Page 2 of Escalating Alpha (Seraphine Thomas #18)

Two days later, I was being dragged to something I really, really didn’t want to go to. Something had clearly happened at the monthly guys night thing that all my lovers were supposed to want to go to.

But Dain was requiring them to go to. I wasn’t as in the dark as people thought and I caught a lot with my clairvoyant tendencies.

I also wasn’t getting involved. I hadn’t set it up. I hadn’t told them to do it. I had been clear that I thought forcing it was a bad idea and to not push it.

No one listened to me… So they could deal with the bullshit then.

I stood by that, so I wasn’t sure why I was being dragged to a group therapy session basically. The best part?

Phobie was being called into it too and she wasn’t a fan of that. She tried to hide it, but there was a new guy in all of this and she was being called in front of him for this meeting. She wasn’t happy about it but put on her best face even if I could sense she was pissed.

I would be too. If nothing else, professional courtesy-wise he should have talked to her first about all of this. She’d been the boss on our mental health for a while, and given this was Brian’s new guy and the last person Brian had gone to had fucked up a lot—Phobie wasn’t happy.

Eva was also going because she didn’t trust anyone and wouldn’t risk more damage to me when I was at a critical time. I appreciated that.

Hagan, Reagan, and Dain were attending, and it was hard to read them on where they stood. I’d expected them though.

Axel and Noah not so much, and I was surprised they were going.

“This will not last long,” Eva announced after we all sat down for the breakfast that was prepared. “This is unhealthy for Seraphine especially since she had no preparation for the topic.” She shot Brian’s new therapist a withering look. “This was not the way to handle this.”

“I couldn’t know that because Brian was unwilling to tell me more and give me information on Sera’s background when people can use that against her, but I’m glad you’re here to tell me. I understand now why Hagan pushed for it,” the therapist said. He chuckled when a few of them kept staring at him. “Get it out of your system.”

“Sorry,” Axel muttered, giving me a look like I couldn’t blame him.

No, not really, but he was hundreds of years old. This guy couldn’t be the first movie character name he’d come across.

“Yes, John Wick is my legal name and no, it’s not been great for me since the movie,” John said with a chuckle. He met my gaze. “And I will chuckle at times that aren’t fitting, and I apologize in advance. I was in an abusive relationship, and defusing the situation was the best way to keep from being hit. It’s harder to be angry when amused or things don’t escalate.

“It’s my natural defense, and I don’t always realize I do it. So know I’m never laughing at you, but dispelling tension or easing people down if things get—you know.” He waited until I nodded before glancing around. “And each of you had a different reaction to my being easily able to say that.” He focused on Phobie. “Go ahead.”

She didn’t ignore what was going on. “Normally, I would say that was unprofessional and oversharing with patients or clients—a familiarity that can backfire or lead to trouble later, especially with people you’re just meeting. But clearly, you have a point with this.”

He nodded. “I do. You are gifted from what everyone has told me again and again. We all have specialties. Neither of us are couples counselors and relationships aren’t our focus. You handle traumas and keep people moving—how to handle the next hit we all take. I couldn’t handle that after what I’ve been through.”

She nodded. “I know your specialty. You help people learn to communicate better—personally and professionally.”

He bobbed his head back and forth before taking a sip of coffee. “I give lectures on the professional side and I hope I do a good job of it, but my focus is personal. It’s personal growth and being able to say what you really mean. How to get out of your own way and learn to articulate what you really want so you stop setting yourself up to fail.”

My gaze immediately snapped to Brian’s. “That’s why you asked if we could start over? That’s what you really want?”

“No, and he jumped the gun and called me panicked that he didn’t learn anything, so I asked for this meeting. Plus neither wants to tell you what really happened, but you deserve to know you said something that pushed over a domino,” he interjected.

I frowned, wanting to bolt even more now.

Awesome.

But I’d been annoyed when Brian had asked me if we could start over several days ago. He’d just come to me in the morning and asked if we could start again—wipe the slate clean and try again as wolves.

