Page 35
B ack out in the garden, another surprise awaited Arabella. Her sisters were no longer alone.
“Look, Arabella,” Caroline said, her cheeks flushed with happiness. “Cressida and Victoria have come for a visit. Isn’t that lovely?”
“It’s very kind,” Arabella agreed, eyes widening in surprise. “But what brings you both here today?”
“Our husbands are spending the day together, and we wanted to use the time to see you,” Victoria explained.
“We went to your home first, of course, but you weren’t there, and we were told that you had come here for the day.
We decided to come and find you, knowing that by doing so we would be providing ourselves the opportunity to spend the day with three good friends instead of just one!
” And she offered a smile to Caroline and Prudence.
“We were just about to have a picnic,” Prudence said. “If you’d like to join us, we can go and get more food—I don’t think we have enough for five.”
“I’d love to join,” Victoria said. “If it wouldn’t be an inconvenience to you to have us, that is.”
“Of course not,” Caroline said. “The more the merrier.”
“We’ll go have some more things put together and rejoin you,” Prudence said breathlessly, and she and Caroline hurried off.
Arabella turned to her guests. “You made their day,” she said. “So much excitement all at once, and they weren’t expecting any of it. I’m sure they’ll be talking about today’s events for weeks to come.”
“We’re always happy to see your sisters, of course, Arabella,” Cressida said. “But today, we’re here first and foremost to see you . We’re worried about you.”
“Worried about me? Why?” Did they even know her well enough to worry about her? Arabella liked these new friends quite a bit, but there was no denying that they hadn’t known one another that long. How could they possibly be worried about her when they didn’t know very much about her?
And yet, she couldn’t deny that they were right to worry. Things had been going horribly lately.
Victoria and Cressida settled themselves down on the grass beside Arabella.
“Our husbands tell us that your husband hasn’t been himself lately,” Victoria said.
“Apparently, he’s been fairly distraught.
And we’ve been married long enough to know that if there’s something the matter with him, there’s very likely something affecting you as well, Arabella.
We though you might like to tell us what’s been going on. ”
Arabella sighed. “You see far too much,” she said. “Does all of society know?”
“Of course not. Remember, William and Matthew and James are very good friends. They know all about one another, so it only makes sense that when something unfavorable happens, they would be the first to see it. I’m sure you’re uncomfortable with the idea that we’ve all been discussing your life!
” Victoria laughed. “I know I would be in your shoes. But try to remember that we’re your friends.
We think of you as a sister, Arabella. We care for you very deeply, and all we want is to help you.
Why don’t you tell us what’s going on? Maybe there’s something we can do to be of assistance. ”
“I don’t think there’s anything anyone can do,” Arabella said. “The truth is, I think my marriage might be doomed.”
“I don’t know what would make you say something like that,” Cressida said.
“Remember, you and William still haven’t been married for that long.
There’s bound to be a period of time during which you find you need to settle into your new life—don’t you think so?
Eventually things will settle down, and everything will feel easier. ”
“That isn’t the problem,” Arabella said. “It isn’t that I haven’t found a way to settle into my life as a duchess. Or rather, that is a part of my problem, but if that was all it was, I’m sure I could manage it without any trouble at all.”
“But then, if that isn’t what’s troubling you, then what is?” Victoria asked.
“I don’t know if I can explain it,” Arabella murmured. “It all feels so overwhelming.”
“Remember that both of us have been where you are right now,” Victoria said.
“We know how difficult it is to be newly married. We know the challenge of getting to know a new man and figuring out where you fit into his life. No one expects you to have it all figured out already. Tell us what’s been troubling you.
Maybe we can help you resolve it, whatever it is. ”
Arabella sighed. “The trouble is William,” she said. “I’ve never understood what it is he wants with me. I don’t think I ever will. And it’s maddening. Every time I think I know what to expect from our marriage, something changes, and I’m lost all over again.”
“What do you mean?” Victoria asked. “What kinds of things have changed?”
“Well…” She hadn’t told anyone about it, but keeping the secret certainly hadn’t done her any good. “The truth is… he kissed me. At the garden party.”
She expected gasps of surprise. She didn’t know whether her friends would be excited or disapproving, but certainly, they would be shocked.
But they weren’t. They glanced at one another then looked back at Arabella. “We rather suspected something like that might have taken place,” Cressida said gently.
“You knew?” Arabella asked indignantly. It was almost like a betrayal, realizing they’d known the whole time—how could they have?
Why hadn’t they said anything until now?
Had they deliberately thought to leave her alone in this turmoil?
Hadn’t they understood what it was doing to her, how much she suffered thanks to the fact that she couldn’t talk to anybody about what had happened that day?
And how had they known, anyway? “Were you spying on us in the garden?” she asked.
“Of course not,” Cressida said. “We’d never do something like that. But you did disappear for quite a long time, Arabella, and William disappeared with you. When you emerged from the garden, you looked flushed, and you had a smile on your face that you were trying to hide.”
