Page 38

CHAPTER 37

LIZZY

VACATION’S OVER

I’ve been looking forward to tonight all day. I could barely focus at the office. I know after last night, I want to tell Clay how I feel about him. And now that things are finalized with HR, I want to tell him I’m going to be here full time. I know I’m not doing it just for him, but he’s a very real, very big reason why too. He’s opened up so much to me these last months that I want to reward that trust.

So tonight is our first real date and it feels like such a big step. It feels like the perfect time to tell him everything. And when I get home from the office and see him, already dressed to go out, I practically can’t contain my excitement.

“Sure you can be ready in time? Reservation’s in an hour.” He smirks at me and taps his watch. “I seem to remember you’re pretty slow at getting ready.”

I hang my bags and jacket on the coat rack by the door before setting my shoes in the tray. Surprisingly, that routine has become so normal for me, even if he doesn’t seem to care about it as much now.

“I think you’ll like tonight’s outfit.” I walk towards him, reaching up on my toes to kiss him, breathing in his woodsy scent. I run a finger down the open neckline of his shirt before playfully grabbing his firm ass. “Now, get out of my way so I can get ready and, if you’re lucky, maybe I’ll forget part of my outfit so we can repeat last night.”

I walk past him toward the bedrooms, looking over my shoulder to see him frozen where I left him. His hungry eyes are locked on me, watching every step. He doesn’t know it, but that hungry stare makes my heart flutter and my breathing hitch every time.

“Alright. I stand corrected.” Clay watches me walk down the hall, dressed for date night. I wore a cute red dress, a color he’s never seen me in, and I already like the effect it’s having. “You got ready in time and you look like that. Remind me never to doubt you.”

He steps towards me, backing me into the kitchen island. I smirk up at him when his hands run up and down the skin tight fabric of my dress that matches the color of my lip stain. He cranes his neck to bring his lips to mine for a long, lingering kiss.

“If you keep doing that, then you’ll be the reason we’re late for dinner.” I tap him on the nose.

He flashes me a wicked, wanting grin and brings his lips to my ear. “Maybe we should just skip dinner and I can peel that dress off of you right here.”

He nips my ear and I suck in a short breath, thinking for a second that staying in with him would always be a good choice. But I collect myself, remembering that tonight I have plans with him that I’ve been excited about all day.

I grab him by the hand, leading him towards the door to go out to my Bronco. “Come on, let’s go. But save that energy for later.” I wink at him before heading out the door.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be thinking about ripping that off of you all night.” He walks in front of me, stepping down off the porch and opening the passenger door for me. He holds my hand while I climb up, slapping my ass before I sit down. I glare back at him playfully and he chuckles before shutting my door and walking around to the driver seat, plugging his phone in for the GPS .

Looking in the mirror to check my makeup before we leave, I realize my handsy boyfriend smudged it. I reach down for my purse to get my lip stain and realize I left it inside, probably distracted by said handsy boyfriend.

“I’m going to run in to grab my purse. I’ll be right back.”

He reaches over, putting his hand on my bare thigh, tracing his thumb over the sensitive skin. “Stay here. I’ll get it.”

He smiles at me softly before opening the door and walking inside.

I sit there, practically giddy about tonight when my car’s touchscreen lights up with ping after ping. I look at the notifications, seeing Kayleigh, Kayleigh, Kayleigh. New Message. New Message. New Message.

I grab his phone to silence the notifications and it opens.

Shit. I forgot he programmed my face in it.

In an instant, his messages are opened.

Kayleigh: Are you busy? I need to see you.

Kayleigh: Are you home? Can I come over?

Kayleigh: Is Lizzy there? You can come over here if it’s easier. I need you right now.

My heart pounds and my ears ring while I stare at the messages.

No. No. This can’t be happening again. I grab the phone and swing open the passenger door, not even sure where I’m going or what’s happening.

There’s no way. Clay isn’t Johnathan.

I take two steps from the car back toward the house when Clay walks out with my purse. The smile on his face, that boyish, carefree one I’ve fallen in love with, disappears in an instant when he sees my face.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, his voice filled with concern as he steps toward me .

I hold out the phone, saying nothing, trying to hold myself together. He grabs it, confusion on his face before he scrolls through the text messages.

“Shit,” he says gruffly, combing his fingers through his inky hair before pulling it in a fist. “Did you scroll up?”

“No, I didn’t.” I look at him almost dumfounded. “And that’s all you’re going to say? Shit?”

He looks back at me, eerily calm but still tense. “I told you. We’re just friends. She needs me for something.”

My breathing quickens and my apprehension overwhelms me. “That doesn’t sound like she needs just anything, Clay. I want to trust you, I want to believe you.” I hear my frantic breaths through my nose as my jaw clenches. “But I need more .”

He stares back at me, but the look on his face is something else, something I’ve never seen before. There’s doubt. There's conflict. He looks tortured.

