Page 34

Alex

“ B rad?” I called out into the empty bedroom.

I already knew he wasn’t there. The sun was rising, and the bed smelled of us, but the dent in the mattress his body made was gone. His side of my bed was cold and empty.

There was no noise from the rest of the house, and my bedroom door was firmly shut.

He probably went to the toilet, maybe he was making coffee, maybe he had a phone call or was getting new clothes, or any other reason that meant he left me after promising he wouldn’t.

But the seconds of waiting turned into minutes, which turned into thirty, with no notes or texts or phone calls, and my messages didn’t go through.

I dragged on my clothes from yesterday and left my room, padding downstairs to our large living room.

Each step nearly made me wince. He’d buried himself so deeply that it felt like he’d permanently etched himself inside me.

My lips fastened as I left the empty living room, cans and controllers sitting abandoned on the glass coffee table, the guys’ shorts and shirts thrown over the back of chairs and the couch. There were pictures on the walls, posters of our favorite players, mugs with the Kites logo, which had sat around for weeks, and all the other things that reminded me of Brad.

I just had to hold it together. When he came back, we could talk properly about what he thought this was. He hadn’t spent years pining over someone who might have never liked him back. Maybe I was just a fun toy for him to play with until he got bored, just like all the other women he slept with.

I was a novelty until he lost interest. He’d got his ‘first’ and he was done, and then our friendship was ruined, all because I wanted something more.

Standing in the center of the living room, I sighed, my chin dipping as my forehead sank into my palm.

I was so tired of thinking. I wished I could switch it all off and go back to those times when I would laugh and joke with him and pretend everything was normal so I could protect us both.

I stormed back upstairs. I didn’t care if the other guys were hungover from partying last night. I grabbed my bedroom door, irritation bursting through me as I slammed it closed.

I threw myself back onto the bed that still smelled of sex—the entire room did—and it burned just as much as the memory of Brad’s bright smile as he told me how hot I looked.

Rubbing my hand over my mouth, I turned to my side, pressing my face into the pillow and inhaling deeply.

I could tell myself I was just being sensitive, that I was letting myself spiral.

But I was an idiot, so I wasn’t going to stop.

I swallowed down the tears welling at the corners of my eyes so I didn’t feel any more pathetic. Because, really, what was I expecting?

Everything we’d said to each other last night? All the hopes and dreams I thought had finally come true? It was just the same as before. When he sucked me off, when he kissed me, when we basically fucked at the hotel. It was all the same. Just another opportunity for me to be trampled on without him even realizing it.

It was a Saturday. There was nothing to stop us from being together. I had it in my head that we were going to spend the weekend together, exploring this, finding out what we actually wanted to be to each other.

But he left the first chance he had. Even if he was going out for a jog or running to see friends, he could have at least woken me up, or left a note, or done something to let me know why he had left me.

It was why I had been so hesitant to tell him my feelings. Because he always put himself first, no matter who he was with. And it’s why I sometimes thought I had a chance, because of when I felt more important than anything else in his life.

There was no point trying. If this was how our relationship was going to be from the start, then all my predictions had been right. I wanted him so badly I was willing to ignore those parts of him, because I loved him, because I needed his words last night to be true.

There was nothing I could do to change him. That wasn’t my job. I couldn’t force him to change, but I wanted him to try.

There was only a week left of school, then we’d take a few weeks at home before we’d began training with the Wranglers. Maybe it would all be okay by then.

But it felt like Brad kept dragging me up a hill, taking me so close to the peak, only to throw me back down again. I couldn’t keep going back and forth like this. I just wanted him to say yes.

I could at least sleep some more and shake off the pain that was threatening to take me over. Just because Brad thought I was a grumpy bastard didn’t make it true. I used to be realistic, tempering my expectations, so I didn’t fall into situations like this. And I’d let go and ended up with a broken heart, just like always.

***

“Alex?” Brad’s voice echoed from far away. I was probably just having another dream where we were together and actually happy.

“Alex?” he said again, his voice clearer, like it was breaking through a fog.

