Page 40 of Don’t You Dare Marry Me (Love in Massachusetts #3)

thirty-two

“Mind if I come in?” Abagail knocked on Nicola’s door and opened it a crack.

She wasn’t quite sure what she was expecting, but it wasn’t a pristine, clean room. Abagail hadn’t been in there in days, and she’d assumed Nicola was as messy a person on the outside as she seemed to be on the inside—something that Abagail had come to appreciate lately.

She’d seen Elia off just after breakfast, which Nicola hadn’t come downstairs for, but Abagail knew that she needed to have this conversation with her, immediately. They had to stop putting it off any longer. And Elia had told her as much before she’d left to head back to the school.

“Sure.” Nicola was sitting on her bed, phone in her hand, and she barely even looked up at Abagail.

She hadn’t intended to have this conversation in here, but since Nicola didn’t seem to be moving, Abagail walked inside and stood by the edge of the bed until Nicola finally focused on her.

“What did you want to talk about?” Nicola asked, seemingly like she hadn’t been paying attention to the last few days of turmoil that had been going on in the house.

Abagail frowned. “We need to talk about our relationship.”

“We don’t have a relationship,” Nicola answered, innocently. “Nowhere did we ever commit to each other.”

“You’re right.” Abagail drew in a deep breath, her stomach in knots over this. She could fire all of her staff before she could face down this young woman who seemed to never have a care in the world. What was so intimidating about Nicola Bolsinger? “But we still need to talk about it.”

“You won’t fuck me, so you won’t pay me.”

Abagail stuttered. She hadn’t ever heard Nicola say something so crude before. But it added to her theory that all she cared about was the money that Abagail could pay her. Abagail sat on the edge of the bed, one foot firmly planted on the floor, and she stared in awe at Nicola.

“I’ll still pay you. It’s not the end of the month yet.” She wished she’d brought something for her hands, because waiting for Nicola’s response was making her fingers itch to move. “If that’s what you’re concerned about.”

Nicola didn’t answer that, though. Her lips thinned into a line, and she stared intently at the phone still in her hand.

Was any of this making a dent in Nicola’s brain or was Abagail wasting her breath?

She hated that she couldn’t figure out which it was right now, but it seemed the more time she spent with Nicola, the more of a struggle this was becoming.

“Nicola, I’d really like to talk.” Abagail touched Nicola’s ankle, her skin smooth and warm.

She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, remembering the feel of Nicola’s skin against hers.

They were so compatible sexually. She loved the time they spent together, wanting more and more of it whenever they could find it.

“You’re talking,” Nicola responded.

Abagail instantly turned cold. She let go of Nicola’s ankle and firmly planted her hands in her lap. This wasn’t going like she’d hoped that it would. “I don’t want to pay you for sex, and I think you might feel the same way about that.”

Nicola tensed. Even without touching her, Abagail could see it in her body, the way her shoulders drew together, the pinch in her cheeks, the slight scrunch of her nose. Maybe she had been wrong about that one. Maybe Nicola still did want that to be part of their relationship.

Either way, Abagail didn’t want it any longer.

“When would you like me to leave?” Nicola asked.

“Th-that’s not what I’m saying.” Abagail clenched her jaw. Except it kind of was what she was saying, wasn’t it?

Was this a breakup?

It felt like a breakup.

Even though Abagail hadn’t had many of those in the past, this distinctly felt like she was breaking up with Nicola, and the pain in her heart was stronger than she anticipated it being. “Look, I like you.”

“No, you don’t,” Nicola countered, eyeing Abagail seriously.

“I’m fond of you,” Abagail corrected, choosing her words carefully.

“You’re fond of what we do to each other.”

“Yes, that,” Abagail agreed. Her stomach bubbled with nerves, and her head was hurting from trying to navigate this conversation. Normally she was so damn good at these hard conversations. It was why she’d chosen the career she had.

But this was out of her comfort zone. And something in the way Nicola was acting was so different from her norm, and the way they typically interacted, that it was a struggle for Abagail to even get to the next step.

“I think you should be with someone better suited for you,” Abagail stated.

“Like Warren?” Nicola rolled her eyes.

Abagail snorted and shook her head. “Please don’t go back to Warren.”

“What?” Nicola looked at her directly. “He said he talked to you about me.”

“He…did.” Abagail nodded slowly. “Before I kicked him out of my office.”

“But you didn’t tell him that I’d be interested?”

“No.” Abagail touched Nicola’s ankle again, this time hopeful that the touch would be more welcome than before. “I don’t think he’s a wise relationship choice for anyone right now. And you don’t really want to be the rebound to your rebound, do you?”

“Not at all.” Nicola laughed lightly. “He’s been texting me non-stop.” She lifted up her phone to show a bunch of text messages from Warren, but it didn’t look like Nicola had been answering any of them. “I can’t stand when he’s in moods like this.”

“Why haven’t you just blocked him?” Abagail took the phone and flipped through the messages. Nicola hadn’t talked to him since the night she’d gone to the bar to return the ring, and that was just to make sure that Abagail was actually going to be there to receive it.

“I don’t know. Self-torture, probably.”

Abagail hummed. She flipped through the contact on Nicola’s phone, easily blocking Warren from it. “There. I did it for you.”

“You what?” Nicola snagged her phone back and then immediately looked at Abagail with awe. “I can’t believe you did that.”

