Page 32 of For the Plot (The Stone Siblings #1)

Nikki

Keep On - Sasha Alex Sloane

Whatever dream I was having, I didn’t want it to end. I was warm and cozy, someone’s body wrapped around mine. I snuggled in closer, breathing deep and slow. I opened my eyes to see—

Wait, where the fuck was I? I slowly looked around at the unfamiliar view.

It only took a moment before realizing that I was in James’s room and it was James wrapped around me.

I must have just fallen asleep in here last night.

My heart rate picked up as I realized that this was the first time I’d ever spent the night with someone.

That was not part of the plan. That was not what people who were having casual sex did.

Spending the night is what people with feelings for each other did, and that wasn’t me and James.

Right?

I needed to get out of here. As quietly as possible, I slipped out from under James’s arm. Gathering my costume up, I threw the white shirt over my head and snuck out the door, shutting it softly behind me and tiptoed as quickly as I could back to my room.

I leaned against the door, eyes closed as I tried to calm down. My eyes snapped open when I felt my phone vibrating in my hand. Lucy's name flashed across the screen and my hands tightened on the phone.

I could feel the anxiety building in my chest and I debated letting it go to voicemail and deal with it later, but that wasn’t fair to them. Swiping to answer, I brought the phone up to my ear.

“Hey,” I answered the phone, voice strained.

“Hi, love. Just wanted to call and check in since there’s just one month left! How is the writing going?”

I swallowed down the lump in my throat, feeling like there was a weight sitting on my chest as I thought about my writing. I knew it was the day after Halloween, so that meant it was November first, but my brain couldn’t compute that it meant there was only one month left to write an entire book.

“Yeah,” I lied through my ass, too embarrassed to tell her I still hadn’t written basically anything. “Yeah, it’s great!”

“Oh good,” Lucy responded, sighing in relief. “I knew you could do it!” I gripped the phone tighter, the anxiety and guilt of being a failure and a liar suffocating me. My breaths were coming shorter, and I knew I needed to end this call before I had a full-on panic attack.

“I actually was doing an early morning writing session, and I don’t want to lose my momentum, so I’m gonna get back to it!” I was a terrible, terrible person, lying to my agent like this.

“OK, I’ll let you go. I’m so proud of you.” Their voice was warm and kind, and I wanted to die.

“Thanks, Lucy! Talk later!” I hung up the call before they could respond, drowning in my own shame.

I got in bed, curling up on my side and pulling the blankets up to my chin.

I was scrolling on my phone, but I didn’t even know what I was looking at.

I should be sitting at my desk and pulling whatever words out of myself that I could, but all I could do was lie here and stare blankly at my phone while my brain screamed at me to do something, anything productive.

Screamed at me that I was a fraud, and a liar, and a failure, and an awful person.

I don’t know how long I been berating myself when I heard a soft knock at my door. I clicked my phone off so that it wouldn't accidentally make any noise, staying perfectly still so whoever it was would think I was asleep and go away.

“Nikki?” James’s voice floated to me through the door, and I could hear his concern, even muted through the door.

My heart twinged, reminding me that I was a shitty person in even more ways.

I’d snuck out of his bed without a word, and he probably just wanted to make sure I was ok.

It wasn't his fault I crossed the boundary we’d set from the beginning, to not let it be anything more than physical.

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath to try and center myself enough to answer the door and pretend everything was OK.

Getting out of bed, I walked over and opened my door just enough for him to see me through the opening.

“Hey.” I smiled, but I didn't think it quite reached my eyes.

“Hey.” His brows were drawn together as he scanned all over my face. “Is everything OK? I woke up and you were gone.”

“Oh yeah.” I waved a dismissive hand. “Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to fall asleep in there. Woke up super early and came back to my room when I realized.” He tried to hide the devastation in his eyes, but I still saw it. My grip tightened on the door as I tried to keep from breaking down.

“Are we… good?” he asked hesitantly.

“Of course!” I responded with forced brightness, “I just realized today is November first so it’s time for me to really buckle down on this draft.”

“Oh, OK.” His shoulders dropped in relief. “So you’ll just let me know the next time you want to meet up?”

“Actually, I think we can probably call it, now.” I felt like I was ripping my own heart out as I said the words, but I knew it was time. “I really appreciate all the help! But I really gotta focus on the writing now.”

The more I spoke, the more the light in his eyes dimmed.

“Yeah, no, I get it.” James smiled weakly at me. “Glad I could help.” He turned around without another word, walking back to his room.

I don’t think I’d ever hated myself more.

I closed the door and let my head fall against it as the tears started to fall. I gasped in shuddering breaths, trying to calm my breathing, trying not to have a panic attack for the second time this morning.

I crawled back in my bed, lifting my phone back up to keep scrolling. Everything was going wrong. I’d ruined my friendship with James, I still had no book to show for it, and I’d fallen back into my habit of lying to everyone around me because I couldn’t face my own failings.

It was times like these that made me wish I didn’t have to do this anymore.

Not that I wanted to kill myself or anything, but like I just wanted to hit pause on existing for a while.

Fade into nothingness for a few weeks or months until everything that was making me feel so overwhelmed that I couldn’t function had passed.

I knew that wasn’t possible, so instead I stayed in bed, scrolling without seeing what I was looking at while my brain told me what a shitty person I was.

Honestly, I deserved it.