Page 65 of Hell Bent (Portland Devils #5)

CLEAN SLATE

Sebastian

The next evening, Ben said, “Most people don’t go for hikes at night. Just saying.”

I stuffed my hands into my jacket pockets.

“Probably true. Got my head lamp, though, and Lexi’s happy about it.

” It was after six, and we were walking the dog in Washington Park while Alix took some rest time at home, because she’d come back from work claiming she felt “so much better” and not looking it.

We hadn’t waited more than a few minutes at the ER last night, either.

They’d hustled her on in there and started that infusion, because bleeding disorders, it turned out, weren’t really all that minor.

I shelved that for another time, feeling some sympathy with her mom, and focused on Ben. “I didn’t tell you yesterday, but I’ve signed the paperwork. I’m officially your guardian.”

“Oh,” Ben said.

“It’s not forever,” I said. “Just until you’re eighteen.”

A longer pause, and then he said, “OK.” Muttered it, actually .

I stopped a second, and he bumped into my back. “Sorry,” I said, and kept going. “All right,” I decided, “I’m going to lay it on the line.”

“I got it, all right?” he burst out. “You didn’t even want kids, and I’m not your kid anyway. You’re doing it as a favor to my mom. But thanks for, like, pointing that out two days after she died, because I didn’t already feel bad or anything. Your timing’s great.”

I said, “Let’s go walk on the sidewalk so we can see each other.”

“What, so you can make me feel better? Good luck with that.”

“Sidewalk,” I said, and took the spur trail down there.

Ben didn’t much want to walk beside me, I could tell, but I slowed down enough that he had no choice.

“I screwed that up,” I told him. “I thought I’d been straight with you, but obviously not, because we haven’t even come close to having this conversation, and we need to. ”

“I don’t need to have a conversation,” he said. “I told you, I know how to take care of myself. Are you ever planning to bother figuring out how I can go to school, or do I just keep on being home alone with no friends except a dog? Because that’s going great. Thanks for asking.”

I said, “There’s a bench. We’re sitting down.”

“I don’t need to—” Ben started, but I said, “Sit,” in my most commanding tone. Lexi sat, so that was one. When I sat on the bench myself, though, Ben finally joined me. At the extreme other end.

I said, “Look. Could you wipe the slate, just for a minute, of what you think I feel and want and plan for you, and try to listen?”

He muttered, “Fine.” Arms crossed.

“First,” I said, “I get why you’re mad. My dad died when I was seventeen, which was about the roughest thing I’ve ever had to handle, and I went into foster care for almost eight months until I turned eighteen.

After that, I would’ve been on my own, trying to figure out how to finish high school while I was homeless, but I signed that soccer contract and flew to Newcastle instead.

I’d never even left Canada before, and I was scared to death. You know how that all came out?”

He said, “You realize this isn’t talking about me.”

I ignored that. “It came out as me being mad, that’s how.

I was mad at everybody. My dad. The doctors.

The school. The foster care system, and the crappy group home they stuck me in that was more like juvie.

I was mad because I was scared, and I couldn’t feel scared.

Feeling scared is for guys with parents. ”

“I’m not scared,” Ben said, predictably.

“OK. You’re mad. Like I said, I get it. So it’s time for me to lay it on the line for you.

You’re right that I never thought much about kids.

What did I know about raising a kid? I could barely remember being one, and I didn’t have any parents to ask.

And then your mom called me, and I met you again. ”

“Yeah, that went great,” Ben said. “When you left me the first night.”

“Yep. That’s my bad. What I should’ve done was trusted my teammates when they offered their help.

Owen told me we could arrange for you to stay at Harlan’s that night, and you could’ve gone with his family to the game the next day.

But I didn’t know either of them that well then, and I don’t trust people easily.

I’ve always figured it was up to me. I should’ve realized that it wasn’t about me and what I wanted anymore. ”

“Yeah, right,” Ben said. “Like that wouldn’t have been awkward, being at somebody’s house that I didn’t know at all.”

“Oh, come on. You wouldn’t have wanted to hang out at Harlan Kristiansen’s house?

He’s got a game room. Pool table, ping-pong table, foosball table.

Got a competition-size heated pool and a basketball court and a putting green and a gym and a home theater.

That is one ridiculous house, plus he’s Harlan Kristiansen.

