Page 19

19

I don’t know why, but I’m not super excited when I drive to Roan’s apartment on Wednesday evening. I’ve already been to his place a few times, so it’s not due to that.

It’s because of Kitty. Of course. She’s going to be there tonight.

I don’t want to hurt her because she obviously doesn’t understand that Roan and I are just friends.

But my stomach is already queasy again. I think briefly about canceling, worrying that I’ve caught something worse than I previously thought. Very strange.

But it’s too late for that; I’m already there. There’s no point in turning back, so I ring the bell. The buzzer sounds, and I push open the door and then take the elevator to the third floor.

The door to Roan and Eoin’s apartment is already open. Every step down the corridor is harder and harder.

I don’t like this. I really don’t. It’s going to be a terrible evening, I know it.

I don’t normally have such premonitions, but right now, everything inside me is screaming that tonight is not going to end well.

But despite my own best judgment, I go inside.

And I’m instantly relieved.

I was afraid it would just be the three of us, but Eoin is there, as are Tara, Leah, and Finn. Thank goodness. At least it won’t be too awkward.

Roan comes toward me with a smile before hugging me and kissing me on the cheek.

Then I greet the others. I smile at Kitty a little shyly which is not my usual nature, but I’m not sure how to deal with her.

She smiles back, also a little cautiously, but at least it’s a smile.

The others behave the same as usual—loud, friendly, and boisterous—as if the air wasn’t so thick that you could cut it.

“What would you like to drink?” Roan asks me.

“Um, Coke?”

He nods. “All right.”

He brings me my drink and sits down on the spacious sectional couch, leaving a few cushions between us. I am relieved that he is sitting far away from me.

Not because I want him far away. On the contrary, I like it when we’re close together. But it might be insensitive to Kitty, which I don’t want.

“So, what happened at Juicy’s yesterday?” I hear Tara ask Finn.

He rolls his eyes. “Some idiot had the great idea of smoking a joint in the toilet, which, of course, set off the smoke alarms, as well as the sprinkler system. There must have been something wrong with the settings because it didn’t just go off in the bathroom but everywhere. At first, the drunken guests thought it was some kind of foam party, so they didn’t clear out until the police and fire department arrived.”

“Oh dear,” says Leah. “And now what happens?”

“Everything is wet and has to dry out first, which is why we’re closing for a few days.”

“Can Matt afford it?” asks Tara. “He’s the owner of the pub,” she explains to me.

“Oh, of course. The family is practically swimming in money. His wife has her own company; his buddies are fat cats in the business world. That’s not the problem. The only big problem will be replacing any of the bar furniture if it’s ruined, but that’s just annoying, not particularly bad.”

“So, you’re unemployed for now, is what you’re saying,” says Eoin.

“Something like that.”

“You could go to the Lake Tahoe house a few days earlier,” Roan suggests.

Finn grins. “That’s a good idea. Maybe Cam’s up for it, too.” He looks at Eoin. “What about you?”

He shakes his head. “Sorry. A firefighter never has free time. Unfortunately.”

“How much longer do you have to go in your training course?” Kitty asks.

Is it my imagination, or is the look Eoin gives her not the friendliest? Not exactly unfriendly, but he doesn’t seem to like her very much.

I wonder why. Roan mentioned that the O’Brien clan can be less than warm before they welcome someone new into their ranks, but Kitty has been a part of Roan’s life for a long time. His best friend. I would have assumed that she was also considered part of his family.

“Two more weeks.”

“Oh, wow,” I say smiling. “Then you’ll be a real hero soon.”

He grins at me. “I could save you already.”

I laugh. “You’re such a weirdo. I’m not a damsel in distress.”

Finn chimes in. “We hadn’t assumed the virgin part.”

“Haha,” I say amused. “I’m not that bad.”

“Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, Jenna,” Tara interjects. “Even if you were to hook up with someone different every day, that would be totally okay.”

