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Chapter Six

Llywelyn

“How do I look?” I asked Tudor, who stood behind the bar cleaning glasses.

“Fine,” he said. “For the seventh time tonight.”

I hesitated. Had I really asked that many times? But then Tudor smirked, and I flicked a bit of beer foam on the bar just to piss him off. “One more pint of liquid courage?” he asked and nodded at my half-full glass.

“No, I’m keeping a clear head. Don’t want to mess this up. Not under any circumstances.”

“Hoping to get lucky, are we?” Tudor smirked again, and I shook my head without keeping eye contact.

Once upon a time, people had thought he and I would make a good couple - perhaps because we were the only two openly gay 16 year olds in town and because we were best friends.

But he was too much like me, and I was not my own type.

“How’s business?” I asked. Tudor ran the only hotel in town, a beautiful old manor that was starting to fall more and more into disrepair as it saw no new visitors.

Tudor shook his head. “Not so good, Llyw.” He put one of the glasses back on the shelf. “No one visits little villages with no train link and nothing special in them to differentiate them. If you want the sea, you’ve got the whole coastline of Wales. Who’d want to visit here?”

His words hit a bit of a nerve. I’d been feeling that way with James.

I was a reflection of this town. I’d never wanted to move out, never looked beyond it.

There was so little special about this place that he’d avoided it for almost twenty years.

Would he avoid it for another twenty when he was done?

“Penny for your thoughts?” Tudor took the pint glass which I hadn’t realised I had finished, and washed it. It seemed to be a compulsion, now I thought of it. He had washed at least twenty glasses since I’d come in and I was the only customer.

“Just…feeling inadequate, is all.” I scratched at a little spot on the bar before continuing. “Why didn’t I ever want to get out of here, see the world? Study past 16, gain a trade?”

“I don’t know, Llyw. I wish I could help you there, but I’m the same.

I wish I could leave this old place to rot.

But Mam would never forgive me, and the hotel is still ours to pay for whether we look after it or not.

” Tudor looked sombre for a second. “Hey, aren’t you meant to be meeting lover-boy in five minutes? ”

“Shit.” I grabbed my coat from the back of the chair and threw a five pound note at the bar. “I’ll see you later!”

I ran from the bar, through the little lobby and out of the door. The hotel was up a steep hill from the rest of the village and that helped as I basically threw myself down it to get to Glynis’ place on time. I was never late for anything, and I wasn’t going to be late to this. Whatever this was.

I made it to Glynis’ house with a couple of minutes to spare. I let my breathing calm down for a second and knocked the door as gently as I could. I saw my reflection in the glass of the door and did my best to flatten my hair was I saw shadows approach.

Glynis opened the door and looked me up and down in a way she never had before. She judged everyone, of course - she thrived on gossip and drama — but I had never seen her look at me like she wanted to dissect me.

“You look after him now Llywelyn,” she said.

“O-of course,” I stuttered. I didn’t want to get on her bad side, but most importantly, I knew I had to look after the man stood behind her.

He wore one of the knitted jumpers I’d started to associate with him since I first saw Glynis picking them out for him in the charity shop, and his hair was ruffled, but not as wind-blown as when I’d first met him.

I wanted to mess it up even more. He was holding my coat in one hand.

“Hi,” he said quietly. The tension was thick in the air, and it seemed like neither of us knew how to talk any more after the kiss. Now we knew we both wanted more.

“Hello,” I said. Glynis looked between the two of us like she was watching the world’s slowest and most boring tennis match.

“Come on now,” Glynis yanked James’ arm and pulled him in front of her, out the door. “You have a key if you’re back late.”

The door closed behind James, and then we were out together in the cold. “Hello,” I said, then realised I’d already said it.

“Hello again,” James smiled. I couldn’t help but smile back. “Shall we go?”

“Um, sure.” I offered him my arm. He threw my coat on over his shoulders then took my arm.

“Where are you taking me?” he asked.

“Only the local pub…if that’s OK with you? I don’t want to presume, we can always go wherever you want to-”

“The pub is fine,” James interrupted. He seemed quite calm and collected. I had no idea how he did it. I felt like more anxious than I had in years. What if I messed up? What if he didn’t actually like me, and this whole thing was out of pity? Or just a thanks for the lift from the station?

