are bound to each other. Unless they are some kind of failure like me, I guess.

October 3

I found a girl to come live with me. Her name is Kelsi. She's a bit of a weirdo, but she's nice and she doesn't seem to ask too much about me either. She keeps to herself, which I'm fine with. I think she did try to be friendlier, but hiding my state isn't compatible with getting closer to my roommate. I can't blame her for trying.

October 7

My health is strangely stable since I came to Silver City, which I'm really grateful for. I hope I can hold on for a while longer. I couldn't find anything about my mom, but the classes about paranormal manifestations are amazing and I feel more connected to her each time I learn more about witches overall. I just wish I can finish the year.

October 18

Professor Vutha helped me get some new books, they’re fascinating. I couldn't stop reading, I almost forgot about this journal. I've been devouring each volume and spending nights reading them, learning witchcraft symbols, magic circles, names of demons, all the history of witches. I may not have any magic, but I'll be the most knowledgeable human about witches for miles around at this rate.

October 23

I think I might run out of time sooner than I planned. I coughed up a lot of blood last night. I'm glad Kelsi was out because it took forever to clean.

October 25

I don't know what to do. I'm feeling so sick this time. I almost called Amy, I don't know what to do. My lungs are literally killing me. I'm scared I'm going to die alone and someone will find me like this, in my bedroom. I don't want to die alone. I'm scared. I'm really scared.

October 26

I decided to write my will. I'm not sure what I own, but I want my sister to have it all. I wish we had been closer.

November 1

I don't know why I felt better this morning. Way better. Last night, I could have sworn I was going to die and I was going crazy but now it’s stopped.

I almost did the unthinkable to stop suffering. The pain was just too much. My lungs were on fire, my head was spinning, I could barely walk. I was cold, so cold no one would believe it. I couldn't feel my body and yet, I'm sure I had a crazy fever, because I was sweating like a pig. I barely remember what really happened. I went to the bathroom on all fours, threw up everything I had, and sat down in the bathtub. I remember I began filling it, thinking I'd rather die fast than in pain.

I must have passed out, but I have no idea what happened after that. When I woke up, I was still in the bathtub and it was full, but it had stopped before overflowing. I didn't even take the razor blade, so when did I think about stopping the tap? Maybe I hallucinated more than I thought...

November 5

There's definitely something weird going on. The pain is back, but now I'm hallucinating too. I thought it might be the meds, but nothing was changed and if anything, I've been taking less of them. So what the hell is wrong with me?

November 6

I heard it again. That voice in my head. I don't know what's going on. Am I going crazy?

November 9

I keep thinking about those circles I was drawing the other night. Could it be possible that I did something wrong with it? Or actually did some magic? Despite everything I know, I didn’t think I could actually do this if it wasn't for the fact that I do have that voice in my head. It just comes and goes. I feel like I'm not alone. It's warm and not really scary. Just strange. Really strange.

November 16

I haven't heard that voice in a while and the pain is back. Is it strange to say I miss her? I don't know what I had done to get that voice in my head, but at least while she was there, I was feeling less pain.

I'm sure something happened last time while I was drawing those circles. I need to ask Professor Vutha and try again. I feel like this might change everything.

November 20

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Nothing happens anymore and I'm dying.I'm really dying.

November 25

I don't want to suffer like this anymore.

Mom, I'm so sorry. I know you told me to be strong, but I don't want to be sick. I'm tired of being sick, of being in pain. It hurts. It just hurts so much. No one cares about me dying. I'm just tired.

November 26

I keep writing in this journal as if someone's going to care. As if my life ever mattered. Who will read this? Who will ever care about Clarissa, the freak? I don't want this pain. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I don't have anywhere to go, anyone who cares. I'm alone.

I've been alone since Mom died.

I should have just died with her.

November 27

I went to class like a robot today.

I held on until now. To the fact that maybe, something will happen. That you wouldn't want this. Mom, I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss you, I miss the way you used to hug me when I was scared, or when I was just tired. I miss your smile and your gentle hands. I don't even remember your face correctly. All I have left is your voice, your voice when you called me. I miss you so, so much. I just want to be where you are.

I don't want to fight anymore, Mom. I don't want to suffer. I don't want to live among all these other people who don't care. I feel lonely. The world could be destroyed tonight and I couldn't care less. This world is just meaningless, it keeps spinning without me and I can't keep up.

