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‘I knew something was up,’ she said, her cheeks even more red than usual as she bent over the kettle.

‘He had mentionitis about this girl Rachel, right? Like, just kept on talking about things she’d said.

And then I started finding out they’d gone for coffee together and stuff when he’d implied he was busy.

’ She shook her head. ‘He tried to say they were just friends and it was good for him to have other people to hang out with while I was so busy with hockey. But then there was this– this dinner thing that I couldn’t go to.

’ She swallowed, and I could tell it was hurting her to talk about this.

‘It wasn’t a big thing. Just a choir dinner.

They have them every term. I said I was so sorry but I was away training. Matt was all, “Never mind, next time.”’

‘Suspiciously chill about it,’ I said.

‘I know, right?’ Tanya brought the filled mugs over and bundled herself in on the bed beside me as though we really had grown up together.

‘The dinner happened while I was away training,’ she went on.

‘He said nothing else. But then some pictures appeared on other people’s social media, and there was Matt, with Rachel.

Who isn’t in the choir. And when I asked why she was there he said he’d invited her instead.

’ She came to sit opposite me, her eyes a little reflective in the uplighter she’d installed in the room.

‘What an asshole,’ I said with feeling. ‘That’s not just… that’s not even private cheating.’

‘Exactly,’ Tanya agreed. ‘It was rubbing it in my face.’

‘I’m guessing there was more?’

Tanya gave a snorting laugh. ‘He obviously denied it, but before confronting him I’d done a deep dive on his phone. There were messages talking about things they’d done. And I mean, things.’ Her lip curled, and she shook her head.

‘He’s an idiot,’ I told her. ‘I’ve already decided you’re about the best person in the world.’

Tanya laughed. ‘Thank you. Right back at you.’ She blinked for a second, and then said, ‘It’s good he’s out of the picture. He spent a lot of time guilt-tripping me for prioritising work or hockey, even when I spent a lot of time with him.’

‘Sounds like an envy thing,’ I suggested. ‘Like, he didn’t want you being more successful than he is?’

Tanya tipped her head on one side. ‘I… maybe that’s true.’ She gave a small smile. ‘Well, he’s only helped my hockey game. I’m enjoying visualising his face on every ball I hit.’

And I think that’s the point I’m trying to make.

She was a survivor, Reid. The state-school kid who’d fought for her place and was flourishing.

And it made me so angry, reading that coroner’s report, seeing his assumption that she’d died because she wasn’t good enough.

That she’d been driven to drugs because she ‘wasn’t coping’.

That because she wasn’t some private-school kid of bankers or doctors she’d been destined to fail. That’s what it said to me.

I don’t think she was ever, ever failing. Even when she decided to get back together with Matt after all, it was on her terms. And I know you were angry about it and thought it was the wrong decision– I know– but I could tell she’d made him crawl through mud to be with her.

And actually, now I think about it, that was more of you being you, wasn’t it? More of your inability to see people as shades of grey. You made it into a moral thing right at your dad’s birthday party, when everything was supposed to be a celebration.

I remember Tanya arriving. How she bounded in with her slightly flushed cheeks and her thick wool sweater, looking just the picture of health.

It would have been early March, wouldn’t it?

Only a couple of weeks after that weekend in Cambridge with her.

Still miserable wintertime, but Tanya always seemed like she’d been out in the sun somewhere.

‘Shit, sorry. Traffic nightmare. Am crap,’ she said as she hugged your dad and then you in turn.

I was beginning to notice and to love that she didn’t stop talking for at least the first minute while entering a room.

‘Hummus and crisps for you. Literally the most original person ever. Anna, you look so nice! Why are you wasting time on Reid? Give me a hug. Oh, the wine’s in Matt’s car.

He’s about fifteen minutes behind me. Wow, little cousin Seb, you’ve grown your hair!

You’re starting to look like a proper Murray man.

Anyone got a bottle open? I need one basically right now.

