Page 3 of Fever Dream

Well, I mean, then he hadn’t.I guess that’s all changed now with me being in here.I smile, wondering how he’s managing.How’s he getting on with work?But just as quickly as it sneaks up on me, I push the thought away.

It feels like a sucker punch straight to my gut, thinking like this.Even though, sometimes, when I can stomach it, I do let myself go there.It’s like tiptoeing in just to see how the water feels.It’s rarely pleasant, but that never stops me from trying.I can never quite quell the desperate curiosity.I tell myself this is a good thing, although I’m not so sure.

“All right,” the lady in white said like an afterthought.“Let’s get you settled.”

As she led me up three flights of stairs and down a long hall to this room, I thought of all the stories Charles will have to share when he finds me.Stories about the children, about how he never stopped searching,how could he?

He’s not cut out to be both momanddad.He used to say something to that effect whenever I’d complain about needing a break.Try doing my job, would ya?

I used to spend a lot of time thinking about that.About actually getting to do his job.How wonderful it would be to shuffle out of bed after a restful night’s sleep, to find your coffee and newspaper waiting on the table, eggs frying in the pan.I used to dream about commuting in peace and the consumption of uninterrupted lunches that someone else made.

Now, I understand.What he said was true.You should be careful what you wish for.

Yes, those things had happened that evening.And yes, I was getting my period, and Imighthave lost my temper.But what I did not do is murder my family in cold blood.