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I nodded, gave her a moment, and then asked, ‘What was she like? As a person?’

‘She was… a ray of light.’ She laughed. ‘She always, always saw the best in everyone. I… sometimes I used to find it frustrating, actually. She had a close friend who wasn’t that good for her.’

‘Oh, like, a bad influence?’ I asked.

Esther pulled a face. ‘Kind of. I mean, more controlling, maybe? They’d been at school together.’

Oh, shit , I thought. She means Cordelia.

‘It’s really hard,’ I said, tentatively, ‘seeing someone controlled by someone else.’

‘It was,’ Esther said, picking at the grass.

‘She used to try to tell Holly how to live. Tell her she shouldn’t be going away on holiday, or seeing us all.

She thought it was immoral to spend money, for god’s sake, as if there shouldn’t be an upside to having the parents we all have.

’ She gave a snort of derision. ‘Holly would sometimes end up cancelling on us to keep her happy, even when it was stuff she really wanted to do.’

I felt like everything was twisting around on me. Had I got both Holly and Cordelia wrong? Had Holly been caught between these people?

‘Did you feel like you had to share her with this friend?’

There was a pause, and Esther said, ‘Yes. Though Holly gradually realised that it wasn’t OK, I think.

She’d got a bit better at standing up to her, but…

’ She shook her head. ‘She never really got free, and now she’s dead, and Cordelia blames us, because we were there.

Even though Holly went off alone and we would have done anything to stop it happening. ’

‘God, Esther, I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I can’t even imagine how hard it must be.’

There was a brief silence, and then Esther said, in a voice full of emotion, ‘It was so hard, but it… I feel so selfish, because it’s not what I keep thinking about.’

‘It’s OK to have other stuff that makes you sad,’ I told her. ‘And to want to talk about it. You’re a human being.’

There was a pause, and then Esther said, ‘I can’t get over this– this relationship I had which… It wasn’t even good for me. I know that.’

‘The guy you saw for breakfast?’ I asked.

‘Yes,’ she said, miserably. ‘But I want him back so badly. I shouldn’t have seen him. It’s made it all so much worse again.’

I clearly needed to know more about this guy, particularly as he seemed to be linked to Holly in her mind. I swung round so I could lean on the grass next to her, and I had a glimpse of proper tears pouring down her cheeks. I felt another uncomfortable rush of real, honest sympathy.

‘It’s really hard to let people go,’ I said, acknowledging inwardly that this was profoundly true for me, too.

‘I had this relationship a while back. I thought it was perfect, but then it all went wrong. I’ve worked so hard to get over him, but then stuff reminds me of him, and I just… I end up writing these stupid emails…’

There I was, giving her a real part of myself once again. The weird honesty that sometimes surfaces in this job. It can mess with you a little.

But however messy it was, it worked to get her talking. Esther gave a sobbing laugh and said, ‘I do that. I message him sometimes. And then I feel so stupid, because I always think when he replies that it means something…’

‘Because it’s kind of… a little interested?’ I asked.

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘But it never amounts to more.’

‘He sounds like he’s stringing you along,’ I said with a frown. ‘At least my ex has made it clear he is not keen. Is he– does he have someone else, maybe?’

There was a long pause, while I felt like maybe that had been too blunt, and then Esther said quietly, ‘He does. I actually know he does, but I still… I just keep thinking I can win him back.’

I gave a sigh. ‘I so get it. We’re always wired to feel like we have to win them, aren’t we?

But you are so, so great, Esther.’ I leaned in close to her, not quite sure what I should tactically be saying to her, but positive the moral thing to do was to tell her she was better than this.

‘I know that’s a platitude, but you are intimidatingly wonderful.

Smart and beautiful and this incredible friend.

If he’s too stupid to see that and to put you first, then he doesn’t deserve you. ’

I saw her lift a hand to wipe her eyes. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Truly,’ I said. ‘Plus, he’s dicking you around, which is not nice. What’s his name, this guy?’

There was a pause, and then Esther said, ‘I… I actually can’t tell anyone, because it… We shouldn’t be doing anything at all. Both of us would be in so much trouble.’

I felt a real zing of interest at that, as you can imagine, Reid. Was this a supervisor or a tutor? Because one of those might have been at Trinity May Ball in his own right without appearing on Cordelia’s list.