It had been so fucking dismissive of everything we’d been through—everything he’d done to me that I’d snipped at him. I’d been a bitch. I could fully admit that. I’d basically told him that I was tired of that shtick. I’d already lost count of how many times we’d started over, and I didn’t want to do it again because it got us nowhere.

And that was frustrating when we were tied together forever, so maybe he should try a new line or go look for someone else to start a new relationship with.

Yeah, I’d been a bitch. I would fully admit that.

“What did I do wrong?” I bit out, everyone at the table flinching except Eva and Phobie.

“I said this wasn’t healthy for her,” Eva said, grinding her jaw.

“And if you had been professional and called me first before extending the invitation to others and getting their hopes up, backing Sera into a corner to attend, I would have told you that,” Phobie added.

“I’m confused because I was told you have these kinds of meals and meetings,” John admitted, looking genuinely distressed.

I sighed and gestured around the table. “This is like too many DCFS meetings I was dragged to as a kid. The adults all decided where I fucked up and what to do with me. If the people I was left with could fix me or would bail, and then who would have to deal with me next while the workers from DCFS—this isn’t healthy for me.”

“I’m proud of you for saying that,” Eva praised.

Noah was out of his chair in a flash and picked up John, sitting him in his old seat before most could blink. He took the man’s chair and smiled at me. “You look very nice today. You ready for the car wash thing?”

I chuckled, blowing him a kiss.

“Look, I don’t want you triggered, and I’m certainly not dismissing what you’ve been through, but I understand better what’s going on here already,” John said. “And you’re certainly not at fault and you’ve done nothing wrong. Nothing. This isn’t pass or fail, and I will never be party to a ‘shit on Sera’ session. Hear me on that, please.”

“You wanted this after I commented that what you told me made you seem like you spoke Sera,” Brian muttered. “Not just that I called you saying I fucked up.”

“Yes, but you said you didn’t think this was healthy for her, just not why.” John noted when I relaxed a little. “He pays attention. For as stupid and busy as we all are, he pays attention.”

That made me get defensive again. “I know that. The problem is he doesn’t fucking listen a lot or actually believe me at face value. Several people here don’t.”

“Good, I need to know that,” he accepted, writing down something. “So first, let me explain what I was referring to that he said was ‘put into Sera.’ And you’re not going to want to hear it, but I think you need to.” He studied me, clearly waiting for my permission.

“You’re asking to take a shot at me, and I’m not going to just give you my blessing,” I drawled, feeling better when Eva snorted.

Except John chuckled awkwardly and I felt like a bully. My reaction worried him.

“Yeah, go ahead,” I mumbled.

He didn’t say anything and sat back in his chair, studying me in a way I didn’t like. He glanced at Eva. “Did that physically hurt her? Like I know she sees more as a clairvoyant, but—they feel too much too, right? Or off objects? Did my discomfort hurt her?”

She glanced between us. “I do not know, but it’s definitely something to look into. There are times she is wounded more than—none of us have had easy lives or childhoods. Well, Brian and the twins did before their parents died.”

He nodded before focusing back on me. “Don’t worry about me at all this meeting. I set this up. I asked to be here. I’m not scared or worried that you’ll hurt me. I’m good.” He waited until I nodded. “What you avoid controls you.”

I studied him a moment, truly considering that. “I’ve heard that about procrastinators. Teachers telling people that if they took all the time they worried about the deadlines or having it on their mental calendar and just got the project or paper done, they would save time in the long run and take off mental stress.”

“It’s like that,” he agreed. “Avoiding tough conversations and your relationships suffer.” He nodded when I flinched. “Avoid risks and your business or job suffers. You know that and are ridiculously successful both at the FBI and your multiple businesses. And the one I want to point out as your clearly winning gold medal is—”

“If you avoid failure or what has hurt you before, you cannot grow,” Phobie finished for him, nodding when he did but focused on me. “You always kept moving, and when you took a hit, the ice under you cracked. That’s what he’s saying. When we stopped and put in the work—”

“I get it. I’m not a complete twit,” I drawled.

