Page 18 of Escalating Alpha (Seraphine Thomas #18)

The “blowups” came over the next few days… But they weren’t really blowups. Not really?

The panther who tried to invade Simone—that situation was going to be a headache. Apparently, her family was playing dumb and wouldn’t comment on anything, still pissed Simone didn’t say under their thumb and be mated off like a good breeder and property of the family.

Lovely.

And the guy’s family was pissed I didn’t kill him instead of embarrassing them by now having a criminal in the family with the council. So… Crimes didn’t count if they died?

Did I hear that crazy right?

The big one was that we had no idea what had happened to the four dead shifters. We had no leads. Nothing was weird with their blood. The ME couldn’t really tell us much because their bodies were half and half. Was the liver messed up because of a drug or because it was now mostly a panther liver?

Or other animals.

Same with other organs. He thought the hearts might seem bigger, but… He couldn’t tell us anything. The case and situation had been that messed up.

So all we could do was wait for it to happen again.

I was livid. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one.

And the AG of Missouri wasn’t fighting the FBI to prosecute the St. Louis cops involved. This wasn’t just neglect or a mistake. This was—the line was clear. They went off the reservation and it had to stop. So they were actually all in jail and being prosecuted.

Finally.

I was so glad it was Friday and ready to put the FBI to the side as much as I could for the weekend. Brian was tagging in and helping with some things, the two of us maybe finding a balance on how he could now that the office was all updated and it was clear it went well because of me. All eyes weren’t on the Chicago offices anymore.

And Perez was on to the next one with our vampires, swearing up and down that he would protect them. He was all hearts and rainbows after his wife hit it off with Queen Laila and got her dream job with us. So they were going to make Chicago their home and she wouldn’t divorce him for this crazy shit with the FBI Galvin was putting him through.

I was glad but mostly just thrilled because she was awesome and would be a big help for us.

“No one has seen Dain,” Sander told me with a frown as we headed out to the vehicles to finish the day. “Like no one has seen him all day and he’s not answering his phone. It’s turned off. He even ditched meetings. Seriously, was he abducted?”

“No, I would know through the bond, right?” I mumbled. “Who saw him last?”

“Maya saw him this morning according to Hagan,” he answered.

My phone was in my hand and connecting to her seconds later. “Maya, what did Dain—”

“No one told you until now?” she asked, her tone tight.

“Everyone’s allowed to—he’s not a child,” I reminded her. “Unless there was reason to worry—you would have called me yourself then.”

“Yes, of course, but I started really raising the alarm after lunch,” she said with a sigh. “He was here first thing this morning and he was upset—more upset than I’ve seen Dain since coming here. He kissed Topher while he was sleeping, and when I asked him what was wrong—his answer was strange.”

“What was it?” I asked, swallowing a sigh that she didn’t just spit it out. I needed the details for his mindset, but… Just tell me already.

“He said he was going to the place where you knew he saw your soul. What does that even mean?”

“What?” I whispered.

“He came from your apartment—”

“Dain wasn’t with me last night, Maya.”

There was a long pause. “He was there. I felt him come from that direction.”

That was a surprise to me. “Tell me exactly what he said.”

“Something about if he went to the place where you knew he saw your soul, he would find the answers on how to show he loved you. That he could save his marriage and not hurt his wife anymore. I thought you said something and he might just go to your place for comfort or to take a breath. I didn’t—Topher woke up last night, and I wasn’t fully awake because of it.”

“It’s fine. I just don’t know…” But I did. I was pretty sure I knew where Dain meant.

Fool.

I promised Maya I’d tell her when I found him or if I needed anything else. I didn’t know how to use our bond like he did, so I might need her to walk me through it or—I was going to have to wing it.

I took the keys from Sander when we got to the vehicles and broke every speed limit driving to where my heart told me to go.

A place that had a lot of significance for me and I cursed too many days.

The place where my life completely changed.

“Isn’t this where you got infected?” Sander asked quietly when we arrived.

“Yeah.”

“Why would he come here? ” one of the other ancients asked.

“Because he saved me from falling over the edge here and that’s when…” I had feelings for him before that, but it wasn’t what we became. I’d been drowning and with the twins.

Plus, it was the first real time that I maybe realized that Dain had feelings for me? I wasn’t sure. So much was confusing from that time and pretty blurry even.

