Page 28

Alex

T he bus journey home was so awkward.

Brad was pissed off I’d left him to go and see Lance just as he got the offer.

I was pissed off that we’d basically had sex and he friend-zoned me.

And we were both pretending everything was completely normal.

I was torn between Brad and Lance. Lance kept himself in his room with Porter after he got the call that his mom had slipped into a coma. He still came out for games, but he looked dead. The Coach banned him from the rest of the semi-final games and told him to leave, but he refused.

He and Porter had secluded themselves at the back of the bus.

Brad very deliberately sat next to Taylor, close enough to shoot daggers at me and Chase near the center, but far enough away that we couldn’t talk.

I’d tell Brad as soon as we got back. Lance kept saying he didn’t want anyone to know about his mom because of the publicity and other reasons, but I couldn’t stand the silent fight we were having.

The whole time we were laughing and joking with the guys, but the air of tension hanging around me and Brad was suffocating. Every day the struggle not to kiss him and tell him I loved him grew harder. If I could just rub myself all over him, maybe that would soothe the horniness which had taken me over. It was insatiable, and I was aware of Brad every single second of the day and night. By the time we boarded the bus to return to Redhill in the morning, I was close to just sitting on his lap and smothering him with my lips.

It had never been so bad. But then again, Brad had never come in my mouth before.

But from the way he glared at me, it was obvious he just wanted to punch me.

In my head, I knew it was impossible for Brad to stay angry for long, but that didn’t stop the nerves swimming through me, convinced we’d broken everything, and that was it.

When we finally got back to the house, everyone dumped their bags in their rooms, showered, and ran out for even more partying. We had the entire week to practice for the finals, so there was time.

But Brad didn’t even go upstairs. He casually went to the kitchen, not looking at me even once, and he’d been in there for nearly an hour.

Now we were alone, it was my chance to talk.

But did I really need to apologize when he was the one who demanded I give him a blow job after we argued? Or friend-zoned me after he made me come like that?

Maybe I just imagined the tension—I’d made it all up because I wanted some kind of drama to show me Brad cared.

I’d been sitting on the couch, waiting for him to come out, but it had gone on for too long. I forced myself up, glancing to the kitchen door, pressing my lips together, preparing for whatever. It felt like I’d been building to this conversation for so many years it didn’t seem real.

I told myself ‘today’s the day’ so often it had become my easiest lie.

“Brad?” I called out as I peeked around the kitchen door.

He was standing over a pot of boiling water, just staring at it as the steam billowed up into his face

I shot forward, my chest bumping into his as I pushed the pan away from him. “What are you doing, you idiot?” I snapped, quickly checking him for steam burns, though his face was paler than red.

“Ah, sorry,” he said blandly, blinking at me like he was dead on his feet. “I didn’t see you there.”

I stopped for a second, trying to figure out what was going on.

Past hurts, new hurts, jealousy, rage, frustration swirled in me as I met his blank stare. And it was all topped by the sheer relief that Brad had had an offer from the East City Wranglers. But there would be no point going if we were like this for the rest of our lives.

“You look exhausted.” I sighed, reaching out to wrap my fingers around his hand like he usually did with me. “Come on.”

I was doing it again, trying to take care of him when I was the one hurting. Making sure he was okay, even though I just wanted him to hold me and tell me he loved me.

Even once.

Even if it was a lie.

Just something so I could let go of this pit of blackness which lived inside me before I even realized how I felt.

“Alex,” Brad said faintly from behind me as I dragged him up the stairs to his room. “Hey, Alex.” He sounded like he was getting his voice back, at least. But he still looked like he was going to collapse from the weight of the bags under his eyes.

“Alex!” Brad shouted, grabbing my other wrist and spinning me around. “Look at me!”

Shock was etched on my face, but it was his anger and frustrated expression which annoyed me more.

But his chest was already heaving, and I swear he was shaking through my hand.

“Are you actually going to talk to me, then?” he said, the bite in his tone making me pause.

We stood at the top of the landing in front of my bedroom door. Everyone else had gone out, so we could argue like we’d never done before.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re the one who’s avoiding me,” I said, releasing his hand as I evaded his glare, but he grabbed me in return.

The look of pain that crossed his face surprised me.

“Yeah, right. Don’t lie to me. You’ve basically shut down on me ever since you fucked off when I got fucking drafted.”

“Are you sure? Because it feels like we’re both lying here.”

“You’re the one who abandoned me, so I don’t know why you’re the one who’s pissed,” he shot back. It looked like he was barely controlling his anger. Which looked so unnatural on him, I wanted to kiss him just to wipe it away.

“Are you joking, Brad? Do you really not know what’s going on?” I was starting to shake.

“Because it’s Lance, isn’t it?” he shouted. “It’s always about Lance. Even after we—”

He bit back his words, but it was obvious what he was going to say.

My brow furrowed as I pinched the bridge of my nose. I didn’t know how to avoid telling him about Lance’s mom without him getting the wrong idea.

“I told you before, Lance is in love with someone else. But he needed me, Brad.” I dipped my head. Lance didn’t want a single soul apart from me and Porter to know, but it was too difficult arguing with Brad like this. “Lance’s mom is dying and she nearly went. It was just really bad timing.”

His eyes widened, and he sucked in a breath, but it didn’t stop him. “How can you guys not be dating when you fucking left me for him at the most important moment of our whole fucking lives?”