“It’s not hard to reverse it if you want.”

“I don’t want.” Nicola continued to eye her. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.” And Abagail meant that. “About our arrangement…”

“It’s ended.” Nicola said that so matter-of-factly that it hurt Abagail to hear. Had she been anticipating that this was where it was headed and that was why she was avoiding the conversation? “I don’t expect you to pay me for the rest of my life, Abs.”

No, Abagail had never thought about that.

But Alanna would have medical bills for the rest of her life, and that would be something that Nicola was going to have to deal with so long as she was alive, and hopefully she’d plan for when she wasn’t.

But if she died now, Abagail had no doubt that Alanna would be in quite the bind.

No one had taught them to plan for the future, not that they even had a chance to think about anything other than tomorrow.

“You don’t have to leave, not right away, you know,” Abagail said, her tone softening. “I’d hate for you to think I’m kicking you out.”

“I never thought I’d be staying here permanently. This was a placeholder.” Nicola tossed her phone to the side of the mattress and focused her baby blue eyes intently on Abagail. “You never implied it would be anything else.”

“You’re right about that.” Abagail was always careful in what she said and what she didn’t say.

Which was why her confession of actually caring somewhat for Nicola was hard.

Because there was something else there. Elia wasn’t wrong about that.

But she couldn’t ever be what Nicola wanted or needed, and of all things, Nicola deserved love. “I want so much for you.”

“You barely know me,” Nicola answered. She leaned forward and took Abagail’s hand in her own. “Why would you want anything for me?”

“Perhaps it’s because I see a bit of myself in you at times.”

“And at other times?”

“Not a chance.” Abagail laughed, her eyes squinting and her lips turning upward.

This gentle teasing was something that Abagail could handle, something that she wanted actually. Nicola was resilient to her core, and Abagail admired that. She wasn’t sure what she’d do if she were in Nicola’s situation. Or how she would have handled everything that had been thrown at Nicola.

“You deserve someone better than Warren,” Abagail said, finally.

“What about someone better than you?” Nicola asked, sneakily looking at Abagail.

That was exactly what Abagail had been afraid of this entire time. She hummed and closed her eyes, nodding. “Yes, even someone better than me.”

“I’m not sure there’s anyone better than you. You don’t actually ask that much of a person.”

“I ask a whole lot of people.” Abagail was offended by that. She had high standards for those she kept in her presence, and she wouldn’t have it any other way. “You just meet those standards easily.”

“So why are you kicking me out then?”

“I’m not kicking you out.” Abagail ran her fingers against the back of her head in a nervous motion. She was right back to where she’d been before—hating this conversation. “I’m sending you on your way, to bigger and better things.”

“Right.” Nicola nodded, but her voice dropped, and she didn’t exactly sound very happy about it. Not that Abagail expected her to be. This would be quite an adjustment for both of them to make.

“You’ll still have the job at the bar to tide you over.”

“I will.” Nicola squared her shoulders. “In fact, my shift starts in an hour. I should probably get ready for it.”

“All right.” Abagail hadn’t quite expected this to end in quite this manner, but it was better than any other. No screaming, no crying, just two mature adults talking about the end of whatever they’d had between them—which wasn’t much. She wasn’t ready to leave the room yet.

She still wanted to stay in Nicola’s presence, talk to her more, have that light flirting that they seemed to enjoy so much. Nicola enjoyed that, right?

Fuck, why was she questioning everything these last few days? Abagail stood up and smoothed her clothes down her sides as she looked Nicola over.

“I’ll see you later then.” Her shoulders hurt from how tense they were.

“Yeah, see you.” Nicola winked at her. “And thanks, Abs, for everything you’ve done.”

“Sure.” Abagail swallowed the lump in her throat and left Nicola’s room.

What had that been about? Her stomach swirled with nerves.

She walked back to her bedroom and shut the door behind her, hiding in it.

She never did that, but she had done it several times since they’d returned from the Cape.

What had changed there? Surely it wasn’t just Warren who managed to break the spell they’d woven together.

She hated that he’d have that power.

Abagail sat on the edge of the bed and stared out the window where the sun was shining.

It was such a stunning late spring day, and if she’d been another person, she’d venture outside and let the sun shine on her face.

But that wasn’t her. She was someone who hid away from other people and lived in her own little world.

If it wasn’t for Elia, she’d rarely allow herself to be dragged out from her circle that she enjoyed so much.

It wasn’t Warren.

Abagail could definitively say that now. But it also wasn’t just Nicola and what Abagail had figured out about Nicola either. Abagail sighed and toed off her shoes. She pulled herself back farther on the bed so that she wasn’t about to topple off of it.

So what was it?

Her?

Could she have really been the one to change while they were at the Cape?

But more importantly than that, how had she changed?

Abagail frowned at no one but herself as she sorted through every moment that came to mind, all the thoughts, actions, and words she had shared with Nicola since that fateful night at the bar.

About the fact that ring stashed in her closet still felt like it belonged to Nicola and to no one else.

Abagail wasn’t sure why it did, but it did. She was tempted to pull it out and slide it in Nicola’s bedroom while she was gone, giving it back to its rightful owner, someone who would appreciate it and savor it.

She just had to figure out what she was feeling.

Why was that so difficult lately?