I’d also been shitfaced. That always made the memory vague .

“Call off the search,” I muttered to the ancients when I felt him. “Let me handle this alone.”

“Of course,” Sander accepted.

I let out a slow breath and went inside, swallowing a snicker that I almost felt bad for the people who owned this place given we were going to keep trespassing every year or so.

“How long did it take you to find me?” Dain asked quietly, his back to me.

I slowed down and wasn’t sure how to handle this since that question seemed loaded. “Sander was just notified when we were leaving the office. I just found out. I immediately called Maya.”

“This wasn’t a stunt for attention or to test you, Sera,” he whispered before I heard the sloshing of liquid in a bottle.

I couldn’t hide my shock and quickly walked the rest of the distance to him. What he said next almost didn’t even register because I’d never seen Dain fucking pissed drunk. His expensive suit was a mess—tie half hanging off and shirt open. Yeah, that made sense if he’d been day drinking in a hot warehouse in August in Chicago.

He focused on the bottle. “How long did it take you to find me?”

“This was my first guess after Maya told me what you said,” I answered, hoping that was what he meant.

He bobbed his head. “You are so much better of a spouse than I have ever been. I cheat. I use my abilities and magic to get the answers. You knew. Of course you knew. You are perfect.” He took another long swig.

“What happened, Dain?” I whispered as I squatted down next to him and moved my hand to the bottle. “Maya said you came from my apartment. Did you—why were…”

I hated that I didn’t have the right way to ask him what I wanted to without sounding like I was accusing him. I was suddenly too angry that I couldn’t help him the way he’d helped me when the situation had been reversed.

“Why are you so upset?” he asked with a frown. “I know I’m a disappointment and you deserve better but—”

“I’m upset that I’m not better at this and what you need to help you,” I interrupted.

He blinked at me like I’d grown another head. “You are sometimes the stupidest most perfect person in the world. I had no idea—you care . That’s all you need to do to help people. The only person who judges you for not handling situations textbook perfect is you, wife .”

Then his eyes filled with tears and pulled the bottle away to take another drink.

And there were several empty ones around him.

“Why were you at my apartment?” I asked him, deciding that was where to start no matter if I sounded accusatory.

He winced. “I didn’t spy or invite—you called to me. You were in pain, and… I didn’t realize you were still sleeping. I was going to come to you early and ask for a date. You said you wanted me to start asking and my therapist said—I wanted to be handsome to ask you for a date.”

It was cute when he glanced down at himself and snorted.

“I called to you?” I pushed.

He bobbed his head. “You were crying in your sleep again asking whomever not to go. It broke my heart and I tried to wake you.”

“What did I say?” I worried when his pain cut through me.

“That you wanted nothing from me, and you could turn to a different fuck buddy,” he rasped. “That you regret marrying me, and every time I call you wife it hurts you.”

I opened my mouth but then frowned. I turned his face towards me so he had to look at me. “I don’t think—that’s not how I feel. About you calling me your wife at least.” I nodded when he studied me. “It used to scare me. We’ve been over that.” I waited until he nodded. “Then it felt right. I felt special and loved.”

“And now?” he whispered.

“It makes me feel numb. I feel nothing when you say it,” I admitted, hating the pain on his face. “But I don’t hate it.”

“You regret marrying me,” he pushed.

I sighed and rubbed my neck. “I don’t know, Dain. I don’t know a lot most days. I regret things have spun out and I wish they hadn’t. I wish I knew how to stop us from getting to this place. I regret not telling you how much you hurt me by walking away—I regret not being a good enough wife to reach you. I blame myself for all of this.”

And it was the truth. He was an amazing man. He did dote on me, but because I was so fucking broken, it wasn’t enough—it wasn’t what I needed in my very vast minefield of issues.

“You deserve better than me,” I told him honestly. “I just don’t think we’re the fit that we thought we were. I’m sorry.”

He dropped the bottle and grabbed my hands when I stood. “Please. Please do not leave me, Sera.” He swore under his breath as the tears rolled down his cheeks. “It’s me who is unworthy of you. I’m so full of anger that you could walk away. I’m the broken one. I’m angry at you that you could walk away when I could never because I’m so in love with you.

