Page 41 of Fighting Fate (Monsters of London #4)
Dax
It’s been ten days since I last saw Vince. Ten days since I last spoke to him. I’ve thought about texting him so often—calling, even—but I can’t bring myself to do it.
I’ve not really recommitted to my pack either, even though I said I would. Everything feels… grey. Empty.
Like right now. I’m behind the bar, and Patch is sitting at it, nursing the one beer he buys when I’m on shift. It’s Tuesday, not Wednesday, so the pub is quiet and doesn’t have the regulars I really don’t want to see.
I didn’t work last week at all. I wallowed, and everyone let me. I think they still would, but I can’t do that forever. Vince made himself clear, and I have to trust him to know what he wants.
“Millie said you called her at the weekend,” Patch says, and I sigh. The bar is clean, everything where it’s supposed to be, so unless a customer comes to order a drink, I really can’t avoid this conversation.
“Yeah,” I say instead. “I did.”
“Said you were thinking about moving to Aldbury.”
“That’s not what I said.”
He takes a sip of his beer, eyebrows raised in question.
“I said I was thinking about leaving the city. And I asked about her pack.”
“It’s nice out there. Quiet.”
“Yeah, I know.”
I called my parents, too, and wasn’t that fun? They’re both worried about me now. I didn’t want to tell them about Vince over the phone, and there’s no way I’ll visit soon because I’d have to take at least a weekend, if not longer…
But the pack will be happy to take me back there, too. Dad was clear about it.
“I just don’t think I can stay here,” I say, voice small.
Patch pushes his beer aside and leans forward on the bar. “If you want to go, I’m not going to stop you. You might want to talk to Axel, though. He’ll help you find a pack if you want to go further out.”
Another pack is one thing, but an entirely new one? Besides, I kind of want to keep the idea to myself for as long as possible. Drew stopped texting me when it was clear I wasn’t replying, but Kieran’s sent a message every day since Tim’s attack on Jamie. He’s tried to call, too.
I think the only thing that stopped him showing up at our door is the fact he actually has to be careful about other packs’ territories now.
I’m not sure how long that will hold him off for, but I should have made a decision by then.
“No, I think… I might just go home for a while, you know? Millie’s pack, it’s nice, but it’s still too close.”
“Well, I guess I’ll have to start hunting for another flatmate, then.” Patch lets out a dramatic sigh.
I glare at him. “You’re not helping.”
He grins back. “Who said I was trying to?”
My reply is cut off when another wolf approaches the bar. Flynn. He smiles at Patch, then at me, glancing past me for a second to take in what’s to drink.
“What can I get you?”
“Eh, just a beer, I think. Glad to see you back, Dax.”
I frown as I grab him a glass. “You are?”
Flynn shrugs. He was at that first meeting with Alpha Axel, when I volunteered to help out with Vince’s classes. I don’t think he and Ryan and Luca are especially close, but I know they all hang out from time to time.
“Yeah. Billy’s all right, you know, but he’s still a pup.”
“He’s twenty-five.”
Flynn snorts, and Patch shakes his head. “Yeah, a baby.”
I pull Flynn’s pint and place it on the top of the bar as he searches for his card.
“So have you heard about Ryan?” he asks.
“What about him?”
“He’s heading off to those classes you were helping at tomorrow.”
“What?” I say.
Patch’s shocked expression mirrors my own, and Flynn laughs. “Yeah.” He looks at Patch. “I figured you’d do it. Axel called me over the weekend and asked if I was interested, but I’ve got so much going on at work I don’t wanna drop… Seems like Ryan was up for it, though.”
I look at Patch, who shakes his head. “Guess he got to Ryan before me,” he says. “I never got a call.”
Flynn pays for his beer. “Guess so. Thanks for this.”
He takes the drink over to another group of wolves in the corner, and I lean closer to Patch so they won’t hear us.
“Ryan?”
“I don’t know why he’d want to go,” Patch replies.
“Would you have done it if Axel asked?”
“No,” Patch says. “He hurt you, Dax. Fuck that. I don’t want to be anywhere near him.”
“I—”
Patch shakes his head, and I cut myself off. I can’t help the guilt I feel. Vince hurt me, but that was my fault. I didn’t tell him the truth. He wouldn’t have had the chance to hurt me—or at least not as badly—if I’d just told him about it.
“Dax…”
“It’s fine,” I say, the words clipped. “I’m sure Ryan will be…”
Fucking awful. Patch’s grimace tells me he thinks the same thing. I don’t understand why he’d say yes. He was dismissive of the mere idea of the classes when Axel brought them up to us. He’s too arrogant. He won’t listen to Vince. He’ll think he knows better, and he’ll push the wolves too hard, and—
“Breathe, Dax,” Patch murmurs.
I suck in a sharp breath. “It’s going to be a disaster.”
“Much as I hate to say it, your guy’s gonna be just fine. He’s tough.”
“He’s not… He’s not mine.”
“Still.”
“I know he will be. Kieran wouldn’t let Ryan go to the classes if he didn’t think he could help.”
Patch hums thoughtfully. “Not everything is always up to the alpha. You know that.”
I do. And I know that Vince ordered Kieran out of the house, too. Have they spoken since? They must have, if Vince is still running the classes.
What if he isn’t ?
Have I fucked this up for everyone?
“It’ll be okay,” Patch says, “and anyway, it’s not your problem to worry about anymore, is it?”
“No. No, it isn’t.” My throat is dry, and the backs of my eyes sting.
I did this to myself.
I did this.
“I’m just gonna—got to get some stuff out of the back. Give me a shout if anyone comes, yeah?”
I’m not hiding anything, and Patch knows it. His voice is pained when he says my name.
“I’ll be back in a sec.”
I rush away before I can look him in the face again, scurrying into the back of the pub, and only when I’ve got a couple of firmly closed doors between me and the rest of the place do I drop my head into my hands.
This is it. This is what I’ve done to myself. And unless I leave, all I’ll be able to do is stand around and watch as life goes on without me.