Yes! Large. Larger. That one. You’re a ledge. ’

You must remember this next bit, because you were staring at her. And you interrupted her stream of words to say, ‘Matt? As in–’

‘Matt!’ I could see the way Tanya avoided looking at you as she said it. ‘My boyfriend Matt. You know.’

She scooped up the large glass of red she’d been handed and started drinking it while she gave you a meaningful look over the top.

‘So no longer your ex-boyfriend?’ you persisted.

Tanya gave a small eye-roll and put the glass down with a clink. ‘Obviously not.’ She grinned over at me as if sharing a joke and moved to the table to start cutting a French loaf that had been left out there. ‘I’m not in the habit of bringing exes to family events.’

‘No, but… it seems a lot to get past,’ you said, following her and hovering. ‘The cheating.’

‘Sounds like they’ve talked it all through,’ I murmured at you as soon as I’d closed in. You didn’t seem to be able to hear me.

‘But… Twice, though, Tan. He cheated twice.’

Which was true, to be fair. But it was still her decision.

Tanya turned, chewing on the piece of French bread, and breezed straight past you to the drinks counter.

‘Shall I get more ice out, Dad?’ she called.

And then she said to you, ‘Matt is getting some therapy. He’s accepted that he was being insecure about me not being around all the time.

Having my own life. I’ve put clear boundaries in place, and it’s going to help.

He had to grow up a lot when I broke up with him, and we’re in a much better place now. ’

By the time she’d finished delivering this she was already vanishing into the pantry, where the full-height freezer lived.

She reappeared holding a bag of ice, and I found myself wishing I had her easy competence.

She always knew what needed organising. Whatever the situation.

From the moment she walked in the door things just got more together instead of– well, less so.

Why would she need all those drugs, Reid? How would someone so together, so competent, need Ritalin? There are plenty of us who might possibly benefit from a concentration aid, but Tanya? She was born focused.

Anyway, this wasn’t about that. It was about you and your rigidness.

I have such a clear memory of the next part.

There was the sound of a car, and Tanya came back to stand in front of you and said, ‘That’s probably Matt.

It’s all fine, OK? We’ve worked stuff out.

Be nice.’ And she gave you a squeeze on the arm and one of her slightly wonky smiles.

But you weren’t nice, were you? You were being her overprotective big brother. I know it must have been hard not to. She was eight years younger, and you’d always felt like you had to protect her, but what you did wasn’t fair.

You looked very levelly at Matt when he came in– and yes, it annoyed me, too, that he was carrying the wine as though it were a gift just from him. But still.

I distinctly remember what you said when he asked how work was going. ‘Oh, you know. The usual. Trying to make sure good people get justice and the arseholes get what they deserve. But it doesn’t always happen that way.’

And then the way you just… turned away from him and put your arm round Tanya.

It was brutal. I hated how awkward it was and how you’d ignored your sister’s wishes.

She’d asked you to welcome Matt in and you’d done the opposite.

If she’d been any less tough, I don’t think she would have been able to laugh at you and slide away to stand with her boyfriend like she did.

The other problem with being absolute about your loyalties is you can end up writing people off. I mean, Matt probably wasn’t worth wasting time on, but we didn’t know that for sure. He was young and still had a lot to learn. If Tanya wanted to give him a second chance, that was up to her.

You’ve never really dealt in shades of grey, though, have you? In your world, there’s right and there’s wrong, and people are good or bad. No mitigating factors. No understanding.

Maybe that’s what you end up thinking when you’ve grown up in a happy family instead of a dysfunctional one. When nothing has ever been that hard in your life.

Until you hit twenty-nine and lose your only sister.

But I lost her too, Reid. I lost the young woman I’d started spending every free weekend with.

The friend who loved hearing about my work, and was a rational head to talk to when I felt like I’d screwed things up.

The almost-sister I’d supported when she found out she’d been cheated on once again, and had accompanied to at least two events she’d intended on going to with Matt.

Having written this far, I realise I was kind of naive, actually.

I should have expected that, one day, I’d find myself standing on the wrong side of your line of good and evil.

And maybe part of me did expect it. I just didn’t think it would happen while I was trying to do everything in my power to help you.