“I am dying inside more every day to realize I was not the husband I thought I was and missed everything. I am dying that you weren’t happy like I thought and you’re trying to walk out the door. You’re going to disappear on me again. I cannot survive losing you again. I don’t know that even our son is enough for me to hang on if—”

I flinched when he burst out laughing. His laugh was unlike any I’d heard from Dain before. It was unsettling and unhinged.

He let go of my hands and sat back on his feet. “I heard it that time. I heard how toxic I am. I heard it. Finally.”

“What?” I asked, confused what just happened.

“My therapist said that no matter my intentions or feelings, my framing is abusive and toxic at times. The way I demand why you won’t let me love you. That’s toxic.”

Yeah, it was and had hurt me a lot.

“And part of it is because I’m a fairy.” He hurried on when I frowned. “We cheat, Sera. I don’t watch my words around fairies because they feel my emotions. A fairy would have known I was self-hating when I said that. They would have known that I was upset with myself, not being manipulative. I’m a fool for not understanding that because all I’ve known—”

“Is how to be around fairies,” I whispered, getting something big Laila and even Maya had tried to tell me.

“Yes, yes, I didn’t—I’m so sorry I hurt you in this way. I did not see it. I did not understand what people were trying to tell me.” He snorted. “They were always so hostile and snarky too. Plus, I am so jealous of them and want more of you—all of you.” He blinked up at me as more tears fell. “I am not a good person. I am…”

“You are the one who always pushed me to take more love,” I hedged, confused. “A lot of this is confusing and you never let me in. You can show me so much but—”

“You will leave me!” he bellowed, startling me since he never yelled like that. He slammed his fists on the ground as he yelled that he would lose me if he showed me the truth.

My shock kept me from reacting faster, but then I grabbed his wrists and made him stop. I shook him until he looked at me. “Why won’t you have faith in me that I can love you? I won’t leave. I won’t leave no matter what you show me, Dain.”

“You will.”

“Fucking fight with me or I’m done!” I screamed. “I show you everything . What have I done to make you think I would lie to you? You would never hurt Topher. You would never do anything that would be a line for me to leave. Clearly, you don’t know me as well as you fucking say, so it’s my turn to be the boss. I let you be the boss when I was drowning— trust me this time! ”

He let out a shaky breath. “I understand it’s toxic to say this, but I still have to. I will die if I show you and you leave me. If I lose you because I’m so broken—I can’t continue on.”

He didn’t give me a chance to respond, using his magic to show me what I’d been begging him to.

Namely, the real Dain I’d only had glimpses of.

He showed me the day he’d found me here falling over into the abyss. How happy he was that the twins had fucked up so badly that now he had a chance to have me for himself. How he had every excuse to be closer to me and become the one I loved most. I had need for him, and he could show me that he was the man I wanted in my life.

Yeah, it wasn’t exactly the most emotionally healthy mindset but… Understandable. We all had those sorts of thoughts.

The important part?

He’d already been in love with me then.

Even better?

He saw me. He saw me way better than I’d even originally thought.

“I’m not leaving, you fool,” I rasped.

“But I—”

“I’m not leaving!” I yelled and bopped him on the forehead with the heel of my hand. Then I grabbed his arms and shook him. “Do you love me right now? Do you want us to be married? Have a healthy marriage and—”

He cupped my face and kissed me. It was the softest kiss he maybe ever gave me and I felt his tears on my cheeks. “All I want—all I have ever wanted was you, Sera. I have been waiting for hundreds of years for you to find me and save me from the hell that was my life. I never thought I could find a love like you.” He let out a shaky breath. “And you gave me the greatest joy.”

Topher. Dain loved being a father in a way he would never have thought. I understood that.

Hell, I felt it some days.

Most days it still scared the shit out of me, and I still didn’t think I could have children of my own. I did see that changing now at least… But another issue for another time.

“Then promise me from this moment we are the team. You won’t be my dad or older brother. You will trust me when I say what I need or want. I need you to be on my team, Dain. That’s the only way we can move forward.” I knew what I was going to say was toxic this time, but it was how I really felt. “And I need you to really do it this time.

“I can’t give you another chance after this—not for this same mistake. I can’t keep grieving you. I die more each time. I won’t be Sera anymore if I keep having to forgive you for this and try again. Please. Please , love me enough to find me again and be on my team, not the leader or boss. Not the mistake or problem you have to manage because you married me too fast.”