“Hey!” His voice rung through my ears. “Dude! Wake up. I made you breakfast.”

My eyes opened slowly to the sight of Brad standing over me, holding a gray plastic tray and grinning sheepishly.

But I didn’t believe his smile. Because I knew what Brad was like. I’d caught him sneaking home early in the morning so many times after he’d fucked someone, giving me the exact same look. Because he said he hated being there when they woke up.

So, I must have still been asleep.

I’d hoped it wouldn’t have happened to me, I hoped I was special, but I’m sure that’s what everyone who slept with Brad thought.

He bent toward me, peering over a towering tray he carried, concern etched all over him. My eyes dropped to the tray as he pushed it onto my bedside table. The plate piled high with food, a folded napkin with cutlery on top, a little plate of butter, and a pint glass with flowers on the side.

“You came back,” I said bluntly, looking up at him, forcing my face to stay blank, refusing to be swayed by the sweetest thing he’d ever done.

“What? Yeah, of course I came back, you dumbass.”

I pushed myself up to sit, reaching my hand out to the bedside table for support. It rattled as I adjusted myself.

“Whoa, watch out. You’re going to spill everything.” He leaned forward to adjust the plate before grinning at me.

He creased his fingers along my shoulder before stealing a soft kiss.

I was so surprised, I could barely move. All I had was the feel of his happy sigh before he pulled back, his grin even wider.

“You taste awful. You gotta clean your teeth, but we can’t let the food get cold.”

“Where did you go?” I rasped, my voice still hoarse from shouting out so much last night.

“We were out of bacon. Sorry, I didn’t think it was going to take so long. The street was full of all those thirsty bitches who were out for their bougie coffees and shit.”

“Why didn’t you call? Or just text me something? I thought you’d left me.”

It was only after the words came out that I realized I sounded like a whiny boyfriend demanding he stayed around all the time. I felt too beaten to even correct myself. There were so many things I wanted to be with Brad, and so many things I didn’t. Lance had told me not to worry and just be myself, but Brad hadn’t liked me until now, so it seemed like ‘myself’ wasn’t enough.

“No, my phone just died, sorry.” He shook his head. “Dude, look, there’s not a single fucking chance I’m ever leaving you again. We’re going to the Wranglers together. You’re stuck with me from now on.”

He thrust a fork at me with a pleased smile, and I took it, unnerved.

“Alright, get comfy. And prepare for the best breakfast of your life.”

“Is this the same breakfast you always make?”

He paused, shrugging. “I mean, not quite. There’s an extra special ingredient.”

I narrowed my eyes as I looked between him and the plate. “What is it?”

He came in close again. “Love!” he said before he burst out laughing

My heart simmered as he easily pushed away all the hurt which had built since I woke up.

I couldn’t look at him as I adjusted myself, my back resting against the headboard as I crossed my legs, pushing the duvet down around my hips.

I’d thrown my clothes off when I came back to my room, and Brad whistled appreciatively as he ran his hungry gaze over my chest, down to my abs.

“Wow. I know I say it literally all the time, but I can’t believe I didn’t see how hot you are. Like, I thought you were handsome and all that, but your body is seriously sexy. I’ve got a semi just from looking at you.”

“How do you expect me to eat when you say stuff like that?” I groaned.

“Sorry! Okay! I’ll wait until you’ve finished to tell you how much I love you.”

I choked instantly. I kept pretending I was coughing, so I had an excuse for the shock of trying to adjust to him saying that.

I didn’t want him to see how much it meant to me, not yet. Because it could just be Brad getting excited about something new before he lost interest.

That had happened with everything else in his life—apart from hockey.

He sat on the edge of the bed, his whole face lit up, patiently waiting for me to stop choking on my own feelings.

“Okay, so…” he started as he offered me coffee, “I figure what we should do first when we go home is get everyone together—I mean family, not the school guys—and tell them we’re in love. Like, we don’t need to make a big deal out of it; I don’t want a party or anything. We’ll just tell them we’re together and then go hang out in the garage or whatever. You know, like we usually do.”