“You’re one of the smartest people I know, Sera,” she said with a sigh. “It’s hard to think of it all when it’s about us—not take it all personal. I am a therapist, and I struggle when my therapist says stuff like this to me.”

I accepted that was fair and I was a shit, giving her a look that I apologized.

John gestured around the table. “This is the result of avoiding those difficult conversations. Several of you feel like you are about to fall over the cliff or cannot handle the load anymore—are about to break.”

“That’s not fair, and she kills herself not to run and to have those conversations and has been working for so long on being able to communicate about what she needs,” Noah cut in. “But then people don’t fucking listen to her and so what’s the point? Bang her head against the wall until she fucking bleeds and—”

“Okay, you, I am scared of, and you already touched me once,” John cut in, looking overwhelmed.

I was too shocked at how Noah was reacting to even think of that or like what to do. Noah saw that and did a double take, trying to get under control. “What’s going on?”

He sat back in his chair. “I can’t watch them break you again, Sera. I keep quiet and I’ve left things be and—each time it’s like I watch a piece of you break off and die. I don’t know what to do, and we’re now both in roles we didn’t want and overloaded and everyone just…” He sniffled loudly and wiped under his eyes. “Sometimes I just want to grab you and run.”

I blinked back tears. “Yeah, me too.” I ignored when everyone else went tense. All of them there would be super screwed if we did that. “I have faith in Mauro though. I think it’s the right move.”

He bobbed his head. “I do too, but I think there needs to be some other changes.” His glance darted to Dain and Brian which really shocked me.

“Okay, seriously, what happened at that guys night?” I asked, glancing between all of them.

“I want to out that you said something after it was over when you were half asleep and that sent Brian into a panic,” John cut in before anyone could say anything.

And Brian didn’t want to tell me. That was clear… But neither did Dain.

While everyone else there was confused.

I thought back to that night. “I fell asleep on the couch but woke undressed in bed.”

“I got you to bed,” Brian confirmed.

“Can you please tell me and not some stranger?” I whispered.

“You said you didn’t get the flutters for me anymore,” he rasped, staring off and not looking at anyone. “And that you thought you were falling out of love with me but maybe it was for the best because that way we could just be friends if we were going to be tied together forever. That you’re not my babe, but my fool, and you don’t want to marry me.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I did this. I did this to us.”

“I’m still sorry I just made you admit that in a group.”

He chuckled darkly. “It should help them since they think I’m perfect or something and can never do wrong, but you don’t want to marry me anymore, and I’ve screwed up so bad that even your wolf isn’t attracted to me.”

“No, she’s attracted to you,” I argued. “It just… She doesn’t feel it’s worth the pain we feel by touching the stove especially when I don’t ever really punish you as she wants.”

He half covered his face and tried to keep it together. Just because I apparently wanted to fuck myself even harder, I looked at Dain.

“Are you going to tell me what I said to you?”

“I would prefer not to in this setting,” he replied.

I snorted. “Yeah, so you’re not. Shocker.” Everyone looked at me like they were surprised at what I’d said… And so was I. I actually picked up my drink and looked in it before glancing at Eva. “Did you slip that potion stuff in here?”

“No, but my suggestion was to have it and then have it out with them truly. I did that for your mother once.” Eva smiled like it was a fond memory. “She bit me for months when she shifted, but it was worth it because two really pulled their heads out of their asses and asked for help like your Hagan.”

“Or— or we could do something a bit less volatile and more emotionally healthy,” John suggested, focused back on me. “I get it. You don’t—”

“This is why I always feel in trouble at these meetings and ganged up on,” I cut in. “Why are you talking directly to me— at me like I’m the problem?”

“You’re not the problem, Sera. You’re the boss,” he answered simply gesturing around the table. “More than that, you’re the other part of the equation for your relationship with Brian. Normally, I would have just asked you and Phobie to come to a session and thrown this at you—asked you to try something new. It’s not just the two of you.”