He lower’s his eyes to the ground and his voice is a faint, broken whisper. “I’ve told you everything I can. Nothing is happening between us. That’s it. I need you to trust me.”

“I don’t know if that’s good enough for me anymore. Not right now.”

I turn away and start walking to the driver side of the car when he cries out. “Lizzy, please. Don’t go.” I turn to see him taking a step towards me and I hold up a finger between us, stopping him in his tracks.

“I can’t do this right now. I need to leave.”

“I’m telling you the truth. Please, don’t.” His voice is still the quiet, eerie whisper that shakes me to my bones. And the desperate look in his eyes is one I can’t reconcile with the cocky, playful man I know .

“I’m sorry. I just need to take a beat.” I start to turn back to my car when he drops to his knees between me and the house. “I am begging you, please stay.”

The sight is jarring. This is the proudest, most stubborn, determined man I've met. Seeing him kneeling before me, on the verge of breaking down, is nearly my undoing.

I step back toward him and kneel down in front of him. I reach out, holding the sides of his face, rubbing a stray tear away from his cheek. Those beautiful green eyes, the ones that make me feel so seen, so wanted, look so distraught. The way his chest heaves from labored breathing, the veins pulsing in his neck, all tear at my heart. This isn’t the look of a man who would lie to me or hurt me. He’s not defensive or angry. He’s not lashing out.

No. This is the look of a man terrified of losing something he needs to live, like he’s running out of air to breathe. This is a man grasping and clawing for purchase, for any semblance of control, desperate to fix something he thinks is broken. This is a man trying his best not to fall apart in this moment. This is the man that I’ve fallen for when I didn’t think I could truly feel love again.

I run my hand through his hair, watching his throat bob and his pulse quicken while he leans into my touch. I want so desperately to trust him. In my heart, I do trust him .

But something in the back of my mind is telling me I need more from him, more than he’s willing to give me right now in this moment. My brain is telling me I deserve to feel good about this. I need space to make sure I’m right. I said I wouldn’t let myself be defined by another man and I don’t want to make a mistake in the heat of the moment. Looking into his eyes, I know if I stay here right now, I won’t be able to stay away from him and think clearly.

“Clay,” I whisper, trying to keep my voice from fraying.

Stay calm, Lizzy. Be strong .

“I’m not leaving you. I’m not ending this between us. But I need space. I need to clear my head. And I need you to realize this isn’t something you can control or fix, as badly as you want to.” I take a deep breath, steadying myself. “I’m not something you can control.”

His eyes lock on mine, but he doesn’t move. The only sounds are his labored breaths. “I could never tame you, Lizzy.” Something about that tears right at my heart again because I know he means it. “And I wouldn’t want to.”

“And that’s why I love you, Clay Chapman. That’s why I fucking love you, against every self-preservation instinct I have.” This time, I wipe a stray tear from my eye. “You think everyone sees you as leftovers from all your tragedies like it’s some weakness or flaw. But to me, that’s the most beautiful thing about you. What you see as the broken shards of yourself, I see as special, perfect little pieces that come together to make the beautiful mosaic you are. The unique person that sees me and makes me feel special. That’s why I’m so helplessly in love with you.”

I raise my eyes to meet his and there’s the slightest bit of hope there. “Then please. Don’t go.”

I rub his cheek again, the feeling of his stubble still sending shivers through me even right now. “I’m sorry, Clay. I need some time for myself tonight. But I’m not running from you.” I look back into his eyes, trying to remind him of that night we talked at the condo. “I’m going back to my family’s place. I’m not leaving you, but I need space. Please respect that.”

I plant one, soft kiss to his forehead, breathing in his soothing scent. Then I gather all the strength I have to stand, turn away, and walk to my Bronco, already fighting every fiber of my being telling me to turn back and go to him right now.

By the time I get back to the Aspen Grove Club and get in the elevator, I’m a frantic mess. I almost feel like I did that day last summer when I showed up on Veronica’s porch, for an entirely different list of reasons.

I just walked away from the man I love. Three months ago when we first met, I didn’t even think I was capable of that. I didn’t even know what I wanted in my life after I was given a second chance to start over. And now I’m reeling because I found him, I found what I want, who I want.

I don’t want safe. I know I want Clay, the man that lights a fire in me just by looking at me with those eyes that see me like no one else. I want him and all of his broken shards that fit into mine. I want him and that heart that’s seen so much loss and still pours out more for the people he loves.

And if I’m reeling, I know he has to be heartbroken right now. He’s poured so much of his soul out to me. But I need to be sure that I’m ready for this, because there’s no recovering from this kind of love.

My heart pounds as I step off the elevator and head into the condo. At this moment, I’m glad Clay is the obsessive, reliable person he is because everything was fixed on time and I have a familiar place to take a night and think by myself.

When I walk in, I’m completely caught off guard when I see my dad sitting at the kitchen island on his laptop.