You’d have been hanging out with a girl, sure, but she’d have been Annabelle, so … ”

“Dude,” Ben said, “it isn’t all that comfortable being around girls like that.”

“All right. I concede that. That is one seriously good-looking girl. But I could’ve done that, and I didn’t. I could’ve talked to you more since then about plans, too, have asked you more about plans. I got kind of … caught up. The season. Your mom.”

“Alix,” Ben said.

“Alix,” I agreed.

“Except Alix is OK.”

“Yeah,” I said. “She is.”

“She gets, like, pissed off,” Ben said. “Like my mom. She’s not fake.”

I had to laugh at that. “Yep. She sure does. The woman is direct. But hey. I want to talk to you about schools, about how to work that, but I need to say this first. At the beginning, I freaked out some, yeah, about taking you. I knew I had to do it, but I didn’t know how to do it.”

“I noticed,” Ben said.

“Bet you did. But I learned. The hamburger count isn’t where you’d like it to be, but I feel like we’re getting there.

Getting used to each other. I’m glad I had to take you up to see your mom, for one thing.

That’s been hard, but I’d have been kicking myself forever if I hadn’t been able to see her again.

” I paused. “And I’d have been kicking myself more if Alix hadn’t been there to convince me that you needed to see her again. ”

“OK.” Ben was rubbing Lexi’s ears now, and Lexi, for her part, was leaning into his legs, giving him as much of a dog hug as she could manage right now.

“I thought you were, like, mad about that,” Ben said after a minute, not looking at me.

“Having to take me on your one day off. With your football job and Alix and all.”

“No,” I said. “No. It was hard as hell to be there, that’s all, because it was like being with my dad.”

“Because he died too.”

“Yes.” I hesitated, then thought, Say it.

“Because taking care of him while he died was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and it’s been kind of a …

like a wound. Alix bleeds into her muscles, and it hurts.

That’s what it’s felt like. Like I’m bleeding into my muscles.

And I’ve tried to hide that, the same way Alix does, because I thought that was strong, not showing you’re hurting.

If I never showed weakness, I thought nobody could hurt me.

But nobody could help me, either, I realize now.

I was kind of a … self-contained system, and that’s a pretty lonely way to go through life.

Never asking for help, and probably never giving enough help, either.

Focusing on doing my own thing, taking care of myself. And then—boom. Everything changed.”

“Like how?” Ben was listening, anyway. I had this blank slate, and it was up to me to fill it with something he could hold on to.

“I got Lexi, for one thing, because no choice. I didn’t tell you, but I was at a rest stop, coming up here from San Fran, and a guy dumped her right in front of me.”

“What?” Now Ben was looking at me.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’ve seen all these bad things, you know, but that was one of the worst. He told her to stay and drove off with her looking after him, all confused and hopeful and skinny.

Middle of nowhere, off the freeway, nighttime.

So I had to take her. Of course, I tried to dump her first myself.

Called around, but I figured out pretty quick that they’d just put her down, and I couldn’t do it.

So I took her instead, and guess what, it was great to have her.

Then I met Alix, and that was some more of that new life.

She didn’t want anything to do with me, except that she liked me, even though she didn’t want to.

I liked her, too. I liked her a lot. That night when your mom called me? ”

“Christmas night,” Ben said. “Man, that Christmas sucked.” His feet moved restlessly. “Except she was there. My mom. I didn’t realize that I’d—” He stopped.

“Yep,” I said. “It’s complicated as hell.

Well, that night was Alix’s and my first real date.

So, yeah. I was like you. I was overwhelmed.

I was out of my element. And it took me a while to even figure out how to step up.

I wouldn’t say I’ve got it down yet, but at least I’m learning. And the biggest thing I’m learning?—”

OK. This was it. “I’ve learned that I care a whole lot about you,” I said. “I like you, and it matters that you’re my nephew. You’re not just some kid, and I want to do this thing right.”

He looked away. “You mean it’s your duty. Like being on the team. You’re big on doing the right thing, blah blah.”

“What the hell? No.” I’d raised my voice some, and I lowered it with an effort.

“I’m trying to tell you that I want you.

That I haven’t had a family for about fifteen years, and now I do.

You’ve given me my family back. You’re my family.

And I know it’s too soon to say it. That you may never want to hear it.

But if you decide you want it at any point, I’d like to adopt you. ”

“What?” He was sure looking at me now. “Why?”