He hugged me and we cried together. Quietly and while clinging to each other as if we knew we wouldn’t survive the next moments if we let go.

“I will. I will, my love,” he whispered over and over again. He switched to the language of his people, and I had no idea what he was saying, but I also got the basic gist.

It took several minutes for us to get under control, but then I wanted out of that place. I needed to stop looking back and longing for when things were simpler.

Simpler wasn’t better and my life was full of life now, not simply doing what needed to be done. At least most days.

I was working on it.

“I cannot have sex with you while you look at me like a fuck buddy,” he told me after he helped me to my feet. “My therapist said it had to stop if we were to fix this, and I spun out because I’m unable to deny you and I want everything you would give me. He said if I don’t start telling you things, I won’t even have that piece of you.”

I slid my hand in his. “I’d like that. I don’t want that to be what we are either.” I swallowed down a lot of snarky shit that I wanted to say, but Dain was breaking and I knew how bad that could be. I remembered how people had pushed a lot to the side to save me when I was out of control like this.

Dain included.

People would probably judge me for giving him another chance or trying to work on it when he’d messed up so badly, but they weren’t me. I had to try. The love we’d had and the way he’d made me feel… I had to try.

But it was fair to say this was the last time. For this problem. This hurdle. I couldn’t keep going up the mountain of hoping he would hear me and be my partner only to be pushed off at the top again.

“I hear you,” he whispered. “I understand better.” He winced when I shot him a look. “I have not been this drunk in a very long time. I can’t really control my power.”

Or apparently, keep all the booze down when he hadn’t eaten all day. I was really glad one of the ancients realized what was going on and grabbed Dain away from me after we stepped outside. I winced at how badly he vomited. It was… Yeah, the painful kind.

And long-lasting.

Gross.

But also kinda damn funny. Dain was so poised and perfect always that—it was weird to see him like this. It took a few minutes, but then we were in the SUV and Dain surprised me by reaching for my hand.

“One of my first memories was my father telling me to harden myself because otherwise our family would die,” he said quietly. “That it was the role of the firstborn son to be hard to take over and keep the whole family safe or any deaths were their fault—my fault.”

“What brought it up?” I asked.

“I’d hugged my mother. Something happened—I can’t remember what, but I’d gone to my mother for comfort. She hugged me. My father was angry and I said he could hug her too since they loved each other. He dragged me off and told me that there was no love between them and—disgusting things. He talked of her like cattle.”

“And you a duty, not something he wanted,” I said sadly.

He flinched but then slowly looked at me. “I never thought about it that way. I always focused on how he treated my mother —stopped her from loving me. How he controlled her—I’ve become him.”

“You are not that asshole,” Sander said firmly. “You overcorrected, Dain. We all do it, man. Sera’s done it. Fuck, it’s just being people. You just need to accept you’re not perfect and clean out your damn ears. We’re not judging you when we point shit out. We’re just—haven’t we all been through enough? Take the help and do better. I do. I try to.”

What he said wasn’t wrong, but these twits needed to stop jumping in always. Loveable twits, but whatever. I squeezed Dain’s hand. “You’re not your father. We all have traits of our parents. From what you just told me, yours is thinking your path is the right one or the only way to be. You gotta adjust course sometimes.”

Dain ended up passing out once we got him in my apartment after eating something to soak up the booze. He woke me up hours later since I’d fallen asleep there looking over some stuff for the pack.

“You okay?” I asked, still half asleep.

“You didn’t leave,” he rasped.

“What?” I sat up straighter and rubbed my eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“You stayed.”

“Yeah, it’s my apartment,” I hedged, not sure what was going on and definitely needing more sleep.

He chuckled and sat next to me, cupping my cheek. “You stayed with me. You’re not leaving me after what you saw.”

I saw in his eyes and felt through the bond how scared he was. How shocked and… He was all over the map.

Because no one had ever seen inside of Dain like that, and he had fully believed that no one could still love him if they had.

“Yeah, I stayed. I’m not going anywhere as long as you really try to fix this and we…” I let out a slow breath. “I stayed.”

What else was there really to say? I was an idiot for giving him another chance?

Probably.

Fuck a duck.