Page 77 of Hell Bent (Portland Devils #5)

INFLECTION POINT

Sebastian

I didn’t spend the day crying into my beer. I’d been disappointed before. I’d been disappointed plenty. If there was a hollow place in my stomach, that place was familiar. I watched Alix walk out, paid the check, took a breath, and told Ben, “I need to clean out my locker. Want to go with me?”

“Seriously?”

“Sure. We need to talk anyway.”

“Yeah,” he said. “Maybe you should do it better than you did with Alix, though. What did you even say to her?”

“Never mind. Let’s go.”

The locker room was busy. It also felt completely different than the 49ers’ locker room had at the end of the season last year, when we’d fallen short in the wild card game.

That had been a pretty quiet, businesslike operation.

Today, men were joking, laughing, shouting across the room to each other.

Ben stopped a yard inside the door and said, “Wow.”

“It’s just some guys on a football team,” I said. “Come on. I’ll introduce you.”

Fifteen minutes later, I was tossing deodorant and body wash into a duffel, pausing every thirty seconds to shake a hand, when Harlan loped in.

He had Nick by the hand, and when he saw us, he came straight over, gave me a one-armed hug and slapped my back, then stepped back and said, “Hey, Ben. How you doing? Oh. This is Nick.”

“I know him,” Ben said. “I mean, I’ve seen him a bunch. At the games. He recognizes you on the field. It’s kind of amazing. That a little kid could do that, I mean, with your helmet on and everything.” And turned red from the neckline of his T-shirt to the roots of his curly hair.

Harlan said, “Yeah? Jennifer always says so, but I figured she was just massaging my ego.”

“She do a lot of that, does she?” I asked.

“Not so much,” Harlan said. “Why is that?”

“Maybe because your ego’s big enough already?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “That’s the one.” He grinned, then said, “Hey, Ben. Sebastian said he’ll give Annabelle some soccer workouts later on, once he’s taken time off, gone on vacation or whatever.

It’d be good if you came along for that, if you’re interested.

You can probably do a lot more with two people.

I could join you myself. Cross-training’s always good. ”

“Uh … you mean at your house?” Ben asked.

“Why,” Harlan said, “did he get something other than that high-rise apartment while I wasn’t looking?”

“No,” Ben said, “but we might. I’ve been kind of looking at houses.” Then turned red again and glanced at me.

I thought about those possible contract offers and said, “At some point, we’ll do that.

Want to do the soccer thing with us? It’d be good.

Fun to use my skills a little, especially since nobody will be there to tell me that I suck.

” Trying to be light, trying to make Ben’s new life work for him.

At the moment, it was feeling like a heavy lift.

“Sure,” Ben said. “That’d be good, I guess.” He’d stuck his hands in his pockets, trying desperately to be cool .

“Great,” Harlan said. “Where are you off to now?” he asked me. “Or do you hang out in Canada during the offseason?”

I’d opened my mouth to answer, but Owen was there.

More bone-crushing hugs, more thumps on the back that practically took Ben to his knees, and when Nick tried to pull away from his dad to get to Owen, Owen grabbed him and threw him overhead as Harlan said, “Careful. You could end up on diaper duty.”

“I’m a rancher,” Owen said. “Diaper duty’s not a problem.

” He held Nick in one big arm, grinned at Ben, as relaxed as he hadn’t been yesterday, and told him, “Got to be prepared to wade in the manure. Folks start out trying to walk around it, but by the end of the first day, you realize it can’t be done.

That’s why they call the boots shitkickers. And speaking of that?—”

“Speaking of manure?” I asked. “Were we doing that?”

“Nope,” Harlan said. “We were trading vacation plans, though, and Owen’s plan is to go back to the ranch and pull calves out of cows all day in the freezing cold.

No accounting for taste. I helped once, and all I can say is, no thanks.

I’m taking Jennifer to Paris, myself. She wants to see Scotland, too, but Scotland in February?

I live in Portland. I get enough rain in my life.

We’ll do the Scotland deal this summer, before training camp.

Give me something good to remember, take my mind off the torture. ”

“Which is what I was talking about,” Owen said. “You’re going to help me with my camp again, right?”

“You bet,” Harlan said, then explained, “Football camp for kids. It’s a whole deal. It’s amazing nobody’s written a song about Wyoming in June, it’s so romantic.”

“Seriously?” Ben asked.

“No,” Owen said. “But I thought I’d see if I can rope you in, too, Sebastian.

Some of the guys come out for a few days— the camp’s a week long, so whenever it works—and give me a hand.

Never had a kicker, and that’d be real good, especially for the older kids.

You’re welcome to stay at the ranch. I’ve got a couple of guest rooms, and so do my folks. It’s a family compound.”

I thought about uncertainty, about Ben and school, about football. Man, life got complex. “Pretty sure I can do that,” I said.

Owen grinned all over his bearded face, and this time, he slapped my back so hard I about fell over. “Well, good,” he said. “Great. If you want to come along, Ben, you’re welcome. I can always use another hand with the kids, especially the little guys, and you seem like you’ve got a good heart.”

“Uh … sure,” Ben said, turning red again. “That’d be great.”