I let out a long breath and nodded. “Fine, but the foreplay is getting tedious so just spit it out.”

He looked taken aback but then shook it off. “Comfort is a silent killer. Every big decision you make comes down to comfort—the life you want versus the comfort you have. So at some point, we need to understand that we’re going to live in a state of discomfort to get what we want. That’s the only way we can grow and get better.

“It’s always going to be an improvement, always going to be some skill set you don’t have that you have to learn. You do it all of the time in your professional life, and that’s why you’ve excelled. You learn new weapons, new ways to keep people safe—new languages . All to reach that goal to protect people the best you can and be the best boss.”

“I accept that and completely understand it for my professional life and even pushing someone to start dating when they’re a homebody or to get back out there. But my dream is to have a comfortable, calm personal life without so much upheaval and drama all of the time,” I argued.

“And that’s a great goal, but is that what you’re having right now?” he asked quietly.

No. No, it wasn’t. Not even remotely.

He wasn’t going to make me say it, nodding that he understood I knew that. “So it takes work to get there, and you don’t want complete calm and boring. Even a good happy relationship takes work. I’m not a marriage counselor and I know that. I know I need to take my own damn advice and get back out there. I’m trying to. It’s hard . No one said living was easy.”

I accepted that too and nodded as I tucked into my breakfast. “But you clearly have a plan or idea if you’re bringing us together. You have some tool you want us to start using.”

“Yes, exactly that. I’m not a marriage counselor, but I’ve had lots of them come to me when their normal toolbox runs out. That’s—this isn’t normal. I’m not judging it, but what you have isn’t normal down to the basics that you run towards gunfire when others run away.” He was less than thrilled when I looked at Phobie, but he didn’t say anything at least.

“I would agree with him,” she said after a moment. “I mean, of course on the basics, but he is someone you would turn to if the normal steps or process hasn’t been working and it hasn’t been for you guys. We all keep blaming it on how crazy everything is around you, but I heard Hagan recently say it’s time to accept it’s always going to be that way.

“ You’ve said that and just it’s time to figure out how the fuck to fix it. That’s why you called in Mauro or asked Eva who to call in really.” She let out a slow breath. “The problem is that everyone here has to actually agree to really do it, or it will break the tool that could possibly help you and Brian or you and others, and then that’s one less option that they’ve ruined.”

I was shocked when everyone looked at Dain with accusation.

Even Axel who had a bit of a crush on him.

“I have had my humble pie to hear you all think I’m more of a problem and an asshat than Carter, so I will do my best and learn—I thought I had left my pride behind a long time ago. Apparently not,” Dain said evenly, but I felt his upset in our bond.

Okay then?

What did I say to him? Or no—they had said something to him that night too?

Everything made my brain hurt some days. Seriously.

John waited until everyone agreed they were willing to listen and at least try it. “If anyone in this group comes to you and says, ‘I need to have a vulnerable conversation,’ that means everything stops. Phones down. Files away—whatever it is. You completely focus on that person and only listen. No arguing. No fighting. No response other than thanking them for sharing.”

“And then what?” Reagan hedged. “There has to be some sort of resolution later; otherwise, it’s just like…”

John nodded. “Dumping a problem or situation on someone. Yes, you’re not wrong.” He seemed comfortable focusing more on Reagan. “But when you’re upset or there’s a problem, you’re so busy thinking of what to say or dealing with your own hurt feelings, you’re not listening to what the other person just said. You will jump to—”

“Talking to the wrong person on this one,” Noah chuckled, the others smiling as well. “Reagan moves at the pace of a glacier and isn’t one to be rash. He is the result of your workshop here. He always takes the time to process what’s been said before coming up with a response.”

John accepted that and looked back at me.

But then he didn’t seem to know what to say.

Eva clearly did as she elbowed me so hard that I almost fell out of my seat. I shot her a nasty glance but then sighed.

