Page 62 of Degradation (The Brethren Lords #3)

Pailtyn

T hat pounding in my head seems to ease. That awful ache inside every single one of my bones seems to calm down, seems to soften.

I know he’s holding me. I know he has me.

I can feel the heat of the fire and I can see the flicker of the flames as the light dances across the room.

The entire time, I know he hasn’t taken his eyes from me. It’s unnerving. It’s intimate. It makes me feel so vulnerable, makes me feel like all those carefully built walls that I’ve constructed to try and protect myself are now gone. That he’s destroyed them.

He’s stroking my face. Acting like I’m something precious. Something of worth.

I don’t understand this behaviour. I don’t understand what this is.

He’s a monster. A fucking monster.

“Devin…” I whisper his name and his entire body reacts. Those devilish limbs that I swore would devour me, somehow, they soften.

“I’m getting you out of here.” He says quietly.

“What?” I must have misheard him. I have to have.

He tightens his grip, and he lowers his mouth to my ear. “I’m going to stop this. I’m going end this. You’ll never have to endure his beatings, endure his abuse, any of it again.”

Am I hallucinating? Am I as crazy as the rest of them clearly are?

“When?” I shouldn’t sound as hopeful as I do. I shouldn’t sound as desperate either.

“Soon. Really soon. I need to put some things into place. I need to ensure no one can find us afterwards. That we’re safe.”

“Us?” Surely, he’s not saying what I think he’s saying? Surely, he’s not suggesting…

“Us.” He growls back. “I’m not leaving you, not losing you.

Once we’re free from here, once we’re free from the Brethren, then you and I can be together.

You and I…” He pauses like he doesn’t know how to articulate the words, the feelings, any of it.

“I love you, Paitlyn. Do you understand that? I fucking love you.”

I gulp, hearing the anger, the frustration and more than anything, the pain in his voice.

But this man doesn’t have a clue what love is. No one does the things he’s done to me if he were capable of feelings like love.

Anger rages through me at the thought that he thinks we can be together, that we can what, skip off into the sunset? After everything he’s done to me, everything he’s allowed to happen too.

I don’t want his love. I don’t need it.

I don’t say that though, I don’t voice it. This could be my chance; this could be the moment I’ve been praying for.

If I can escape this Palace, if I can be free of Gunther, then… then what? I’m blind. Fucking blind. If I leave this place with Devin, how the fuck will I ever manage to get away from him?

I tremble harder, my mind whirling with both hope and disappointment.

One thing at a time, I guess. I just need to focus on the now, on the existing now. Antonio said he was getting me out, Antonio was helping me. I know I can’t tell Devin that without facing his wrath. I just need to keep my mouth shut, play along, play it safe until my real protector comes back.

“We can’t escape them.” I state, trying to sound like I’m his partner in crime now. “We can’t escape the Brethren. It’s not possible.”

I think for a second he’s going to call me out on it, on the fact that I haven’t said ‘those three words’ back, but instead he says, “there are ways.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means the Brethren aren’t as all-reaching as they believe themselves to be. There are gaps, chinks in their armour.”

This feels like traitor talk. Fear creeps up my spine and I turn my head towards the door, wondering what would happen if we were overheard right now.

“Leave it to me.” Devin says. “Let me take care of this. Take care of you.”

I wake as the sunlight starts to stream into the room. I’m still in his arms. I’m still curled up here with Devin holding onto me in front of the fire.

It feels so alarmingly safe, and I don’t understand it. How can this man suddenly feel so peaceful? How can he go from a raging tornado into this, this?

He told me he loved me. I know that’s bullshit. I know that’s just another fucked up bit of manipulation and yet, in this moment, I could almost believe it, believe him.

Some desperate broken part of me wants to stay like this, wants to lay here and pretend that nothing outside this exists.

But it does. And we can both hear as the door creaks open.

Fear. Adrenaline so many emotions explode in my stomach.