“It won’t be all work,” Owen said. “Got some mighty nice horses you can ride, for one thing. Dyma’ll be there, and she’ll show you how.

She’s turning into a real nice little rider.

I’m sure looking forward to June.” He focused on me again, then.

“Forgot to ask where you’re heading off to. Not Wyoming, and probably not Paris.”

“No,” I said, feeling clumsy. Feeling stuck. “Haven’t decided. Alix is, uh, working.” I glanced at Ben. “And Ben and I have some stuff to do in Vancouver.”

Owen’s face softened. “I didn’t think of that. Yeah, I don’t imagine that’s going to be much of a vacation. You’ll be having a service for your sister, I guess.” He looked at Ben again. “For your mom.”

I should have talked to Ben about this. Too many things to focus on, but that was no excuse. “Yeah,” I said. “That’s one of the things we have to figure out.”

“Well, hey,” Owen said. “When you get that set up, let me know, and I’ll come up. It’s good to have friends around, times like that. ”

My chest tightened, and there was a lump in my throat. Beside me, Ben was frozen. Harlan said, “You bet. We’ll both be there.”

“We’ll be OK,” I said. “I won’t mess with your time off like that.”

“Nah, man,” Harlan said. “Like I said, Owen was there for me all the way. It made a difference. Let us know when, and we’ll be there.

” He put a hand on Ben’s shoulder briefly.

“Tough times. You need something, you let me know.” Then he took Nick back from Owen and said, “I’d better go clean out my locker before that diaper disaster happens.

Let me know about the soccer plans, Sebastian. And the rest of it, too.”

When we got into the car for the drive home, Ben said, “I wasn’t expecting them to be so nice.”

“Yeah,” I said. “It’s a good team.” And got some more of that squeezing in my chest. I didn’t know how to balance all this.

Ben, the team, Alix … how did you make all that work?

And if Alix didn’t want to make it work, what then?

I told myself, One thing at a time, but it didn’t help as much as usual.

I told myself, Radical impermanence requires radical acceptance, and that didn’t work, either.

“I can’t wait to see Lexi,” Ben said.

“Yeah,” I said. “I bet she can’t wait to see you, either.”

Silence for a good five minutes. I was just thinking he might have fallen asleep after his big night out when he said, his voice low, “I didn’t even think about that. About a funeral, or whatever.”

“I didn’t do it for my dad,” I said, and the words ripped a little, coming out from that stuck place.

“I didn’t know how, and I thought I didn’t want to.

I figured it would just hurt more.” Ben moved restlessly beside me, and I said, “But I think I was wrong. I think it helps. Saying goodbye. Making that … that break. Lets you feel just as bad as you need to, lets yo u think about your mom, everything she was to you, how much you’ll miss her, and makes it easier to go on afterwards.

She had friends, too, I’m guessing, who’ll want to come.

So I figure we’ll do that.” I paused. “If it’s OK with you. ”

“Yeah,” Ben said. “Sure.”

“We’ll talk it over,” I said. “Figure it out. Or you can have me plan it. Whichever.”

“OK,” he said. “What about the house?”

“Oh. Uh … I didn’t realize you’d started looking at houses, too. I thought it was just schools.” Man, this was getting away from me. I couldn’t hold all these threads together.

“No,” Ben said. “My house. I mean—my mom’s house.”

“Your house,” I said. “And I know it’s too early to have to grow up this much. I get it. Do you have thoughts about it?”

“I’m not sure what thoughts to have,” Ben said, which was honest.

“OK,” I said. “I’ll start. Jump in any time.

” When I’d thought, I’ll think about that after the Super Bowl, I hadn’t meant right after, but here we were.

“The way I see it, you have two main choices. Sell it and invest the money, and you’ll be set to get your own place once you’re out of college and sure about where you want to settle.

Or if you’re not ready to let it go yet, we rent it out with a one-year lease, invest the profits, and every year after that, you have that same chance to decide whether you want to sell.

I don’t think the Vancouver real estate market’s going anywhere. ”

“Is it stupid to rent it out instead of selling it?” Ben asked. “I mean, money-wise?”

“Doesn’t seem like it to me. I’ll tell you what, though.

I’ll find a lawyer up there, one who knows about Canadian taxes, and a realtor, too.

We’ll meet with both of them when we head up there, ask all our questions, get an idea what kind of numbers we’re talking about.

Then we’ll talk to my financial guy. You can’t make a good decision without all the information, so we’ll get all the information. ”

“Alix could go with us to those meetings,” Ben said. “With the lawyer and the realtor. She knows financial stuff, investments and things. That’s what she used to do. I’d rather ask her questions, because she doesn’t make me feel stupid.”

“We’ll see if she can come, then.”

“Why wouldn’t she come?” Ben asked. “She’s coming for the funeral and whatever, isn’t she?” Sounding almost alarmed.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m sure she is.” And wasn’t sure at all.

How do you plan for the future when you can’t see anything clearly? Radical impermanence is a whole lot easier to deal with when you’re the only one dealing with it.

A guy can’t live in the moment forever, though. And I had a feeling this was an inflection point.