I winced as he made his point. Even if he was ignoring the part about Lance’s mom, he was still completely right. I screwed up so badly, but we both had.

“I know, Brad. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But do you not think I’d do that without a good reason?”

“Dude, you sucked my cock so hard your voice was hoarse for a day. You seriously can’t tell me that didn’t mean anything.”

Heat flooded my cheeks, and I hated the small, satisfied smile he gave me. It just made me want him even more.

He stepped in close, rubbing his thumb over the soft part of my wrist.

I couldn’t stand him looking at me so tenderly. Kindness could easily slip into pity.

“I know what you’re like, Alex,” Brad murmured. It was the voice he used when he picked up girls, the one I’d fallen for so easily. “You can’t just pretend we didn’t fuck around and hope stuff will go back to normal.”

“Brad, you were the one who wanted it to go back to normal. Or you wanted to be fuck buddies. Which one was it again?”

I didn’t know how I thought I was going to get away with it when no one knew me better than him. It only worked if he pretended as well.

I licked my lips, obsessed with the way he followed the path of my tongue. My heart jumped up into my throat, beats banging in my ears.

“Don’t you want it to go back to normal?” he asked quietly. “We can just keep being friends. We don’t have to make it any more complicated.”

I paused to stem my rush of anger. I couldn’t blame him for not knowing how much it had affected me. But it was my fault for never telling him how much he fucked me up.

“It’s already too complicated.” I pushed out the words. “We can’t just put stuff back in a box like we did last summer.”

“Why not?” Brad asked, and the air vanished from my lungs. “I just don’t want things to be weird between us, you know? You’re my best friend; I don’t want to lose you just because we got hot and heavy on a trip.”

I sighed, blowing at a loose hair away from my cheek. “Why is that more important to you than getting drafted? It’s what you’ve wanted since we were kids.”

“No,” he said as he stepped closer. “It’s what we’ve wanted. Together. Me and you. And I thought that meant something to you.”

Brad said there were other scouts who had wanted to talk with him, but he rejected them all straight away for the Wranglers, just like I did last year.

He didn’t have to choose them; he could still go with another team. If I told him now, before he made a definite choice, then wouldn’t it be easier for him?

But that’s what I told myself after prom, and I chickened out then, too.

“Brad, I can’t do this with you. I don’t even know what’s going on. If this is just because you're jealous of Lance, then you’re the one who has to sort that out.”

Brad moved his head back, like he needed to get a better look at me.

“What are you talking about?”

“We only started doing this because you thought I was with him. I told you we’re not together, and you’re still acting like this. So, what’s going on?”

“I dunno.” He shrugged, that blank look coming back to his face. “I just thought you’d be happier about me getting drafted, you know? I thought we’d hang out or do whatever, but you went off and chose Lance.”

Which was totally reasonable. But the entire time I was with Lance, I desperately wanted to go back to Brad. Even though that wasn't a good enough reason.

But I’d never seen Lance cry before. I’d never seen him do anything other than smirk and tease and command the energy of the room to his advantage. And seeing him so vulnerable was more than unnerving, especially when Porter was wrecked as well. But they wouldn’t tell me anything more about what had happened with Lance’s mom apart from the coma.

“Okay, fine. That’s fine. I’m sorry, alright? I don't want to fight with you, so can we just make up like we used to when we were kids?”

“Seriously? That’s it?” I asked numbly. I still hadn't felt like I apologised either, but, even after everything that we'd done together, all he could say was “friends”.

“Yeah, that’s it. What else do you want me to say?”

Something snapped inside me, and hot fury sped through my body as I yanked my hand from his wrist.

It just kept hurting. Everything kept hurting and I could own up to it here, before Brad accepted his offer and we set our fates in stone. I didn't want to spend my professional hockey career on the same team as the guy who rejected me after years of pining.

Brad was the only one who could make me so frustrated like this, but I didn't think I’d ever get the words through his thick skull.

“I’m not doing this with you, okay? Friends with benefits or fuck buddies, or whatever. It’s too much for me. You’re getting all excited about the fact I’m a virgin, but what about when I’m not anymore? I don’t want to be with someone who loses interest in me once they’ve got what they achieved their fucking goal.”

“Be with someone?” His brow creased again. “Do you really mean that?”

“Yeah, I mean it.” I pressed my hand to my forehead, avoiding him as the words rushed out. My heart beat so hard it tremored in my voice. “It might be a surprise to you, but I actually want to be with someone. I want to have a relationship where I’m not just something to fuck.” I pressed my lips together, giving myself a breath as I lowered my hand into a clenched fist. “I want to be loved, Brad. So, if you’re just getting wound up because you’re worried I’m going to be taken away or something, just stop it. Don’t give me anything to hope for, it’s too much.”

“Alex… What are you talking about?”

Fear exploded through me as I realized how close I was to saying it, and jumped back from him. Telling him I loved him when we were arguing had been one of my scenarios, but I never wanted it to happen like this.

“If I’m just an excuse for you to get your dick wet or to experiment with another guy for the ‘first time,’ I’m not interested. Just leave me alone, okay?”

He let me go, his arm falling to his side as the confusion on his face deepened. Like every other time, disappointment choked me as it swelled in my chest. I stepped away from him, hurrying down the stairs.

I had to get into my room quickly so I didn’t run back to him and beg him to fuck me.