He briefly peeks over the screen, barely noticing me, before turning back to his work. “Oh hey, Lizzy. How was your day?”

I stand there with my purse still clenched in my hand, in complete disbelief. He just asked me how my day was. Did he even look at me? Can he not hear how hard I’m breathing ?

“It was shitty, Dad.” I can’t hide my irritation, my anger, my sniffling.

He doesn’t look up, but he points to a bottle of wine on the counter.

“Welcome to grab yourself a glass. Just opened it.” I stride around the island, grabbing a glass from the cabinet before standing next to him and pouring myself a very generous amount.

I glare back at him, taking a sip. He still hasn’t even looked up from his laptop again. This is how it always is with him, like I’m a ghost.

“That’s it? Nothing else to say? When did you even get here?”

He finally stops typing and looks up, taking his glasses off.

His eyes search my face, seeing my smeared makeup and my puffy red eyes. “I got here a couple days ago. I told you I was coming to town to check on a new investment, a company we just became the majority owner of. Is everything alright?”

My rage boils over. “You’ve been here for days and you haven’t even called me or messaged me? You haven’t even noticed that I haven’t been here at the condo and I’ve been staying at my boyfriend’s house the whole time?”

I look into his eyes again and think about what Clay asked. Have I ever told him how he makes me feel?

“And no, everything isn’t alright. My boyfriend is - I don't know - it’s complicated. And then there’s you .” His eyes are softer now, fixed on me. “Why do you always make me feel like I’m not good enough for you? Why does it feel like I’m an afterthought all the time?”

I take a long sip from my glass, sitting down at the island next to him, and bury my face into my palms as the tears fall.

A moment passes before I feel him wrap his arm around me, his hand rubbing my shoulder. His voice is almost like wind in the treetops, distant and faint. “I’m sorry, honey. I’m so sorry I ever made you feel that way. Tell me how I can help. ”

I drop my head to his shoulder, not remembering the last time I ever felt close or safe like this with him.

“Just be my dad, please. Talk to me, remember my birthday, find time for me.” I look up at him and I see the second set of broken eyes in a man today. “Show me that you love me.”

He lifts his hand, wiping away a stray tear before it reaches his cheek.

“I’ll try, Lizzy. You grew up so damn fast. You became so independent and so strong. It felt like overnight you became this fierce woman that didn’t need her dad anymore.” He chokes back another tear. “Charlotte was never like that. Then when she got sick and was in and out of the hospital, she needed us so much.”

“I needed you too, Dad.” I feel my lips quiver, remembering what it was like for all of us then. I know she was sick, but I still felt so cast aside.

“I know, sweetie, I know. It was so easy to take it for granted because you were so brave. I’ll always be sorry for that, but that doesn’t mean I ever stopped loving you. I always wanted the best for you. Schools, family trips, internships, everything. Somewhere along the way I just didn’t know how to talk to you anymore. But I love you, exactly the way you are.”

I drop my head back to his shoulder, suddenly glad that he’s here and that I’m not alone tonight. “Ok, Dad. I love you, too.”

He hums against my head, holding me tightly. “Now tell me about this boyfriend.”

This time I’m the one that rubs a tear from my eye. “I don’t know. Like I said, it’s complicated. But he’s special. He makes me feel special like no one else ever has.”

He hums softly in thought. “And do you love him?”

I groan and say it out loud for the second time today. “Yes. Yes, I do. ”

“Then I’d love to learn more about him and meet him. If anyone can work their way into your heart, they have to be something special.”

I laugh between my slowing tears. “Yeah, he’s something else.”

Minutes pass and I just enjoy the unexpected but welcome closeness of my dad. Today’s been a rollercoaster and this was definitely not how I expected it to end.

“What about you? What company did you buy now?”

A laugh rumbles from his chest behind me. “You really want to talk about my business? You never showed interest before when I offered to hire you.”

“Well, if I expect you to try harder, so should I.”

He lets out another short laugh. “Alright. We bought a local real estate developer. We’ve wanted to grow our footprint out West, especially with resort and leisure travel in ski towns. Their founder was looking to take a step back and it seemed like a good company. And he’s a local icon, which should help with marketing. They’re profitable, but could be doing better. I'm sure we’ll make something out of them.”

I nod, my tears and sniffling finally ending. “Sounds like a good fit.”

He hums in agreement. “I’m actually going to their annual banquet tomorrow. The Golden Jensen Family night at the Grand Lodge’s event hall.”

Golden Jensen Family . My head jerks up. “Say that again.”

I look at him and he shrugs. “Golden Jensen Family. What about it?”

Golden Jensen Family. GJF, Inc.

“Did you buy JSC?” I ask, a wave of realization hitting me.

“Yep. Sounds like you know them pretty well? ”

I nod. “You could say that.” I don’t know where to start with this. There’s a lot to go over. I point towards the bottle of wine. “Is there another one of those around? We might need it.”