For whatever reason, I look at Roan when these words are spoken. He doesn’t look like that would be okay with him, but men are weird about that. They pat each other on the back when they hook up with lots of people but are offended when women do the same.

I hadn’t taken Roan for that kind of man, but everyone has their flaws. Me too. Just very few, of course.

“I’m available,” Finn jokes.

“No need,” I reply.

He clutches his heart. “Oh wow, that hurts.”

Roan punches him pretty hard in the side, which makes Finn laugh. “Wow, you hit like a girl.”

Roan rolls his eyes. “You couldn’t handle any more than that.”

“Are you calling me a wimp?”

“Clearly.” Roan grins at him. “Always have been.”

“Hey, I’m a tough guy. Remember?”

Eoin calls out: “Are the prison stories coming up again?”

“He never dropped the soap,” Tara adds with a grin.

Prison? That rings a bell, but I can’t quite remember.

I must look quite confused because Finn explains, “I did a little time for stealing a car.”

“Oh, I’m…sorry to hear that,” I say awkwardly.

“Yes, it certainly wasn’t my best idea.”

“But he hasn’t done anything wrong since then,” explains Leah. “He’s a real paragon.”

Finn pinches the bridge of his nose. “I never want to go back there.”

“I remember what that was like when you were in prison,” Kitty comments. “Your whole family was devastated.”

Finn sits up straighter. “Thanks for the reminder.”

She shrugs. “That’s the way it was. Your mom cried for weeks.”

It is suddenly very quiet.

“I’m not sure that’s any of your goddamn business,” Eoin says, his tone sharper than I’ve ever heard it.

“Hey,” Roan interjects, frowning, “she didn’t mean it like that. Don’t snap at her.”

Leah puts her hands on her hips. “I respect your friendship and all, but is it really necessary to make Finn feel guilty about something he already struggles with day in, day out? At best, it’s insensitive, at worst, it’s just mean.”

“See?” asks Kitty, gesturing angrily at Roan. “I told you your family has never liked me!”

“That’s not true at all. We’re just annoyed that you manipulate Roan so often,” explains Tara, coming to stand beside her sister.

My first instinct is to leave. This is definitely not something I should witness.

“Guys, Kitty is my friend. You don’t have to approve of that, but you do have to respect it. You’re all being completely inappropriate right now,” says Roan.

“That’s all you’re going to say?” Kitty shouts angrily. “I bet if your family attacked her like that, you’d defend her a little better than this.” She points at me with an extended finger.

I had been about to stand up from the sofa, but I stay seated, blinking in surprise and embarrassment at being singled out.

“I understand that you’re hurt and angry, but leave Jenna out of it,” Roan replies, taking a deep breath.

“You see? You’re already defending her!”

Finn puts up his hands in a “calm down” gesture. “Hey, this was supposed to be a nice evening. Kitty didn’t mean to be rude; it was just a bit thoughtless. It’s all good. I don’t blame her.” He gives her a friendly smile.

“I haven’t done anything to be blamed for,” she snaps at him, then turns her fury back to Roan. “Your family has never liked me, but since she came along, they’ve downright hated me.”

“Nobody hates you,” says Tara with an exhausted-sounding sigh.

“But you all love her ! How come no one ever gave me that chance?” she hisses.

“Kitty, no one means you any harm,” Leah reassures her, looking at Roan.

I look at him, too. I can see bewilderment on his face. And also, a sad kind of pleading.

My stomach flutters, and I press a hand on my belly. Not again.

“You can’t deny that you love her , all of you, even though you’ve only just met her and you have known me for years!”

I never knew how much malice a pronoun could contain, but every time she spits the word “her”, I think that if words were knives, I’d be dead on the floor.

“Kitty, that’s enough,” says Roan, now sounding like he is struggling to control his temper.

“Yeah, calm down before you say things you can’t take back,” Eoin tries to soothe her.

She laughs bitterly. “Oh yes, that’s right. She can’t know the truth under any circumstances. We wouldn’t want to scare her off.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, my own irritation growing. I’m tired of her drama.

