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O h, I can’t believe I did that. What was I thinking?

William’s stomach churned with doubt all the way home. Every time he looked across the carriage at Arabella, he found himself forced to look away, terrified that she would see in his eyes how conflicted he felt about everything. Terrified that she would register his doubts.

And why should I fear that? I never told her that this would be a marriage of love. Didn’t we tell one another pretty clearly that it wouldn’t be ?

Yes, they had. In fact one of her conditions for their marriage had been that he keep his hands off her.

Well, that was a condition he had now failed to meet.

And he didn’t regret it, either. That kiss—it had lingered in his mind for days now.

He would have done it sooner or later, of that he was sure.

He would never have been able to hold off forever.

It was for the best that he had gotten it over and done with, then.

It was for the best that the moment was behind them.

The question was, where would it lead? Would he be able to resist doing it again? Of that, he had no confidence at all. And if he did do it again, what would be the cost?

It was very fortunate that Caroline was with them to break the tension. She clearly had no idea that anything at all unusual had taken place between the two of them, for she kept up an animated chatter that removed the obligation for William to confront what had happened.

“Well, that was just so much fun,” Caroline was saying. “I had such a better time than I’d expected to! And Jeffrey—he was wonderfully pleasant. It was so kind of them to bring him along for me.”

“Do you think he’ll pursue courtship?” Arabella asked.

“Well, I don’t know. We didn’t discuss that. I’m sure it’s possible. He’s a good man, and if he wanted to see me again, I would agree to that,” Caroline said. “I mean—assuming you would allow it, of course, Arabella.”

“Well, it isn’t up to me,” Arabella said. “Now that I’m married, it’s not something I have any say in. You’ll need Mother and Father to determine whether you’re allowed to see him again.”

“Perhaps, but you know I won’t do anything without your approval,” Caroline told her. “What you think means the world to me, Arabella. If you didn’t think a gentleman was appropriate for me then I wouldn’t spend time with him—it’s as simple as that.”

“It’s kind of you to say so,” Arabella said.

“You’ve always looked out for me. I know you want the best for me. And I trust you implicitly to help me make that happen. After all, I know that you made a good match for yourself. Just look at how happy you and William are now!”

At the sound of his own name, William’s head jerked up. He glanced at Arabella, but neither of them held eye contact.

If Caroline made anything of that, she didn’t say so.

“You know,” she said, “I didn’t know what to think when you first married, Arabella.

I didn’t know whether it would be a good thing for you or if you might regret it—I worried.

But seeing you together now, I can have no doubts.

Though the origin of your marriage was unorthodox, it has all worked out for the best, and I’m so happy for you. ”

And she says that without even knowing of the kiss!

William could only suppose that the chemistry between Arabella and himself must be potent enough that even bystanders were able to pick up on it.

Well, either that or Caroline simply knew her sister well enough to recognize when she had changed fundamentally.

When something had happened that had changed her.

It had, of course. William couldn’t pretend not to know that. Hadn’t she said as much herself in the garden today? Hadn’t she told him outright that she had permitted herself to be swayed by him, to be changed by him?

Caroline had been offered the opportunity to stay with them that evening, but it was still early enough that it wasn’t necessary for her to do so, and her parents had insisted that she come back home.

“I think they’re trying to prove that they don’t need me,” Arabella murmured after Caroline had been dropped off as the carriage pulled away again.

“They’re aware that I’ve been caring for my sisters all these years, and now, they know that they have to do it without me—they want to prove to themselves, and perhaps to us, that they can. ”

“It must be frustrating,” William commented. “To have them responding that way and never thanking you for your efforts.”

“Well, I really just want to know that my sisters are cared for,” Arabella told him. “I don’t so much care about being recognized—what matters is that they are getting the care they deserve. And if this is what makes my mother and father motivated to provide that, it’s all right with me.”

“You’re a very kind person,” he told her. “Kinder than I am, I think.”

“You have other virtues,” she told him.

And then that blush stained her cheeks again, and William supposed that the both of them were thinking about the same virtues—the stolen kiss in the garden. Hardly virtuous! But then, she is my wife, and such things are permitted within the bounds of a marriage.

And the question returned to his mind of whether she was going to expect another kiss now that there had been a first one, and whether he would be willing to meet that expectation if she did, and the whole cycle started up again.

“You mean to say that you didn’t have a good time at the garden party?” James asked.