I don't want to be saved. I just want this to be done and over with. I want to go back to the past. I just want this to stop, I don't want all this pain. It's fucking painful to live, Mom. Why me? Why couldn't I be born normal? My body hurts, my lungs hurt, my head hurts. My body's failing me. Did you know this when you gave birth to me? That your baby would live with this much pain? Did you wish for a healthy baby?

My head is aching. I can barely see what I'm writing, yet I'm holding on to this pen and this notebook like I'll die if I let go. It's the middle of the night, and no one can feel lonelier than I am right now. I don't want to fight, why would I? No one cares, Mom. They live their lives without caring about people like us.

I'm scared.I'm scared of what comes next, once this is all over. Is it as peaceful as I think? If so, I'd let myself die right now... I'm just scared I won't find you once I open my eyes again. I don't want to be alone, even in death. It's so stupid. I've spent my whole life alone. I just wish someone would care, just enough. I just want someone to hug me, comfort me.

I don't want to disappear without anyone caring. I love you, Mom, I miss you. Was it painful when you left? I remember your face. Death doesn't look like death, it just looked like you went to sleep and didn't wake up. I wish you had woken up. They dressed you in white and they knew none of your favorite colors. I wanted to keep holding your hand.

I don't want some stranger to bury me. I don't want to be forgotten. I just wish everything would be alright... They'll talk and they'll make whatever they want of my death. I wish you'd do magic just once more, make me believe again. Now, I'm just all alone, both going crazy and lonely like crazy.I'm tired.

I think I understand why people die now. It's not too hard to let go, it's just harder when no one holds you back. No one is holding me back, are they? I could die tonight. I've thought about death so many times, Mom. I wonder if she's gentler with witches.

November 29

I guess this is it. I don't want any more of these nights crying alone. I'm sorry, Mom. I tried, I really tried, but I just don't want to stay here and wait for death. The pain is just too much and meds won't help. It's okay. I'll be fine once the pain stops. There's no saving me, anyway. I'm just taking a head start, handing back the time I had left.

If I'm reborn, I wish I was a cat. I could lie in the sun and have people love me, hug me. Is it a strange thought? I want to believe there's another life waiting for me. I want another chance. One where I won't have a painful and lonely life. I just can't take being alone again.

It's alright, Mom. I'll just close my eyes and it will be as easy as going to sleep. I won't suffer again. I'll be fine.

I'm sorry, Mom. I just miss you too much and there’s no one here for me. I'd rather go to the other side. If there's just the slightest chance I can find you, I'll come to you. I want to see your smile again. See you, Mom.

January 17

Mom, we're getting there.

She's with me. Mara appeared and she saved me. Do you know what she said? “If you don't want your life anymore, give it to me.” I didn't die, Mom, I'll just survive a little longer. Mara's just like me. She's so much like me! She missed her mom so much too, and she stayed behind. She waited for an opportunity, for someone like me to help her. I can feel her all the time now. She's with me and when I need her, she helps me.

Together, we're stronger. We'll find the answers, we'll do what we can. I just want to help her, like she helped me. We will survive together. I know we can do this. I'm fighting, Mom, I'm fighting so hard, you'd be proud of me.

I'm learning witchcraft, I'm doing my best. I'm not a witch, but I'm your daughter. Mara's showing me all I can do, I never knew I could do so much! I'm feeling so much better now, Mom. I just want to hold on until we can finish this. I have a purpose, I want to help Mara before I go. I feel like I found my other half, Mom.

I don't know what she really is and sometimes, she even scares me a little. But she's my friend. She's with me when I need her and she shows me the way.

January 22

Mom, tonight I did real magic for the first time!

I cried, I was so happy it worked. Mara warned me it's dangerous, but that's okay, I can do this. It's not even real magic, just a little witch spell. Don't worry, I remember what you taught me. I'll be a good witch, no matter how weak I get.

Mara is doing her best to get stronger too. We are just trying to find a way. We'll be together and everything will be just great, Mom. I'll be fine. I know I will be fine.

January 29

I didn't want to write today, but... Things aren't going the way we wanted. I really want to believe we can make it, but... we're running out of time. My body is aching so much again, Mom. It's painful. I want to keep living. Mom, I want to survive. I don't want to die!

February 3

Mom, I wish you could help us. Mara is worried I'll die before we can find a way. I'm scared too. I really don't want to die yet, Mom, I'm so scared now. I can't believe I wanted to die.

