Page 19 of Every Sunset

At thirteen I managed to get my first job cleaning a local bar in the mornings.

The owner paid me under the table in cash.

After that I worked for every penny I could to take care of myself.

Of course, my father stole what he could from me at every opportunity, and hit me for hiding cash from him. It was tough, but it was just my life.

School was no better. I was the subject of ridicule from my first day – the scruffy kid in clothes that didn’t fit.

To the other kids I was trash, even when I got polder and bought myself clothes that did fit, and learned to take care of myself.

I worried constantly about hiding the bruises my father inflicted and I was always an academic failure, especially when I started to work shifts as a server in seedy bars and even a strip club at one time, working late into the night and never getting enough sleep.

Then I found out I was pregnant and my entire life changed, but I was still drowning, always fighting for every single breath I took, and barely managing to stay above the water.

Only once Max was born I was fighting not just to keep myself above water, but my son too.

I fought like hell because I was determined to give him a life where he never felt as if he were drowning, but it wasn’t easy.

Drowning, always drowning. The struggle never seemed to end.

I was thirty-one years old, but I felt so much older.

But there, as Maddox held me, I couldn’t even feel the water trying to drag me under.

It was like he had wrenched me free and was holding me afloat, safe and calm.

It had been the same when he held me before, and with Logan that morning.

I didn’t understand why they could do that for me, but they just could.

Maybe deep down I trusted them enough to feel safe in their hold, but I shouldn’t.

Not when I barely knew them. I also knew that too, And once again, the water was returning. Drowning again.

I pulled from Maddox’s hold, making myself see sense.

I couldn’t give into peace and safety, because it wasn’t real!

I didn’t know Maddox or Logan. I was just a mess and they seemed to be the answer that I needed to get me through.

I couldn’t let my guard down again. I was a fool to do it once and I would pay for that for the rest of my life. Worse still, so would my son.

“You okay?” Maddox asked as he pulled open the passenger door of his truck.

“Of course,” I nodded with a calm I didn’t feel.

Why did it feel like I was tearing myself apart inside?

“I climbed into the truck and settled into the passenger seat, busying myself with fastening the seat belt as Maddox closed the door.

By the time he was sitting beside me, I had my stare firmly set out of the window and I was telling myself not to look at him again.

Thankfully, Maddox didn’t say anything either and the drive back was silent.

I was unfastening my belt and leaping from the car the very second Maddox brought it to a stop. I had to get away from him. I wasn’t strong enough to deny him if he locked those intense eyes on me and asked me what was wrong. I’d crumble and I knew it, and that I couldn’t do.

I raced around the side of the house, practically running to flee Maddox and just get to the safety of the cottage before he came after me.

“Mom!” Max called, forcing me to pause just as the solace of my home came into sight. I turned, taking a deep breath as I moved, trying to find the calm I wanted Max to see. I looked towards the house. Max was jogging towards me across the lawn, still dressed in his lifeguard uniform, from his job.

“Hey. Everything okay?” I asked him as he slowed to a stop before me.

“Great. Logan invited us to eat with them. He’s grilling steaks and they look so good! Where were you going? Did Maddox pick you up?”

“He did. I was heading home. I’m not really hungry,” I replied, trying to keep my smile firmly in place to reassure him.

“You need to eat more. Did you even eat before you left for work? There were no dishes in the kitchen when I got home?” he asked, sounding so much older than he was.

“Jesus, you sound like my dad!” I laughed, praying it looked real, “Well, not my dad, but you know…like a real dad.”

“Mom,” he sighed tiredly.

“I ate, Max! I also cleaned up after myself. You should try it sometime.”

“What did you eat?” he questioned, not for one second easing up on his suspicion.

“You do realize I’m the adult between us, right?” I tried for a light laughing tone, but my stress and exhaustion were showing and I knew it.

“Yeah, I do, but you’re also the woman who went through a major surgery last year and who’s life depends on her taking care of herself,” he pointed out, which took me aback. Of course what he was saying was true, but for him to almost reprimand me as he was, it was weird.

“Dammit Max! Just drop it!” I snapped. “I’m taking care of myself. I’m fine! Just stop trying to act like you’re grown. You’re not! You’re still a fucking child!”

“Hey! What’s going on?” I looked up and actually growled in frustration when I saw Logan jogging up behind Max.

“I’m not doing this right now!” I declared, then I turned and stormed towards home, just needing to get away from all of them. I knew they cared and I fucking hated it. I was falling apart at the seams and the last thing I needed was everyone around me, especially my kid, pointing it out to me.

I wasn’t even at the door of the cottage as guilt filled me at the way I had spoken to my son. I had never spoken to him like that. I cursed at him. I yelled at him! It had been the last thing he deserved when he just wanted to look out for me.

I wasn’t sure I had ever felt so ashamed of myself as I slammed open the door of the cottage and stormed inside, slamming the door closed behind me.

I dropped my purse to the hardwood floor and slid down the door, resting against it with my knees pulled up to my chest and my head pressed against them.

Tears filled my eyes again and that just made me even angrier.

I didn’t used to cry. It wasn’t who I was.

Before what Callum did to me and everything that followed, I had been strong and tough, or at least I’d convinced myself I was anyway.

Life threw handfuls of shit at me again and again, and I never let it break me.

I stood tall, waded through it, and kept going because I had to.

Because that was the hand I was dealt in life and I’d be damned if I let it break me.

Now I was a wreck. All I did was cry and fucking tremble!

If I allowed myself to sleep, Callum was there in my nightmares, just waiting for me.

I jumped if anyone touched me and I constantly felt afraid of everything around me.

Of everyone! Even of my own fucking mind and decisions.

I yelled at my son! How could I do that to him when I knew inside he was struggling too?

Logan and Maddox too. They just wanted to help and because of the mess I was inside, I was giving them insane mixed signals. I had been rude to both of them in the two weeks they’d known us, and there was no doubt in my mind they thought I was mentally unstable.

But I was so scared. Terrified. What if I let them in and they changed the way Callum had in that one night?

What if they were monsters who hurt me and ruined my son even more than I was already doing?

All I wanted was to protect Max and make the right decisions but I didn’t trust myself to do that anymore.

I didn’t trust myself to do anything right then.

My exhaustion swept over me again and I flopped to the side, lying on the cool floor and pulling my knees tighter against my chest. Tears were still trickling down my cheeks but there was no sound.

Everything just felt like it was too much and I gave into it, allowing myself to slip under those waters that had been fighting for so long to pull me under.

I stopped fighting and just let the water take me.