The two men were having drinks at the gentlemen’s club, two days having passed since the party at which all the excitement had occurred. For William, they had been two days filled with unpleasantness, for he found himself quite unable to look his wife in the eye.

Not wanting to provoke any questions, he had presented himself for dinner the night before in accordance with their agreement, but the conversation had been stilted, and he was sure that she knew something wasn’t right.

After a few attempts at drawing him into discussions on various topics, she had given it up and had eventually excused herself from the table and taken herself off to bed.

He felt ashamed that she’d needed to do that.

The times they had shared had been so positive lately that he had allowed himself to hope the occasions when they had dodged one another’s company were behind them.

And hadn’t he promised her as much after the ball?

Neither one of them had seen that kiss coming, though. Neither one of them had known how to act in the wake of it. And now, here they were, trying to deal with the aftermath and unsure of how they should do that.

“I never said I didn’t have a good time at the party,” William told James. “That’s not it at all. In fact, I’m afraid I might have had too good a time.”

“Well, I can’t begin to guess at what that might mean. You’re going to have to explain it to me, I’m afraid.”

“Judging by the look on your face, I think you do have a guess at what I mean,” William growled. “All right, I’ll explain it to you, then. I kissed my wife.”

“Do keep your voice down when you say that! I wouldn’t want anyone to know that I’m sitting here with a man who kissed his own wife . What would the gossips say!”

“Oh, stop it,” William sighed. “You know perfectly well that it isn’t scandal I’m concerned about.”

“That’s good because this is just about the least scandalous thing I have ever heard of,” James said. “I would have thought you would be happy about it, truth be told. She’s a lovely young lady.”

“But you know I didn’t marry her for those reasons.”

“Oh, yes, I know,” James said. “You married her because you thought her unfit to be a duchess.”

“Because I thought my father would feel that way about her,” William countered.

“And you no longer think so?”

“I no longer see how anyone could feel that way,” William admitted. “I don’t know what to do. I put in so much effort, all these years…”

“What are you talking about? What effort? You make it sound as though you spent years pursuing her, when the truth is that she fell right into your lap. You didn’t do much of anything.”

“No, I know I didn’t,” William agreed. “That’s not what I’m referring to.

It’s just that I spent so long thinking about everything my father told me all my life.

All the demands he made of me. And I’ve always been determined that I wouldn’t live up to the things he asked for.

I’ve always told myself that, should I marry, I would be sure to marry someone my father wouldn’t approve of.

Someone he would declare unfit to be a duchess.

That was the plan. And that isn’t what I did at all, and now…

” He sighed. “I feel as if I’ve let myself down. ”

He took a long sip of his ale.

“But at the same time,” he went on, “I have no regrets, for how could I? I stand by the choice I made to bring her into my life. I know I did the right thing, and I would do it again if I was presented with the choice.”

“Because you love her,” James said.

“It’s not as simple as that.”

“On the contrary, it is exactly that simple. You’ve told yourself that you refuse to fall in love, William, but there are some things that can’t be refused.

When love arrives, it demands to be taken notice of, and that’s what’s happening.

That’s the reason you kissed your wife—not because it fell in line with some plan you had made, not because it was the sensible choice, but because you simply couldn’t help yourself.

I think that frightens you. You like being in control too much to let it go now.

But for the sake of love, you may have to do just that. ”

“Well, I must admit that my feelings about my wife these days have very little to do with resentment for the way things were between my father and myself,” William allowed. “But I don’t know that love is the word I would use to describe it.”

“That’s only because you’ve never been in love,” James told him sagely.

“You don’t know how to recognize the emotion because you’ve never experienced it before.

I was just the same with Victoria. Trust me—a day will come when you will look at your wife, and you won’t be able to believe that you were ever unsure. ”

William sipped his drink. He appreciated his friend’s perspective, but he had to admit that he still had his doubts.

Just because that had been James’ experience didn’t mean that it would be his.

In fact, didn’t that make it even less likely that William would experience the same thing?

Surely James was just, understandably, seeing his own circumstances in William’s life.

It was natural for him to interpret everything through a lens of his own experiences, but that didn’t mean that was what was actually happening.

He had kissed Arabella because she was beautiful, because she was kind, because he cared for her. He did care for her, he could admit to that.

But was he truly in love with her?

And if he was… did he want to be?