Page 61 of Hell Bent (Portland Devils #5)

DOING ROMANCE RIGHT

Sebastian

I said, “Boy, you sure know how to make a guy feel better.”

“It’s a gift,” she said, and I couldn’t help smiling. I also added, “But you’re still wrong.”

She said, “Look. We have a few hours. The chef hasn’t even finished our dinner yet, and there’s no movie. Let me help you figure out how to get OK with the Harlan thing.”

“That’s the only option, getting OK with it?” I said. “That is not the only option.” I shouldn’t be thinking about myself. I should be thinking about Solange, but what would I think? “I’m sorry she’s dying?” Well, obviously. “I’m sorry Ben has to go through this, because it’s going to suck?” Ditto.

“All right,” Alix said. “I’m going to help you get started right now.

Call it brainstorming. First, I’m going to remind you that you’re not a lone wolf anymore, because you’ve got Ben now.

You have Lexi, too, for that matter. You’re practically a suburban dad.

Your mind just hasn’t quite caught up to your life. ”

“And there’s you, of course,” I said.

She waved a hand. “I don’t count. I’m a girlfriend. Funny how girlfriends never count, huh? Like, you can rely on me, you just can’t think about relying on me. You have to tell yourself that I’m relying on you.”

“Hey,” I said.

“If the shoe fits,” she said. “Though I’m not sure how you get past me going with you to Vancouver. I’ll let you pay for some more stuff. How about that?”

I rubbed my face, and she said, “If it’s too much, talking to me, I’ll go sit up front with Ben. I do seem to have a problem doing romance right.”

“But then,” I said, “so do I.” And took her hand. That felt good, so I kept holding it. “I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for coming. Guess I could start by saying that.”

Her face softened, getting that sweet princess look. “And I couldn’t be anywhere else. So, hey. What could you do for Harlan that wouldn’t make you feel so much in his debt?”

I shrugged. “He asked me to help Annabelle with her soccer. Not exactly worth tens of thousands.”

“Is that what this costs? Tens of thousands? OK, I can see how that might instill a sense of obligation. But first—weren’t you paid millions to play soccer?”

“Well, yeah.”

“And private coaching from an elite soccer pro isn’t worth anything?”

“Not that much, it’s not,” I said. “Not to me.”

“So you need to somehow feel like you’ve reimbursed Harlan,” she said, “without reimbursing Harlan and insulting him.”

“You said that, not me. I still think I should reimburse him.”

She stared ahead of her, frowning, turning the wine glass in her hand, and I sat back, took a sip of beer, and watched the wheels turn. I was kind of fascinated, to tell you the truth. Where would she go next ?

She asked, “What does he care about?”

I blinked. “What? Pretty obvious. His wife. His family.”

“No. What else?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “He doesn’t share that much.”

“Right, then. This plane has to have wi-fi.” She pulled out her phone. “Time to research.”

“I don’t want to know,” I said fast. “I know there’s bad stuff out there, because he said something about it, but I don’t want to know something he didn’t tell me.”

“Right,” she said. “OK. Ten minutes.” So I drank my beer until I decided to rest my eyes for a minute. It had been a pretty adrenaline-packed day, and tomorrow wasn’t going to be any easier.

I jolted awake to voices beside me. The flight attendant had covered the table with a white cloth and was setting plates in front of us.

Harlan hadn’t been kidding. Steak and salmon, plus asparagus and thin-sliced crispy potatoes, and suddenly, I was starved.

I picked up my knife and fork and told Alix, “You’ll have to do your research after dinner, I guess.

I just realized I haven’t eaten much since breakfast.”

She smiled. “The research is already done. Since you were out for forty minutes.”

I stared at her. “I was not.”

“Yep. You were.” She cut a bite of salmon and ate it. “Wow. I’m going to have to start doing all my travel on private jets with personal chefs. This is good. Downright silky, and this fish wasn’t farmed.”

I had to agree, since I was trying not to inhale my own food. “Adrenaline’s tiring, I guess.”

“It sure is,” she said. “So are you ready to hear my ideas?”

“Go for it,” I said, though I wasn’t sure what kind of ideas were possible here.

“Two things, then. Help for veterans, because Harlan does some work with disabled vets, and domestic violence. A women’s shelter, something like that.

Portland has a few good options. The domestic violence thing might be a little sensitive, though.

You said you didn’t want to know, so I’ll just say that it might hit too close to home. ”

“For what? What am I doing here?”

“You make a donation in his name. Don’t give him a dollar amount, so it’s not like, ‘Hey, dude, thanks but no thanks, because I paid you back.’ You just say something like, you appreciated his help and wanted to do something to pay it forward, so you made a good donation to a cause you thought might mean something to him.

There’s a group in Portland that helps vets who are homeless or at risk, but you can check out all of them and pick the one you like.

See, that doesn’t insult him, but it lets you keep your pride. ”

“You said ‘brainstorm,’” I said. “I distinctly heard ‘brainstorm.’”

“My brain stormed. And, see? Homeless vets. About as good a cause as you can get.”

“Brainstorming,” I reminded her, “is when you both offer up ideas, and somebody writes them on a board. It’s a team project.

” The steak was medium-rare, tender, and flavorful, with a sort of mustard-butter sauce that worked for me.

Also, I seemed to have another beer. Bad idea to drink two with the conference championship next week, but I could keep it to half of this one. That worked.

“Oh,” Alix said. “All right, then. Pretend I didn’t say anything and have this brilliant idea about homeless vets yourself. It can dawn on you suddenly.”

I laughed. I hadn’t thought I could, but I did. “No, I’ll take that. That’s pretty brilliant, actually.” I paused, then said, “I donate quite a bit. Locally, wherever I am. I don’t normally mention it. Not sure why I’m doing it now.”

