Page 25 of Here in My Heart (Here Together #2)

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

The cool air rushed at Sylvie’s cheeks as she disembarked the high-speed train at the Gare de Lyon. “Welcome to Paris.” She grinned at Isa and took her duffel bag.

“Delighted to be here, especially with a local to show me the best sights and sounds.” Isa made a jazz hand motion. She’d made it clear for the past three hours that dragging herself all the way north on the train was a chore. “Let’s get this over with.”

“It will be fun, I promise. I’ve managed to squeeze in some things to keep you entertained beyond the conference.” Nerves fluttered in Sylvie’s stomach. “But first, I need to get my speech over with.”

“You have nothing to worry about. You know your subject inside out. And you’re a natural public speaker; people follow your every word.”

“That may be so. But it doesn’t mean I love every moment.” Sylvie had overprepared. She’d rewritten the paper so many times she’d lost count. And she’d practiced her opening in the mirror for two hours last night.

“Then why put yourself through it?” Isa asked.

Sylvie had churned over that question all night. Because she’d never get that promotion if the board didn’t take her work seriously. “I need the kudos.”

“But you do this kind of stuff in your sleep. What’s really eating at you?” Isa asked as they made their way to the line of taxis.

Sylvie shrugged. “The pressure’s getting to me. There was a time when I would turn up, give a talk on my latest topic of interest, and think nothing more of it. Now it feels like my very position depends on how many stars the audience gives me in their feedback. ”

“Damn those surveys.” Isa groaned. “They should measure us by how many students keep coming to our lectures. We’re outranking all the old fucks by three-fold this semester.”

“True. And we cost a third as much, no doubt.” Sylvie gazed out of the window as the streets of Paris sped by.

Nothing had changed since her last visit almost a year ago.

The same drab lines of shops suddenly burst into a fit of sophistication.

Its people hurried along, draped in style and confidence.

Even the sky’s shade of steel dripped with class.

“Do you miss it?” Isa asked.

“A little.” Sylvie’s lips twitched. “Less these days.”

“Well, that’s a relief.” Isa turned to face her in the back seat. “Anything to do with our recent addition at the faculty? A taste of the USA?”

Sylvie stared. “Must you tease me for the whole trip?”

“I can’t help but be intrigued. Surely you don’t hold that against me.”

“I don’t.” Sylvie said.

“So how was it?” Isa wiggled her eyebrows.

“Lovely. Ade’s family is a delight to be around. One of her fathers is a little intense, but he means well.”

“I can’t believe you’ve met the parents. Serious business.”

“Don’t make more of it than it is. If your parents were in town, I’d meet them too.” Sylvie hoped the brush-off would work. Deep down, she’d loved hearing about Ade’s roots and seeing a different part of her.

“You can kid yourself all you like. I know that look.”

“We’re here,” Sylvie said, grateful for the chance to change the subject. “Let’s check in before we head out somewhere for dinner.”

“Of course.”

“I bombed. You know it. I know it.” Sylvie sank further into the pit of her self-pity with every step.

“You didn’t bomb.” Isa sped up to keep pace as they marched along the bank of the Seine.

Sylvie pulled her scarf tighter, annoyed that winter had started to show its face. Not that she’d admit it, but there was something to be said about the mild temperatures of the south.

“I witnessed the entire thing. You could hear a pin drop while you were speaking.” Isa nudged her elbow.

“It wasn’t the speech. It was the questions.” Sylvie stomped her heel.

“You’ve got to admit; it was a fair question from the crowd. Feminism really has moved on since the days of Woolf and de Beauvoir.”

“You think I don’t know that? That’s the entire premise of my book. I’ve spent my professional life explaining this.” Sylvie put her head in her hands. “Let’s get on the boat.”

The water taxi approached the dock, and they joined the back of the queue.

“Thank God, there’s a bar.” It was a little early, but Sylvie needed to take the edge off her nerves. “I’ll get the drinks while you get a seat. Don’t venture outside: that’s just for tourists.”

Isa glanced at her watch. “Why not? I’ll have a Kir.”

Sylvie bought their drinks and returned from the bar. She stepped over several backpacks, taking care not to spill the filled glasses, and collapsed into a low seat.

“You know what I didn’t grasp?” Isa asked. “Why that woman back at the conference was so angry.”

Sylvie raised her eyebrow. “I think they’d prefer ‘person’ rather than ‘woman.’ That was the point.

They felt that historical feminism didn’t represent the whole story.

It’s too narrowly focused on the gender construct of ‘being a woman.’” She sighed.

“I get it. I do. So much of the old narrative is about protecting women against the prejudices of men. But it’s much more nuanced than that.

Now traditional theory is being weaponized by some groups to attack other queer people. ”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Not in my name,” Sylvie said, squeezing her hands together with the frustration of not getting her point across well enough back at the conference. “You know, Ade would’ve totally gotten where that delegate was coming from. She’s really opened up my eyes to the flawed binary.”