I glanced up and saw, across the lawn, that Kit had emerged from the Mill with our drinks. Clearly a short queue, just when I could have done with it being longer.

‘Well,’ I told her, ‘if you ever want him taking out, just let me know. All the weight training has to be good for something.’

Esther laughed at that, but I found myself thinking much more deeply about her than I had. If she’d talked to Holly about all this, which she’d implied she used to do, then was it possible that Holly had worked out who her illicit lover was? And had this been the thing that had gotten her killed?

If so, how had that connected with Tanya?

I found myself wondering whether Esther could really have had enough of a motive. If she’d had a relationship with someone teaching her, it would be frowned on, and really not great if he was married, but it also wouldn’t be enough to get her kicked out or in serious trouble.

But , I thought, it could well be enough to ruin a diplomatic career. And Esther might be desperate enough to stop her mother finding out that she’d do something drastic.

I hoped I’d get to see Esther alone over the weekend, but the next times I saw her Kit and James were there, too.

The first time, we went punting, all crammed in one boat, and the second we visited a tiny coffee house in the centre of town named Indigo.

There was no space to talk privately at either, and all the while I was aware that Kit was watching me in the way that people do when they want to be more than friends.

It interested me that James was in better spirits at these meet-ups. He stayed longer, and seemed much more relaxed, even though he was now diving head first into his exams.

‘I need something to do that isn’t sitting in my room,’ he said when I expressed surprise at seeing him out instead of studying.

But as I watched him interacting with the others I wondered suddenly whether the difference in him was because Ryan wasn’t there.

And that interested me as much as Esther and her secret boyfriend.

Because if James found Ryan’s presence stressful, there were two possible reasons I could think of that were very relevant: that James suspected something bad about Ryan, or that Ryan knew something bad about James.

The idea of having to talk to Ryan again to find out more made my stomach tie itself in horrible knots. But, in fact, I haven’t faced him yet, Reid, and I think all this might be done. Because the bad stuff that came out tonight is… I’m not sure I can get past it.

So. It’s Monday, and I had my check-in with Gael. I told Kit I had to be in to see my coach, and had lunch with him first.

The two of us drank too much, and he told me a lot about his difficult relationship with his dad, and then made me laugh about his weird dissertation supervisor.

I was still kind of drunk by the time I got to the Ensign , if I’m honest. Kit always wants to order alcohol with everything, and daytime drinking hits hard. I’d only managed to keep it reasonable by telling him I’d have to get on a rowing machine later.

I’d promised Gael an update at 6 p.m., and actually made it by quarter past, which wasn’t so bad.

I arrived feeling anxious that Cordelia had spoken to him, but there was no sign of it.

When I told him all about the hit-and-run and Ryan’s awful drunk behaviour he looked pleased as punch.

And then when I went into how Kit was now really into me, he looked totally delighted.

He was all over that particular development in a way that made me feel weird.

And you know, I do sometimes wonder if Gael understands how it feels to do what I do.

He barely even commented on how Ryan forced himself on me, you know. And I wanted to ask him why not. It’s not a small thing, and it could happen again. I so often have to get close to men who make my skin crawl, or who I think might have done something terrible.

And you know, I’ve been finding it hard in a lot of ways, getting close to Kit. I mean, he might have killed someone, but he’s also handsome and generally kind and I might just be really hurting him for no reason.

‘Have you made any inroads on the club itself?’ Gael asked, after all that.

This was the one point that made me feel genuinely worried. Because the truth was, I’d made none. I hadn’t been invited to any Pitt Club events yet, and I’d heard virtually nothing about it. No stories about anyone there, and not even any mentions of the others going along.

‘I’m working on it,’ I told him, brightly. ‘I think I should have my foot through the door soon.’

Gael seemed to accept that, and I was free to hand over my receipts and talk practicalities for the rest of the meeting. At some point, a message arrived from Cordelia. She said she was in Cambridge and wanted to see me.

I genuinely didn’t know what to make of it. It sounded like it might be a peace offering, and yet I wasn’t too sure. I felt like she’d been genuinely angry with me.

And on top of that, I’d been really, really looking forward to a night in my London flat. A night back being Anna instead of Aria.