Now I really have something I want to do. I want to be a real witch just like you, I want Mara's powers. Why is it so unfair? Why couldn't she simply be reborn? I'm trying things I didn't want to try, Mom, but I'm just terrified. Please forgive me. I just don't want to die. I don't want to die. Mom, help me, please. If you're watching over me, I hope you'll help me, we'll find a way. I just want to survive. I don't want to die. I promise I'll endure the pain, I just want to live a little longer.

February 6

Were you scared to die, Mom? I'm so scared. I don't want to give up on Mara. I wish our dream would come true, but it doesn't seem that way. I don't know how much longer I have left. It's getting harder to hide from my roommate. The only moment I feel fine is when I'm submerged in water... I've been spending all my time in the bathtub or the pool these days. The pain subsides a little when I'm in water, but... it kills Mara.

I don't want to kill her. Does it have to be her or me? I thought we could do it. I really thought it could work...

Why couldn't we have been born with the same sign? If she had been a Water Witch, it would have been so much simpler... My body can't take fire, her soul can't take water. We're like polar opposites, yet desperate to live together. She's my only friend, Mom, the only one I ever made. I don't want to give up on Mara. She's saved me so many times and there's so much she didn't get to do too. It's so unfair.

February 13

If anyone finds this journal... Please save Mara.

She didn't deserve what happened to her mother. She just needs someone to be with her. This is so unfair. She doesn't know her story. She didn't get to meet her mom, to live her life. Why? Why did people do this to her? She doesn't deserve to be haunted like this. She just wanted to live.

I probably won't be able to help her. I'm just so sorry. I wish I had done one good thing, in this short life of mine. What an idiot I’ve been. I wish I had found her earlier. I wish I hadn’t written all those things, wish I hadn’t done all of this. Why is it that we can't meet halfway? Why does one of us have to go? I don't want to die, but I don't want to lose Mara. I just can't. I wish we had found the solution.

Hopefully we find one before it's too late.

"Are you alright?"

I lift my eyes up from the journal to meet Liam's worried expression and realize I'm crying. I take a big breath, push a few strands of my hair away from my face, and nod.

"Yeah... Yeah, I just... reached the end of it. It wasn't a happy one..."

"...Can I?" he asks gently.

I nod, erase the glyphs, and hand him the journal. Liam grabs it and leans against his bike next to me, getting absorbed in it while I sniffle and try to calm down. We just left the pool and stayed in the parking lot; I couldn't wait any longer to read the journal. Shit, I didn't expect that... I barely got to the end of it. I look down at Spark purring against my ankle and I reach down to grab my cat, suddenly feeling the urge to hug him.

He seems all happy in my arms... Is he the manifestation of Clarissa's wish in some way? At least, this journal gives me the beginning of an answer to many, many things. Clarissa's train of thought was much more tragic than I’d imagined. How many times did she actually... consider killing herself but kept going? I can't fathom how much pain she must have been in. Some of her sentences were hard to read because her handwriting was so shaky, or blurred by the tears that spilled on it. You could feel her emotions engraved in the worn-out pages more deeply than on her actual words sometimes. I truly felt like for a few minutes, I was Clarissa, I was taking her spot, and experiencing a glimpse of her life.

I wished she had turned to Amy or Kelsi earlier.

Maybe it's easy for me to say but I have a feeling all she really needed was the support of at least one family member or a friend. I consider myself to trust people too easily and I've been mistaken sometimes, but... Clarissa probably needed this more than I do. I let out a long sigh and put my head on Liam's shoulder, feeling strangely tired after all this. I can't tell if it's from using my magic earlier or going through Clarissa's life but I suddenly feel like I'm exhausted. I'm glad Liam is with me, I don't know how much worse I would have felt if I had to read this alone.

"Wow," he says after he's done reading it. "That's... depressing."

"Yeah, I noticed that too. At least we learned a lot, though."

He nods.

"Do you think Clarissa is... I mean, you're obviously alive and well but..."

"I know what you mean. I think she... I think Clarissa did die in that fire. Whatever she was trying to do with... Mara, it didn't work or she didn't have the time to. Something happened in that hangar. The last entry to that journal was merely a few days before my accident, it's not a coincidence. Clarissa was running out of time. Either she tried something very dangerous and things went wrong or she was triggered to do that."

"You think she didn't intend that fire?"

"You read her journal, Liam. Clarissa didn't want to die. I don't think she would have lit that fire unless she had a very good reason to do so, or no choice. Actually... she probably wasn't even the one who did it. I think... I think Mara took over and while Clarissa did die, that Mara is still there."