Her head snaps toward me. “Everyone here knows. Only you are completely clueless, Ms. Perfect!”

“Kitty, drop it!” Roan’s voice takes on a slightly panicked tone.

“You’re being really unfair, Kitty,” Tara says. “Leave Jenna out of it. She has absolutely nothing to do with our problems. You’re just being a manipulative bitch.”

“Can we all just calm down?” asks Finn again.

Leah shrugs, her hands still on her hips, her expression stony. “Maybe its time for this all to play out, one way or the other.”

Roan shakes his head in her direction.

“Wow, Kitty, how can you say you’re friends with Roan and then pull something like this?” Eoin asks scornfully.

She glares daggers at him. “Roan is my best friend. I’m his best friend! How dare you?”

I finally stand up from the couch. While I’m curious to see how this is all going to unfold, I’m clearly making the situation worse.

I decide to leave and have almost reached the door when Kitty calls after me.

“I hope you disappear from our lives forever!”

“Kitty, what the fuck?! Leave her alone!” For the first time tonight, Roan sounds genuinely angry.

“You’re just afraid that I might tell her that you love her!”

The words fly in one ear and out the other before I register them.

Love. Did she really say love? Roan loves me?

“You really suck, Kitty,” declares Eoin. Finn sighs heavily. Tara and Leah are quiet, as is Roan.

I turn around, meeting his gaze.

When I do, I see that it’s true. Roan loves me. For him, it’s not friendship. For him, it’s more. Much more. It’s written on his face. This is not just a light infatuation, it’s serious. Very serious.

It’s the same expression I see on Dad’s face when he looks at Mom. The same expression Jared wears when he looks at Nina. And it’s the same look Cameron gave Sam at the rugby match three days ago.

This is not fleeting. Not in any way. It is love. True love.

“Jenna,” he whispers hoarsely.

I don’t know what to do.

Everyone is staring at me. Everyone expects a reaction from me. Even Kitty just watches me, looking spellbound and a little remorseful. She must realize that she’s just thrown her supposed best friend under the bus.

But I don’t care about any of that. All I care about is Roan. Who is looking at me with such hope that I feel dizzy.

What can I say? What should I say? What do I want to say?

He loves me.

“Say something,” he murmurs.

I look around. They all knew. All of them. Roan hasn’t made a secret of his feelings to anyone, but he never told me.

Why not? Why did he keep me in the dark?

I feel betrayed. Lied to. I had no idea. I never wanted a relationship. He promised me we could just be friends. And then he went ahead and fell in love with me.

He made it complicated. He destroyed everything.

“Maybe…you two should discuss this alone,” Leah suggests.

Everyone begins to get up, but I can’t do this right now. I can’t. I need a moment to myself, alone, to conquer this chaos inside me.

“I need time to think,” I say quietly. Then I rush out of the apartment so fast that no one has time to try and stop me.

I don’t want to wait for the elevator, so I take the stairs, two steps at a time. I stumble, manage to catch myself, fall into my car, and drive away.

I don’t know where I’m going. Just away. Away from this moment.

I stop at some point, with no clue how long I’ve been driving or where I am. I slowly get out of the car. I’m parked near a cliff on the coast, with the wild waves of the Pacific Ocean crashing beneath me.

I stare out to sea, trying to grasp what just happened.

Roan loves me.

That’s why he sometimes has facial expressions that I don’t recognize or understand. I never put it together until now, but it’s so clear. He hasn’t made a secret of it, not at all. All this time, he’s treated me like he would treat his steady girlfriend.

He took care of me when I was feeling bad. He has always been there for me. He introduced me to his family and made sure it felt like my own. He even promised my dad that he would protect me.

I am so fucking stupid.

A man doesn’t just do that for a friend. And certainly not a man like Roan. When he makes a commitment like that, it’s forever. Forever and ever. He does not make such a promise lightly.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and call my mom.

“Hey, sweetie. Everything okay?” she answers cheerfully.

