Page 117 of Deliverance

He shakes his head. “The first time for what?”

I can practically hear my heartbeat in my ears as I suck in and blow out a shaky breath. His eyes are begging me to just spit it out already, so I do.

“The first time our father raped me.”

The entire room shifts: gravity, the oxygen, everything. It’s as if the entire room has been tipped on its side, and no one makes a sound or moves a muscle for several seconds. Brad’s face is white as a ghost as I continue.

“He told me that it was just me and him now, that we had to look out for each other. Take…care of each other. I didn’t get out of bed for a week, and in my head, I blamed you.”

“How many times?” Brad asks evenly.

“What?”

“How. Many. Times?” he asks through clenched teeth as he takes a deep breath, like he’s attempting to compose himself.

I shake my head. “I lost count around my sixteenth birthday. As recent as,” I pause, swallowing roughly. “October 31st.”

“What?” he shouts, jumping to his feet as he shakes his head. “How? I was there! We both were! When?”

“When you and Maggie fell asleep, Calista went to bed and Thomas took me into the bedroom.” I start.

“No,” Brad says as he begins pacing, continuing to shake his head. “No, no, no, no.”

“Dad stepped inside as well and locked the door. Thomas raped me before dad took his turn,” I say, struggling with the actual word rape.

It’s something Ariel and I have been working on. When I first started seeing her, I used words like touched, take care of, even fucked. Ariel explained that none of that was happening, though. Every touch, every kiss, every…move was rape. It was rape, and it was abuse and it wasn’t okay. I wasn’t okay.

A crash startles me as I watch Brad shatter the ceramic lamp against the wall. Shards of it rain down as he heaves.

“How?” he asks. “How could you not have told me? Not come to me? Bridge, I would have stopped him. I never would have left. I would have brought you with me. I…”

Shaking his head, he crosses the room.

“Brad, I think what Bridgette needs—” Ariel starts before Brad opens and closes the door, practically shaking the thing off its hinges.

My heart hurts at his reaction because I ask myself the same questions. Why couldn’t I have been a little more brave? A little more strong? Maybe it could have stopped years ago if I got the right people involved. I didn’t, though. Instead, I sat there and let him, both of them, chip away at me, taking a little more every time until I had nothing left, nothing to lose, and no way out.

Asher was never the goal for love. He was never the goal for wealth. He was the goal for security. From a young age I knew that Asher would be the most powerful man in our world one day. I decided my only chance at freedom was to earn the protection of someone like that. I’ve been trying to persevere, to survive, for so long that I had forgotten how to live completely. I operated on autopilot most of my life and I’m only just now realizing how damaging that really has been.

Chancing a glance at Maggie, I see a desperation behind her glossy eyes.

“Baby B,” she whispers brokenly. “All this time?”

“I’m sorry,” I say with a quivering lip.

“No, knock that off right now. You have nothing to be sorry for, do you hear me? Nothing. He did this to you, they did. This is not something you did. This is not something you could have stopped. Brad is handling his emotions out loud right now. They are not a reflection of you, okay?”

“Well put.” Ariel nods as Maggie ignores her, continuing to speak.

“I just…I can’t believe I didn’t see it more clearly. I can’t believe…baby,” she says, a soft sob ripping through her chest.

She pulls me into her, and I go willingly, wrapping my arms around her as I begin to cry.

“I’ve got you, do you hear me? I have you. I promise, I will never let anyone hurt you again. You felt alone, like no one was there. I’m here, I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere, you understand me?”

I nod, desperate to cling to Maggie more when the door opens, a more composed looking Brad stepping in. He keeps his head held high, his shoulders back as he crouches down in front of me. I release my hold on Maggie just enough so I can face him as he speaks.

“I’m sorry, Bridgey. This is not your fault. Not for a second. I should have seen it sooner. I should have…” he pauses, shaking his head as violence like I’ve never seen before flashes in his eyes. “This is that piece of shit’s fault, no one else. Okay? Not you.”