“In what way? Is Ade non-binary?”

“She’s whatever she wants to be.” Sylvie swirled her drink, smiling to herself at Ade’s unique, mysterious magnetism. “I like that in a way I never expected to.”

“She’s never mentioned it.” Isa’s brow furrowed.

“I guess it’s easier to let these things go than address them head on. Ade doesn’t like to attract conflict.” Sylvie gulped her flavored wine.

“But why are people using old theory to create even more prejudice?” Isa asked. “I don’t know why everyone just can’t support each other, whatever their identity.”

Sylvie closed her eyes, allowing the boat’s rocking motion to calm her.

“I don’t know. Older women, many of them lesbian, fought long and hard for women’s rights.

I guess they see themselves and their hard-fought identity being diluted by a kaleidoscope of genders.

” She coughed. “I don’t agree with it. I think it’s flawed and wrong.

But having digested a lot of feminist theory, I can see why people are pissed off sometimes. And misinformed.”

“Are you feeling better?”

“About my speech? I suppose so. But it doesn’t make me feel better about the world. What the fuck is wrong with people?”

“I don’t think we’re going to fix that this evening.” Isa tilted her head. “But I’ll allow you to escort me somewhere special so we can take our minds off it.”

“Deal.” Sylvie sank into the seat and watched the Parisian landmarks float by. “I’m sorry that I’m being such terrible company.”

“It’s no big deal. To be honest, you’ve been out of sorts for a while now. I thought it might be just work stuff, but you seem to be turning yourself inside out with this Ade business. What is it with you and her?”

Sylvie couldn’t find the words to explain how she was feeling. She’d gotten far too close to her new colleague than she ever should have, and her heart ached.

“I really like her,” Sylvie said, accepting that honesty might be the best option.

“My God, we’ve had a breakthrough.” Isa’s laugh rattled through the hull of the boat, attracting the attention of the passing tourists.

“Shh.” Sylvie waved her hands, trying to temper her reaction. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I’m glad we can finally have a proper conversation about it. It’s been so painfully obvious to anyone who’s been around you the past couple of months.”

“It has?” Sylvie shrank. That stung. She’d been so convinced in her performance that even when she doubted herself, she never thought anyone else would see her true feelings. “Do you think Ade knows?”

“Unless she lives under a rock, it’s pretty clear that you have a thing for her.” Isa’s brow furrowed. “Except, she is kind of oblivious to even the most basic of vibes.”

“Oh God, yeah. She needs things completely spelled out. No doubt.” Sylvie laughed, her body aching with a magical blend of pride, intrigue, fear, and lust for her new friend. “I think that gives me an edge.”

“An edge on what? Are you trying to hide this from her?” Isa asked.

“Well, yeah, of course. It would be extremely awkward if it became a thing between us.”

Isa looked baffled. “Would it?”

“Absolutely.” Sylvie exhaled, growing impatient with Isa’s questions .

“What makes you think it would be a negative thing?”

Sylvie fell silent. She didn’t know. But it couldn’t be anything, could it? She blinked away the remnants of last night’s fantasy: the dream of holding Ade’s hand, touching her cheek.

“Sylvie? Why would it be a disaster if something happened between you two?” Isa asked.

“It wouldn’t work. I’m practically her boss while she’s here. She’s only in town for a year. It’ll be over before it starts.”

“You’re writing you both off? Isn’t that a little presumptuous given Ade hasn’t had a say in this?” Isa shot her a challenging stare. “And don’t give me all of that ‘boss’ and ‘employee’ bullshit. We both know that’s not what this is.”

Sylvie sighed. “We’re almost at our stop.”

“Have you ever had a proper relationship?” Isa asked.

The answer was a simple no. Sylvie had never invested herself in another person.

She hadn’t ever found anyone worth giving up her time, her energy, her brain power, and her heart for.

“You know the answer to that.” Sylvie stiffened, not wanting to rake over her failure to truly open up to another person. Ever.

“Indulge me.”

Sylvie stood, ready to disembark. “No, I haven’t ever had a proper relationship. You think that means something? You think that’s the key to unlocking my heart?”

“I think that you admitting you’ve never unlocked your heart for someone is a step in the right direction,” Isa said. “I was talking about your pants.”

“Don’t be crude.” Sylvie laughed. “I’m scared that she doesn’t feel the same way. It’ll all fizzle out in the end. Or my heart will be broken when she goes back to California. It all takes up too much of my time when I have a book to write and classes to teach.”

“That’s real progress.” Isa folded her arms with satisfaction.

Why did the burden of Sylvie’s feelings continue to grow heavier?

The noose of unexplained emotions tightened around her collar.

She couldn’t articulate this to herself, never mind Ade.

The whole thing was becoming impossible and messy.

Sylvie needed a simple life and time to focus on her work.

Distractions of the heart were a waste of time and energy.