My mouth dropped open as I took the coffee from him. He just beamed at me like coming out was the easiest thing in the world.

Just because my parents knew I was gay, didn’t mean Brad’s family did. I’d asked my parents to keep it a secret for so long because I was sure I knew how everyone else in town would react.

And after years and years of fighting my feelings and being scared of everyone’s perception of me, Brad just wanted to come straight out and tell everyone with no thoughts.

“Why are you looking at me like that? Don’t you want everyone to know how we feel about each other? I thought you’d be happy.”

“We haven’t even been together for a day!”

“Well, I don’t think we should waste any time.”

I went completely still, blinking at him.

He just said it so simply, like all the years of my struggling could have been solved if I’d just been as happy-go-lucky as him. Brad was just so positive he couldn’t see a way it would ever go wrong.

“So, you aren’t happy about it?” he asked.

I took a slow breath as I brought the hot coffee cup to my lips. Everything had changed so quickly that I didn’t know if I could keep up.

“Yeah, I am,” I said softly after I’d taken a sip. “I’m so stupidly happy. I just don’t know how serious you are about this.”

“I mean, I had my dick in your ass. How much more serious do you want me to be?”

I gritted my teeth, dipping my chin to hide my scowl as he laughed.

“Hey, I mean it, though.” He put his hand on my shoulder as he met me with a serious look. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide anything else from me. You’ve told me your deep, dark secret. Like, it totally explains why you used to get pissy at really random times, but I’m not going to do that to you anymore, okay?”

Brad bent down so he looked me straight in the eyes. If he wasn’t smiling so brightly, I’d swear it would be an interrogation.

“Okay,” I mumbled, lowering the cup.

“I mean it. I’m not going to mess you around, unless it involves my dick.” He winked at me, and I naturally replied with a glower.

“I swear,” he said as he leaned forward, clasping my thigh. “I’m really here for this, whatever way it turns out.”

The Brad looking at me was the same one who knew he could make the shot in the last minute of a game. The Brad who was always in control, who would score no matter what, who would do what he needed to win.

And looking at me like he wanted to be with me, whatever it took.

I just had to take all his dick talk in stride.

“Alright, I made double eggs and bacon because I thought you might be hungry after all the kickass fucking. I got you a shake, too. You’re going to need your protein, especially if you want to survive the rest of the day.”

He gave me another easy kiss before jumping onto the bed. I only just rescued the coffee cup from a spill.

“What do you mean? Are we doing something?” I asked, suspecting I already knew the answer.

“Hell yeah, we’re doing something. There’s no way I’ve finished with you. The only reason we stopped fucking last night was because you needed to sleep,” he said as he pulled back with a wicked grin.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea. We’ve got the finals…”

“Which is why we’ve got to fuck as much as possible now! Because we need to train the rest of the week!”

“Brad…” It wasn’t even that my ass was sore.

“Hey, look, you asked me before if I was serious, yeah? So, I’ve just got to do everything I can to prove it to you. You’ve got no idea what’s coming, man. You’re going to need to prepare that ass of yours—and your heart.”

I was so blown away by him that all I could do was look at him in shock.

“I forgot the ketchup. Two seconds.”

He threw me a wink before he hopped off the bed, quickly aiming for the door, and I suddenly, desperately, missed his warmth.

Was this really how it was going to be from now on? My dumbass best friend suddenly dropping lines straight out of the movies our moms loved?

I glanced at the tray, piled high with food. If I ate all of it, I wouldn’t be able to move, let alone fuck. But it was the way he’d set the pint glass of small pink carnations at the edge of the tray that really got me.

“Oh, and Alex?” Brad pulled my attention away from the food as he poked his head back through the bedroom door.

“Yeah?” I said, and I couldn’t help but return his smile.

“I love you,” he said, sparkling as he sent my heart straight to my throat. A flurry of laughter rang in my ears, following Brad as he left the room, and I groaned in reply.