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Chapter Four

Llywelyn

When I woke up, the first thing that came into my mind was him .

James. The way he looked under the moonlight, how sad and lost he had looked.

How nice it was to help keep him warm and to make him smile.

How I wanted to do it again. Thinking of him also led to another problem this early in the morning, and I could see it tenting the duvet.

When I moved my hand downwards to do something about it I accidentally disturbed the covers, letting a draft of cold air in and killing the mood completely.

I groped down toward the carpet and grabbed the pyjama trousers covered in rainbow coloured elephants and pulled them on under the covers. I might have been living by myself for a couple of years now but I still couldn’t walk around my own house naked.

I rolled out of bed and shivered. It was definitely a very cold morning.

I crossed my arms over my chest and walked into the kitchen.

Dinky got out of bed and ran around my feet until I let her out into the garden for a pee.

I put the kettle on top of the stove and turned on the gas, holding my hands nearby for just a little bit more heat.

The kitchen, like the rest of the house, was old fashioned with rough whitewashed walls and dark beams crossing the ceiling.

The tiny table for two in the corner was all I had space for. I usually ate alone anyway.

The kettle started whistling and I poured myself a cup of tea. I grabbed a piece of bread and started eating it. Some days toast just felt like too much effort.

There was a knock at the door and Dinky ran back in, yapping at the door like she could intimidate anyone.

“C’mon, guard dog,” I said as I nudged her aside with my foot.

I checked through the frosted glass at the top of the door before opening just in case I needed to put a t-shirt on. Seeing who it was I unlatched the door.

“Hey!” said my sister as she sauntered in like she owned the place. She had always been very self-confident and brash and wasted no time now. She brushed past me into the kitchen, touched the side of the kettle to check it was still hot and helped herself to the coffee in the cupboard.

“Alaw, how lovely to see you, make yourself at home.” I gave her a mock-glare but she didn’t even bother to pretend being sheepish. She set her mug down on the side and picked up Dinky, who was jumping desperately up at her and scratching what looked like expensive leather leggings.

“Sorry Llyw, you know how it is. Busy busy busy.” She smiled and scratched between Dinky’s ears.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” I asked. “I didn’t think you’d be back here ‘til Christmas.”

“Oh, just stopping by…” she said idly. Her ears went red, so I could tell she was holding something back. She’d tell me the truth soon enough anyway so I didn’t push. “I just wanted to come and see my little furry niece whilst I was in the area.”

“Do you want me to go to your car and grab your luggage?” I asked. “Will you be staying tonight?”

“No, no worries. I have somewhere to stay.”

“Seriously, I’ll sleep on the sofa and you can have my bed. It’s no worry.”

“You still haven’t moved into Mam and Dad’s room?” Alaw’s voice was full of pity.

“No, not yet. Just got some stuff to sort out.” I didn’t want to talk about it past that. “Anyway, if you have somewhere else to stay it doesn’t really matter.”

“Yes, I do.” Alaw’s tone also said she didn’t want to talk further on the matter. I reached for my mug, she reached for hers, and we both took a sip. I waited for one of us to break the stalemate but she didn’t seem inclined to move. I took another gulp before opening my mouth.

“Fine, you’re right. I don’t want to sort Mam and Dad’s room because it feels too soon.”

“You’re still sleeping in your single bed?”

“…yes.”

“We need to find you someone to share that bed with, maybe that will kick you into gear,” Alaw said. I very deliberately didn’t say anything, tried looking like I had nothing to hide.

“Oh my God. There is someone isn’t there? Where is he?” Alaw plonked Dinky down on the kitchen floor and ran with cuppa in hand to check my room. Disappointed, she snuck a cautious glance into Mam and Dad’s room too. She turned to look at me, and walked slowly back into the kitchen.

“So,” she started, “who is he? Are you serious? Is it Tudor, because you said you were only friends but I’d get it if you did fancy him, he’s pretty fit isn’t he?”