“I would like to have a vulnerable conversation,” I mumbled, waiting until John waved me on. “I hate everyone waiting for me to get home or at my apartment with shit. Fine, people have stopped ambushing me in my apartment, like ganging up at me, but—I never get that five minutes in the car to decompress like people talk about.

“I don’t drive myself home and just breathe for five minutes or scroll Instagram to reset my brain from work. I have guards and we go up. But someone is always fucking waiting in the parking garage or in the lobby—by the elevators or at my door. It makes going home so fucking hard for me, and I just—I can’t keep dreading going home.”

John held up a finger to me and looked at the others. “What do you all feel? What do you want to say to Sera? Not on that topic, but that she shared that with you?”

“Thank you for letting me know,” Dain said quietly. “I didn’t know that.”

Noah snorted. “Because you don’t fucking listen.”

“Not helpful,” John chastised.

“And maybe not fair,” Axel muttered. “I do and…” He glanced at me. “I’m sorry. I’m one of the worst, and I misunderstood what you said. I thought you—you like to get shit out of the way and done with. I thought you liked to just get it over with and then have your night. I prefer that over it popping up later and then—”

“Okay, too far,” John chuckled. “The explanation normally comes later.” He waved the rest of them quiet which was amusing. “Normally, it’s—thank you for sharing or I’m sorry you’ve been carrying that. I’m glad I know what you’ve been going through. Something that acknowledges she took energy and time—her heart to reach out to you and give you her feelings.”

“But we can circle back to it?” Brian hedged. “Because like, I just want to know what she wants us to do instead.” He cleared his throat and focused on me. “How do you want us to handle issues then? Tell me what to do so it’s easier on you like you always make everything easier on us. I’ll do my best. Emergencies are emergencies, but—I’ll try my best.”

“Before you answer, Sera, I want to answer Brian.” He waited until I nodded. “Yes, but not at that moment. Thank her for being vulnerable, and if it’s just getting it out then it’s getting it out. If it’s like this, then you tell her that you will need to circle back, and can she let you know when she’s ready for it? Or you can when you’ve had a bit to think on it. An hour maybe.”

“So no one gets defensive and pissy in the moment,” I surmised, nodding when John did. I let out a slow breath and met Brian’s gaze.

And had nothing.

Not a goddamn thing. All of my responses were tired and snarky and pissy and… Disappointing.

I was disappointed in myself.

I stood so fast that my chair fell over and I went to flee, but Eva was there before I could. She’d been on the other side of me and just moved that fast.

“Look at me, Seraphine,” she begged. “Look at me, child!” She smiled when I did and moved her hand over my heart. “You are not broken. You are not broken . You carry too much weight. In here.” She patted my shoulders. “Here. Too much here. You should not be disappointed. We carry too much. Even I had snarky thoughts for you.”

“Yeah?” I checked, letting out a deep, shaky breath when she nodded. “I get so—why do I have to always decide? But then I’m pissed that people didn’t ask me or talk to me. And then I just want everyone to handle more on their own and stop making me do it all. I just—”

“You’re overwhelmed. That’s why you asked for help. You did the right thing and pulled your emergency brake and asked for help,” she praised. “Any other time, that normally simple question wouldn’t have been an issue, but in this moment, it is what stresses you out most. That’s the problem. Not you. Not them. Not trying to be better to each other.”

“I don’t know the answer though, and I have to have an answer. That’s what I hate. I have to have the answer. It’s so much pressure,” I said, ending in a growl.

“That’s when you say you need to circle back, Sera,” John said gently. “That’s why this tool is the one you all need. Your lives are too volatile for the standard tools. Tell Brian you appreciate him caring enough to ask but you need time to think about it because you weren’t ready for him to be receptive. That’s what you really feel. Tell him.”

So I did. It was hard, and I could sense Brian’s disappointment, but he accepted that—they all did.

For now.

It was always fun to have things looming over my head.

Fuck a duck.