Page 36 of Forever Finn

“What?” Reed blinks slowly.

“Cody didn’t understand,” I choke out as the wave of agony finally crests and breaks over me, bringing with it years of unresolved pain and guilt. “I… I kissed him.”

“You were in love with him?” Wyatt breathed slowly in understanding.

I nod miserably as I stare at Reed, unable to face the gaze of Deacon and Garrett while I confess my deepest shame.

“The night he died,” I croak, my throat burning with a hot, hard ball of misery and guilt. “The night we were out at that club, I kissed him, and he freaked out. That’s why we didn’t stay in the hotel room the three of us had booked. He didn’t want to be anywhere near me. I told him he couldn’t drive with the storm rolling in, but he wouldn’t even look at me. I knew I couldn’t let him get into that car alone, I knew I had to explain. I climbed into the car with him, but you climbed in with us, and I couldn’t say anything.” I look up at Reed as the hot tears begin to spill down my cheeks. “If it hadn’t been for me fucking everything up, we would have all crashed in that hotel room, and he wouldn’t have been driving hurt and confused along the coast road in that storm.” I swallowed painfully, whispering the words I’d never dared to say aloud before. “It’s my fault he’s dead.”

The silence was deafening. It was like I was frozen in that one moment of time. I dropped my gaze, staring at my blurred feet through the tears. I couldn’t bear to look anyone in the eye, couldn’t bear to see the disgust, the blame… the anger.

“Oh, sweet boy.” I feel a thick pair of arms wrap around me and Garrett’s familiar rumbling voice, and I shatter into a million pieces. I can’t stop the great wracking sobs that tear from me as years and years of repressed guilt and hurt breaks free, threatening to drown me. “Finn,” Garrett whispers as he holds me. “Cody loved you, and he wouldn’t have cared that you were gay. I know that for a fact because he knew about me. We talked about it many times. He’d already begun to suspect Jesse was and that he had a thing for Deak. He was wondering if Deak would open his eyes long enough to figure it out.”

I pull back looking up into Garrett’s blue eyes, and for a moment it’s almost like Cody is staring back at me,

“He knew that you were gay?”

“Yeah.” Garrett nods quietly. “I wish I’d known you were carrying this all these years, Finn, but you need to understand. What happened to Cody was not your fault. I loved my boy more than anything. He may have been my nephew by blood, but he was my son in all the ways that mattered, just as Deacon is, but Cody had been drinking. Regardless of the circumstances, he chose to get in that car under the influence, and he knew about the storm warnings in place that’s why you guys called and said you were going to get a hotel room. He made the choice to drive back to the bay. He didn’t deserve what happened to him, but you are not to blame.”

“But if I hadn’t kissed him,” I whisper.

“He was probably a bit confused and drunk, but he never would have hated you for it, even if he didn’t feel the same way, but we’ll never know.”

“One thing I do know about my brother,” Deacon cut in. “Is that he never would have wanted you to feel responsible for his death. It was an accident.”

“Finn,” Reed breathed out with tears in his eyes. “Finn…. I….” He blew out another deeper breath as if steeling himself for something. “There’s something I need to tell you about the crash.”

I stare at him silently, not trusting myself to speak as dread sits in my belly like a rock.

“You were unconscious, bleeding badly from the head, the car had flipped, and Cody was pinned. I know now that he had severe internal bleeding, but he was still conscious for those last few moments. I could barely move, all I could do was reach out and hold his hand. But he whispered something to me.”

I swallow hard. I didn’t think it was possible to hurt even more but I was wrong. “What did he say?” I croak.

“He said, tell Finn I’m sorry.” I suck in a sharp breath, my eyes blurry from fresh tears. “I always thought it was because you were unconscious, and your injuries looked pretty bad. I thought he was sorry because of the crash, because you were hurt, but now I think he meant something else.”

It’s too much, all of it. The media, the photo, Cody, Wyatt. I can’t separate it all. My mind is a mass of confusion. I’ve never felt as exposed as I do in this moment, standing in the garden with everyone staring at me, knowing my deepest, darkest secrets. I feel raw like I’ve been flayed alive, and without that layer of protection, I do the only thing I can do. I turn around and stalk back into Deak and Jesse’s house. I’ve almost made it to the front door when I hear a voice calling me and feel a warm hand on my arm halting my escape.

“Finn,” Wyatt breaths in concern as I turn to face him. “Finn, tell me what to do, tell me how to help you.”

“You can’t,” I whisper. “We both knew his was going to end between us.”

“Finn, please don’t do this.” He closes his eyes and presses his forehead to mine. “I know this has been an awful day for you, but please don’t shut me out.”

“I can’t.” My voice breaks as he presses his mouth to mine. For one brief moment the hellish merry-go-round I’m trapped on slows, and I allow myself to feel him, to take the comfort he’s offering so freely, but I know it’s wrapped in something deeper, something I don’t have the strength to face right now. I tear my mouth away. “I’m sorry.”

Pulling myself away from the comfort of his arms is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I don’t stop, don’t allow myself to look back. I yank the door open and do the only thing I seem to be good at these days.

I run and I don’t stop.

15

Istare at the alarm clock, watching the numbers blink back at me mockingly. I haven’t slept all night, I half expected the press to set up camp outside my house after yesterday’s shitshow, but I don’t think they’ve managed to figure out who I am yet. I guess that makes me lucky, which is more than I can say for Finn.

I roll over onto my back and scrub my hand over my face in frustration. I’m so tired, but I can’t stop thinking about him. Not just yesterday’s revelations about what happened between him and Cody but the way he’d looked when he ran from me. He looked so hopeless, so defeated.

I should have gone after him, but I had so many confusing feelings of my own to deal with. Seeing him so broken slayed me in a way I hadn’t expected. I’ve always had a certain empathy for others, but in that moment, seeing his face, I’d felt his pain as if it were my own. Which tells me one thing.

This thing between us is not casual, maybe it never was. Maybe we’ve been fooling ourselves all along. I broke all my own rules for him, and I never once stopped to ask why. I was so blinded by him. I swore I’d never be someone’s dirty little secret again, not after James. But it wasn’t like that with Finn. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I’d have climbed straight back into that closet with him and happily locked the door behind us no questions asked because I wasn’t his dirty little secret. In the cold hard light of day, I can see what was between us was real, whether either of us wanted to admit it or not.