Page 10 of Generally Hospitable (Good To The Last Demon #7)

CHAPTER FIVE

The enemy stood on the far-left side of the room, and we stood on the right.

We were separated by the heinous white pleather chairs and a few bronze tables.

They were well armed, but we were batshit crazy.

That definitely counted for something. We’d been in far worse situations, and the odds weren’t horrible.

There were twelve of them and six of us.

That meant two apiece. We’d done it before. We could do it again.

We had to.

“Which one of you is the half breed?” the Demon in the front of the deadly pack bellowed. Spittle and rage flew from his lips. “We have been ordered to end the life of the half breed.”

“Way to play all your cards upfront, loser,” Irma muttered under her breath.

The flaming asshole growled menacingly. He was bloodthirsty and disgusting.

All of them were. They were on fire. Literally.

Green fire with icy-blue sparks danced and crackled all over their enormous bodies.

They stood well over six feet tall and were all bulging muscle.

The putrid scent of sulfur permeated the air.

Normally—normal being a relative word in our case—a Demon looked like any random human you might see on the streets of any town in the world. However, the bad dudes loved to Hulk out and stink like farts and rotten eggs. It was awesome…

“I asked a question,” the leader of the skank pack repeated at a volume that made my ears ring. “Answer me.”

Corny Cracker’s stepped forward in all his buck-naked glory. “I’m the half breed.”

My mouth hung open in horrified surprise. Just as the flaming assholes were about to execute the clothing-impaired Corny Crackers, Irma shoved him out of the way.

“Nope,” Irma announced with an eye roll that was almost as good as Pandora’s. “He’s lying. I’m the half breed, you stank ass mother fuckers.”

What the hell was happening here? Were they trying to die in my place? While very polite and noble, it wasn’t going to go down like that. I was their Goddess. They were my people. My job was to protect them, not the other way around.

“Wrong,” Stella shouted, knocking Irma out of her way. “Me and my magical hooters are the half breed.”

My friend was topless, and her silicone-enhanced knockers were on full display. The flaming assholes were entranced. Stella was a full-on weapon of mass destruction—she could destroy a mind, a body and a soul. Occasionally, I’d label her a weapon of mass confusion, but not today.

“For the love of everything bullshitty,” Jonny grumbled as he stepped out in front of the pack of idiots. “I’m the half breed. Hence, why I’m so irresistibly handsome.”

That elicited a few groans from my tiny army. But Jonny was like a honey badger—he didn’t give a fuck. He took a bow and pumped his arms over his head in victory.

Now it was apparently Moon’s turn to fib.

She did it with embarrassing panache. “No can do, liars. I’m the half breed.

How many normal Demons do you know who can fornicate with furniture?

Huh? How many? That’s right, NONE. I’m the half breed and I have zero fucks to give,” Moon shouted as she mounted the white pleather chair and did her thing.

It was disturbing—kind of like watching an animal in frenzied heat who was attracted to inanimate objects. Even the flaming assholes looked away.

“This is absolutely absurd,” Corny insisted, shielding his eyes from Moon’s pornographic display. “I’m the half breed. And, for your information, zero fucks to give in German can be translated to, it’s sausage to me!”

“Oh my hell,” I muttered. If this was the new game, I was in. I kind of spoke a few languages. Not well, but well enough to add my two cents to the farce we were performing. “Actually, I’m the half breed. And in Spanish, zero fucks to give is, I care a cucumber.”

“People, people, people,” Jonny said, shaking his head and throwing his hands in the air. “I am the true half breed. And in Dutch, zero fucks to give is, it can oxidize my anus. Which, by the way, is very handsome as well—my anus, that is… just in case you were confused.”

The flaming assholes weren’t sure what to do with the situation. I wasn’t sure either, but at least no one had died yet. I’d take a win anywhere I could get it.

“While I’m amused at the Dutch translation,” Irma said, flipping all of us off, including the bewildered flaming assholes. “As I stated prior, I’m the half breed. And in French, zero fucks to give is, I slap my balls on it.”

“Listen to me, you lying thieving sons of bitches,” Stella shrieked, hopping up and down.

Her knockers were hypnotic. They were bouncing so energetically, I was worried she’d smack herself in the face with them.

“I’m the half breed. And, not to be left out, me and my tits would like to tell you that zero fucks to give in Finnish is, it interests me as much as a kilogram of shit. ”

Glances were exchanged between the evil assassins. They appeared to be as stupid as their leader, Chub Chub Wang. After conferring for five minutes, the leader stepped forward again. “Who is the owner of the castle?”

The smile of victory on his face was clear evidence that he thought he’d pulled a fast one. He had not. In unison, we all raised our hands.

But… his questioned knocked me out of the farce and back into reality. I was the half breed owner of the castle. If I could command my castle to create a door, I wondered what else I could command my castle to do.

“Screw all of you,” the head baddie screamed. “I don’t care which of you is the half breed. KILL THEM ALL.”

They came at us with speed and deadly precision. The fun and games were over and the ugly had begun.

