Page 103 of Heartland

And maybe it will all go bad. Things usually do.

Not tonight, though. Rickie and Chastity look so comfortable that it’s too tempting to sit down and watch dreck just to soak up a little of their inexplicable optimism.

The holidays are coming on fast. I’m not a big fan of Christmas break. It’s a lot of togetherness. Three weeks of getting on each other’s nerves. And then there’s the ache of spending another Christmas without my dad.

I force myself to walk away and head upstairs.

Thirty-Two

Chastity

All my lifeI’ve known that keeping secrets is hard. But it turns out that keeping secrets from Leah is the hardest.

Even from forty miles, I feel queasy about it. Sitting here in the coffee shop on the velvet sofa, I’m reading Leah’s latest email on my phone. Dylan is sitting right beside me, his hand draped over my knee in that casual way I used to see it draped over Kaitlyn’s.

Life is good. Really good. Except for the guilt I’m feeling as I read.

Where are you? I called last night. I know exam time must be tricky but please call me back because I’m worried about you. Also, I have news about the foundation! We’re really excited over here.

I tap the reply button, but then hesitate because I don’t know how to justify my behavior. In my former life, I lied all the time. Or at least I committed sins of omission. But I did it to protect myself. If anyone on the compound knew what I was thinking about during church, I would have been beaten.

And then I slipped up a couple times and proved that theory right.

But those lies were told for survival. Lying to Leah feels awful. She’s been nothing but kind to me.

Still, I’m not ready to share how often I’m in Dylan’s bed instead of my own. Now I’m the one who barely comes home to the dorm anymore. I keep a toothbrush and a change of clothes at Dylan’s.

I’ve basically taken Kaitlyn’s place as Dylan’s sexually fulfilled, somewhat insecure girl of the moment.

Sorry Leah!I reply.Spending a lot of time at the library.I’ll try to call you tonight. I want to hear about your foundation!

“Leah? Or Ellie?” Dylan asks without looking up from his book.

“Leah. I’d better sleep in my own bed tonight. That way I can see Ellie at dinner and call Leah.”

He looks up. “You could just tell her, you know.”

“Maybe.” But my reply lacks conviction.

“Wouldn’t that be easier?” he presses. “My mom still thinks I’m dating Kaitlyn, by the way. I haven’t corrected her, but I feel like a heel.”

“I’m sorry. Let me think about it,” I hedge. But in my heart of hearts I know I’m not there yet. Leah won’t judge me, exactly. But she’ll shower me with both questions and concern. She’ll ask about birth control, and she’ll probably make noises about Dylan’s lack of interest in relationships.

I don’t want the questions, and I definitely don’t want the lecture. Because I already know he isn’t the kind of guy who ties himself down.

Birth control is a good idea, though. I have an appointment tomorrow to take care of that. Dylan is a faithful user of condoms, but I know I need to own my part in it.

Rickie sets a tray on the coffee table in front of us, and then flops down on the chair we saved for him. “That line! This is why I hate exams.”

“That’syour reason?” I ask. “I hate exams, because I hate exams.” My hands get all sweaty just thinking about finals next week.

He shrugs. Rickie doesn’t ever seem to worry about school. I don’t even know if he goes to class. It’s just one of the many things I don’t understand about him.

“Yay, coffee,” Dylan says, reaching for one of the two enormous cappuccinos on the tray. They’re served in bowls instead of cups.

“That thing is huge. You’re going to be up all night.”

“That’s kind of the point,” Rickie says.