Page 38 of Fever Dream

Chapter Twenty

Grace

Dr.Branson increased our number of weekly sessions after what happened in the common room with Joy.I was sent back to my room after the incident, and I’ve now lost all privileges.All for trying to help.

At the time, I was relieved to be sent to this room.I was terrified that I’d be sent to shock therapy or to hydrotherapy or to whatever fresh hell they have going on within these walls.The relief wasn’t only because I’d seemingly escaped harsher punishment.It was because I had the pills, and I needed to get them off my person and into a proper hiding spot.In the end, there was nowhere particularly inconspicuous in this room, but with some effort, I managed to create the smallest of tears in the mattress by pulling at some loose threading.It’s not perfect, but it will have to do for now.

“Saving up for a rainy day?”Elizabeth asked one day out of the blue.

I had made sure that she was out of the room whenever I worked on my hiding spot, and still, somehow she knows.

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, Grace.You can’t bullshit a bullshitter.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Are you going to kill yourself or what?”

“What’s it to you?”

“Have you ever actually seen a person die?”

“No.”

“So then, you have no idea what an overdose looks like?”

I shook my head.

“That’s what it is to me.You can’t run around here acting like your actions don’t effect anyone else.”

“Why not?You do.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You let him use you.So he thinks he can use the rest of us.”

She laughed.An angry, bitter laugh.“It’s nice to know what you think of me.”

Elizabeth brought her knees up to her chest and folded her arms around them.“Have you ever stopped to think I’m protecting you?You and everyone else?”

No, I hadn’t thought that.

“If Dr.B is occupied with me, he can’t very well be too occupied with anyone else, now can he?”she scoffed.“Jesus, Grace.I thought you were smarter than that.”

“You told me to flirt with him.You told me to give him sexual details about my marriage.”

“For good reason.”

“What reason would that be?”

“He never wants that which wants him.”

I sat there in silence for a long time, thinking about what she was saying.Finally, she sighed and nodded toward my mattress.“Just don’t get caught.And don’t try to pin it on me, either, when you do.”

“I won’t.”

She laughed.It was a sad laugh.The kind that said: “You’re so stupid, Grace.”

“Don’t worry.I’ll be careful.”

“Yeah, well,” she said.“That never quite works out like you think it will.”