The gasp tells me it’s Ada. From the distance I’d say she’s stood on the threshold, staring in. She walks in, taking those quick practised steps I know so well. “He’s coming.” She says quietly.

I turn my head towards Devin, and for the briefest of moments, I wonder whether this moment will be it. Whether he will have his vengeance now.

But his body seems to sink a tiny bit. He scoops me up, carries me back into the bedroom and he lays me down. As quickly as he can, he slips the needle out before folding my arm up into itself. “Put some pressure on. It’ll stop the bleeding and the bruising.”

I wish I could see his face, I wish I could see his expression because I have no idea what’s going on in there, what thoughts are swirling inside. He stalks back out and I want to call after him, to scream, to beg him to just say something.

But instead, I hear his massive frame slip out, I hear him disappear into the corridor and my tears stream uncontrollably.

“Paitlyn,” Ada says, kneeling beside the bed, tucking the covers up to make it look like none of last night went down the way it did. To make it look like this was where I slept, this was where I woke too. Alone.

It feels like there are so many unspoken things between us. She shifts her body to the door then back to me and I know then that she knows. That she can tell that whatever this was, it wasn’t just a guard looking out for me, ensuring I lived for his master. She knows.

I open my mouth but fall silent as a shadow covers me.

“Well, I see you’ve made a recovery.” Gunther says.

I gulp, nodding.

“How do you feel?” He asks, like he doesn’t give a damn about my reply.

“Better.” It’s the only word I can muster.

He grunts. “Seeing as God’s seen fit to spare your life, you will spend the rest of this day giving thanks in the Chapel.”

The Chapel? That means I’ll be on my knees all day. I shudder, praying that that damned priest won’t be there, because I know he delights in my torture as much as my husband does.

“Did you not hear me?” Gunther growls, yanking the covers off, dragging me from the bed by my arm.

I cry out but he just mutters under his breath about disobedient and ungrateful bitches before shoving me hard enough that I trip and fall.

“Useless fucking bitch.” He says. “Maybe we should cut your legs off next, seeing as you don’t know how to actually use them.”

I don’t have time to react, time to even bury the horror I feel at that threat. If he takes my legs, if he amputates them, then I really will want to die.

But Antonio is coming.

I repeat that as he kicks me in the belly, as he makes me crawl on my hands and knees and mocks me as I bang into one damned piece of furniture after another in my weak, confused state.

Antonio is coming.

I just need to hang on. I just need to survive.

I can beat Gunther, I can beat them all.

Even Devin can shove his supposed love up his arse. Antonio will rescue me, he’ll take me away, and then I know the Grand Master will do something. Will step in. Will make these bastards pay.

The day passes in agony.

My knees scream out in protest against the rock-hard floor. Ada is beside me, acting as my support every time I think I might give in and collapse. I keep telling her to go, to leave, but she refuses.

My mind won’t stop spinning. I can’t stop thinking over and over about what he said, what he confessed.

I don’t love him. I know I don’t. He stole my fucking eyes. How the hell can anyone fall in love with a man who does that?

I clench my fists, driving the nails into my palms.

He clearly has a plan, doesn’t he. Does he see me as easy pickings? A chance for him to elevate the Blake family name somehow? Well, he can fuck right off with that.

I have to pray Antonio gets to me first, that he and our Grand Master and whatever the fuck he has planned, it happens before Devin is able to act because I know if Devin takes me, then I don’t stand a chance. He’s too dangerous, he’s too…

I shudder trying to bury my fear. I need to be smart here.

Smarter than I have been. I need to play this man, pretend, make him think that I’ll go with him, that I trust him.

It’ll be safer that way, after all, I’ve already learnt what happens when I piss him off.

I just need to convince him, and then Antonio will be here, Antonio will save me.

“You can do this.” Ada whispers and I know she’s talking about my current situation and not my chances of escape, but that’s how I take it, that’s what I convince myself she’s really hinting at.

That I can do this. That despite the odds, despite how near impossible it feels, I can get free of this place, of my husband, of all of them.