Page 29

“ W here have you been?” William asked Arabella as she took her seat at the dinner table. “I started the meal without you. I didn’t know whether you would be back.”

In fact, that was stretching the truth. He hadn’t begun eating, nor did he think he would have if she hadn’t returned now. It was impossible to focus on food, he had realized, when you didn’t know where your wife was, and that was part of the reason he was so angry with her now.

“I went to see my mother,” she said, raising her eyebrows as she smoothed her napkin over her lap. “Surely, I’m permitted to visit with my own mother?”

“Surely, it wouldn’t be too difficult for you to let a member of the staff know where you’re going to be when you do?” he countered. “Nobody knew what had happened to you, Arabella. You might have been anywhere.”

She closed her eyes briefly. It seemed to William that she was implying that he was taxing her patience which frustrated him that much more.

All she’d had to do was stay in the house.

Or, if she really needed to go out, she could have let someone know where she was going.

It didn’t seem to him like he was asking for anything too outlandish.

But when she opened her eyes, her face was still calm. “I will let someone know the next time I go out,” she said. “I apologize for not doing so today. Does that suffice?”

“Yes.” He wanted to say more, but what more was there? She had given him what he wanted. He turned his attention to his dinner.

“Do you know what surprises me?” she asked him.

He looked up. “I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

“It surprises me that you even noticed I was gone.” There was a bite of resentment in her tone now. “You hardly acknowledge me most days. When did you figure it out—when you sat down at the dinner table and realized I wasn’t here? I had been gone for hours by then.”

That was exactly when he had figured it out, actually, but he couldn’t admit that now.

“As long as you let someone know where you’re going in the future, we won’t have any problems,” he said.

He picked up his wine glass, attempting to move beyond the uncomfortable moment.

“Did you have a nice time with your mother?”

“I did.” She paused. “We had an interesting conversation.”

“What about?”

“It’s private.”

Then why did you bring it up ? He frowned and sipped at his drink.

“May I be excused?” she asked him.

“You don’t need my permission to leave the table,” he told her. “I’m not your father. But you’ve only just arrived here. You’re really going to be off so soon? You haven’t even eaten anything.”

“I’ve realized that I’m not very hungry.”

“Did you eat at your mother’s house?”

“We had tea.”

“That isn’t a meal.”

“I’ll have something brought up to my room,” she said rising to her feet.

“Is it your intention to go on avoiding me?” he asked her.

A laugh burst forth. “Me avoid you ?”

“Ever since our argument the other day, the one in which you stormed from the room, you’ve been…”

“If you say the word distant , William, I will lose my composure,” she informed him, her voice brittle. “To be accused of being distant by you of all people… I couldn’t bear that.”

“What does that mean?”

She shook her head. “Don’t pretend not to know,” she said.

“Don’t pretend to be unaware of the way you avoid me as much as you are able.

You and I both know that you’re doing it.

Nobody is fooled. The only thing I don’t know, and have never known, is why you treat me the way you do.

I swear, you act as if you never wanted me here at all sometimes, and I don’t know what to make of that.

” She paused, as if she was considering something.

“My mother thinks I ought to be concerned about you leaving me or that you might send me from your house.”

“She said that to you?” William’s fists clenched. Of course, Arabella ought to see her mother as much as she liked, but by that same token, her mother should not use those visits as an opportunity to slander his name. And after all he had done for that family!

“I don’t know,” Arabella murmured. “Maybe she’s right to be concerned about it.”

“Arabella.”

“You don’t seem to take any particular interest in me,” she said. “You kiss me at garden parties, but then you turn your back on me for days at a time. What am I to think, William?” She sighed. “I will be in my room for the rest of the night.”

“I thought our having dinner together was so important to you.”

“Well, I release you from that obligation,” she told him. “Take your meals wherever you’d like. I’m not going to force my company upon you when you so clearly do not desire it.”

She lingered for a moment, and William had the sense that if he argued, if he asked her to stay, she would do so. But he couldn’t find the words, and the moment passed. She turned and left the dining room, and he was on his own.

He sat back in his chair, trying to make sense of what had happened.

She had gone to her mother’s house, and her mother had warned her not to trust him.

But it had been her parents who had insisted so powerfully upon their marriage in the first place. Arabella herself had been the one who was loath to trust him. It had been she who had all but refused to marry him until her conditions were met. He had admired that about her. He still did.

I don’t want to lose her .

