Page 82 of Deliverance

I force myself to look away, staring out at the frosty night. Part of the ‘therapy’ sessions I have endured lately have been Maryia based. I haven’t spoken to her in so long, I’m not sure why he felt the need to do so. Maybe because he knew she’d be here tonight. He wanted to remove temptation? I don’t know, but I hate to admit…it’s kind of working.

As soon as my eyes met hers, I felt…something. At first, it felt like the butterflies I used to feel around her, but just as quickly, the feeling soured in my stomach, and flashes of one particular session darted to the forefront of my mind.

There is definitely something to be said when someone is tortured in a certain way. When they are forced to associate that torture with a particular item, or in this case, person. A deep-seated fear blooms inside me as I look around, anxious if anyone has seen us out here alone.

“Are you okay?” she asks softly, taking a small step towards me.

“S-stay there,” I say, as I begin to feel myself lose reality.

My head is a warzone, trying to make sense of what is a natural thought and what is a trauma based one. What feelings are my own, and which are the poisonous words he beat into my brain? Squeezing my eyes shut, I feel my breathing begin to quicken as I spiral. I’ve never had this happen because I haven’t been confronted like this before. I haven’t been in a situation like this until now and it’s too much. It’s too…

Soft hands cup either side of my face, almost like they are grounding me. Like they won’t let me fly up and away. My eyes slowly pull open and when they do, I realize that I’m shaking. Not a slight quiver, but a full body shaking panic.

“Shh shhh,” Maryia says, her chestnut brown eyes looking at mine with concern. “Are you okay?”

In the pictures he had of her, she wasn’t this clear, not this vivid. Her eyes almost looked black, either from the angle or the lighting. They weren’t this warm, this soothing. Her breath wasn’t fanning across my face gently, her pulse thrumming in her neck. Forcing my eyes closed, I take in a shaky breath before blowing it out.

It’s not real. It’s not real. She’s real. This is real. All of that other stuff is…not real.

When I open my eyes again, I notice the shaking has stopped and my heartbeat slows.

“Thanks,” I rasp.

Her brows furrow in concern.

“What happened?”

She needs to be more specific. Does she mean just now? Earlier? When I got beat to an inch of my life, of course, where no one could see it, for getting caught wrapped up with her? Then when I emerged the next day, she was nowhere to be found? She’s a coward.

Stepping out of her touch, I shake my head.

“What are you doing here?”

She looks hurt by the move as she pulls her fur wrap around her tighter.

“My family was invited. We come every year. I was nervous, considering the last time I saw Harry was…awkward.”

A bitter laugh escapes me. Awkward? Awkward? She really just called it awkward. Oh my fucking god.

“I’m sorry, Maggie. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I got scared, and I panicked and…”

She stops herself, her head shaking as her eyes come to me once more.

“I was a coward.”

Preach.

“I barely even checked on you. I was so scared for you that night and all the nights after, but I was more afraid for myself, and that’s fucked. I don’t want to be that person. Not…not when it comes to you.”

I frown as she takes a small step towards me like I’m the one who’s easily spooked. I guess in this situation, I am. Maybe Bambi should be my nickname now.

“Just because I haven’t reached out doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about you, Maggie,” she says as she takes another step.

“Thought you said you were just looking to experiment,” I say stiffly. My guard is still up from my panic attack, but my curiosity allows her to come closer.

I can practically feel the warped thoughts and fears desperately clawing to escape, but I don’t let them. I keep them locked up tight as I focus on this moment. We are real, we are here. We aren’t in that dark, damp basement. This is reality, not that.

Maryia shakes her head, stopping when we are practically nose to nose.