“And from that you were able to assume we’d shared a kiss?”
“We have both been in new marriages in our time,” Victoria said gently.
“We know what it’s like. We know the moments that take place.
I think we had both been watching to see something like that happen for a while, and neither of us was surprised when it did.
We spoke about it afterward. We were so happy for the both of you.
We were so glad to see that your relationship was moving forward at last, that you would have the kind of marriage we had hoped you would. ”
“But we don’t,” Arabella said. “And things haven’t moved forward at all. I hoped it was going to happen too, but it hasn’t. Instead, he has withdrawn from me. Your husbands are right. He is behaving oddly, and it’s altogether my fault.”
“Don’t be silly! How could his behavior be your fault?” Victoria asked her.
“The whole thing is my fault.” It was a thought that had plagued her for some time now. “He never wanted to marry me, and it’s my fault he had to do it.”
“Well, that isn’t right at all,” Cressida countered. “He didn’t have to do it.”
“The only thing I can fathom is that he married me because he wanted to be a gentleman after the way we met,” Arabella said.
“He didn’t like the idea that he’d ruined me.
He’s a good man, and he didn’t want that on his conscience.
But if I hadn’t done what I had—if I hadn’t gotten us into a compromising position in the first place—he would never have had to worry about my reputation at all.
He could have gone on as he was, being happy and not having to worry about my reputation. ”
“I don’t think he’s unhappy to be married to you,” Victoria said. “He’s never said or done anything to give me that impression.”
“Maybe not, but it certainly isn’t something he wanted,” Arabella told her.
“If he isn’t unhappy, that’s only because I’ve done my best not to be an inconvenience to him.
I’ve tried to stay out of the way and to make it easy to be married to me.
That kiss ruined everything because it forced him to think of me as a wife instead of simply as someone who shares his home. ”
“I’m sure he didn’t say anything so cruel, did he?” Cressida asked.
“He didn’t have to say it. The way he acted gave him away.
He could hardly bear to look in my direction after it happened.
And the same thing happened after we danced together at the ball.
He opened up to me for a moment. He let me into his thoughts and feelings.
But he regretted it at once, and he pulled away.
Every time he allows me to get close to him, he puts walls up between us because he doesn’t want to be close.
He wants me at a distance, and he keeps making the mistake of letting me in.
He regrets it every time—and I’m beginning to regret it myself because I know that by trying to bring him closer, all I’m really doing is driving him away. ”
“You don’t truly believe that,” Victoria chided, reaching out to take Arabella’s hand. “It’s not your fault he has trouble letting his walls down, Arabella! And it certainly doesn’t mean that he wishes he wasn’t married to you.”
“That’s true,” Cressida agreed. “Men are all the same. This was certainly the way things were with Matthew! It took so much work for me to get close to him. I thought it would never happen. It was worth the effort in the end, of course, but it was a long and difficult journey to get him to realize that I could be trusted with his heart.”
“This is the way men are,” Victoria said. “They don’t know what they want, Arabella. William may love you and not even realize it.”
“Of course, he doesn’t love me,” Arabella said.
“That’s the one thing he’s always made abundantly clear.
The two of us are not in love. Our marriage is not one based on those kinds of feelings.
That was what we both agreed to when we married in the first place, and it would be wrong of me to try to change it now. ”
“You can’t predict the way you’re going to feel,” Cressida said. “But set aside his feelings for a moment. Are you in love with him?”
“I’m mindful of my duty,” Arabella said. “It’s my responsibility to be a good duchess. It’s my responsibility not to bring shame upon my husband.”
“Never mind your duties for a moment,” Cressida said. “We’re your friends, Arabella. We aren’t here to ask you about duty. We’re here to ask you about your heart. Do you love him?”
“I…”
“You’re afraid,” Victoria said gently. “What are you afraid of?”
“I don’t want to have lost him.”
“And why not? Why would it be so bad to have lost him?”
“Because…”
“Because you love him,” Victoria murmured. “And that matters more, Arabella. That matters more than duty. That matters more than what society thinks. In your marriage to your husband, what matters most is the way the two of you feel for one another.”
“That can’t be what matters most,” Arabella countered.
“Why not?”
“Because…” Because it’s what matters most to me. And I must be doing something wrong. I have to be doing something wrong. It doesn’t make sense to think that I’m doing this the way I ought to be after all. If that were true, things wouldn’t be such a mess right now .
“Come along,” Victoria said, rising to her feet and pulling Arabella up with her. “Let us go into town for some ice.”
“What about my sisters?”
“Do you want to wait for them?”
Arabella hesitated. “Perhaps this conversation is best completed amongst just the three of us,” she conceded.
Victoria smiled. “That’s what I think, too,” she said. “We’ll bring them back something. Let’s go quickly, before your parents try to stop us.
Linking arms with Arabella, she hurried down the path, and Cressida followed after them.
Table of Contents
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- Page 35 (Reading here)
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