"Wait, what do you mean, Mara is still there?" he frowns, turning to me. "...Is she the crazy voice?"

I hesitate. Is she?

No, I don't think so. The Mara I saw in that mirror and the way she spoke to me, it was different from the voices. She didn't have that strange, evil feeling in her. I mean, seeing a reflection other than mine in that mirror was creepy, for sure, but I didn't feel any evil from it, unlike that disturbing feeling when I get the voices.

I step away from the bike, still holding Spark, and glance at a little puddle a couple of steps away from us. Will I see the other Mara if I look at my reflection once more?

"No, she isn't. It's different from the voices I get. To be honest, I still don't really trust Mara, but... I don't think she has any ill intent."

"...You're speaking as if you can... talk to her," says Liam.

I nod.

"Sort of? She actually appeared... a couple of times in mirrors. She takes the place of my reflection. It only happened twice though and she only spoke during the latter. It didn't make much sense either. She just said she was dead and that she had missed me."

Liam remains quiet for a few seconds, looking baffled. I can't blame him, that's a lot... Is he freaked out or something? Maybe I shouldn't have told him so much, it's definitely too creepy...

After a while of me getting nervous and him not saying anything, he finally takes a deep breath, puts the journal down on his bike's seat, and turns to face me. I'm a little bit intimidated by his serious expression all of a sudden and a bit relieved that there's a cat between us. The sky is starting to clear up above us and Liam's eye is turning bluer with it... which intimidates me even more. I'm glad Spark is covering my chest because my heart's trying to thump out of there. Liam glances down at the cat, but he quickly puts his arms on my shoulders.

"Can I hug you?" he suddenly asks.

I'm so surprised by his question, I open my mouth like an idiot and don't know what to say. As if he had understood, Spark jumps on the bike leaving us alone and licking his fur. Traitor... I'm left defenseless and I find myself nodding, a bit unsure. What's wrong with me? Aren't we supposed to be beyond hugging? It's Liam's fault, why does he even ask and put me in that kind of heart-storm situation?

He sighs and steps forward, wrapping me in his arms. Moon Goddess, that feels great... He's all warm under his jacket and soon all my worries disappear as I curl up against his chest. Damn, I should ask Spark how to purr. We stay like this for a little while without moving and I wonder what's going on. Not that I'm complaining...

After a while, Liam steps away, leaving me all hot and confused.

"...What is it?" I ask.

"I just... felt the need to hug you all of a sudden."

"...I'm not Clarissa," I mutter.

"I know. It's not about Clarissa. It's not about that but... when you start talking about speaking to dead girls in mirrors and all that witch stuff, sometimes I feel... helpless. It's like you're going to disappear and leave me alone. The other Mara or Clarissa... I'm scared something is going to happen and the Mara I know is going to disappear in those flames or with some of that magic stuff going on."

Wow, I did not expect that... I glance at the journal. I guess it does come as something a bit heavy for a non-witch... or is it because of what happened to his ex? Is Liam scared he'll lose me too? I just... I'm happy he's still willing to be by my side, I didn't even expect him to have those insecurities. I thought he might grow afraid of me, not... afraid of losing me. I step forward and as brazen as I can be, I gather my courage to grab Liam's shirt. I hold on to it and pull him closer, putting on a little smile.

"Hey, don't worry. I'm not letting you go," I whisper.

After a second, I'm glad to see my cheekiness finally put a smile on his lips. His shoulders relax and soon, he wraps his hands around my waist. Oh, I'm in trouble now... A delicious hot shiver goes up my spine just from that. I had forgotten how large his torso is from up close, or how strong his arms are... Well, I'm definitely not going anywhere now.

Liam tilts his head.

"Oh, really? ...Going to hunt the big bad wolf?" he whispers, leaning a bit closer.

My heart's going for the rollercoaster ride again. I blush seeing his face coming so close.

"I'll put a spell on you," I chuckle.

"Please do..."

Just like that, we finally lose that awkward feeling between us and naturally reach for each other's lips. Liam gently kisses me and holds me a bit closer. It just feels so good to finally be able to properly kiss him again, after all of this. It's much more intense than the little peck from earlier. I missed that taste... I shamelessly let go of his collar to wrap my arms around his neck, holding him closer. Is it bad that I'm going crazy over his slightly wet hair?