“You’re thinking hard, aren’t you?” James said. I couldn’t think of what to say, so I just nodded. “Well don’t. Let’s just go out for a nice evening. No weirdness, no awkward silences, no stress. Just enjoying each other’s company.”

“I can do that,” I said, perhaps more to myself than to James.

We had walked down to the corner of High Street and I crossed us over from the pavement that ran along the shops to the one that ran down the river.

It was already dark and the river glistened in the moonlight.

The pub wasn’t too far a walk, and I could see it in the distance, a squat thatched cottage on the river.

I hoped that James didn’t think it was too quaint, and found myself wishing that I’d taken Tudor up on his offer of a more gourmet meal up at the hotel.

“Not that I don’t find the strong and silent type incredibly attractive, but I really feel one of us should start talking,” said James. As we passed the craft shop, I saw him turn his head to take a look.

“Do you want to go in there?” I asked.

“Oh…um, no. It’s fine.”

“Seriously, Geraint is still in, it doesn’t matter that they’re officially closed.”

“No. Honestly, I’d only get an urge to spend money I don’t have.” James looked a bit dejected, and I wanted to solve that.

“Well I can buy you some stuff if you like,” I said.

“No. I’m fine. Thank you though.” I sensed James was done with the topic, so I stayed quiet as we approached the pub.

The pub was an old thatched cottage not unlike the one I lived in, but two storeys and much bigger. The outside walls were a knobbly, rough white and the windows were like little recesses into it.

James reached out and touched it with one hand. “Like stepping back in time,” he said quietly.

“Come and look inside then,” I replied whilst pushing open the door with one hand.

The inside of the pub was even more rustic.

James had no trouble walking through the little doorway but I had to duck, as well as below a couple of the bigger support beams that ran along the roof.

All the walls were stone, and there was a roaring fireplace on one side.

Even on a weekday, its was full of the buzz of regulars.

I ushered James towards an empty table by the fireplace.

“I’ll go and get us some drinks,” I said. “What do you want?”

“Just a lemonade please,” James gave me a tight smile. I put my jacket over the chair and walked over to the bar.

“A pint of Brains and a lemonade please, Ffion.” I put a five pound note down on the bar. Ffion, an old school friend of mine, started the drinks straight away.

“How you keeping then, love? Who’s that?” she asked. She nodded over at where James was sat. When I looked over at him, he quickly ducked his head and looked away.

“That is…no one.” I said. “I’ll tell you all about it next week, promise.” Next week when he’d be home and I’d be sat in here alone.

“As long as it is a promise,” said Ffion. She gave me the drinks and pushed the five pound note back over the bar. “First lot on the house for a handsome face,” she said.

“Oh, thank you.” I said. She’d never done that before.

“Not you, him. Idiot.” She went back to wiping over the bar and I took the fiver and drinks, feeling a bit stupid.

“Barmaid thinks you’re pretty,” I said to James. I put the drinks down in front of him. “So if you start going up to the bar we might get our drinks for free.”

He laughed, and it felt good to be the one who’d made him happy. I sat down and took a big gulp of my pint. “Ah, that’s good.” I said. James hadn’t touched his lemonade yet.

“What’s your poison of choice?” he asked.

“Brains bitter, good Welsh beer,” I replied. “What about you?”

“Anything with vodka in it,” he said. His eyes flicked down to the lemonade.

“So why not tonight?” I asked.

James hesitated. “It’s stupid,” he said.

“I promise not to laugh.”

“It’s just…I don’t trust it. Not after what happened on Saturday night.” I realised, then, what the problem was and why he wasn’t drinking. It was hard not to be offended, but I pushed that down because I knew he meant well. And that he had been through a lot.

“Here,” I took the five pound note from my pocket. “I insist on paying as I asked you out, but go and get yourself one from the bar.”

“Thank you,” James said quietly after a moment. He took the five pounds from my outstretched hand and walked over to the bar. I saw him chatting and laughing with Ffion as she prepared the drink and once again pushed the five pound note back to him

He looked happier when he came back to the table and he took a sip of his drink.

“That hits the spot,” he said. “Sorry if I got a bit weird, it’s just…”

“I get it, don’t worry,” I replied. “Don’t stress. I have no ides what I’d be doing in your situation. Probably running around screaming my head off.”

“Nah. You seem like a pretty chill guy,” he said. He took another sip of his drink, and my eyes reflexively dipped to his mouth around the straw. I gulped down my own drink to distract myself.