Page 37 of Fanboy in the Falls (Devon Falls #3)

My whole brain shut down as he took control, and I felt totally and completely at peace. —Gabe Gomez

Watching Tom and Colin realize how they really feel about each other is like watching the plot of a book unfold in front of you, page by page.

It starts with breakfast, and Colin cooking for Tom while Tom makes snarky comments about how many chives he’s putting in the eggs.

It’s a scene you can tell is comfortable and familiar for them, even in this strange place.

All their usual patterns are there: the way Tom pokes a spatula against the eggs in the pan and jokes about color ratios, the way Colin nudges him with a hip while he takes down plates and hands Tom a cup of coffee.

I watch from the recliner they’ve pulled into the kitchen for me, my leg raised and my own cup of coffee on the little TV tray next to me that Tom set up, and I laugh at how well they know every moment of each other’s patterns.

Right up until Colin turns around from the stove to lean down and kiss Tom on the lips. He stands slightly and runs a hand back through Tom’s hair, and Tom’s eyes go wide. His body stops and tenses for a moment, and he blinks and stares at Colin.

Like he still can’t believe this is real.

But Colin just keeps adding more moments like that into their routine.

He hugs me around the neck gently after he sets down my eggs, and then he does the same for Tom.

As we all eat together, he stops every now and then to gently trace a hand up and down Tom’s thigh.

The third time he does it, Tom stops looking so surprised.

My two caretakers are obsessed with making sure I get my painkillers in the proper dosage, and that I get plenty of rest, so after breakfast I’m relocated to the couch with my leg raised on a stack of pillows while they do the dishes.

I look around the room, then down at the TV remote Tom placed in my hand before he kissed me on the forehead and lined water and tea cups around me.

The ache for Lou that’s lived in my chest since we left the hospital pings gently in the silence of the room.

I imagine my brother in this space, begging Colin to do puzzles and asking Tom to play tag outside.

I wonder what he’s doing right now. My phone says it’s nine o’clock, so he should be at school.

I wonder if he’s even going this week, or if he’s too upset.

I wish I could text Benson and tell him how much Lou likes chocolate chip pancakes when he’s sad, but the social worker said I shouldn’t even text Benson and Jack during this waiting hell he’s putting me through.

He said it might be seen as me “impeding the investigation” if I reach out to Lou’s caretakers.

My phone rings in my hand, and hope rises in my belly, then sinks when I see who it is. I answer. “Hi, Bethany.”

“Don’t you sound thrilled to hear from me.”

I wince. “Oh, sorry. I was just hoping the social worker was calling. With, you know. News.”

Bethany sighs. “Oh, hon. Yeah, that sucks. No, just me, calling to check on you. But it’s only been like a day, right? I know it’s hard to have patience right now, but this will all work out. That dude will see how much you and Lou mean to each other. He’ll see through Dave. I’m sure of it.”

I glance through the living doorway into the kitchen, where Tom and Colin are hip to hip again, laughing lightly as they hand dishes back and forth to each other over the sink.

Seeing them together like that, so full and free in every way, makes my heart soar.

Maybe I’m supposed to be jealous of the two of them together or something, but how could I be?

All I see when I look at them together is pure happiness.

“I hate Dave,” I burst out in a low voice.

“Okay. Well, I’d say that’s more than reasonable,” Bethany says.

“I mean,” I go on, “I just don’t understand, you know?

” I study Tom and Colin through the doorway.

I try to imagine looking at them and seeing what Dave sees: something different from how he falls in love.

Something that doesn’t make sense to him, personally.

Therefore, it must be wrong. It must be hated and fought against.

Just like little boys wearing princess dresses.

None of it makes any sense. “How can he look at people living in love and be angry at them for it? How can he see the way Lou’s face lights up when he sees a dress or a toy he likes and feel anything but thrilled that he’s happy?

” I let my voice drop again. “I almost texted Dave last night,” I whisper into the phone.

“Oh no.” I can practically hear Bethany groan over the phone. “Please tell me you didn’t, Gabe.”

“I didn’t,” I assure her. “But it was really close. I woke up in the middle of the night, and Tom and Colin were both asleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about how messed up everything’s gotten since my mother died.

Dave was so different before she got sick, you know?

I kept thinking, maybe I could text him and make him change his mind.

Remind him how happy he and my mom were when Lou was born.

” I poke at the fringe on the blanket covering me.

“I even thought,” I whisper again, “about just… lying. Telling him I’m not dating Tom and Colin and he’s got it all wrong.

Maybe I could ask him if we could just go back to the way things were. ”

Bethany’s quiet for a moment. “Is that what you want?” she finally asks.

I try to imagine that for a moment. Lou and Dave living together again, in the small blue house. Me in my old, tiny apartment back in Dairy Corners, where I had more rats than heat. Me begging Dave for space in Lou’s life, always wondering and worrying what Lou might try to wear or say around Dave.

No more Tom. No more Colin. No more of this bubble of happiness that wraps around me when I’m with them.

I close my eyes against the tears that start to well up there.

“No,” I whisper. “I don’t. I really, really don’t.

But Bethany, I told you about that stupid drug charge they have against me. And Dave is Lou’s dad, and I—”

“And you’re his brother,” Bethany interrupts in an even tone.

“And, hon, I’ve never seen anyone who loves their brother more than you do.

So be honest with me. Could you really live a life with Lou where you’re constantly showing him that people don’t get to be fully, totally themselves because of what other people think?

Could you live with yourself if you let him be raised believing there’s something wrong with him just because he likes certain clothes or toys? Could you really do that, Gabe?”

It all feels so obvious when she puts it like that. “No. I couldn’t.”

“I don’t think you could either.” Bethany sighs.

“I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you right now, playing this waiting game while you can’t even talk to Lou and you have no idea what’s going on with Dave.

And I know you’ve had to be in control and be the person who takes care of everything and fixes everything for a really, really long time. ”

I let out a strangled laugh. “Yeah. That’s pretty true.”

“So maybe you just need to give yourself permission to let go of that control, just for a little bit. Trust Jack and Benson. Trust Ellie. And trust those hotties of yours to take care of you. For now, okay? Just… let go, Gabe. Let some other people be in control, just this once.”

Those directions are so exactly opposite to what I’m used to doing that my whole body clenches as I’m listening to her.

But then I remember how it felt yesterday, to lie in one place while Colin ordered me to do exactly as he asked.

My whole brain shut down as he took control, and I felt totally and completely at peace. Just for those few minutes.

I can do hard things, I think to myself . All by myself.

But maybe I don’t have to all the time. “I’ll see what I can do,” I tell Bethany.

“I guess I’ll have to accept that answer for now. Oh hell, did I tell you what happened with the guests who checked into the red room last night? So they tried to take a shower together, but they were using these handcuffs…”

Bethany unwinds a story involving another visit from our favorite La Fierte firefighters, but I’m only half-listening as my eyes stay on the men in the kitchen.

I watch as Tom slowly reaches across a counter, gently rests his hand on Colin’s, then pulls it away quickly, like he’s touched a live burner.

But Colin grabs hold of Tom’s hand and wraps it up in his.

He grins at Tom. “Trust me, sweetheart,” he whispers.

I can do hard things.

Still, even as Bethany’s talking, my thumb itches toward the contacts list on my phone. And it keeps landing right back on Dave’s number.