Her hand was on my arm. “And nothing about that surprises me. That you do it, and that you don’t make a big deal of it.

Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me.

And I don’t think I’ve told you this enough, so I’m going to tell you now.

Probably a good time anyway, since I just insulted you.

I’m proud of you, and not just for the game today, though that was amazing.

Not just your skill, but your composure.

None of that could have come easily. But I’m more proud because everything that’s happened lately is something you didn’t ask for and didn’t plan for, and you’ve stepped up anyway.

With Lexi. With Ben. With your sister. Even with me. ”

“Well,” I tried to joke, “it hasn’t been too much of a strain to accommodate you in my life. In fact, I’d call that one easy.”

She said, “Stop raining on my big speech,” and I smiled and ate some more steak.

“I guess I want to say one more thing,” she said, “and then I might fall asleep myself, because this is my second glass of wine I’m finishing here.

I know you’re dreading this. Not just for you, but for Ben.

But I’ll be right there with you, doing everything I can. I promise. I’ll be there.”

Alix slept most of the way to Portland, and I was glad.

I headed forward to check on Ben after a while, and found him watching a movie on his phone with his headphones in.

I asked, “Doing OK?” he said, “Yeah,” and didn’t look up, and I thought, What am I supposed to say here? and couldn’t come up with a thing.

It hit me on the way back to my seat. Ben on his phone.

Ben watching TV and doing not enough else.

Ben having feelings, and Ben going back to school as soon as I could manage it, because my attorney had told me on Friday that the paperwork had finally gone through.

It would be waiting for me at home, and this thing was about to get real.

The paperwork might say “guardian,” but I was going to have to figure out how to be a parent, and I wasn’t ready.

I don’t know why that hadn’t really hit me before. It had felt temporary, I guess. It wasn’t temporary anymore.

When you don’t know what to do next, do the thing that occurs to you.

I went back to my seat and started making a list on my phone.

School enrollment. School search? Clothes.

Figuring out where to live. Was the Pearl District good enough, long-term?

For that school thing, especially? I didn’t want him to have to change schools again.

I needed to figure all that out. And when the panic rose in me like sickness, I told myself, You’ll do it one step at a time.

You’ll figure it out, and kept going. I didn’t have to think of everything now.

When I thought of new items, I’d add them.

One week, two weeks, a month, and my new life would emerge.

A life with a nephew who’d have to be more like a son, or I’d be doing it wrong.

All right. That one had me taking some deep breaths. One step at a time, I reminded myself, and then I coped in exactly the same way as Ben. I put in my headphones, pulled up a thriller movie on my phone, and stared at it until we landed in Portland.

Hey, it beat panicking.

Alix

I woke up because it was quiet. I was sleeping on Sebastian’s shoulder, and I devoutly hoped I hadn’t been drooling. I said, “Are we here? What?”

Sebastian said, “In Portland. Stay here. I just have to go grab those passports from Thomas.”

He stood up and pulled on his jacket, and Ben came back to us and asked, “Where are we?”

“Portland,” Sebastian said. “For the passports. ”

“I have my passport. Why do we have to stop?” Ben’s hair was sticking up more than ever, his shirt was rumpled, and he looked so young and defenseless.

“Because Alix and I don’t have ours,” Sebastian said.

“Man,” Ben said, “how come we can’t just get there?”

“Ten minutes,” Sebastian said, then headed out the door while Ben stood first on one foot, then the other.

I said, “Come sit on the couch with me.”

Ben said, “I don’t need to?—”

I said, “We’re not having a talk. I just figure, if I’m going to be on a private jet with a couch, I might as well sit on the couch. Not like that’s going to be coming my way again anytime soon.”

Ben did it, at least, and I said, “This whole weekend feels surreal. Like—jerked back and forth. Roller coaster.” Valerie came over with coffee, and when she’d left, I said, “See? I mean, we had chocolate torte with salted caramel sauce for dessert. I love chocolate torte, not to mention steak and salmon, and now I’m on this couch, but … it’s weird, that’s all.”

“I thought we weren’t going to be having a talk,” Ben said.

“We’re not. I’m talking.”

“I have to listen. That makes it a talk unless I, like, ignore you.”

“Ha,” I said. “Possibly true. I will now stare straight ahead and drink my coffee and enjoy my temporary couch, how’s that?”

A minute passed, and Ben said, “I don’t know how I’m supposed to be feeling.”

“Yep,” I said.

“Like, I kind of know how I will feel. But right now, nothing seems exactly real.”

“Because it’s not. You’re not in the moment yet.

You’re anticipating. Not the same. People make a big deal about how you shouldn’t anticipate, how you should only live in the present, but they’re wrong, at least for me.

Anticipating is kind of like rehearsing.

It gets you ready. Also, I can’t help it. ”

“I don’t want to be ready,” Ben said.

“Nope,” I said. “Nobody does.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say, but fortunately, that was when Sebastian and the copilot came back on board.

Sebastian, the copilot, and Lexi.

The dog practically tore the leash out of Sebastian’s hands in her rush to get to Ben, her feathery tail going in wild circles and that Golden Retriever smile on her face.

His arms went around her, she put her paws on his thighs and bunched her muscles to jump up, and I was laughing, yelling, “Stop! She’s muddy! Don’t let her get on the fancy couch!”

Sebastian was laughing, too, but Ben wasn’t.

He slid straight down onto the floor, and Lexi climbed into his lap and started licking his face.

Now he was laughing, and maybe crying a little, too, his hands and face buried in her fur.

Both of them on the floor, wrapped around each other, holding on like there was no letting go.

Some things, dogs do better than people. And Sebastian was quite possibly a genius.