“It’s not Tudor.” I hesitated before continuing. “It’s not anyone really, I’ve got no chance.”

“Hm. Seems likely. What’s his name?”

“No, no. We’re not having this conversation,” I said.

“You keep your secrets and I’ll keep mine.

Anyway, I’ve got to get going. I have a school building to fix up and things to do.

” I locked the back door and put my mug in the sink.

“Text me if you want a catch up, or just come over. I’m always here in the evenings. When are you heading back to Swansea?”

“I…I don’t know yet,” said Alaw. When she saw the concern that must have been obvious on my face she continued. “Honestly, it’s nothing to worry about. I just want to check that I’m right before I make any big pronouncements. Please don’t stress.”

I would worry, of course. I always worried about my little sister even if she was much more accomplished than I would ever be, much richer and more independent living in Swansea.

It was my job as an older brother. But if she told me to stop worrying, I’d try my very best to.

I kissed her on the cheek. “Seriously, I have to get dressed and go. I’ll see you later. Don’t get into too much trouble now.”

◆◆◆

I drove the van into the middle of the village, where the little school sat right on the edge of the river.

I, like everyone else who had grown up in the village had gone to Hiraeth’s only primary school.

I hopped out of the van and grabbed my tool bag, and want to walk through the school gates before spotting a familiar face, looking very lost.

James was stood by the edge of the river and gazing in like he was hoping it held the answer to life itself.

“Hi,” I said lamely. Every time I saw him he looked even better, and felt more tongue tied.

The winter wind rippled through his light brown hair and slightly reddened his cheeks.

He was wearing a different pair of jeans - ones that fit him well, as well as a cable-knit cream jumper over a shirt.

He turned to look at me and smiled. My breath caught. “Hi,” he said back. “We need to stop meeting like this.”

“What brings you to this part of the village?” I asked.

“Boredom. Nain is watching Loose Women and I’m stuck using this phone at the moment so I can’t even browse Facebook for the latest.” He held up an old looking flip phone.

I put the tool bag down and walked nearer to him. Close up I could see that the bruises I had noticed before had started ever so slightly fading. As if by some instinct, I reached my hand to his face and brushed along his jawline. He looked at me with an expression I couldn’t work out.

“Sorry,” I muttered. “Don’t know what made me do that.”

“No, it’s fine.” James smiled. “I suppose I should tell you what brought me here.”

So he did. He explained his clubbing, being mugged, being left with nothing.

“So I came here in clothes borrowed from the hospital with fuck all money to my name, because funnily enough the banks don’t want to take money from your savings when you have no driver’s licence or passport,” James said.

His cheeks had flushed even more now, from cold or anger I didn’t know.

I put one arm around him with a bit of hesitation and rubbed one shoulder.

He relaxed into my grip and leaned into me a little bit.

“What makes me really angry,” he said with a sniff, “Is that they didn’t need to do this.

” He pointed at his face, where the bruising was.

“The doctors have confirmed there was rohypnol in my system. I couldn’t have fought back.

They must have dragged me into the alley, stole my stuff and kicked the shit into me because they could.

” He stiffened a little bit and leaned away, like he had realised he was still talking. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“It’s fine, honestly. Whenever you need a friend to talk to I’m here.” I gave him my most convincing smile. Inside I wanted to hunt down whoever had hurt him and make them regret it.

“Thank you,” he said. I felt like the smile I got in return was just as fake.

“Llywelyn!” called a female voice. I turned to see Mrs Hayward, the deputy head of the school, walking toward us at a brisk pace in her little stiletto heels. “Ah, and Mr Brown! I was wondering when you’d turn up, why don’t you come inside to the staff room. I’ll introduce you to everyone.”

She was looking right at James, who spluttered and seemed to be trying to form a response.

Before either of us could say anything, she had grabbed into his arm and pulled him towards the school, chatting about the staff without giving him room to correct her mistake.

He looked back briefly at me with panic in his eyes.