She was pulling away from him now, and he didn’t know how it had happened—but he thought it could probably all be traced back to that damned kiss.

It hadn’t left his thoughts since it had happened—but he should never have allowed his control to slip the way it had.

It could never be allowed to happen again.

He didn’t see her again until the following day when he came upon her, quite by accident, in the library. She had a book in one hand, and she stood before the shelves, perusing carefully.

“Looking for something in particular?” he asked her.

She jumped. “William—you startled me.”

“Not my intention. I apologize.”

“What are you doing here? Why did you come up behind me?”

He had to laugh though he had a suspicion that doing so was going to make matters worse instead of better. “This is still my house, is it not?” he asked her. “I don’t need a reason to visit my own library.”

“So—you weren’t looking for me.” Her shoulders dropped ever so slightly, and he realized he had disappointed her once again.

“I didn’t know that you were here,” he told her honestly. “But I am happy to have found you for whatever it’s worth.”

The expression on her face was skeptical. She didn’t believe him.

He strode over to her. “Let me help you,” he offered again. “What book are you seeking? I’ll be able to find it more easily. I know where everything is.”

“I don’t think you can help, actually,” she told him. “I’m not seeking anything in particular. I came in here looking for anything that might grab my interest.”

“Well, what have you found so far?” he pointed to the book in her hand.

She held it up. “It’s just a gardening book. I thought it might help me with the flowers.”

“It’s yours.”

“You’re giving it to me?”

“I didn’t even know it was here to be honest with you. And I know you’ll get much more use out of it than I ever could. So take it.”

She hesitated. “William… I don’t know what to make of this.

You keep trying to give me gifts. If I didn’t know better, I would think they were tokens of affection—but you have no affection for me.

I can tell because every time I actually try to get close to you, you pull away.

I can only guess that you must be giving me gifts as a way of keeping me at a distance because you don’t want to permit me to get close.

Maybe this is your way of trying to distract me from what I really want. ”

“And what is it you really want?” he asked her.

She looked away. “Nothing you’re able to give me,” she said.

“You won’t know unless you ask.”

“No, I do know,” she said. “I am more aware of what happens around me than you seem to think I am, William. I know the terms by which you keep me here. But that doesn’t stop me from dreaming of…

a different kind of life. A different kind of marriage.

” She drew a deep breath. “A husband who loves me.”

He stared at her.

Was that what this was truly all about? Love? She wanted to be loved?

But then why the distance? Why the arguments? Why?—?

The questions flew from his mind as she stepped toward him, head tilted upward. Suddenly, all he could think about was her upturned lips. The kiss they had already shared and the possibility—which suddenly seemed so real—of another.

She drew closer, inviting his touch. Without thinking, he reached out to her and rested a hand on her hip.

He could smell her lilac scent. He hadn’t noticed it in the garden, surrounded by roses, but he did now. Oh, it was heavenly. If only he could simply stand here forever, enjoying this closeness with no consequences. If only they could just be… whatever this was.

But this was not an option. She wanted more. And so did he, but he knew better than to claim it. It would be disastrous for both of them if he allowed things to progress…

He was about to say something to that effect when she stood on her toes and kissed him.

Even as she had drawn closer, he had not imagined this. Arabella was bold, but he hadn’t dreamed she could be this bold.

He was caught up in her at once. All his doubts and reservations evaporated like smoke, and for a moment, he allowed himself to sink into that delicious kiss. His arms wrapped around her, and he pulled her body flush against his.

He indulged in it for several long, luxurious moments before better sense prevailed, and he realized that he was making a mistake.

I promised myself I wouldn’t do this again!

I swore to myself that the first time was the last time.

And yet, here I am, giving in to her, even as I know what a mistake it is—even as I know I shouldn’t…

He pushed her back gently and held her at arm’s length.

She met his gaze steadily.

“What was that?” he asked her. “What’s going on here, Arabella?”

“I wanted to see what you would do,” she said evenly. “I wanted to see if you would kiss me back—and you did.”

He had. He couldn’t deny it. “That was a test?”

“I wish it hadn’t been,” she said quietly. “If I’d had my choice, it would have been… something different. But I had to know the answer. I had to know whether you were even interested in kissing me. Whether you even enjoyed it.”

“And now?”

“I have my answer.” Her lips quirked. “You wouldn’t kiss me like that if you hated it. And I wish I could be happy about that.”

“You’re not happy,” he surmised.

“How can I be?” Her eyes filled with tears. “You like my kisses. That means it’s me you don’t like.”