“Did you know?” I ask her, not bothering with a greeting.

“Know what?” she asks cautiously.

“That Roan loves me!”

She sighs softly. “Yes. I knew that.”

“And Dad knows, too?”

“Him too.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because Roan asked me not to tell you.”

“And that’s more important to you than I am?” I demand, knowing I’m being unfair but not caring at the moment.

“He didn’t want to put any pressure on you.”

My head is spinning. I can’t think clearly. “What do you mean?”

“If you knew that he loved you, two things could have happened. One, you would have reacted the way you did in the past—you would have felt obliged to enter into a relationship with him, you would have felt taken in. And he definitely didn’t want that. He wanted you to fall in love with him on your own, without any external pressure.”

“Or?”

“Or, you would have broken off contact with him because you have this crazy idea that you don’t want a relationship, and you would want to spare him the suffering.”

“Oh,” I murmur, watching the waves pound the rocky shoreline.

“Am I right?”

“Maybe,” I admit.

“But you’re still missing the point,” she continues.

“And what point would that be?”

“He already knows you so well, knows about your desire for freedom and your autonomy, that he was willing to put his feelings aside just to be friends with you. He wanted you to find out what you want for yourself.”

“But what should I do now?”

“Sweetie, I don’t know. Only your heart can tell you that.”

“But it doesn’t talk to me.”

“Maybe you’re just not listening.”

“Hmmm,” I say again.

“Do you want my opinion?”

“Yes.”

“It might be true that you didn’t want a relationship, but plans have to be thrown out the window when things change.”

“But did they? Change?”

“Only you can answer that, Jenna.”

I sigh. “I know. I’m confused.”

“I know, sweetie. Then, just ask yourself this: Who do you spend most of your time with? Who do you think about when you wake up? Who do you want to tell immediately when something happens? And who is always there for you? I know in the past the answer has always been Nina, but has something shifted in the last few weeks? Or is it still the same?”

I chew on my lip. “I’ll have to think about it.”

“You should do that. You have all the time in the world.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“Any time, my darling. Call me if you want to talk or if you want to tell me something.”

“Okay.”

“One more thing,” she adds.

“What?”

“I know you’re afraid of losing yourself again because it happened to you before. But be brave. Don’t be afraid. Roan knows you.”

“Okay.”

When I hang up, I walk along the coast, letting the wind blow through my hair.

Mom is right. I am scared. Scared of losing myself again. Scared of putting another person’s needs before my own again. Scared of losing my best friend.

I’m most afraid of that last one. I’ve already gotten so used to Roan. It would destroy me if he wasn’t there anymore.

But is it friendship, or is it love?

How the hell am I supposed to know? My past two relationships weren’t exactly great examples of love.

I take a deep breath. I may not be an expert on love, but I am an expert on friendship. I know what friendship shouldn’t feel like because I experienced that a lot when I was young, but I also know what it should feel like because I have Nina. No girl could wish for a better friend.

Roan said that maybe I have the relationship with Nina that I don’t have with men.

I stop walking. Oh God.

Because Nina is so much more than just a friend, what if I didn’t realize that Roan is also so much more than just a friend?

I love Nina; she’s my soulmate. I want to spend as much time with her as possible, tell her everything. We send each other messages when we wake up and before we go to bed. I think about her all day long.

But someone else has joined that routine over the last few weeks. I also send Roan messages in the morning and evening. I want to spend as much time with him as I can. I think about him all the time. I can talk to him about anything, no matter how absurd it is. He never judges me; he’s always there for me.

And I do the same for him.

That is not just friendship.

That’s something…more.

Mom was right when she said that Roan gave me a gift by giving me time. By hiding his true feelings.

Who does something like that?

Only him.

My Roan.

Have I ruined everything?

This thought turns my stomach. I run back to my car, switch on the GPS, and drive as fast as I can back to the city.

Only one sentence echoes through my mind the whole way.

I love Roan. I love Roan. I love Roan.