Stella was ready. A steady stream of sharp objects ejected from her nipples.

The blades were like heat seeking missiles and flew straight at the enemy.

Jonny, proving beyond a doubt that he truly had zero fucks to give, morphed into an eight-foot monster with claws and fangs that would put any special effects movie crew to shame.

When he opened his jaw, his head looked like it detached.

Corny wielded his knitting needles with skill.

I’d seen the Demon decapitate many a bad guy with his knitting sticks.

It was insane. Moon spit in the air and started a fire.

She had the control to direct where the fire burned.

Right now, it circled the flaming assholes.

Fire wouldn’t end them, but it definitely slowed them down.

And Irma… my girl was something else. With a scream so high-pitched it shattered all the crystal chandeliers in the throne room, she went into battle like a Tasmanian Devil on a month-long cocaine bender. She was out of control.

While the enemy might be stupid, it didn’t mean they couldn’t fight. They could and they did. We were winning at the moment, but not by much.

It was time to test a theory. With a purple fire sword in each hand, I shouted with authority at the castle my mother had built and now belonged to me.

With Pandora’s advice in mind to let the castle know I meant business, I let it rip.

My voice was sure, strong, and loud. “I order you to open the floor and suck the flaming assholes out of my sight… never to be seen or heard from again. I command you to do it NOW.”

The floor began to tremble. The walls rocked on their foundation. The throne that Chub Chub Wang had defiled by sitting his traitorous ass on, crumbled and turned to dust.

I was a little worried that I hadn’t been specific enough with my order and we all might die.

The fighting paused, and all participants glanced around in panic.

No one knew what was happening. I did. I just didn’t know how it was going to play out.

I shouldn’t have worried. This was my castle.

I was the Bitch Goddess Cecily, and no one was going to mess with me or my people in my own crib.

If this ended up working out, maybe I wouldn’t incinerate the castle…

The shock on the faces of the flaming assholes as the bejeweled marble floor cracked open under their feet was priceless.

Massive gray ghostly hands that would probably star in my nightmares for years to come reached up from the bowels of the earth and, one by one, each of the Demons who had come to end me met a very grisly demise.

Irma, Stella, Moon, Corny, and Jonny watched in wide-eyed horror as my command was obeyed, and the flaming assholes were yanked through the floor and out of the castle… for good.

The silence that followed the storm was deafening. Even I was speechless.

“Welp, that was some kind of shit,” Irma commented, looking over the side of the open crater.

“Word,” Moon agreed, checking out the damage. “You gonna leave that open?”

“Umm…” It was a good question. I kind of figured it would close on its own, but it wasn’t looking that way. “I guess closing it would be smart.”

“I would say so,” Corny agreed, floating above the massive hole and examining it. “It would be dreadful to be sleepwalking or just skipping around the castle and accidentally fall into the abyss.” He stared some more. “Bitch Goddess Cecily, do you know where the abyss leads to?”

He had me there… “Actually, no. Should I?”

My question was studiously considered by my little army of five.

Stella was the soldier to answer first—still topless, still nuts. “Look, I say what happens in the castle stays in the castle. Kind of like Vegas. What people don’t know can’t hurt them—including us.”

While that was a little vague, I got the general concept.

“Here’s the deal,” Moon added, peeking over the edge.

“Doesn’t matter where those evil shits went.

They’re gone. I say better them than us.

Although I’d like to add that those hands that popped out of there almost made me shit my pants.

” She turned and faced us, gesticulating wildly with her hands.

“But whatever. Bitch Goddess Cecily is an unconventional kind of leader. I’ve spent my entire life being told weird, crazy and insane is wrong.

That’s bullshit. How can weird be wrong when the greatest Goddess of all time is batshit, balls-to-the-wall bonkers? Right?”

“Interesting observation,” Jonny said, pulling out his cell phone and snapping a picture of the damage. “And I’d have to agree. Our fabulous Bitch Goddess Cecily is certifiable in the best possible way.”

I wasn’t sure how the conversation had taken such an alarming turn, but it had.

I should’ve been insulted, or at the very least, hurt.

I wasn’t. My slightly unstable people were correct.

I was unconventional, weird, crazy and somewhat insane.

I was going to own it with pride. I hadn’t asked to be the Goddess of the Darkness.

Heck, I still wasn’t sure I wanted to be the Goddess of the Darkness, but those were the breaks.

Bitch Goddess Cecily was my name—a forty-year-old former child star who was trying to make a comeback in Hollywood while leading the Demons in the Darkness.

It didn’t get more unconventional, weird, insane and batshit crazy than that.

“You know,” Moon said, casually meandering back over to the white pleather chair. “All this violence is making me horny.”

“And on that note, we’re out of here,” I said quickly. Watching Moon get her rocks off on white pleather wasn’t on my to-do list. “Everyone, get behind me. I’m going to close the hole and command a door. We’re blowing this joint.”

It was time to get to the next part of the plan. Staying alive was still on the agenda, but the party had started and we needed to be there. Pink and John Travolta, along with the rest of us, were all invited.